The bright light whooshing over Greater Britain’s head

The world ended yesterday, according to some mad churchlet of Christian fundamentalists. And in equally accurate predictions, according to the equally mad breathless fanboys of the right wing press, after today’s speech to the Tory party conference Davie Cameron is the new voice of the left. In other news, Hannibal Lector is the new voice of veganism, Ian Paisley is the Vatican spokesman on ecumenicalism, and the BNP are the new UN Commissioners for Refugees. Although that last one isn’t too far from the truth because in part due to the support of our Tory government, Saudi Arabia is now chairing the UN human rights council. If you think Cameron is centre ground, you need a new GPS because the one you’ve got has led you up shit creek. That’s where much of the UK media is currently marooned, having confused a Telegraph editorial for a paddle.

The purpose of Davie boy’s pleadings was to use his speech to try and entice some of the Blairite factions of the Labour party over to the Even-Darker Side. We got to witness the leader of the party which has been the main historic agency of discrimination use the struggles of the discriminated to make political capital. He railed against sexism, he complained about people with foreign sounding names not getting called back for job interviews, he moaned at the unfairness of racism and homophobia. But he didn’t say what he was going to do about any of it. Discrimination will magically vanish in Greater Britain just because Davie and his oh so modern Tories think it’s a bad thing. They don’t propose taking any steps to end it, because that’s the sort of thing that the Daily Telegraph doesn’t like, as it damages the life opportunities of middle class heterosexual white men. We’ll have none of that sort of thing in the Tories’ Greater Britain. It’s not clear what Dave meant by Greater Britain, although it’s a phrase he repeated a dozen times during his speech. Possibly it means more Union fleg bedecked pastry programmes on the BBC, because we don’t have many of those as it is.

Of course Davie’s newfound fairness was all just fluffy window dressing from a man who wants to withdraw from the European Treaty on Human Rights, a distraction technique to mask his dog whistle attacks which appeal to the right. Compassionate conservatism is like part time virginity. The real way in which the Tories intend to screw us all was revealed just the day before by Theresa May.

It wasn’t all pretendy cuddly. Davie attacked Jeremy Corbyn like he was attacking a pork pie. He accused the Labour leader of hating this great country which Davie loves like a bacon sandwich, in an entirely non-nationalist way of course. If it had been a Scottish politician who supports independence who had accused Labour of a Scotland-hating terrorist sympathising ideology, the newspapers would descend in a feeding frenzy that would make the Michelle Thomson piranha attack look like breadcrumbs in a goldfish bowl, but Davie can do it with impunity because British nationalism isn’t nationalism at all. British nationalism remains invisible, even when it wraps itself in a Union fleg and marches across the stage of the Tory party conference. The great thing about British nationalism is that it allows British people to be better than the foreigners and Scottish people who suffer from nationalism.

Maybe one day the UK press will realise that what pisses people in Scotland off isn’t that the SNP is criticised, it’s the media’s double standards. But that’s as likely to happen as David Cameron and the Tories actually doing something to combat discrimination instead of just using it to score cheap political points.

Davie got his loudest applause for a lie. He claimed that Jeremy Corbyn had described the death of Osama Bin Laden as a tragedy, and used the claim to launch into an attack on the Labour leader which the delegates loved. Naturally the BBC news didn’t examine the claim, which was as truthful as Davie’s intention to take real action to end all the discrimination he complained about in the same speech. What Jeremy Corbyn really said was that not bringing Bin Laden to trial was a tragedy. The tragedy he referred to was a tragedy for us not a tragedy for a mass murderer. But nuance is lost in hysterical headlines and in a BBC whose coverage of the speech consisted of little more than gushing guff. But then the speech was likewise gushing guff, so for once the BBC was accurate.

He’s going to ensure there are affordable houses for people who earn enough not to need social housing. If you earn £77 thousand a year then you’ll be able to afford one of the Tories’ new starter homes. But then if you earn £77 thousand a year, approximately the same as a backbench MP, then the only reason you should need help from the state with your housing is if the housing market has been irredeemably buggered by successive governments which have used an ever inflating housing bubble as a replacement for economic growth.

Davie’s rhetoric crashed into reality exactly like the asteroid promised by the Bible text interpreters. It’s a fantasy, but the world has indeed ended. We no longer live in a world where our political masters make any sense, or where they have to make any sense, because much of the UK media doesn’t report on them criticially. When the leader of the most right wing Tory party in history is described as making a bid for the centre ground, you know that Greater British politics have lost any anchor in the real lives of people in Scotland, where just 10% of us voted for this farce. Scotland isn’t a democracy, that’s the reality, and we are forced to pay attention to the prancing of what by any right ought to be marginal figures, because we live – for now – in this dysfunctional Union.

See that bright light in the sky? That’s reality whooshing over the heads of the establishment in Greater Britain. One day it’s going to come crashing down on top of them. Every day that passes brings us a day sooner to that inevitability.

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25 comments on “The bright light whooshing over Greater Britain’s head

  1. barpe4 says:

    Feel sad for voters in England, with the only alternatives being the hapless and the helpless – at least we have an alternative!

    Great article again.

  2. macart763M says:

    Superb as ever Paul and bang on the money.

    Ms May’s speech went beyond alarming and straight to klaxon warning territory and as for Cameron? FFS, Blair and Maggie would be so proud of his sleight of mouth. Fair fillin’ up so ah wiz.

    Of course the unicycling pachyderm in the room is that Davy boy may well not be Conservative leader or PM for the next GE in a little over four years time. Enter the contenders: Howling Mad May, Bojo the buffoon and Ghastly Gideon, each making their pitch this week for specific conservative demographics. (my sly fiver is on Gideon)

    THAT is Scotland’s future and for why? Because no matter what Gideon does with the next four years worth of budgets. So long as the right folk get their tax breaks and the right palms are greased a right wing press will move heaven and earth to weight the 2020 GE in the conservatives favour.

    In recent weeks we’ve seen a near faultless hatchet job on both Labour and the SNP. Mr Corbyn sadly, happily obliging by throwing in his own handful of catastrophic gaffs to help them along. Attacked from without and undermined from within, Mr Corbyn does not have his troubles to seek.

    There is a time fast approaching when people will have to make a choice. They will have to decide if this is the better togetherness they envisioned when giving Westminster that last chance, or is it time to cut those last political ties, have some courage, faith and confidence in the Scottish parliament and choose a different path?

    • Sue de Nymme says:


    • Marconatrix says:

      Re “unicycling pachyderm”, strangely that’s the image that always seems to form in my mind whenever I hear the word “sycophant”. (Yes, I realise this is a serious topic, but if I were to take the Tories seriously I’d be chewing the carpet and I’n not even a dug, or ginger …)

  3. Helsbels says:

    Aint that the truth. Every word. ‘Michelle Thomson piranha attack!’ha ha ha ha

  4. What a first paragraph! Meteoric indeed!
    Never tire of reading your take, Paul. Didn’t even bother reading Seamus Milnes view of the speech as i instinctively knew it was pish. all this talk about spin and spinning the spin. Fuck off. Middle ground – pants pants pants.
    Each and every year at this time of the Tory party conference i get heartily down and despair at the crassness of this class of people who believe they were born to rule and govern. I just despair.
    Thank you for continuing your commentary. It is a beacon of light in an otherwise bleak place with the air we breathe full of lies and lies and lies.
    Saw you on the telly the other night looking very dapper so you wis.

  5. Steve Asaneilean says:

    I feel sorry for all of us as it’s clear to me that the Tories will win again at Westminster come 2020 and we’ll have been saddled with them for 15 years by the end of that parliament (and who would bet against them doing it in 2025 as well?).

    The only saving grace is that all this Torydom brings us closer to independence – it really can’t come soon enough.

  6. Anne Lyden says:

    Previous comments speak for me too. Just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying the “Collected Yaps”. Erudite, informative, entertaining and accessible to all.
    Thank you.

  7. […] Source: The bright light whooshing over Greater Britain’s head […]

  8. broadbield says:

    The Tories are now in the world of Stalinist double-speak – the usual tactic of the hard right: the truth is the complete opposite of what they say. Moving left – well, they are so far to the right that as they rotate eccentrically around their anuses they could appear for a nano-second fractionally to the left. They fill me with despair as well as some less admirable emotions.

  9. Brilliant stuff. WGD must be one of the best, if not The Best political comentator in Scottish media!

  10. hektorsmum says:

    I cannot understand those who voted for this bunch of charlatans, not only has nothing improved, well not unless you are a Billionaire/Millionaire, he has helped them from being mere Millionaires to the highly inflated other.
    Why do ordinary people vote Tory. Way back in the Thatcher era, we met a couple on holiday, he was a shop steward in a car plant in Luton and he voted Tory. He thought he was right in his political choice, why on earth, to them we are the scum of the earth.
    Thank you Paul for listening, I just cannot go there. Love from the Pug, Hektor

  11. Guga says:

    Camoron (a.k.a. Piggy) can say what he likes now as he intends to stand down as Prime Monster before the next elections. That way when that supercilious prat, Gideon, takes over, he can stand up and tell us that the fact that nothing has come of Camoron’s promises is not his fault as he didn’t make any promises, and thus, it is nothing to do with him. In other words, Camoron can lie to the back of his teeth and get away with it.

    Meanwhile, if the Scottish people believe a single word that either Camoron, or the Blue Tories, or the Red Tories say, then we deserve everything we get. Thus we can all stand to attention under the fluttering Butcher’s Apron and sing about “rebellious Scots to crush”, and continue to be good little, forelock tugging colonials.

  12. gavin says:

    The BBC has long since been a disgrace in Scotland, but now its a UK disgrace.
    It has become little more than a State broadcaster, with its journalistic ethics taken from East German media obsequiousness toward the authority of the old GDR.
    Wall to wall coverage on multiple channels, sly intro’s from newsreaders, unquestioned acceptance of Tory hegemony ( even with the paltry support of 24% of the electorate ).

  13. Janet says:

    The Yookay is a tyranny of the mind.

    Hold on to your hats! The Establishment media have it in for us.

    And for all the drivel that they have uttered on MT recently, be prepared to remind them of house flipping and moat cleaning! Throw it back at them with gusto!

  14. broadbield says:

    Tories say they are occupying the centre ground – that’s located somewhere between Stalin and Genghis Khan.

    Duncan Smith thinks the disabled should get up and go to work, May blames it all on the immigrants, but Hunt thinks loss of tax credits will make us work as hard as the Chinese, Osborne shovels money from the poor to the rich, Javid further emasculates Trade Unions, Cameron wallows in British Nationalism and lies through his teeth.

    Like Hectorsmum I too cannot understand how anyone with a shred of social conscience can vote for them. They are the 25% – the proportion of the electorate who voted them in. And that’s called “democracy”.

  15. Jan Cowan says:

    Surely the thought of Gideon at the helm will persuade all clear-thinking people to DEMAND Scottish Independence.

  16. Whitburnsfinest says:

    Sooooooooo basically, ‘Greater Britain’ is the new ‘Big Society’ (anyone remember that? I only remember it because every time DC said it he sounded like he was talking to three year olds about the new nursery being built for them).

    So, very much just more empty sound bite crap with all the depth and meaning of management buzzwords like ‘blue sky thinking’ about ‘putting this baby to bed’. My guess is, it was probably dreamed up while DC was shagging a pig and Gideon was off his nut on whatever he allegedly gets off his nut on. Or so I’ve heard.

  17. “Greater Britain” sounds far too much like “Greater German Reich” for my tastes.
    No doubt there will be a full scale onslaught of Butchers Aprons on just about everything it’s possible to stick one on next as they try ever more desperately to force this artificial nationality upon even our very consciousness.

  18. ArtyHetty says:

    Paul, excellent as ever.

    I saw that someone mentioned feeling sorry for voters in England. I was in NE England last weekend, (it is so nice to be back in Scotland) and I fear the ignorance and ridicule they expressed toward Scotland was not so uncommon.
    One said we were ‘idiots for voting no’, ok we can forgive him that. Another said, aye ‘ yous let the tories in again’ I kid you not. All nice people, but ignorant of the facts, it may seem irrelevant to us what they think, but it sticks in the craw nevertheless, and confirms that the establishment propaganda is working.

    Our government were compared to isis, called stupid for wanting to open up to immigrants, and the Syrians should be ‘sent to another muslim country’. This all from educated, lefty, so called people. I was taken aback by the dismissive, sometimes close on hatred for Scotland’s people, particularly the pro indy.

    So, I don’t feel sorry for them, not until they start to look closely at how they are being shafted and manipulated, not by Scotland, (yes apparently “unity is always better, and we share a land border for goodness sake!”) but, by the london elite and their pals…

    • Aye, those kinds of remarks are not untypical. In truth, here in predominantly Tory Cumbria they can be very hostile. Quite why this is so a mere ten miles south of the border eludes me. Most are patronising rather than aggressive mind. I think it’s more a case of them being uncertain of their true nationality, there being so much Scottish blood around Carlisle especially and I think they’re in denial. A bit like some of the loudest homophobes are actually unsure of their own sexuality !

  19. ArtyHetty says:

    Oh and ‘greater britain’ sounds like porky really means greater london, its where he and his greedy pals operate from they are no more than parasites.

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