The cat crap trap

The biggest problem with the Tories isn’t that they’re evil and selfish, although they are most certainly evil and selfish. You only have to look at George Osborne basking in the adulation of the Tory conference to see that. But that’s not the biggest problem with the Tories. The biggest problem with the Tories is that they’re evil, selfish, and transparently manipulative like a cat which has crapped in your shoes and expects you to blame your significant other for it. They’re evil and manipulative and just don’t care, because they know there’s not a great deal we’re able to do about it. And cats are considerably cuter than George Osborne. No one has ever felt the urge to chuck George under the chin, just the urge to chuck him over a cliff.

Sadly – thank you No voters – Scotland is powerless before the evil selfish Tories. Our powerlessness before the Tory onslaught is not solely down to the fact that we’re only a few months after a General Election in which they won a majority in England, it’s also because the Tories also know that in Scotland they have no meaningful support and so can do what they like without suffering any meaningful electoral consequences. David Cameron isn’t going to lose any sleep over the fate of the Tory party in Scotland, because the Tory party in Scotland already makes a shuffling zombie look like a nifty mover. And zombies probably smell more fragrant too.

However this doesn’t stop the party’s Westminster Head Office from giving the corpse of the Scottish Tories the occasional electric shock, in the hope that they can jolt some life into the rotting body. They know however that there’s no real prospect of this ever happening, so instead their interventions in Scotland are designed more to trip up the other parties. This isn’t difficult to achieve with the Labour party in Scotland, it must be said, as tripping up a party which is staggering about blindly is about as simple as David Mundell.

The latest Tory cunning plan involves the party’s favourite fetish – taxation. Despite having historically the same enthusiasm for devolution as a dental patient has for root canal treatment without an anaesthetic, all of a sudden the Tories are falling over themselves to make like the tooth fairy, promising shiny new tax powers in return for a few molars. However the new tax powers which the Tories are hurriedly bringing forward for the Scottish Parliament are new powers in the exact same way that cat crap in your shoes gives you extra height which opens up undreamt of new vistas.

What the Tories are hoping is that they can put pressure on the Scottish Government on income tax, the most visible and noticeable of all the taxes, the tax that directly affects ordinary working people. It is of course income tax that the Tories are proposing to give Holyrood limited powers over, not any of the other taxes which together raise 80% of a government’s revenues. Income tax is the most taxy of the taxes, it’s the one that directly has an impact in the pocket of working people in a way that other taxes do not. Income tax is the tax that the voters notice, and that’s why the Tories and Labour are prepared to devolve some control of it.

Combined with the package of tax responsibilities are equally limited powers over social security – powers which can only be exercised with the permission of David Mundell. These powers will give the Scottish government the ability to make up the difference to low paid workers whose tax credits have been slashed by the Westminster Tories. But the Scottish government will only be able to do so if it slashes public services or it increases the most taxy tax. It’s going to be the ordinary working people of Scotland who will pay twice for the cost of Tory economic slash and burning – and the cunning cat crap plan is to force the Scottish government to take responsibility for the Tories slashing tax credits for low paid workers with families.

Oh look, purrs Fluffy Mundell like the cat that’s crapped in your shoes, the Scottish Government has the power to raise income tax in order to compensate low paid Scottish workers for the cuts to their tax credits imposed by George Osborne. The political heat for the cuts to the income of low paid workers in then transferred from the people who impose the cuts, to a parliament which is not actually responsible for them. The Tories hope that the focus will be on the people with the bandages and plasters, and not on the basterts with the chainsaw who’ve just cut the support off from beneath the poor and the vulnerable. In this they will no doubt be assisted by a Scottish media that’s more interested in screaming SNPbaaaad than in holding Westminster to account.

The thing about traps is that they’re supposed to be well camouflaged, hidden deep in the woods and covered with branches where they can be cunningly sprung on their unsuspecting victims. This Tory trap is lit up in sparkly lights and sits under a neon sign that flashes TORY TAX TRAP in dayglo red white and blue while Fluffy Mundell poses on top of it wearing a Union Jack thong and a come hither smile. It won’t work, and not only because Fluffy is to honey traps and sexual allure as his boss is to porcine welfare. It won’t work because it rests upon the voters of Scotland not remembering that we have a Tory government which is engaged in slashing and burning the incomes of the poorest paid while it enriches the better off. It won’t work because it depends on the Scottish government not realising it’s a trap. And it won’t work because it depends on the people of Scotland having heads that button up the back.

Once again it’s Scotland that loses out as Westminster uses devolution as a means to play party political games. The Tories are hoping that their cunning taxy tax wheeze will mean Ruth Davidson can call a taxi for Kezia Dugdale and overtake Labour as the second party in Scottish politics. Ruth’s going to go into the next Holyrood election calling for tax cuts, while Labour’s going to demand that there’s a tax rise for the tiny number of people with high incomes. As they jostle for the runner up prize, it’s the chances of Scotland remaining in their precious Union that will get squeezed.

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22 comments on “The cat crap trap

  1. Itchybiscuit says:

    Big Dave Dasterdly and his Wacky Race to the bottom. Muttley Mundell will be sniggering and going for the gong while our own Nicola Pitstop will cruise to victory ahead of the Anthill Mob (also known as SLab).

    My point being, it’s all becoming quite cartoonish in Westminster and Holyrood – compliments of the ‘opposition’…

  2. Pam McMahon says:

    Only a Tory government could put their trap on sat-nav. Good stuff. Stay angry. Your writing benefits from your focussed rage, and so do we.

    Am currently wondering whether Kez or wee Ruthieless will ask why the SNP failed to get a giant panda pregnant when they managed it in Toronto, and which government minister Willie Rennie will ask to resign for the failure of insemination techniques in Scotland.

  3. […] Source: The cat crap trap […]

  4. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  5. hektorsmum says:

    The Cat Crap Trap, excellent Paul, summed it up so well.

  6. macart763M says:

    A simple question for the establishment politicians (Ms Dugdale take note).

    If the central UK government is doing its job correctly, why should the devolved administration require to offset/mitigate said governments policies?

    You could follow this up with a whole raft of other simple questions, but that one seems most pertinent. So just before you go off on an SNPbaaad rampage, how about just for once focusing on the real enemy of the electorate, the real source of injustice and imbalance.

    No devolved administration should ever have to mitigate central policy in order to protect their electorate. The great failure and flaw in Westminster’s devolution settlement, the great con of the original devolution settlement.

    It was always a journey without end. There are only two signatories on the treaty of union. 56 of 59 MPs, constituting the overwhelming mandate of one signatory tabled an amendment for the institution of FFA. The other signatory decided it wasn’t happening.

    Smith is and always was a party political farce and a con. A con that was exploded in May of this year. The people won’t settle for less than what was promised by BTs inference throughout the final weeks of the referendum. If this is not forthcoming there WILL be a second referendum and central government will NOT be given a second chance.

    So Labour, get on board and help, because your people need you to act like political representation that actually gives a shit, or get out of the way.

  7. Jan Cowan says:

    Those Labour voters who are not able to imagine how wonderful an independent, WM-free Scotland will be should really just get out of the way, Macart. Let the rest of us get on with the final push.

    Poor Fluffy Mundell! Paul, you’ve left him sitting up there with little more than a come hither smile. An Indian summer for now, perhaps, but winter’s on the way.

    • macart763M says:

      We have, I think, a great many Labour voters to thank for May’s landslide Jan. For it was they who gave the SNP the power to call Westminster’s and let’s face it, Cameron’s bluff: ‘in terms of devolution, nothing is off the table’.

      Well, his bluff, his lie has been called and Westminster’s agenda couldn’t be clearer. There never was a federal or near federal solution. There was NEVER any intent to move toward devo max/FFA. The result of the referendum was bought on a fraud and there is no hiding the fact that during the Scotland bill debates, 20 amendments were tabled and every single one of them was voted down by the establishment parties. Two signatories and one signatory’s wishes were overruled by the other’s numerical superiority in chamber. The democratic deficit in action.

      Scotland’s electorate cannot live like this, cap in hand and they cannot be expected to live with a lie. Our political union is patently NOT better together when one partner can exercise a veto to overrule the needs and wishes of the other.

      We now need those Labour voters to come with us and complete the job. As for the parliamentary party in Holyrood? As I said above, basically get with the programme,or get out of the way.

      • Patience is a Virtue says:

        An Independence camaign belittled to two televised debates (with a PM who fails to show up to defend the Union – pitiful given the input of Scotland to the Union over 3 centuries) he sends someone not even of his own party – so that should things go wrong, at least he can blame his historic opponent but better than this, his historic opponent is also outflanked in their unilateral blind unquestioning support for the Union – not allowing its own supporters a free vote.

        Those of independent mind ignored this on the day and in increasing numbers it seems continue to do so – it is the one thing that cannot be controlled – independence of thought. In an independent Scotland there will certainly be no shortage of opinion! but at least, in Democratic terms, it will not be strangled by the iniquity of a 10:1 bias.

  8. punklin says:


    Please stop comparing us moggies to the Tories. I never crapped once in my man’s shoes.

    Anywayz, what’s depositing shite in footwear compared to private parts inserted in dead pig’s mooths?

    Yo! Let’s hear it for the cats. Now you know how the cat feels…

    Yours mewingly,

    Un pussy cat

  9. daibhidhdeux says:

    The current “Union” scenario was always premised on back-door conquest by means of bribery of certain bankrupt, aristo elements with feet straddling both sides of the ancient border (having been unable to militarily conquer Scotland over generations of attempts, the Darien fiasco – orchestrated by England – permitted the coup via the purchasing of the Scottish state via the aforesaid, money-driven, conscience unkent, aristo carpetbaggers. Popular revolt immediately ensued and continued with different degrees of intensity over multiple generations. And continues, still, in the face of the democratic deficit of the Anglo-Brit polyarchy).

    Forgive the brief, non-“North British”-Angloista re-cap of the historical data,

    And to the nub, this scenario is reaching the end of its own, inherent tendency towards the unstitching of the imposed weft and weave, and I agree with Mr Salmond – FM Emeritus – and the current FM as well as all elected Scots representatives of the majority, popular will to the (r)UK and Scottish parliaments: A second referendum set in motion by ourselves and ourselves alone is the preferred option in the context of popular, Scots sovereignty, but other options kick-in given an independence dominated Holyrood in tandem with our overwhelming , independence-mandated WM representation along with other jiggery-pokery, anti-democratic activities of the Anglo-British, Unionist establishment which must trigger a review of the current “settlement”.

    Then we sit down as rational, civilized equals and talk turkey over our political parting.

    Finito. End of story. And too lang in finishing this inserted “British” verse in a lang Scottish democratic sang.

  10. Ken Waldron says:

    “…their interventions in Scotland are designed more to trip up the other parties. This isn’t difficult to achieve with the Labour party in Scotland, it must be said, as tripping up a party which is staggering about blindly is about as simple as David Mundell…”
    Peeing ma’sel… 😉 Thanks for that!

  11. mealer says:

    The Bullingdon Boys do not have Scotlands best interests at heart.Nicola does.And the Scottish people know it.Labour are becoming irrelevant in all this because they won’t put Scotland first.

  12. Sooz says:

  13. Dan Huil says:

    It is of course an obvious trap. So obvious that support for independence can only increase whenever the Tories mention it. Unionists’ arrogance and ignorance is there for all to see, especially when Mangy Mundell takes to the airwaves.

  14. Luigi says:

    If the new “powers” legislation, that is eventually passed at Westminster, is seen as being actually detrimental to Scotland, then Holyrood would be within its rights to reject it. Send them back to think again. In fact, I think this response would be very popular with voters if the Scottish government was brave enough to throw it back in Porky’s and Fluffy’s faces. Sadly, I sense that those tiny crumbs on offer will be grudgingly accepted as Swinney and Co will be tempted to make a go of it. I just hope they miraculously steer clear of the neon-lit traps and pitfalls that Fluffy is already bragging about (what a wally)!

    It would be so sweet of the Scottish government told them to get stuffed. The Tory press and BBC Labour would be sure to go apoplectic, but most people would probably be onside. 🙂

    • Patience is a Virtue says:

      Run in past Gordon Brown first just to make sure he is happy with it and it contains everything bar Defence and Foreign affairs devolved to Scotland – I’m sure it will – Gordon said so. If not of course, certainly reject it.

  15. ArtyHetty says:

    Excellent post, thanks. Cats (and any other non human person) are in the main, clean, respectful and civilised in my experience, unlike the multi colour tories.

    Luigi, indeed and if the Scotgov rejected the crumbs, it would also expose just what is being offered by ukok which is, well, crumbs. Anyone can see that tax raising powers are a trap, because not many willingly agree to pay more tax and we have too many underpaid in Scotland who cannot afford to pay more in tax. The rich gits will just up and run, or put their cash offshore, well those that haven’t already.

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