Labour’s number 2s

This article should have been published a few hours ago, but when I heard the news that Gordon Matheson thought he could be a great deputy leader for the Labour party in Scotland I had to go and change my underwear because I was laughing so much.

The Labour leadership contest in Scotland has only just started, and it’s already descended into farce. Concerned that the resignation of Jim Murphy had left Scotland’s satirists and twitter parodyists without a suitably balloon like target for their ridicule, the always reliable Labour party has stepped up to the plate and provided us with the zeppelin ego of Gordon Matheson. Just as Jeremy Corbyn is a no hoper on the UK leadership ticket as a service to Labour to disguise the fact that it is now a right wing party, the leader of Glesca Cooncil has likewise announced his intention to stand as a no hoper on the deputy leader ticket as a service to Labour, because this will disguise the fact that the other candidates are deeply unappealing and implausibly ridiculous buffoons as well.

Gordie’s announcement is not, and I repeat not, remotely connected with any new Labour rule that the deputy leader gets prime billing in the list for the Scottish elections next year and will be virtually guaranteed an MSP seat. How could you possibly imagine that the leader of Glesca Cooncil could ever contemplate being self-serving.

Well I say announced, in fact Gordie shouted it excitedly like a demented garden gnome on speed. After all this is a man who almost wet himself with excitement on witnessing John Barrowman’s performance at the opening of the Commonwealth Games and forgot that microphones had been invented. These were games which, we were told, were going to bring lasting benefits to the people of the East End of Glasgow, and which gave us a swimming pool and a park. Only now we’re told that the park in Dalmarnock is to be sold off to property developers – the only people who have gained lasting cash based benefits, as indeed they have been throughout Labour’s decades in power in Glasgow.

Glesca Labour likes to sell things off. They’ve rezoned public parks allowing them to rent them out for corporate events, and now they’re hell bent on removing the steps on Buchanan Street, one of the few public spaces in the city centre, because what the city centre really needs is more retail units.

Gordie’s candidacy brings a number of advantages. The other big advantage of course is that unlike Labour MSPs who will struggle to stay in post in less than a year’s time, Gordie is a cooncillor and will still have a job all the way through to 2017. This also proves that, contrary to popular belief, a coffin can indeed have more than one last nail. Gordie is the B&Q of last nails, supplying a huge selection of last nails to suit all of Labour’s coffin requirements. He can bury Labour more deeply than the Scottish media buried the true story of his predecessor’s fall from grace.

Gordie took over leadership of Glesca Cooncil after its previous leader self-destructed in a cocaine based frenzy in ways never properly investigated by Scotland’s media. But then not properly investigating the goings on in Glesca Cooncil is a Scottish media tradition as hoary as seven days hard with Francis Gay. Back in the 1961, the Italian conceptual artist Piero Manzoni canned his crap and sold it as art, he got the idea from Glesca Cooncil, which has been canning crap and selling it to the Glesca public for far longer. Now Gordie has taken the concept to its logical conclusion and wants to be Labour’s number 2s. There are those of us who’d suggest that he already has been for quite a long time.

Gordie says he has a track record in success – but since he successfully body swerved Labour’s cooncil manifesto commitment to introduce free city wide wi-fi, no one can Google it to find out so we’re expected just to take his word for it. Gordie’s wi-fi track record probably disappeared down the non existent tunnels of the East End Subway extension that the party promised when they were touting for the Commonwealth Games.

It should be pointed out, in the interests of fairness, that Glesca Cooncil has been promising an extension of the Subway into the East End since the 1940s. It took Labour almost 100 years from the foundation of the party to 1997 to fulfil its promise of a Scottish Parliament, so it’s unfair to expect the Subway extension any time before 2040.

Amongst Gordie’s other achievements is the competition to revamp George Square. The design that the other judges favoured lost out because Gordie didn’t like it, so he cancelled the competition at a cost to the public which ran into the tens of thousands. Apparently the favourite design wasn’t suitable for citrus based celebrations and didn’t provide enough landing space for zeppelin sized egos floating above lawn ornament sized bodies.

It’s just as well that the out-going leader of Labour in Scotland has said that Scottish politics have a “post-truth” atmosphere. Labour ought to know all about that, as they took truth and blew it into a thousand pieces with just about every blood stained Iraqi press release that ever issued from the offices of John McTernan and Alistair Campbell. Gordon Matheson has been an enthusiastic exponent of the Labour art of removing truth from public statements and leaving only truthiness. It’s his ability to fabricate dissembling out of collected bits and pieces of rubbish like an over-egged womble that’s his main, his only, selling point.

For the SNP and the Greens, who are rapidly gaining credibility as the replacement for Labour as the main opposition party in Scotland, a Labour party led by Kezia Dugdale with Gordon Matheson as her deputy must be all their Christmasses at once.

See that. I got through an entire 1000 word article about how the SNP and the Greens are the only people who are going to be thankful that Gordon Matheson wants to be the deputy leader of the Labour Party in Scotland – and I didn’t even mention dogging and car parks.

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18 comments on “Labour’s number 2s

  1. macart763 says:

    Gordon Math… Oh good grief.


    Sorry, evil laugh just escaped.

  2. Mosstrooper says:

    Gordon Matheson to lead the Liebour Party? Well blow me, that sucks!

  3. Brian Robertson says:

    Yeah, I felt a similar astonishment at Gordie’s creeping “aspiration”. This will be an even whackier race than those he faced as a member of The Anthill Mob!

  4. daviddynamo says:

    If he can’t even think to use a car with tinted windows, I don’t believe he’s got enough brain cells to help guide Scottish Labour out of the wilderness.
    P.S. What financial institution does he use, is it the Dogger Bank? 😉

  5. […] Labour’s number 2s […]

  6. Cag-does-thinking says:

    It’s all about the power. Gordon can see the writing on the wall for the Labour cooncil when 2017 comes and maybe he wants to be a high profile MSP type with a one of those winning lottery list seats in 2016, which might be the last post for a few years for Labour who might just get a kicking in the 2017 council elections where Gordon might otherwise have the humiliation of congratulating some fresh faced SNP candidate and giving up the keys to the cooncil BMW. Politics is a changing and the going is getting fascinating watching the rats working out how to get out of the ship before it sinks.

  7. bjsalba says:

    Inn the sixties when i was in my teens my da thought Labour were sh!te. i would be so happy to see them gone!

  8. gavin says:

    Well, I think Gordie should be No2. Jaw dropping stuff.
    I would also want Jackanory Bailie as No3.
    And it would be most excellent if Baron Ffoulkes could be No4.
    No5 ? It could be anyone from Labour’s troupe of travelling comic players.
    Alas, after 2016 the curtain will fall on this, our most entertaining show.
    Take a bow, New Labour. We will miss you. Not !

  9. macart763 says:

    Have you seen this yet Paul?

    Spookily I was writing a piece for Thursday on FFA and the Vow, but even I didn’t think they’d be this stupid so early on.

    Just jaw dropping arrogance and ignorance.

  10. benmadigan says:

    i had just posted this before the news broke.

    Like Alba Scotia in the story – I’m gutted. May Alba and her people act wisely and with determination and decision

  11. jdman says:

    Why would ye want tae tak yer wee dug fur a walk in a car park when there’s lovely parks tae go tae?

  12. Enjoy your holidays Paul – who knows what you’ll find when you come back!

  13. david agnew says:

    Watch with amazement as a breathless Scottish media hail this intervention to save the party. Have your mind boggled as they screech that we’re laughing because we’re scared of “Oor Gordie”. The finally realise that you have witnessed irony devouring itself.

  14. I was at this council christmas party a number of years ago where the food (a lovely four course dinner) and the booze were all free and where there was a free prize draw with some absolutely amazing prizes.

    BUT at the table in front of each person was an envelope to make a donation to a local kids charity.

    Attending was Brian Donohuge and the retiring Lord Provost.

    Pre siting down for dinner I met the retiring LP and asked him if he was now going fishing or playing golf with his free time. Nope he was going to sit on the local NHS health board. Quell Surprise.

    The conversation finished abbruptly when I asked him if the big cash retirement figure that was on offer had anything to do with him retiring now. Not even a blush of embararsment it was entitlement!!!

    Then Donohuge was introduced to me, you could see the wheels whiiring, who is this person do I need to be nice to him network with him or can I just ignore him.

    All of this was bad enough and guaranteed to spoil what should have been a nice evening but worse was to follow.

    The money raised for charity was announced near the end of the evening so with 120 people there one would have expected around Four Thousand Pounds raised with at least twenty pounds per head and more like forty or fifty donated as these were all well off people.

    BUT I had forgot about entitlement, from memory it was EIGHT HUNDRED pounds raised under SEVEN pounds a head, that went to the local kids charity and I know both myself and my partner the council employee and I put in fifty pounds each so one would assume that a few people put in less than a fiver.

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