Anent the Scotland Bill an Torie tumshies

Ah thocht, fur a wee chynge, ah’d screive a wee airticle in Scots. Scots an the Gaelic is baith aiquallie Scots leids, an baith hae the exack same richt til the title naciounal leid. Scotland is unique amangst the kintras o Europe kis we hae twa leids o wur ain. Sae ah decidit tae yuise yae o thaim. Aye, we maun be inclusive an apen tae aa at comes tae byde in Scotland an maks this kintra thair hame – kis that is richt an proper. But that disnae mean we maun forget we hae leids an a culture at belangs tae Scotland an aa, else we forget whit maks Scotland Scotland an we hae naethin tae share or tae learn tae the fowk at comes here tae mak Scotland thair hame. Sae here we gang …

Yestreen in the Hous o Commons in Westminster they debatit the new Scotland Bill. Or raither, they debatit the new Scotland Bill in atweish the Torie tumshies at wis speirin important questiouns anent devolucioun fur Derby or the lamentacious state o street lichts in Letchfield. An thaim at did mynd at they were ther tae debate a Scots maitter thocht that meant myndin thair honourable freins at the SNP wis verra, gey, awfie, bad. They hope that if they repeat it aften enou than fowk in Scotland wull trew thaim, akis that’s warkit sae weill fur thaim aa up tae nou.

Mynd, the Shadae Scotland Secretarie – he’s cryed shadae akis he’s got nae substance – Ian Murray the honourable member fur Red Morningside wis nae better. He wis anither at thocht at he wis ther tae talk aboot hoo bad the SNP is. The debate gied the anerlie Labour MP fae Scotland the chaunce tae explein Labour’s new Scots policie, that is “SNP BAD!!” wi capital letters and twa exclamacioun mairks – akis juist the yae wisnae enou. He wis helped bi monie Torie intervenciouns that gaed alang the lines o “Can my honourable friend clarify whether the SNP is bad, very bad, really bad, or pure dead minging?”

An the Labour – Torie tag team birled roun an roun in its glorious irrelevance an anither wee tait o Scots faith in the Westminster seistem deed. They juist cannae help thairsels.

We’r telt bi the Westminster govrenment at the new Scotland Bill wull mak Scotland the maist pouerfu devolved kintra in the warld. An this wad be true, bit anerlie gin maist devolved is defined as – “Whitivver Westminster wants tae gie us. Nou sit doun an eat yer devosupermax wheetos.” Kis ther monie ither kintras an regiouns o the warld at haes monie mair pouers nor whit Scotland gets fae this Bill. In feck, ther mair pouerfu municipalities.

The Basque Kintra haes fou fiscal autonomie aareddies. The Basque govrenment collecks aa thair ain taxes an sends the pairt due tae Madrid fur tae pey fur non-devolved pouers tae the central govrenment. An alang wi Catalunya the Basques haes control o broadcastin. Catalunya haes its ain 24 hour dedicatit news channel, Scotland gets Reporting Scotland an Jackie Bird.

An it’s no juist the Basque Kintra an Catalunya at haes thair ain state television, ower in the faur Eist o Europe in Moldova, the puirest kintra in the hale o the continent, ther a wee penkle o territorie cryed Gagauzia at’s weer nor Fife. They’re yae o the smaaest naciouns in Europe, ther 140,000 ethnic Gagauz, a fowk at’s Turkish bi leid an Orthodox Christian bi religioun. The Moldovan constitucioun kens the richt tae autonomie o the Gagauz, an gies thaim wald o thair ain launds, economie, schuils, taxacioun, an broadcastin an aa. They hae thair ain TV channel. Nou mibbies it’s no gey guid. Ah widnae ken seein as hou Ah cannae speak Gagauz, tho ther maun be monie at wid say at it cannae be muckle warse nor the airheidit muppits on STV Glesca. But the pynt is at the 140,000 fowk at maks the Gagauz nacioun haes thair ain state broadcaster – somethin at the British govrenment winna allou tae the five million fowk in Scotland.

The Gagauz disnae hae yle, they dinnae hae renewable energie resources, they dinnae hae the win at Scotland haes. But the pynt is that control ower broadcastin has naethin tae dae wi the siller, an ivvriething tae dae wi wha hauds poleitickal control. A wee tait o laund in the puirest kintra o Europe – an it’s mair devolved nor Scotland. In the een o Westminster, Scots cannae be lippent tae tell ilka ither the news. We’ll mibbies tell truiths at Westminster disnae want us tae hear.

It’s no juist broadcastin whaur Westminster shaws it winna lippen Scotland. In monie o the airticles o the new Scotland Bill, the new devolved pouers kin anerlie be yuised efter speirin permissioun fae wee Fluffie Mundell, the saft toy Paddington Bear o poleiticks. A man at wis washt up on the steps o Westminster wi a label tied tae his duffel coat sayin “Haw gaunie sumbdie luik efter this Torie.” Sae they gied him a joab as Scotland Secretarie, an nou the wee lambie thinks he’s important – gumptious, aye. It maun be infectious efter sharin a buroo wi Alistair Carmichael.

Wee Fluffie swerrs blin at ther nae veto in the Scotland Bill. Ther is but. The Bill says at the Scotland Secretarie maun gie permissioun onless ther guid raison no tae, but it’s left tae the British govrenment tae decern whit’s raisonable an whit’s no. That gies thaim a hail muckle elastick inch they kin streitch tae a mile.

Sae the truith aboot this bill is that Westminster disae see hit as a wey o giein mair pouer tae Scotland, they see it as a wey o pittin the hems on the SNP. The Scotland Bill, it’s no aboot youse, it’s no aboot me. It’s aboot Westminster haudin the reins o pouer ticht an no lattin thaim drap.

penkle – scrap, small piece of something
wald – control
lippen – to trust, have faith in
gumptious – self-important
decern – determine, decree
win – wealth, wages, profit
trew – believe

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21 comments on “Anent the Scotland Bill an Torie tumshies

  1. […] Anent the Scotland Bill an Torie tumshies […]

  2. June Stewart says:

    Pure deid genie🙂

  3. macart763 says:

    Wha kent?

    A weel knoon hoose ay plum moothed thieves an’ liars.

  4. jimnarlene says:

    Guid tae rede yer scrievens in Scottis. Byous, jist byous.

  5. jdman says:

    That wis braw

  6. Steve Bowers says:

    “speirin” love it, fit a glaikit loon ye are

  7. diabloandco says:

    Fit a rich tongue we Scots hae an’ fit a pity we dinna hear mair o’ it.
    it wad fair bamboozle some in thon place doon the road.

    That was a lovely start to my day – thanks Paul!

  8. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Gle mhath

  9. – “Whitivver Westminster wants tae gie us. Nou sit doun an eat yer devosupermax wheetos.”
    Correctomundo – Awa n bile yer heids.

  10. Luigi says:

    I wish I could write like that. I could try, but it would just end up like an Oor Wullie story in the Sunday Post!. Writing essays in scots should be learned in all schools.

  11. Bill Dale says:

    Paul, you are the new Rabbie Burns! Noo jist awa tae ma Burns.

  12. Gray says:

    Aye, definitely aboot time ye went on yer holideys!😛

  13. Vic, a Dundonian in Sweden says:

    Thon spiel is affy braw
    Hae a go a’ tha spreshul scriv
    Minds ‘s o thi tym meh ma left ‘n epil peh oan the tabil.
    e’ e’ i’ a ‘n a’ eh’ gowt wis a thik eer🙂
    In case it’s too much
    That script is really good
    Have a go at that kind of writing
    It reminds me of the time my mother left an apple pie on the table
    I ate it all and all I got was a clip round the side of the head (ear)😀

  14. Gie’s a reddit button!

  15. One of the options on settings/sharing

  16. Jan Cowan says:

    Thoroughly enjoyed that, Paul. One of my grandfathers spoke in Scots but we were “corrected” if we dared to use his language. In the same way my other grand parents were denied Gaelic. Criminal. Fortunately things are different now.

  17. xraypat says:

    Love it! From an Englander in Scotland for only 45 years …especially the elastic inch….love it!

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