The Scottish media has been in SNPbaaaad overdrive because Michelle Thomson MP has had the party whip removed while there’s an investigation into the role of her lawyer in her property dealings and because Fiona Hyslop gave government money to the organisers of T in the Park. It’s the worst political scandal since the last time someone in the SNP was accused of anything, which was yesterday, and there weren’t even any pigs involved. Labour was calling for Michelle Thomson to be thrown out the party and hung out to dry within five minutes of the news coming out, although strangely it took them somewhat longer to take action on Eric Joyce.
We’re positively drenched in the SNPerniciousness, it’s like the rain in a Scottish summer, so all pervading that you scarcely notice it any more. It has long since passed the point where anyone cares. Even if someone in the SNP were to shag a pig live on Scotland 2015 while offering to do a secret deal with Vladimir Putin, half of Scotland wouldn’t care. Och Davie Cameron’s already done that, bloody Unionists, they’d say. And they’d be right. You’d think this would be a signal warning to the media about the dangers of crying wolf, but they can’t help themselves.
The reason for the SNPocalypse is to distract us from far more interesting scandals, like the self-immolation of the Labour party, the descent of the Tories into porcine putrescence, the continuing irrelevance of the Lib Dems, and the final decline of the British state into the laughing livestock of the planet. It is of course a well known fact, at least in Scottish media circles, that the individual failings of a single SNP politician means that Scottish independence is a non-starter, whereas the systematic, repeated, and institutionalised misbehaviour of generations of Westminster politicians is merely a series of personal lapses and no reflection whatsoever on the moribund and mouldy British state.
Westminster’s personal lapses grow ever more spectacular. This week Davie Cameron wanted to participate in the Parliamentary football match but was told he wouldn’t be allowed as he’s got previous for ham baws. Glad that’s been cleared up then. He got an oinkment for it.
Another personal lapse which is no reflection whatsoever on the collective behaviour of Westminster MPs, and certain not Fluffy Mundell who just happened to share an office with him, is the on-going court case against Alistair Carmichael. The judges have refused to throw the case out as the Karmakoala’s lawyers had argued, and have said that they need to hear the evidence before they can make a ruling. The prospect that Alistair may be oot on his ear looms ever larger.
The exploration of the evidence is going to be pretty tricky for Al, since the evidence largely consists of him explaining why he told a porkie almost as embarrassing as the one that is suing Davie Cameron for alimony in the courtroom next door. Meanwhile a team of archaeologists has descended on Orkney, hoping to unearth a shred of Alistair’s dignity, however all they found was the remains of a pig in a compromising position with the skeleton of the last voter who thought the Lib Dems were a worthwhile proposition.
We’re now faced with the prospect of seeing Alistair have to explain why it was OK for him to lie through his teeth to the electorate and tell the judges why telling a bacon whopper wasn’t a reflection on his character, but simply a necessary part of his job. Vote for me so I can tell you lies isn’t a winning slogan in any political campaign. The sight of Carmichael giving evidence is likely to be as delicious as a bacon sandwich that brought unending embarrassment to a Tory Prime Minister.
This week we’ve got party conferences. The Lib Dems had theirs over the weekend, but no one could be bothered to watch, except the poor saps from the BBC who insisted on broadcasting it. It was held in the basement of a scout hut in Kettering, but there were still plenty of spare chairs. Tim Fallon, the new leader that no one has heard of of a party that no one cares about said that he was going to do something or other that no one is going to notice. Although he added that the SNP is very very bad. It was all highly relevant and terribly crucial to bugger all.
Labour has its conference this week too. It started off badly with Jezza making stuff up about the SNP, and then descended further into farce from there. This is the great hope of progressive politics in the UK. He still wants to scrap Trident, although his party won’t let him debate getting rid of it. Your chances of getting rid of Trident by voting Labour remain approximately the same as the chances of Davie Cameron ever escaping public pig based ridicule. There’s only one way to get rid of Trident from Scotland, and it doesn’t involve voting for a party which is determined to keep Scotland a part of the British state.
Jezza wants people in Scotland to take another look at the Labour party, however his problem is that when we take another look at it we still see Iain Gray, Jackie Baillie, and Kezia Dugdale with their problems with numeracy and their complete inability to tell us what they’d do that was better. We still see a party that hasn’t changed and is incapable of changing. Labour has told us since 2007 that it was listening and learning but all it’s ever learned is that it needs to keep yelling that the SNP is really really bad. Jeremy Corbyn shows no sign that he understands Scotland, he acts as though we’re an embarrassment that he wishes would just go away, and when you look at the Labour party in Scotland you can understand why he feels that way.
It’s not so much that Labour in Scotland is controlled by political has-beens, it’s that they never quite got there in the first place, yet they keep banging on and on and on with the enthusiasm of Davie Cameron banging a dead pig, and with much the same effect. Labour in Scotland does need to change, but it won’t change because of a change in leadership in London. Change will have to be forced upon it by the Scottish people. We can change it into a party that’s extinct.
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