Ken’s reactionary cringe

Ken Macintosh, the not leading candidate for branch manager of the Labour party in Scotland – who is better known as “Who’s he?” even in his own party – has stated that Scotland shouldn’t get any more powers from Westminster. Ken’s really keen to attract back the voters that Labour has lost to the SNP, and thinks that the best way to do it is to refuse to concede any more devolution at all. Labour calls itself the party of devolution, Ken calls it the party of you’ll have had your devolution.

Ken is concerned that a woman whose only ability is to shoehorn an attack on the SNP into every single statement has greater public recognition than he does. Just this week alone, Kezia Dugdale has blamed the SNP for letting her tea go cold, demanded the resignation of Nicola Sturgeon after a wean in her local swing park bruised his knee, and written an impassioned article for the Labour supporting Daily Mail bewailing the fact that SNP supporters laugh at her. Faced with such determined opposition, and let’s face it it’s the only opposition Labour is capable of mounting, Ken decided he had to do something. He looked around for a likely bandwagon and jumped on it. I’m just like Jeremy Corbyn! cried Ken, except for the socialism, the opposition to nuclear weapons, and the desire to renationalise privatised industries and utilities that is. So failing the possession of any traditional socialist polices, and in order to show that he’s a traditional Labour politician in tune with Old Labour in Scotland, Ken decided to do the traditional Labour in Scotland thing, and to tell a load of auld mince to the media.

Ken gave the interview in order to raise his profile, because at the moment he’s not even the best known person inside his own head. So brave Ken set out to court the Yes leaning populace, and told Commonspace, a pro independence news site, that he doesn’t want Scotland to get any devolution pudding, because we still haven’t digested the stale kale and rotten potatoes of the Smith Commish. He did also manage to get some attacks on the SNP into the piece, but no one really noticed because Labour attacks on the SNP are like bad smells, after a while your nose grows accustomed to them and you no longer notice.

In fact Ken’s pretty uncomfortable with the powers that Scotland currently has. This is because in the mental universe of Who’s He, Scots are a backward looking atavistic bunch of bigots, religious fundamentalists, right wing extremists, and Ruth Davidsons. The most popular car in Scotland is a tank, and they cause havoc on the M8 every rush hour as they compete to run over migrants and gay people. The favourite pastime of a Scottish person is dressing up like John Knox and going out on the town looking for a witch to burn, but not on the Sabbath. On the Sabbath we go around in massed groups looking for budgies’ swings to tie up. But then someone pointed out that that constituted work and was sinful, and so we had to take turns throwing rocks at one another. It’s a damned hard life being a puritan bigot you know. But looking on the bright side, we are apparently very good at it, according to Ken. In fact, according to Ken it’s about the only thing we’re any good at. I’d better not say any more about how good we are at bigoted intolerance though, because vanity is a sin and someone might throw a rock at me.

But back to the man who makes Iain Gray seem high profile and James Kelly seem likeable. Why, said Who’s He, if Scotland gets more powers from Westminster in 20 years time Scots might elect a right wing reactionary government, and that would never do. It’s the duty of the Labour party to protect Scotland from reactionary right wingery by, for example, not voting against Tory cuts to social security and adopting Conservative policies wholesale in order to make a pleading pitch to the strivey achievey people who make up focus groups. Ken thinks it’s far safer for Scots to leave all the really important heavy lifting powers of government in the hands of a parliament most of whose representatives are right wing reactionary extremists right now, and who look set to remain so after the next General Election in 2020.

Anyway, the logic, such as it is, is that Scotland is inhabited by reactionary provincials, and we rely upon the good graces of the Westminster Parliament to teach us how to act like civilised human beings. We needed Westminster to introduce anti-racist legislation, equal wage laws for women, and gay rights, because Scotland would have been incapable of working out for itself that it’s wrong to discriminate. Scotland isn’t a major multicultural centre like London, and we live in a cave with a brown paper bag over our heads, pining for the days when the Calvinists banned Sunday shopping.

Saying that Scotland can’t be trusted with the levers of power is hardly a positive selling point for a man who aspires to be First Minister. It’s like giving your car keys to a man who tells you that he’s only capable of driving sheep – although to be fair that’s quite a good qualification for a Labour party parliamentary leader. But amongst the voting public, “Vote for me because your country is mediocre and I’m the best person to manage its mediocrity,” isn’t what you might call a strong selling point.

Poor Who’s He, he’s got a very bad case of the Cringe, and the fact that Cringeworthiness is considered a positive in a serious contender for leader of a major political party is a sad illustration of the extent to which Labour, and the Union in general, has lost its way. So now we know that we’re really better together because we’re socially inadequate – like those poor lonely souls on Channel 4 dating shows who can’t get laid. Vote for me, says Ken, because you’re ugly, you’re inadequate, and you can’t get a shag. Ken’s Cringe tells us that there’s nothing that the Union has left to offer Scotland, and that we’re far better off without it.

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31 comments on “Ken’s reactionary cringe

  1. Fairliered says:

    Depressingly true!
    However, he sounds totally in tune with BBC Scotland. Eleanor Bradford will vote for him. Especially because of the demanding Nicola Sturgeon’s resignation bit.

  2. benmadigan says:

    love your posts Paul – this one’s another great one – the “who’s he?” should be applied to lots of UK politicians from all parties

  3. WRH2 says:

    You’ve hit the nail squarely on the head. When I read What’s His Name’s interview earlier today, I pretty much thought the same. Only I would have taken longer to say what I thought about it and not so aptly. Labour desperately needs to take a good look at itself and try to work out if there really is a future for it in Scotland. My answer would be they should all look for alternative employment as they are totally rubbish at what they are supposed to be doing now. Mind you come May next year, a lot of them might be unemployed.

  4. Bill Hume says:

    Who’s he???………..does it matter??…………..who’s he again?…..I’ve forgotten….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  5. […] Ken’s reactionary cringe […]

  6. stewartb says:

    Nailed it! SLAB now a prime example of the Scottish cringe as well as all its other failings.

    If only you get the Daily Record to reproduce this on its front page – for educational purposes!

  7. aitchbee says:

    Just when you think there are no further levels of stupid to plumb, Scottish Labour like to prove you wrong.

  8. Ellie Fiddes says:

    Ooh – laughter is good for the soul! Your ascerbic wit hits the target every time with pinpoint accuracy, and leaves me in stitches! I do so appreciate all your blogs,
    … so encouraging, thank you!

  9. Bill Hume says:

    I knew I knew the name. Back in May on facebook, I commented “If we can’t keep Dim Jim, than he’ll be an acceptable substitute.”
    Meet the new boss……same as the old boss (minus the Irn Bru crates…….probably).
    But we weren’t fooled the first time.

  10. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  11. As a Mackintosh I sadly have to disown this ‘who is it again’

    He cant even spell Mackintosh correctly

    First Class numptie

    Seriously though is this really the best they have?

    Scraping the bottom of the barrel does not come close.

    No wonder wee Wendy was promoted as ‘intellectual’

    Never was Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt so appropriate

  12. Guga says:

    I had to do a double take and check that it wasn’t April the 1st, as this article has all the hallmarks of one of these April Fool things in newspapers.

    I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined that any of the amadans in the North British Labour Branch could have come up with such unadulterated drivel. I think that Who’s He must be an undercover agent for the Blue Tories, and his mission is to totally destroy the Red Tories in Scotland; though they are doing well enough in that themselves. The men in the white coats should come and take him away.

  13. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Just when you thought (Not) Labour had no more feet to shoot they go and try again.

    The fact that for most of my adult life Scotland has been under reactionary right wing government in Westminster seems to have passed our Ken by.

    As does the clear mandate of the Yes campaign for social democracy in an independent Scotland with clear comments to tackling inequality, poverty, lack of opportunities, etc.

    Could it be that Ken just doesn’t ken?

  14. Steve Asaneilean says:

    That should be “clear commitments”

  15. gavin says:

    Lets face it; Ken/Kez thought Spud was the bees knees.
    They don’t like Corbyn, or socialism, and think the “market knows best”.
    They both owe an ideological debt to George Foulkes, the Donald Trump of Scottish politics.
    Ken has been around forever and has made zero impression. Kez/Fifi–a whiny wannabbee….
    They are both eminently qualified to be Labour’s Scottish janitor !

  16. David Agnew says:

    That’s labour in a nutshell. There is nothing they won’t try to turn into an attack on the SNP. But when it actually comes to stopping a real right wing party, that actually is hurting Scotland – they look the other way. Labour, with all its wee diddy men and all its wee pals in the media thought no one in Scotland was looking, cause we’re aye boozed up fitba daft plebs with nae internet or tv’s.

    UK labour and its scottish accounting unit are like the creepy kids who hide behind bullies.

  17. macart763 says:

    Labour’s epitaph – Aspire to fail.

    A party and a leadership so distant in time and space from their one time electorate, that the aspiration of a ‘leadership’ candidate; a man who apparently wishes to represent the Scottish people as first minister, is to stand f**king still as his electorate are shat upon from a very great height. His cunning plan is to accept whatever the establishment doles out and deems acceptable for second class citizens, suffer the consequences for however long that lasts and hope that if his boss ever gets into power via England’s electorate, that somehow things will get better.

    Oh joy. 😦


  18. fillofficer says:

    so Edinburgh’s got the fringe…& Glasgow’s got the cringe

  19. fillofficer says:

    sorry !!

  20. Gavin C Barrie says:

    Press release: Ken mispoke.

  21. hektorsmum says:

    Loved every word, yup when you think they cannot fall any further they manage it.

  22. arthur thomson says:

    I keep saying it but this has to be one of your best ever. I am still chuckling at the tying up of budgie swings. When I read Who’s He’s views on Common Space I was amazed that he had the dumbness to say what a lot of his red tory chums – and a fair number of ‘left left wingers’ actually think. Almost on a par with Scots not being genetically programmed to be normal. Racist crap. Your piece here answers it all. Thank you.

  23. When the war is over and the battle won, I hope they put a wee statute up to the Wee Ginger Dug. Maybe they can put it up beside wee Greyfriars Bobby, as you never left your post, wee ginger dug, you never left your post.

    • Jan Cowan says:

      What an excellent idea, Bibbit!
      Did not realise that Ken Macintosh was quite so far behind. His prudish self satisfaction is most unattractive but now he waffles nonsense. Corbyn? He actually thinks he can compare himself with Corbyn? Ken’s ignorance is astounding.
      Thanks again, WGD.

  24. macart763 says:

    Oh Jeez! 😀

    Arise Sir Danny boy:

    Outstanding trolling from Westminster, dissing the Scottish electorate who showed all of the establishment parties the door in May. They are sooooo looking to provoke the rash and halfwitted response.

    Just smile and wave. 🙂

  25. barpe4 says:

    “Ken gave the interview in order to raise his profile, because at the moment he’s not even the best known person inside his own head.”

    Paul, you are awful – but I like you!!

  26. barpe4 says:

    Wonder if Carbuncle is thinking, “I’m also a lying LibDem, so where’s my knighthood?”

  27. Ahhh…. Wee Ginger Dug!!!
    Just when I,m feeling a wee bit doon and the vision of a free independent Scotland looks like it’s having to take a back seat-
    Up you pop and give the bastards it right between the eyes with both barrels….rofl!!!

    Priceless Paul.
    But my wee tenner is winging it’s way to you for making my day.

    Langley may yer lum reek.

    Fucking deadly as per usual.

    My humble thanks.

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