News from the place to the north of the North

Jezza came to Scotland this week, and vowed to restore his moribund party’s fortunes with some dour activities. Labour’s going to counter the joyful positivity of Scotland’s Yes campaign by being miserable, although Johann Lamont already tried that and it didn’t do her much good. Cheery and Johann are two concepts which are usually only found in the same sentence if there’s also a negative in there too, like that one. It’s not clear what Jezza meant by the phrase dour activities, perhaps he thought it sounded couthy and Scottish, but it has been Labour’s propensity for dour activities like wasp chewing and having Gaunie No Dae That Jist Gaunie No as its catch phrase that got it into its current mess in the first place. Perhaps Jezza thinks that the party can be revived with a pep talk from the Rev IM Jolly. People will really flock back home to Labour if they think it’s just like a meeting of the Wee Frees on a wet Wednesday in Wester Ross. Labour, sucking the joy out of politics since forever while hoping no one notices that Jezza’s New Politics are looking suspiciously like the old politics. He’s only been leader a couple of weeks and he’s already demonstrated that his political motor is a bit of a VW diesel.

While Jezza was being miserable in Edinburgh, possibly on account of the fact that he’d just discovered he’ll have had his tea, the Herald newspaper revealed that Labour’s MPs have been instructed to stop mentioning Scotland entirely. Scotland now takes its place on the rapidly lengthening list of things that Labour doesn’t want to mention, like Trident renewal, student fees, Gordie Broon’s Vow, where Mike Arsonist Watson keeps his matches, and Alistair Darling’s expenses claims. Labour has decided that Scotland is so upsetting that it’s better just not to mention us at all. It’s the North British way, which isn’t nationalist at all.

Despite the fact that Labour swear blind that the northern accounting unit which they call Scottish Labour really is a properly autonomous political party, it’s not actually the autonomous party of anywhere, at least not anywhere that Labour wants to admit is a real country. The Labour hierarchy in a place that isn’t England claims that mentioning Scotland plays into the Nationalists’ agenda, because using the name Scotland is acknowledging the fact that Scotland is actually a country and that makes people wonder why Scotland can’t govern itself. It’s promoting separatism to acknowledge the fact that Scotland and England are separate countries.

In fact, what really makes people wonder why Scotland can’t govern itself is the fact that British Unionist parties like Labour keep coming out with such hauf-airsed policies. It’s possibly the first time in recorded history that a political party has attempted to use sheer stupidity to patronise the electorate. Labour wants to change the language and erase over 1000 years of Scottish existence, and is arrogant and stupid enough to believe that its Westminster MPs are influential enough to achieve that goal by simply not mentioning the name Scotland. Deep down in what passes for the party’s soul, there lurks the belief that if you say Scotland three times while turning widdershins, Alicsammin will appear and cast an evil spell on you.

In keeping with the party’s aim of fostering solidarity within the UK, Scottish Labour will now be known as Transgeordie Labour. As a result of the new policy of linguistic engineering, which isn’t a Scottish policy because there is no Scotland to have Scottish policies for, Ian Murray’s job title has been changed to the Shadow Secretary of State for Greater Red Morningside and the party’s justice spokesperson has taken to referring to the Met Polis HQ as That Place To The North Of The North Yard, whereas the BBC will now call it the place where you are – although to be honest that’s what they’ve called us for years now – and Reporting Scotland will have its name changed to Reporting Labour.

The attempt to claim to be the most patriotically Scottish party hasn’t lasted long. Labour are still reeling from the drubbing they got at the polls after Jim Scottish Irn Bru Murphy for Scotland tried to tout the Scottish Labour Scottish Party for Scotland We’re Really Dead Scottish Honest Party. Sadly the voters decided that they were just dead and not honest at all. As a result we now have a rare example of modern politicians adopting the oldest funeral ritual in the world, not speaking the name of the recently deceased. It’s a form of magic, don’t say the name and you will be immune to the evil spirit of Nicola Sturgeon stealing all your expenses claims.

A refusal to mention the name of the recently deceased or things which upset you is a taboo which is widespread amongst traditional cultures, although it’s unlikely to succeed because the rest of us are not going to forget that Scotland is a country just because some Labour MP for the Midlands refuses to utter its name. Whereas traditional peoples adopt the practice as a means of demonstrating respect, Labour is doing it to demonstrate its disrespect. The party would have considerably more success in reviving its fortunes in Scotland if it adopted some other traditional funeral practices from ages long past, like staking out Tony Blair to be pecked at by ravens, or walling Gordie Broon up in a cave – although given the fact that he never appears in public it’s perfectly possible that they’ve already done that.

So Labour wants to restore its fortunes in that place to the north of the North by being miserable and refusing to acknowledge that Scotland exists. This is going to endear Yes voters to the party and make us all flock back home to Labour. Of course, as the famous saying has it, we didn’t leave Labour, Labour left us, and now we’ve got possession of the house we’ve bolted the doors and locked the windaes so that the basterts cannae sneak back in. But it doesn’t look like we need to worry, as it seems that Labour has lost our address.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR ‘KL’ Someone identifying themselves only as KL made a bank transfer to my account so they could buy copies of my new books. Unfortunately the only information linked to the payment are the initials KL and I have no means of linking the payment to a mailing address. Could KL please email me and identify themselves so I can get their books sent out. Many thanks.

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48 comments on “News from the place to the north of the North

  1. […] Source: News from the place to the north of the North […]

  2. Fairliered says:

    How is it that you always hit the nail on the head in a way that all of us who follow you can only dream of?
    You have just put what I was thinking into really really good words!

  3. gavin says:

    I remember many years ago having a great pub crawl in Rose Street ( when it was a wonderous and magical place) with half a dozen mates, when some stranger, even drunker than us, wanted to tag along. We couldn’t shake him, even to the point of him hingin’ onto a leg as we were leaving one pub for another.
    “Git away, leave us be, ya bum”.
    That is Labour now, hingin’ onto our leg. Nae pals, nae fun.
    ” Git away, ya Labour bum”!

  4. heathermclean19 says:

    One of your funniest yet Paul, just about choked on my chilli chicken reading this!!
    Brilliant as usual! Thanks for making us all laugh, even in the midst of all the stupidity and shenanigans of the British Westminster establishment!

  5. macart763M says:

    A beezer Paul. 😀

    A weapons grade brain fart that could only have emanated from a policy wonk descended from Baldric.

    You can see it now (wavy lines)

    Oh great Jezza, I have a cunning plan my lord.

    In order to promote Yookayishness, we will do away with mentioning the names of our partners point of origin. Henceforth they will be known as Symbol the nationality formerly known as (*). We will have a Shadow Secretary of State for Symbol. We will all attend the Symbol Affairs select committee and when we discuss the vetoed amendments to the Symbol bill, we can cheer wildly as the new Symbol Act delivers massive new powers over leash licensing and road signage for the natives of Symbol, the northern most region of one nation Yookay.

    What do you think?

    (Jezza) Brilliant!

    Make it so servile policy wonk.

    And lo it came to pass, though strangely rather than bells ringing throughout the land in Yookayish unison, great roars of derisive mirth could be heard from the massed ranks of cybernattery the length and breadth of the interwebby.

    Feckwittery writ large.

  6. Deedee says:

    “In fact, what really makes people wonder why Scotland can’t govern itself is the fact that British Unionist parties like Labour keep coming out with such hauf-airsed policies. It’s possibly the first time in recorded history that a political party has attempted to use sheer stupidity to patronise the electorate”

    Not sure, pretty sure they’ve managed it at least once before! Actually had tears of mirth running down my face, Just brilliant Paul.

    • benmadigan says:

      reminds me of PM Thatcher’s TV ban on Sinn fein in the 1980s – the viewer could see the SF speaker and hear an actor repeating his/her words but SF wasn’t being heard on British airways!!

      PS what about the rugger? England, Wales, Ireland and North, North Britain? or the South,South Faroes?

  7. Jan Cowan says:

    Thoroughly enjoyed your suggested “traditional funeral practices”. There’s nothing like a good laugh to improve our day.
    KL has everyone wondering and waiting for the important message to disappear……….

  8. The Scottish Play says:

    Thanks for that WGD and all the others – great laugh. Let’s examine that Xxxxland Bill against promises made and what delivered – and make good use of your X next time remembering just who it was that does not want the name of Scotland even mentioned.

    • Duderick says:

      Scottish Play, You will have to rethink that one If you Google Xxxx (land) you might end up with Photies of David Camoron :o)

  9. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Let’s look at the reality.

    (Not) Labour long ago hitched it’s identity to England.

    Just over 25 years ago the six centuries old symbol of England, the Lancasterian red rose, became the defacto emblem of (Not) Labour.

    To this day click on the Scottish branch office Web page and look at the banner at the top where sits a nice red rose between Scottish and Labour.

    Why isn’t it a thistle or a bluebell?

    The reason for Labour adopting this symbol was all too clear at the time – they wanted to appeal to “middle England”.

    How can it be any surprise that they want to remove the word Scotland from their lexicon?

    I never thought I could ever loathe a political party as much as I loathed the Tories but a socialist party founded in Scotland which has ditched both socialism and Scotland has finally proved me wrong.

    How anyone can vote for them in the current Scottish guise is simply beyond my ken.

    I can see why the Tories might sneak ahead to become the official opposition in May.

    I would never vote Tory myself but at least those who do know exactly what they are voting for and that’s their perogative.

    But voting for (Not) Labour? What does that mean anymore? What exactly do you think you’re voting for? Certainly not socialism; certainly not a party that puts the poor and unemployed first; and not a party proud to put the needs of Scotland first.

    If the Tories do overtake them in May it would be the ultimate humiliation in Scotland but nothing more than they deserve.

    And how date any of the current crop even mention Keir Hardie when they are not fit to tie his hobnail boot laces.

  10. JuneJuney says:

    Hey dude, If I buy your book and pay for coffees instead of postage would you meet me in the toon and give them to me personally? I’m not a nutter, honest!

  11. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  12. fillofficer says:

    great stuff dug. you just alerted me to this ridiculous charade. someone in slab is working for the blues, surely. its just too obvious. they’ve been infiltrated & cant look any more ridiculous. are they seriously trying to attract voters or repel them. its humiliating. how can they walk the streets of scotland. aargh !!

  13. and Reporting Scotland will have its name changed to Reporting Labour.

    But that would be true and would go against there royal charter.

  14. Sue Varley says:

    Thanks Paul. Out of everything I’ve read on this story today, you have said it by far the best. I could barely manage to read it to my husband for laughing. Brilliant!

  15. Luigi says:

    You’re on a roll, Paul. Keep going!

    I wish I had your razor wit and creative writing skills. You are doing a braw job for the cause. 🙂

  16. Clerystar says:

    That’s, miss- reporting Scotland, and BBC, Scotland yesterday……yesterday’s news channels

  17. Labour have been doing the same to England for years (so have the Tories and Lib Dems). Westminster code for England is ‘this country’. Gormless Gordon delights in using the phrase ‘nations and regions’ England being the regions. We don’t have a BBC England we have BBC English Regions. The is no English Labour Party, no English Parliament. Even charities have been sucked in to Westminster’s denial of England. There is an Age Scotland, Age Wales and an Age UK. No Age England. As a humble English nationalist my advice to Scotland is get out of this corrupt Disunited Kingdom while you can.

  18. JimW says:

    I’m not certain, but I think if you sent KL’s book to Kezia Lugdale,c/o Scottish Parliament that it’s bound to reach the right person.

  19. Sandra Stewart says:

    You are a genius and reading your work helps keep me sane in this midst of unionist madness.

  20. Andrew Brown says:

    Another classic Paul. Did you ever watch an American comedy series called “Son of the beach” which was a “Baywatch” parody. It was set in Malibu Adjacent if memory serves.

    Maybe we could become England Adjacent ?

    Nah, I think I’ll stick to Scotland if nobody minds.

  21. macart763M says:

    Books just arrived Paul.

    Tonight a dram and a walk down memory lane.

    • diabloandco says:

      Mine arrived this morning – ready for similar treatment!

      I forgot to mention Paul that you looked and sounded absolutely fantastic in the video.
      Most impressive!

      • macart763M says:

        Busy day all round.

        I’m off to sit in on Mr Salmond’s appearance at a book festival today and listen to his recollections of the referendum.

        Between that and the books its going to be an evening of quiet reflection I think.

  22. Perhaps Jockistan would appease some South of the North? Personally, I reckon it’s a cunning Labour plot to prevent sales of the WGD books (postal addresses and all that). 🙂

  23. hektorsmum says:

    Another excellent blog Paul, who would have thought that the collective ideas of a whole lot of over educated people would have come up with this stupid idea. They are laughing their socks of over on twitter and nothing like a bit of humour used as an attack on idiotic po-faced fools.

  24. JimK Kidd says:

    This would have been a great final episode for a revived Fawlty Towers as Basil hosts MP’s for a Labour do – ” DON’T MENTION SCOTLAND!”

  25. Astragael says:

    It’s not actually wet (for once) and it isn’t Wednesday, but this is Wester Ross and even the Wee Frees would surely be laughing like drains were they to read ‘News from the place to the north of the North’.

  26. Scotland is now North-north. Like New York,New York so good they named it twice!

  27. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Got my books too. Thanks Paul.

  28. Got my books tae, but some bastards written all over the front pages.

  29. Watching he history channel about the industrial revolution.Scotland doesn’t exist there also.Talking about the steam engine the the commentator came away with a cracker.The steam engine was invented by English engineer James Watt.

  30. Ken Waldron says:

    Priceless Paul…On blistering form yet again! thanks for that.

  31. Jan Cowan says:

    My books arrived this afternoon. The 2nd reading is as enjoyable as the 1st. No need to stop. Can we look forward to Volume 3?

  32. benmadigan says:

    finally got time to put a few thoughts together on S *********** “silent treatment”

  33. Guga says:

    The bit about the Red Tories wanting to eliminate all mention of Scotland does not surprise me in the slightest. We have had Porky Camoron going on about “one nation” and we had Millipede (and now Corbyn) also going on about “one nation”. So it would seem that both the Red and the Blue Tories want to eradicate Scotland’s existence from history.

    This wish to eradicate us from history reminds me of the rewriting of history along the lines of “1984”. Not only that, it immediately brings to mind the “Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer” policies of Nazi Germany, as well as the idea that the Scots will become the Untermenschen.

    Nothing changes in either the Red Tory or the Blue Tory mentality, and nothing ever will. To ensure Scotland’s survival we must have independence as soon as possible.

  34. John Edgar says:

    JC’s use of the Scots word “dour” seems to be misplaced. Perhaps he will in due course discover another guid Scots word when after his troubles increase. He may not use the word Scotland, but he will end up fair scunnert when he gets the heave after the putsch.

  35. That was hilarious. Hitting nails on head each & every time.

    Laugh out loud funny. You know, there is a glittering 2nd career for you as a stand up comic!

    Just in awe of your wit.

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