Liz the Last takes the train

On Wednesday the Queen of Scots took a trip on the new Borders Railway, and some elderly wummin from Windsor joined Nicola Sturgeon on the journey. The BBC has been having a collective royorgasm over the fact that an 89 year old woman with a permanently sour expression hasn’t died yet. She’s now the longest serving monarch, although why monarchs are described as “serving” is never explained. We’re the ones who do the serving. Tomorrow she’ll be an even longer self-serving monarch so presumably we’ll be betting this media monarchlimaxing again tomorrow, and every day from now on. Although to be honest, that isn’t really very different from what we’ve had to put up with over the previous 60 odd years.

Although much of the media persists in referring to her as Elizabeth II, Scotland has never had a queen Elizabeth before, so calling her the second is innumerate. But then academia was never the strong point of a family whose pastimes revolve around killing wildlife while posing as chairpersons of wildlife protection charities. The correct title for the current monarch in Scotland is of course Elizabeth the Last. And she’s not Queen of Scotland, on account of the fact that the Scottish monarch was traditionally regarded as first among equals and the rest of us consider that we have the right to depose him or her when they do thing that displease. Such as purring at referendums or buying helicopters for their grandson while claiming they’re feeling austerity with the rest of us. This is in accordance with the ancient royal Gaelic principle of tanistry, which loosely translates as Do You Really Need to Be Reminded About Thon Coalmine in Sverdlovsk Pal. Deposing the monarch was Scotland’s most popular parcipatory sport until the fitba was invented, and unlike kicking a baw aboot, it was one we were really rather good at.

The full correct title of Elizabeth the Last in Scotland is Queen of Those Scots Who Give a Toss About the Royals, which is an ever decreasing number and mostly consists of Ruth Davidson and people who think that Councillor Gordon Mccaskill is a wit and ranconteur. It’s a safe bet that once Liz shuffles off and we’re lumbered with Charles, that number will decrease to a number approximately equal to the current membership of the Conservative party in Scotland. So about a dozen then. It’s likewise a safe bet that the Westminster Parliament will never consent to a referendum on the future of the monarchy, which is yet another reason that Scottish independence gets more and more attractive with every passing day. Alicsammin might have expressed support for the monarchy, but he’s not a king either, a point which seemingly has escaped much of the UK media.

Liz the Last’s determination to last means that a grateful nation of forelock tuggers who exist only in TV studios and newspaper columns can continue to name things after her without consulting the rest of us, despite the fact she’s neither paid for them nor supported them in any shape or form. We have the BBC to thank for showing us the real meaning of Great British Sycophancy, the new game show to be presented by Mel and Sue in which C list celebrities you’ve never heard of will compete to see how far they can get their tongues up the backside of a minor royal while icing an Empire biscuit with a portrait of Princess Diana.

It’s a remarkable achievement, oiled all time sycophancy champion Nicholas Witchell as he spoke into his Queen Elizabeth microphone while reporting from beside the Queen Elizabeth Border Railway on the Queen Elizabeth asphalt, that an 89 year old woman is still alive despite the fact that her personal fortune is only slightly larger than the annual budget of a developing nation that has churlishly refused to name itself after her.

Even though she is marginally less wealthy than a Russian oligarch, she asks for nothing for herself and large numbers of her relatives, except £40 million annually from the Sovereign Grant, £13 million annually from the Duchy of Lancaster, and £19 million annually from the Duchy of Cornwall. Plus perks, like the upkeep of all those castles and palaces with their spare bedrooms that won’t be seeing a Syrian refugee any time soon. The campaign group Republic estimates that the true cost is around £300 million. The DWP doesn’t even insist on a fit for work test. All that waving costs you know. White gloves don’t come cheap and sour expressions are hard to keep up. Gawd bless ‘er. She needs all that money, because she has to support the likes of Prince Andrew, who is so inept that he would actually fail a DWP fit for work test.

On Wednesday, to celebrate the fact that she’s never had to face a fit for work assessment at the Queen Elizabeth Job Centre or had her benefits sanctioned, she’s even gone and got on a train just like normal people, enthused the team of BBC’s reporters on today’s sooking up duties, because there’s so much arselicking on display today that even Nicholas’s tongue isn’t long or lubricated enough. Of course it’s not a normal train, commuter service was suspended so that the official Queen Elizabeth train could take over the Queen Elizabeth track, but then the plebs will be happy to give up a day’s income in celebration of the fact that an 89 year old woman with great private Queen Elizabeth healthcare hasn’t died yet.

Meanwhile back in the real world, a second opinion poll has confirmed that Scottish people are really no longer very enthused about this whole Union carry on. Someone won’t be purring about that news, but it’s drowned out on the telly amidst the tonguing. Gordie Broon will be grateful as it conveniently obscures his grudging admission that his Vow hasn’t been delivered after all, and that the UK government is “falling short” on the promise. That’s “falling short” in the same sense that Nicholas Witchell falls short of republicanism.

I’ll just console myself with the comforting thought that every new day of Liz the Last’s reign takes us a day closer to Scottish independence, and a referendum on a republic.

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46 comments on “Liz the Last takes the train

  1. ‘Liz the alas’ love it

  2. jimnarlene says:

    I’ve been busy, avoiding the “I can’t believe Bettys still alive road/rail show”, so I can’t really comment.

  3. […] Liz the Last takes the train […]

  4. manandboy says:

    Mibbe she wuz hingin’ on fur the record an’ noo she’ll pack it in. Ah mean, fairz fair. Charlie should get a wee shot tho’ crownin’ a grandfaither isnae gonnae look good in the foties. Onyway, Charlie could dae it for 5 years an’ then gie it tae Wull. That should keep everybody happy. We’ll be awa by then anyway.

  5. Apparently ‘Liz the Last’ has worn more hats in history than anyone else; so the BBC gushed. I’m pretty sure Danny La Rue or the ‘Sex in The City’ lassies might dispute that, whilst wearing smiles along with their hats, unlike ‘Liz the Crabbit’.

    Back in the real world, I was appalled to see a Hungarian camera woman kicking Syrian children and tripping up a refugee father carrying a child, so that he fell on his child. She’s since been sacked by her TV company but I suspect that will last as long as Farage’s resignation.

  6. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  7. hektorsmum says:

    Well if she lives as long as Queen Mother Wooden Teeth we will all be deed before she is. Sick to death of British this and British that, so Queenie is just another reason to watch something other than all that rubbish on TV, which is the reason that I am on the computer at twelve minutes past eight of an evening.

  8. […] Source: Liz the Last takes the train […]

  9. Hetty says:

    Great read, thanks. I just don’t get the mania from some who ‘love the royal family they work hard you know’. Oh my bloody god. And to add insult to injury they insist that the whole lot of em cost us nowt!

    Have a read of great book, ‘Living off the State, a critical guide to royal finance’ by Jon Temple. Though it took me a year to get hold of it, probs needs updating as it’s 2008 I think. All very interesting, should be compulsory in all schools, including the rich kids ones, though they are told what to think and how to vote, so maybe not.

  10. gavin C Barrie says:

    Och, I missed all of it. Working at my allotment, walking my collie, playing some music, eating, some medicinal red wine. just not enough time in the day. What’s a poor boy to do but ignore it all, and vote to end the monarchy.

  11. Paid no attention to all that mince apart from seeing Nicola trying hard not to boak at GSTQ. The most important aspect of the day was seeing a bonny A4 steaming down the Gala Valley for the first time since 1966 – even if that ugly bit of wiggly tin at the back was further disfigured by a Dali-esque Butchers Apron on the side.

  12. Marconatrix says:

    But just supposing you ditched the monarch, who would you choose as Head of State? And how?

    • Enid Anderson says:

      Given that she has no material function in the UK except ceremonial, Scotland could do pretty well without an executive. However, Eire managed very nicely by electing a President with purely a ceremonial and diplomatic function.

  13. jdman says:

    The sickening sight of watching Nicola Sturgeon playing the sycophancy game was stomach churning knowing she had little choice than to join in the praise of Liz and maybe she meant it, she (Brenda) has after all lasted for many years getting us to pay for everything without being found out, but the whole simpering episode as related to us by the tv channels reminded me of this.

    Marcontrix says
    “But just supposing you ditched the monarch, who would you choose as Head of State? And how?”

    we show as much interest in the views of the public as the royalty do and have an election then install Alex Salmond as our dear leader,

    or maybe we should just ignore the one man who has done more for the cause of independence than anyone else in the last three hundred years,
    what do you think?

    • Marconatrix says:

      Re. AS as HoS. I think he’s done a great job, and may well have yet to give. But I don’t believe in ‘honours’ and suchlike. If you want to thank someone for a job well done, hold a party/dinner/concert … whatever in their honour, everyone have a good time, but there’s no lasting consequences, like putting someone in the HoLs.

      But specifically, one thing AS doesn’t need is an ego-boost 😉

  14. jdman says:

    “Apparently ‘Liz the Last’ has worn more hats in history than anyone else; so the BBC gushed. ”
    like this you mean?

  15. Enid Anderson says:

    I’d love a ‘Liz the Last’ car sticker!

  16. macart763 says:

    Not a lot to add to all of the above. I don’t think about the Royal family one way or t’other. They and the elites just like them are so far removed from our daily lives, they may as well live in another dimension. Yet the actions of those who inhabit that heady caste driven atmosphere go some way in shaping our daily reality.

    I’m not much for deference at the best of times and I’m uncomfortable with the whole bowing, scraping, forelock tugging, kneeling thing. You earn respect and deference, just as you earn a living, through hard work and being seen to be a person of your word, and no fellow human being should ask or expect another to kneel before them (tradition or not). I’ll pay for the office of an elected official and expect a return for that investment in good honest care and governance. I see no point in financially supporting unelected multi billionaires to act as a head of state.

  17. FergusMac says:

    If we take the same approach as the Irish Republic, then the Head of State would not necessarily be primarily a politician, but someone who has made a real contribution to the life of the nation. Even the politicians in Ireland made a serious effort to depoliticise the post of Uachtarán na hÉireann. Just about all of them, with special mention of Presidents Erskine Childers, Patrick Hillery, Mary Robinson, Mary McAleese and the current incumbent, Michael Higgins, are excellent examples of how to be an effective ceremonial Head of State. In Ireland, executive power is vested in the government.

    In addition to outstanding politicians, such as Alex Salmond or Annabelle Goldie (she is well capable of doing an excellent job, rising above her political background – she was far too reasonable and decent for the likes of Cameron and Mundell – and it would demonstrate our willingness to unite), we should make it natural for distinguished Scots from all walks of life to stand for election. Liz Lochhead springs to mind, as do Tom Devine, Ronnie Browne, Andy Murray (once he reaches the age of 35, if we adopt the Irish regulation), Quentin Jardine and John Hughes (anyone who can do so well with Inverness CT on such limited resources is an inspiration to all of us). Jeane Freeman is another possibility, as is Mark Frankland. No doubt you can think of others. Even the Wee Ginger Dug might stand …

    • Aucheorn says:

      Nae palaces or fancy hooses, wance elected they get a decorated lampost ootside their hoose. Reminiscent o’ the Edinburgh Baillies.

      • FergusMac says:

        Whether or no, they could use the banqueting hall in the Palace of Holyrood to entertain visiting heads of state and government. I am really looking forward to seeing Presidents and Prime Ministers from all over the world comin over tae oor bit, discussing world events wi Oor Nicola, and then haein a wee hauf wi oor President, or a cup o tea if they’re Moslem.

    • Elivation elivation elivation is that not how the HOLs started. 1st Minister is the only title needed as head of state, no pretentious titles.

  18. For me, the House of Windsor personify all that is wrong with the U.K today. It merely perpetuates the class system that still exists throughout these islands, rewarding sycophants with grand sounding titles, and privileges, reminiscent of the middle-ages. How anyone, and here I’m referring in particular to apparently “former socialists”, can accept such so-called awards, is beyond me, as I thought their raison d’etre for their existence was to serve us, their people, and not bend the knee to some member of an outdated institution, which has no place in 21st century Scotland..
    As for the job of President of an independent Scotland, well, I am retired, and not doing too much at the moment, so I await Nicola’s call.

  19. President Ginger; there’s a thought! 😀

  20. says:

    Hi everyone there has been a lot said about Nicola taken a trian ride with the queen its protocol so as a open minded Republician a DONT have any hang ups about it and found the tv report of the duke ignoring her quiet funny the queen spoke to her and showed manners, this is kind of similiar to our republician leaders across the water meeting her only a bit more controversial a feel it’s right we show a sensible approach as loyalists or people who like the queen will be living in our republic soon to so for us to get all in a fuss about it is your heart ruling your head it’s good for Nicola and Martin across the waves to have public meetings and welcomings with the royal family as it shows how good there diplomatic skills are and highlights everyone is included this is a subject a get stick for but a see the good it does both here and in Ireland and a hope in the future when our great country’s that make the UK final seperate the ruling monarch gives it there approval and blessing ,it’s well on the cards we will see independence so diplomatic harmony is best could you imagine if the snp refused her the orcs would be foaming at the mouth and the media would have a field day ,the queens a london brand for tourists now and is old so a don’t slag her as am Scottish and taught to speak nice of the elderly the money side of it is wrong when we see queues at food banks people sanctioned and so it makes my blood boil but it will never make me lose my scottish class and that’s why a show empathy to the queen and support to Martin and Nicola and any other of our politicians we vote in meeting them a independent Scotland is for everyone even the queen !
    The motto of this comment is empathy and scottish class = politeness fairness and not being Orc like with sensitive subjects it’s what makes us different from our unionist no camp !

      • says:

        Thanks J An independent Scotland is for everyone even loyalists am Scottish irish and have lots of rangers fans in my family am west coast but a lot of them are SNP but still like the queen we all know it’s outdated but at same time a always try and be diplomatic about it you would think me hosting a celtic minded site a might say things like ftq and so on a don’t and never will as it would be playing in to the media and hardline unionists hands just now the they fell there backs to the wall so we have to show them that they count in it all to ,also alex was calling her the queen of scots during Indy and that would not change if we win its one step at a time Indy first then ref for monarch issue this would be fare for noers to have there say to don’t forget people who like the thought of Indy also like the thought of queen of scots its a great debate this side of it and the fact people who vote for Indy also like the queen to must always be considered !

  21. says:

    Elpresedenti sexy Salmond enutjat !

  22. david agnew says:

    I’m with Thomas Paine when it comes to the monarchy

    “There is something exceedingly ridiculous in the composition of monarchy; it first excludes a man from the means of information, yet empowers him to act in cases where the highest judgment is required.”

    “Hereditary succession has no claim. For all men being originally equals, no one by birth could have the right to set up his own family in perpetual preference to all others for ever, and tho’ himself might deserve some decent degree of honours of his contemporaries, yet his descendants might be far too unworthy to inherit them.”

  23. osakisushi says:

    After reading the above, I was left with the sneaking suspicion you don’t entirely approve of our royal family….
    Had to laugh the other day. The Daily Mail (a soft porn newspaper) had a picture of the Royal Family standing to attention at the recent highland games.
    I added the comment that
    “it was gratifying seeing them stand to pay respect when Nicola Sturgeon entered the stadium.”
    For some reason, I got more Green ticks than Red ones. The article hadn’t said anything about whether NS was even there!

  24. Guga says:

    WGD, what you forgot to mention is the Human Rights Act under which the law should be applied to all people equally and fairly.

    However, haven’t you noticed that Mrs. Elizabeth Hanover Saxe-Coburg Gotha Schleswig-Holstein Soenderburg-Glucksburg, a.k.a Betty Windsor, is allowed to drive without having a driving licence, insurance, road tax, M.o.T., or even a number plate on her car?

    I think we should all follow suit, and when any of us get convicted of driving offences then we should all club together and take the case to the European Human Rights Court.

    Anyway, after independence, we should be able to get shot of these foreign benefits scroungers.

  25. Billy leggie says:

    She is not queen of scots. Never had a scottish coronation.

    • says:

      Hi billy that’s what the scot gov said so if you would care to elaborate and enlighten me to the true title that would be well kind and would back you comment up !

  26. Golfnut says:


    I agree, everyone should get there say on this issue. Scotland is the oldest surviving kingdom in Europe and should not be dissolved lightly.

    The majority of people in this country have little idea of the real history of this kingdom. My own introduction at secondary started with a page on the Roman invasion of Britain, it’s tribes and the word Scot means pirate in Latin. So Robbie Bruce was actually king o the pirates and we live in pirate land.
    The word Scot, actually means ‘ People of the sail’. The similarity between the Latin and celtic meanings is simply because Latin Greek and Hebrew share the same root as the celtic languages.

    Sorry, I did not mean to give a history lesson here, I am not qualified, just someone who has discovered just how badly this nation, the people who identify as Scots, of whatever race or religion, have been served.

    Google Ard righ na Alban and you might be surprised at the lack of information on the Queens oldest title. Wonder why?

    • says:

      Hi mate great comment the history is fudged to suit the archives a love the idea of being a pirate thou lol your comments are well informative a will google it just now and see what it says !

    • says:

      The high kings of Scotland a Wikipedia search a did there am celtic FC not Gallic although a love learning about our history and the galic saints and so on it is well interesting They don’t want us to know there were other rulers and faiths although am still ecstatic about the pirate Latin thing lol they say you learn something new everyday and today that saying for me is well true !

  27. macthehun says:

    Longest serving monarch of the UK. Bhumibol has been around even longer.

  28. jamescaine709 says:

    Not to be pedantic (who am I kidding?)but as Elizabeth de Burgh was married to Robert Bruce and was crowned beside her husband at Scone in 1307 making them King and Queen of Scots.
    Then it follows that Auld Lizzie Windsor is in fact Elizabeth II of Scots and Elizabeth II of England there being Queen Elizabeth’s of both countries separately.
    Logically Lizzie should be Elizabeth I of the United Kingdom not that logic has ever had anything to do with the UK.

    • weegingerdug says:

      I think regnal numbers apply to reigning monarchs and not consorts. Or something. The world of monarchists is a strange one, which is really best avoided.

      • says:

        A must say WGD your commenters certianly know there history and facts a think this is most intellectual comments a have seen in a blog hopefully one day the whole of Scotland can learn the whole history of Scotland and our great past !

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