How to kill a coyote

You can’t kill the Coyote. Throw him off an electoral cliff so he plunges into a deep canyon which is impossible to climb out of, crush him under a boulder of votes, run him over with the on-coming Caledonian Express, he’ll still pop up again in the next scene of the Labour cartoon, eternally dooming the party to comedy failure. Jim Murphy has crawled out from underneath another rock, saving his skin by just three votes in a confidence motion at Labour’s Scottish HQ, but he has resigned anyway. Just not yet. In a wee while, next month. He has to hang around for a bit longer so that he can pretend he’s got a shred of dignity left.

Jim won the vote of confidence by 17 votes to 14, which in a fundilymundelicious irony works out at 55% to 45%. But his three vote majority was not quite what it seemed. Jim voted for himself, he also secured the vote of a former member of M16 who now sits in the Lords and who was controversially drafted in at the last moment because Labour has only got one lonely MP left. The surprise nominee is a long standing ally of Jim’s. After those two entirely predictable votes are discounted, really Jim won by just one vote, and that was Nicola Sturgeon’s.

Jim did get the support of Ian Lonely Murray, Scotland’s sole surviving Labour MP. But that was only because the Red Panda realised that as long as Jim stayed in post then he’d avoid most of the flak. Apart from him, Jim’s political passing is mourned only by the plethora of parody accounts on Twitter, who will now turn their attentions to Ian.

So Jim had to go, but not just yet, because a succession of prominent figures in the Labour party south of the border had stated that the party was the party of working people, and the voters of East Renfrewshire sacked Jim from his job. According to the papers, Jim’s resignation has thrown the party into turmoil, which does kind of make you wonder what it’s been in up until now. Something that comes out of a bull’s bum, I’m guessing.

Although I wasn’t present at the meeting, I’d put money on Jim being told that he could have a nominal victory in his vote of confidence, but only on condition that he resigned. It’s that manufactured dignity thing. It looks better in the papers, and allows both Jim and Labour to save a wee bit of face. Right up until Saturday morning Jim gave every indication that he was going to cling on to the post of leader like a dog turd on a leaky wellie without the slightest care that he was going to tread crap all over the party shag pile in the process. He was determined to remain leader even though he knew there was huge opposition against him. Jim showed no inclination to care that he was tearing apart the shattered remnants of the Labour party in Scotland. Yet by Saturday evening we were being informed that Jim didn’t want to divide the party. Uh huh. That’s so in character isn’t it. I strongly suspect that Jim was given no choice – resign or the party would resign itself to giving him the boot.

In a bitter resignation speech, Jim blamed everyone but himself for Labour’s woes. It was the fault of the SNP. It was the fault of the Tories. It was the fault of the voters for not listening to Jim. It was the fault of nationalisms everywhere, including in Tuvalu. It was the fault of previous Labour leaders for leaving abruptly. It was Johann Lamont’s fault for not standing up to Jim constantly briefing against her. But mostly it was the fault of Len McCluskey and the unions for wanting Labour to be left wing.

Jim’s not going to resign like previous Scottish leaders have resigned, before he goes he’s going to work on a plan to reform the party. Mind you, Jim was the one who came up with the plan to reform the party after it was trounced in the 2011 Scottish elections, and that hasn’t exactly worked out well for them. Mostly Jim’s plan will be about getting one over Len McCluskey. Jim thinks it’s wrong that Labour in Scotland can be dictated to by a guy sitting behind a desk in London, although he only objects when it’s a trade union desk, not when it’s the desk of a Labour front bench politician. Some London desks are more equal than others. So Jim’s plan will be to take the last of labour out of Labour, and then hope and pray that Scotland’s voters will vote for the nothing that is left.

Jim’s not going to stand for Holyrood next year – “It’s time for me to do something else,” he said, like maybe finish his degree. But in the meantime he’s off to enjoy a well deserved break somewhere where there’s far less infighting, strife and fundamentalist hatred than the civil wars which are consuming the Labour party in Scotland. Like Syria.

Jim’s tenure as leader of Labour in Scotland ended the same way as it started, with Jim insisting that he knows better than everyone else. If the Labour hierarchy reward Jim’s failure with a peerage, it will be their final death sentence and the party will never recover. Not that their prospects are looking great as it is.

So Jim’s going to come up with a plan which he’s expecting the new party leader to implement. At the same time however, this new leader, whoever he or she may be, will – according to Jim – have complete freedom to take the party in whatever direction they choose. Like for example choosing to take the party in a direction not determined by Jim and his hauf-airsed plans which were responsible for getting them into this mess in the first place.

It’s not going to be easy to find a credible new leader, as Labour’s gene pool is small and rapidly drying up. The choices are not inspiring, just when the party needs a leader with superhuman abilities. There’s Kezia of course, and James Kelly – a man who makes Iain Gray seem warm and human. Whoever it is will not only have to repair Labour’s tattered and threadbare rug, they’ll also have to scrub out the crap trodden into it by Jim. And all this in time for the next Holyrood elections in May next year.

We’re witnessing the end of days for Labour in Scotland. The party was founded as a tool of the labour movement, and it was killed by those who came to believe that the labour movement was just a tool of the Labour party. Not even Wile E Coyote himself could survive that one and live to run another day.

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Resistance is fertile

So the Cameron one has deigned to bestow a visit upon the little Scottish people, who are decidedly unimpressed with his munificence. Caledonian ingrates. Davie promised, nay swore blind, that he’d look at proposals for further devolution. What more do those Pictish types want eh? David Cameron is actually going to think about Scottish devolution, and according to the fervid UK media, that’s pretty much a guarantee that he’s going to offer a new devolution settlement and kill Scottish nationalism stone dead again. In fact it’s cast iron and as solid as a vow from Gordie Broon, because that worked out so well for them the last time. Gordie promised all sorts of amazing super-powers, although the only one which materialised was the power of invisibility, and he kept that one for himself.

Mind you, a promise to look at something isn’t quite the same as a promise to commit, get married, and settle down and get a Labrador puppy together. I might promise to go out on a hot date with a guy who gets fantastic write ups in the papers as god’s gift to gorgeousness, but upon discovering he’s Jim Murphy and the gorgeousness exists purely inside his own head then the date going to end at the soup course, with the soup over Jim’s expansive head. In fact that’s pretty much what happened when Jim invited the voters of East Renfrewshire out on a five year engagement.

Despite the rejection, Jim’s not taking no for an answer and is now stalking the Scottish body politic like a creepy ex-boyfriend with a wilted bunch of flowers he got from a BP garage in Neilston, begging us not to leave him and swearing blind that the next time he won’t let us down. Although at least some of that Gordie Broon magic has rubbed off on him, and he’s acquired the power of invisibility too.

The big difference between Jim and Davie is that there’s no way that anyone, not even Alan Cochrane, can get away with claiming that Davie is approaching the topic with an open mind. Alan was on Sky News today complaining that the SNP had won too many seats, and causing his fictional memoirs to be remaindered in bookshops. Alan was convinced that he’d single handedly defeated the forces of Alicsammin last year, and now those same forces are not only scoffing openly at his literary efforts, his beloved Union is at greater risk that it ever was and likely to end up unloved and unwanted in the bargain basement along with Alan’s book.

To be fair, very few people in Scotland have an open mind where Davie is concerned, we’ve all seen how the Tories operate. We remember that in 1979 the Tories promised that if Scotland voted no to the limited home rule offer in that year’s referendum that they’d give us something “better”, and that something better turned out to be Maggie Thatcher. The trauma of that event caused a mutation in the Scottish genome leaving the Scottish electorate with a genetic immunity to the blandishments of the Conservatives. This means that the only person in the whole of Scotland who might qualify as open minded is the Secretary of State for Wibble, Fluffy Mundell, and his mind is only open because he’s never learned how to do up the buttons at the back of his head.

So given this not insubstantial history of prior disappointments, the press headlines that the Tory government is open to considering the transfer of substantial new powers to Scotland are wishful thinking in much the same way that you can plant a feather and wish it would grow a chicken.

What’s going to happen with Davie’s promise is that Etonian eyes will glance upon the politely worded requests from north of the border, fulfilling Davie’s media promise to look statesmanlike and like he gives a toss about Scotland, and then an Etonian gob will say “bugger off” in private, before making a public announcement to kick the entire topic into some committee of Andrew Dunlops from which it will never reappear. Expecting the Tories to come out with a substantive devolution offer is like expecting UKIP and the DUP to have a float at a gay pride march complete with a semi naked Nigel Farage and Ian Paisley Junior doing a pole dance. But that’s just silly as Nigel wouldn’t be seen dead dancing with an East European immigrant.

The Conservatives will never consent to substantial devolution for Scotland even though that’s about the only thing that has half a chance of keeping the Union together. Davie Cameron is incapable of thinking beyond the next election, by which time it will be Boris Johnson’s problem and Davie will care even less than he does at the moment. You wouldn’t think that was actually possible, but it is. The Tories think of Scotland like a colonial possession, it’s a place to go hunting shooting and fishing, which gives them somewhere to host their nuclear warhead small penis compensators and lets them indulge in the fantasy that British nationalism is a better kind of nationalism than any other nationalism because it’s not a nationalism at all. That, and acting as a reservoir of natural resources and skilled labour, is Scotland’s place in the Union. Our job is to make other people feel better about themselves.

But last year Scotland planted a seed of self-determination and discovered that resistance is fertile. Contrary to common belief, self-determination isn’t solely about independence. It’s about defining your own role and identity for yourself. Scotland hasn’t voted for independence -yet – but that doesn’t mean that we can’t have self-determination within the United Kingdom for the time being. Scotland and the people of Scotland should be the ones to decide what role Scotland will play within the UK, not Davie Cameron, not the Tories, and not the Fluffellymundelly. Scotland will have greater powers sooner or later. No matter what delaying tactics Cameron employs he will not be able to withstand the tides that Scotland rides. His delays and obfuscation only make Scotland’s demand and determination even stronger. Their resistance makes Scotland’s determination more fertile and a thousand more wild bluebells flower independently.

And that’s why we returned the Gael force of 56 SNP MPs to Westminster. The message they have for Westminster is that it is not up to Westminster to tell Scotland who or what Scotland is, Scotland will tell Westminster. They no longer define us.

They better listen.

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The Secretary of State for Mundellirium

So we’ve got a new number two in the Scotland Office. And he is, by all accounts, a number two who has been dropped on the head of the Scottish body politic from a very great height. It’s a bit of a surprise that the Tories have done it really, because being crap is about the only thing that David Mundell is capable of doing unassisted.

The new number two is Andrew Dunlop, who was an advisor to Thatcher when the poll tax was being devised and imposed on Scotland. Dunlop is reputedly one of those who were instrumental in creating the tax which made the Tories look like tools. Apart from starting the process which destroyed the Tory party in Scotland, Dunlop is best known for abusing his council car park pass to avoid paying £7.50 a day when he went off to London to advise Davie Cameron.

Davie chose him because he wanted someone with a tried and tested reputation in Scotland, but he couldn’t have chosen anyone who had a lower standing in Scottish public opinion if he’d picked the Duke of Cumberland. Originally Davie had wanted to select the Duke, but was put off after discovering he’s been dead a long time. A bit like the Tories in Scotland, come to think of it.

Dunlop is not an MP, and now Davie Cameron is giving him a peerage so he can impose even more unwanted Tory policies on Scotland all over again. Because that worked out so well for them the last time. But Davie Cameron, for reasons best known to himself, believes that the unelected Lord Placeperson of Patronageshire is exactly the guy who’s needed to restore Scottish faith in the Westminster system. The Tories have already got a whole harrumph of out of touch Scottish Tories on the benches of the Lords, but it behoves the Cameron to create a new one, especially designed to get up the noses of Scottish opinion like a very persistent snotter that is out of reach of the most persistent digging finger. The Tories have clearly been taking lessons from the Labour party in Scotland in how to turn a deaf ear to Scottish public opinion.

Davie hopes that this will compensate for the mundellirium which will otherwise characterise Scottish Questions in the Commons, as even with the ritual SNP bashing non-questions from the red panda, the blue panda will be left stunned and confused by all the other Scottish MPs. To be honest, it’s not difficult to stun and confuse David Mundell, who permanently bears the shocked and surprised expression of a man who’s just realised that even though he is the last man on the planet, the last woman still won’t touch him with a bargepole.

Giving us Thatcher’s little minion to look over us is an example of Davie’s respect agenda. People who are more in touch with Scottish opinion would call it a taking the piss agenda. But then Davie is so out of touch with Scottish opinion that even Jim Murphy is more in touch than Davie is, and Jim reads the Scottish runes in a basement illuminated by a burned out lightbulb and while he’s wearing welding goggles. But Davie has a Tory majority and doesn’t need to care what Scottish voters think, although if he thinks this appointment is going to help him save the Union he probably also believes that Katie Hopkins is an ideal choice for the post of United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.

So the question is – in his handling of the Scottish question is Davie arrogant and high handed and annoying us all on purpose, or is he merely spectacularly stupid and ham fisted and making a number two situation even worse? Although it has to be said that those two propositions are not necessarily mutually exclusive. In fact, given an examination of Davie’s previous incursions into Scottish affairs, it’s a running certainty that they’re both equally true.

We’re getting another incursion tomorrow. Davie’s coming to have a wee word with Nicola the day after a cross party committee at Holyrood took a long hard look at the Smith Commission proposals and said that they were in fact pretty rubbish to begin with, and have got increasingly rubbisher as Westminster gutted them. Despite the fact that the Smith Commission is losing credibility quicker than Jim Murphy is losing union support and Kezia Dugdale can say “SNP bad”, in his mundellirium, our new Secretary of State for Unwanted Torydom still thinks that this is a final settlement for devolution. It’s the charming naivety normally associated with a stuffed panda, so pretty much what we’ve come to expect from David Mundell then.

He pretty much alone in this opinion, just as he is alone in the opinion that his government can abolish the Human Rights Act and the Scottish Parliament will roll over and say, “Well that’s OK then. Here’s the other cheek of our arse, you can kick that too.” Back in the real world it’s hard to say what has a longer life expectancy, the Smith Commission proposals, Jim Murphy’s career, or a scrofulous mayfly with dysentery.

It is thought that Nicola is going to present Davie with a shopping list of Scottish demands when he visits Embra the morra. How Davie responds will determine whether there will still be a United Kingdom in a few years time. Some in his party are calling for him to make a definitive offer of full fiscal autonomy to kill off the demands for independence once and for all. But we’ve heard the one about killing Scottish nationalism stone dead before.

Wee Paddington Panda Mundell swore blind just a few days ago that the Smith Commission proposals were all that was on the table, so an increased offer from Cameron will just make him appear mundellirious and confused again, but that’s par for the course with our new Secretary of State for Promotions Above His Paygrade. In the weeks and months to come he’s going to become increasingly bemused.

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The prince over the twatter

Not that anyone believed that the Royals were really politically neutral anyway. The only other institution which has an entire department of the BBC devoted to fawning over it is the Labour party in Scotland. They’re deep in mourning over at Pacific Quay. Following the party’s annihilation at the polls last week, rumour has it that John Boothman is writing letters in spindly black writing to government ministers asking for a state funeral to be presented by Nicholas Witchell.

The letters were all written between 2004 and 2005, when Alistair Darling was Scottish Secretary of State. But the Prince Over the Twatter didn’t write to Alistair, he only wrote on topics he cares about, like Patagonian toothfish, the albatross around his neck, murdering badgers, and homoeopathic medicine. This tells us all we need to know about how much he cares about Scotland, but then he’s not exactly Prince Popular here. Seems like the feeling is mutual. Alistair must have been gutted, because he’s the brown noser’s brown noser, and he positively leaps at the chance to fawn over arch Conservatives, as he proved at the Scottish Tory party conference.

The main thing to come out of these letters however is that they are very like the telly coverage of the Royal wedding or the birth of a Royal sprog. Deeply boring, narrow in focus, and entirely predictable, rather like the man himself. Shame really, because we were promised explosive revelations. The last time that a major hype failed to live up to expectations was Labour’s election campaign. Possibly Jim Murphy’s name was redacted from the Spider Memos. It would explain a lot.

Apart from telling us that we don’t need no stinking badgers, another subject of immense concern to the man who talks to plants was the UK’s sufficiency in vegetables. You’d think he only needed to look at his own courtiers and hangers on the realise there was no real shortage there. As long as we have a Royal family, the UK will never be short of brainless ornamental hardy perennials. We have Jim Murphy for that sort of thing too, although he’s more of a persistent weed which you can’t get rid of even after dousing East Renfrewshire with electoral paraquat.

We won’t get to see any other letters written by Charles, or any other member of the Royal family, to the government. The government changed the law so that any letters from Royals are exempt from the Freedom of Information Act. The Royals have a legal right to lobby government ministers on any legislation which has an impact on their own interests, financial or otherwise. But we’re not allowed to know about it. We just have to pay for it.

Right now there’s a slew of bool moothed nonentities on the telly defending the right of Charles to write to the government in an attempt to get laws changed to suit himself or to tout for jobs for his pals. He’s got just as much right to write to government ministers as anyone else, the bool mooths brown nose. Which must mean that any random punter who writes to a government minister about Nissen huts in Antarctica has an equal right to a detailed personally written and signed reply which covers every point raised in great detail and isn’t just a form letter giving the brush off… Oh, wait.

The bool moothed ones tell us that the letters merely show how informed Charles is and how good it is that he’s expressing concern. Which makes you wonder why successive governments fought toothfish and badger claw to keep them secret. They’re simply the sort of concerns anyone who reads the Daily Telegraph or the Daily Mail might have, said a bool moothed type, answering the previous question. They’re not the sort of concerns that anyone who reads more widely than the right wing press might have. The fact we’re faced with a future head of state whose world view is determined by the contents of the Telegraph and the Mail is something of a worry, and not just if you’re Scottish.

The bool moothed apologists have not noticed the irony that they’re defending the supposed neutrality of British institution which is anything but neutral on the BBC, another British institution which is supposedly neutral but which isn’t. We’re living in Narnia, a land of make believe where story telling passes for news. And that’s precisely why a significant number of us want independence – so we can live in a grown up country.

I want to live in a country where we don’t have to fight long and expensive legal cases in order to discover what a future unelected head of state is lobbying for. I want to live in a country where the public broadcaster reflects the discussions and opinions of the public, it doesn’t seek to form them or channel them in pre-approved directions.

We’re stuck with Prince Charles, at least until independence, but we can do something about our other not so neutral British institution before that. Despite the many shortcomings and the obvious bias of the BBC’s McTernan spider memos, we need a publicly funded broadcaster. The Tories are about to embark on an all out assault on the principle of public funding for the BBC, and that’s why we need to ensure that broadcasting is a devolved matter. Then we can have a public broadcaster that really does reflect the views of the Scottish public, and protect it from the Tories at the same time.

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Chaos theory

A guest post by Samuel Miller (Macart)

‘Chaos theory is a field of study in mathematics, with applications in several disciplines including meteorology, sociology, physics, engineering, economics, biology, and philosophy. Chaos theory studies the behavior of dynamical systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions—a response popularly referred to as the butterfly effect. Small differences in initial conditions (such as those due to rounding errors in numerical computation) yield widely diverging outcomes for such dynamical systems, rendering long-term prediction impossible in general.’ (WIKI) (IFS and OBR TAKE NOTE)

Well folks, we’ve just witnessed one of the most historic votes in the UK’s chequered political history, a vote which has registered on the international media Richter scale and for very good reason. The political map of these islands is telling us a very interesting story indeed today, quite literally a tale of two nations and their preferred choices. Most especially in Scotland’s case the message couldn’t have been made more clear, so seismic was the popular shift.

Apparently though, that message is yet to register in some quarters. In the corridors of power only one word echoes in ministerial offices and conference rooms whenever the ‘Scottish question’ is raised. A word, which is then blasted all across these islands with the aid of a very helpful and deeply concerned meeja… CHAOS. A word they appear awfy fond of using whenever Scotland’s representatives are discussed on telly or in the big daily titles. Not that they’d like to cause a panic or anything you understand, but it does conjure some wonderful imagery.

You can picture it now as 56 SNP MPs take their seats in the Mother of Parliaments (wavy lines for cut scene). Policy wonks, civil servants and spads will be defenestrating from upper floor executive and ministerial cludgies (where they find all their inspiration). Cabinet secretaries will be running through Whitehall screaming in tongues and wearing their underpants on their heads. Ministers will be sitting in darkened rooms, deeply depressed, pondering the fall of empire and considering which offshore account to hide their lobbying profits in. Crushed party leaders have fallen on their metaphorical swords (real ones being sharp, pointy and lethal), whilst booking that one-way ticket to Rio they’ve always promised themselves. The Thames will foam with ruined Bolly and the city will implode as bankers and financial services leave en masse for the continent in a wave of uncertainty (its always the uncertainty). The economy will crash AGAIN and all because the people up there simply don’t understand how our democracy should work.

Didn’t the people in Scotland realise there’s only meant to be two (*) properly sanctioned parties of government? So to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness, best to let the plebs know just what they’re dabbling with before they get carried away with the whole political engagement malarky and usher in ARMAGEDDON (more wavy lines as cut scene ends).

*A third smaller party, (also on message), usually acts as an enabler when the other two fall out over domino night skullduggery in the Westminster bar (see under recent Con-Lib coalition or Lib-Lab pacts various). Predictably this third party has recently suffered somewhat of a setback in the shape of a catastrophic lemming like desire to throw themselves into ill advised partnerships and the added hindrance of an enormous dagger protruding from their back.

Yes, the SNP apparently represents one of those small changes in a previously contained dynamic system. The outcome of introducing this whole democratic engagement/change thingy to such a delicate system as Westminster politics? Utter uncontrollable, unpredictable chaos, complete carnage, that’s what. So get it straight people, voting for who YOU wanted was bad for democracy in the UK today. We know all this mainly because its been stuffed down our necks day in and day out for the past month by any title you care to mention, most broadcast channels with a studio couch to hand and by every shark in a suit cruising the lofty corridors of Westminster with a sound bite to spare. Or is there perhaps a more likely explanation for the current narrative of Scots/SNP bad and progressive parties and concepts leading to chaos? I mean they haven’t exactly been clear on just why SNP input would lead to such an awful future.

Perhaps, just perhaps, some deeply self interested people merely wanted to hang on to what they’ve got and don’t care who they have to crap on in order to do it. That the current anti Scottish, anti SNP hysteria deployed by the Conservative party, but used on an ad hoc basis for some time by all the establishment parties depending on who needs to be frightened today, is simply a dangerous, thoughtless political ploy to retain as much power and influence as possible. All of the establishment parties do so love the smell of fear in the morning, it’s their favourite campaign strategy after all. The difference this time? Well this time there were two significant differences.

Firstly, during this election, the target audience was the English electorate. An electorate constantly bombarded by an increasingly right wing dominated media and their commentariat. Readerships and viewers primed through this saturation to suspect all things poor, radical, progressive, or worse yet… foreign. The hope of course was that such fear of the other would deter people from voting for Labour in any numbers in those key marginals. The method? Set some dog whistle headlines, make up any old thing to fill column space, the more outrageous the better, apply some photoshop liberally and hey presto instant villain created for readerships to other and resent. I mean who needs cogent policies to inform a campaign when you can direct people’s anger toward, and their vote away from, a handy set of scapegoats right?

That Labour singularly failed to combat this obvious and societally corrosive ploy speaks volumes in and of itself. I mean surely Ed would stand up for his concept of ‘One Nation’ UK? Simply put, Labour HQ had no answer, its a narrative they had a hand in creating themselves during the referendum. Labour’s own divisive, bitter, tribalist anti SNP tactics pumped full of steroids and fired right back at them from their erstwhile partners in crime. Ohhhh, can you feel the Karma?

Secondly you had the unintended audience of the Scottish electorate themselves. Right on the back of a hard fought referendum, a now politically clued up and engaged Scottish electorate looked on in horror as the government and establishment, who mere months earlier had begged them to stay, now turns on them like a rattlesnake and drags their democratic choices, their name and their culture through the Westminster sewers in pursuit of that big chair in Downing street. It used to be you could count on the fact that most papers had cross border titles and it was one message for this electorate and another for that electorate, no one being any the wiser. Well not in this digital age its not.

No, today thanks to the wonders of social media, the interwebby, 24hr news coverage and hi tech communication we see what’s being said about us on both sides of the border and doesn’t it make eye watering, not to mention informative and instructive viewing? You can see how party politics, government and the media really work to manipulate perception and influence voting. Its cold, deliberate, callous and utterly self seeking. No one who claims to represent a state body or the people in its care and exercises such a campaign of orchestrated resentment, between two neighbouring cultures in a supposed ‘partnership’, is fit to hold the post of leader. No system of government which exists upon such a structure of manipulation is fit to govern and no media worth its name as representatives of the fourth estate should be caught dead capitulating in the societal division and othering of their own readerships for either material or political gain. Yet here we are with a majority Conservative government no less.

Our governmental system of choice is broken, with countless instances of economic ineptitude, democratic imbalance, corporate compromise, corruption, and calculated manipulation of public perception on display. The mainstream media is both corporately and politically joined at the hip to this system and last year we, as a nation, narrowly chose to give both yet one more chance at making the partnership work. At the moment though, I’m not really feeling the love coming from either Downing Street or the meeja anymore, are you?

So what can our new parliamentary representation do in the meantime? Well they can do what they were invited to do by both Better Together and in particular Prime Minister David Cameron…

“It’s only Great Britain because of the greatness of Scotland, and the thinkers, writers, artists, leaders, soldiers, and inventors who have made this country what it is. So a NO vote means faster, fairer, safer and better change. And this is a vital point: Scotland is not an observer in the affairs of this country. Scotland is shaping and changing the United Kingdom for the better … and will continue to shape the constitution.” (My bold)

http://www.politics.co.uk/comment-analysis/2014/09/15/davidcameron-s-save-the-union-speech-in-full

… they can join in, just not necessarily in the way Mr Cameron would like or expect clearly.

Our representatives can bring a little of their own particular brand of Chaos Theory to Westminster, altering outcomes with the smallest of changes at crucial stages in the creation of legislation. That raft of SNP MPs can use their newfound visibility to introduce people to the concept of the Common Weal, voting in parliament with conscience, with empathy and with care for the electorate’s needs to the fore. But more importantly they can use the committee panels, parliamentary procedure and political weight to effect change within bills and amendments. They can use such leverage to NEGOTIATE on our behalf as any partner should do. Remember, government isn’t just all about the debating chamber and the vote, it’s also about where and how the bills are created.

On the public level, we have demonstrated through our own personal vote that neither the media or big government owns our choices and that being independent of thought isn’t a bad place to be. In fact, as we are all aware, its quite empowering and THAT I believe is what truly scares the bejaysus out of the establishment parties and their media. That their ability to manipulate and direct others should lose its hold, that it may even come to an end if enough people start thinking for themselves. Imagine, people may even decide to change not just how politics should be conducted, but how politics should work for them. Oh, the horror.

Last but by no means least, the SNP representation we have chosen to send down with our democratic mandate CAN and WILL hold all of the establishment parties to account for their referendum pledges and force them one way or another to either back their referendum rhetoric with action or publicly declare them undeliverable. As for what happens should Westminster’s establishment declare those referendum pledges constitutionally (as they see it) undeliverable?

Who knows? Its chaos theory and can be extremely unpredictable, but I’d say even casual observers have a damn good idea.

Skooshing away from the stuffed panda tea party

Davie Cameron has told us that we’re not going to be allowed to have another independence referendum. The wee sowel thinks it’s up to him to decide whether we can or not, bless. We’ll tell you when we’re going to have another indyref Davie son, we don’t need your permission. At a Scottish Parliament election, if Scotland votes for a party with an independence referendum in its manifesto, we’ll have an independence referendum. That’s how this democracy thing works, although you can appreciate that an upper class Etonian Tory might struggle with the concept.

Of course, we’re not going to have another independence referendum for the time being. That would be silly. We had one of those last year, and we lost it. Scotland’s voters know that. We also know that we won’t be having another indyref until we know we’re going to win independence, and the rate at Davie Cameron is getting up the collective nostrils of the Scottish public that could be next week. In fact if Iain Duncan Smith opens his gob before the end of the day, it could very well be tomorrow.

Oh but what about respecting the will of the 55% who voted No, the Unionists cry. Although in the case of the Labour party and the Lib Dems it’s hard to distinguish that crying from the crying they’re doing because they’ve been wiped out.

But that’s the point isn’t it – there will be no second independence referendum until the 55% is no longer a 55%, so there won’t be any 55% majority whose views demand respect. It’s arguable whether there is still a 55% in any case. According to opinion polls the 55% is now more like a 51%, which works out at a loss in Unionist support of 0.5% every month. If that rate of attrition is maintained by the time of the Scottish elections next year 57% of Scotland’s voters will be supporting independence. And that’s without the accelerant factor of a majority Tory government to piss us all off even more.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about the clueless vicious ineptitude of majority Tory governments, they’re world class experts in pissing off people in Scotland. They’ve already done it some more with Cameron’s announcement about no more independence referendums. Cameron has no right to speak for Scotland, he hasn’t noticed that a Mundell isn’t a mandate. A mundell is a small stuffed toy bear, although that’s being terribly cruel to the intellectual capabilities of sawdust filled pandas, which are actually capable of attending a dolls’ tea party without adult supervision.

The sawdust filled panda is the new Secretary of State for Scotland, taking over from the sawdust filled koalamichael. And all of Scotland went “Ooooh that’s a surprise,” in a heavily sarcastic tone. This is the panda that said just a wee while back that the post of Secretary of State was “above his pay grade”. Asking Scotland if it wants to make that a supersized meal is above the stuffed panda’s pay grade. But it’s not like Davie Cameron was terribly spoiled for choice.

Meanwhile the funerals are in full swing over at Labour towers. Perhaps I should stop slagging off the Labour party in Scotland, because it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead, but Jim Murphy is still infesting the corpse. Just thought I’d put that out there, because Labour still isn’t putting Jim out. We need as many strong anti-Tory voices as we can get right now Labour party in Scotland – and you lot aren’t helping. Get your collective finger out of your collective arse, and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Try and remember that the reason we all hate you is because you are a bunch of useless self serving wastes of space, and continuing to be a bunch of useless self serving wastes of space isn’t helping your case any.

Labour can start by getting rid of Jim, and then maybe, just maybe, they can start doing what they were supposed to be doing in the first place – being a voice for the people of Scotland. It should be too difficult, because SLab has only got one voice now, that would be Ian Murray the Shadow Secretary of State for Union Jackets. Labour isn’t terribly spoiled for choice either.

But Labour won’t be escaping popular ire any time soon. The party south of the border seems to have decided that it lost the election because it wasn’t blairite enough. Because what we really need in order to achieve social justice and equality is a party that’s in favour of Iraqi wars, sooking up to Kazakhstani dictators and being indistinguishable from the Tories. Now we’ve got the arch blairite Chuka Umunna making a pitch for the leadership, and rumours that the other Miliband will return from his self imposed exile. The prince over the watter who will lead the party to another Scottish defeat because he’ll speak down at us and not for us, not from amongst us.

And it’s this rapidly diminishing set of choices that is driving the 55% on its ever downwards spiral and leading to the inevitable end of an unloved union. Scotland has become the colour blind person with discerning taste buds in the UK’s political skoosh shop. Colour blind people can’t tell the difference between orange coloured orange skoosh and green coloured lemon skoosh, both are thickly cloying and kill the sensitive tongue, the only difference is the chemical colourant. The Unionist media complains that with the rise of the SNP that Scotland is turning into a one party state, but the truth is that the UK became a one party state a long time ago, and the punters are offered a choice that’s a non choice between austerity loving neo-liberals who are distinguished only by their chemical additives. The flavour remains the same, and both of them equally rot your teeth and are bad for your health as they fill the cups in the dolly tea set at the stuffed panda party.

It’s hardly surprising that Scotland is skooshing away after a different flavour of politics.

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The Govefish and the Baurheid doo

It’s Sunday, and Jim Murphy still hasn’t resigned. The half of Scotland who voted SNP on Thursday wants Jim to remain in post. Jim lost over 97% of Labour’s MPs, he could still repeat the trick with their MSPs next year. You’d think the Labour party in Scotland would have got rid of him by now, being tipped off by the fact that SNP supporters are so keen for Jim to stay, but Strathclyde Uni’s least successful student is still Labour’s Scottish branch manager even though one unnamed MSP told the Sunday Herald that Jim is as popular as herpes.

There is no cure for herpes, and it seems there is no cure for Jim either. There’s nothing in the rules of the Labour party that gives the other members the right to evict him. Labour’s increasingly desperate MSPs and cooncillors must rely on Jim’s grace and statesmanlike sense of personal responsibility to fall on his sword and resign for leading the party into its worst result since 1918. Now there’s a laugh. Jim Murphy and statesmanlike are two concepts that only ever appear in the same sentence if there’s a negative in there somewhere – like that negative there.

Jim Murphy’s like the office manager in the Full Monty who was too afraid to tell his wife he’d been made redundant, so he got up every day, put on a suit and took his sandwiches to a park bench where he managed the doos. As I type this, Jim is sitting on a park bench in Baurheid, telling the doos about his plans for a Labour recovery. I can still be First Minister you know, he told a particularly scabrous and vicious doo he mistook for John McTernan after it crapped on his head.

While all this is going on, Jim’s bosses dahn sarf are concluding that Labour’s problem was that it was trying to be too cuddly and compassionate and in fact if the party wants to be reelected they really need to be more Tory. Which means in turn that they’ve pretty much abandoned Scotland. The only hope for Labour in Scotland now is for them to secede from UK Labour and become a properly Scottish party. There’s a delicious irony, Labour in Scotland fought for a No result in the referendum and will end up having to declare its own independence because of it.

But Scotland has more serious problems than the light comedy relief of Jim’s and the Labour party’s self inflicted predicament. We’re faced with a right wing Tory government far more vicious than any Baurheid doo, and it’s going to crap on the heads of the poor and the vulnerable from a great height. Moreover this Tory government got into power in part by demonising Scotland as well as the usual suspects – the poor, the EU, and migrants.

Speaking on a personal level, as a gay man I was demonised by the Tory party in the 1980s during the Thatcher era, so am thrilled that as a Scot living in an era when gay rights are accepted as the norm that I’ve still got some of that demonic mojo going for me. Because let’s be honest here, if you scare the shiters out of the Tories, you must be doing something right. And now I’ve got all 5 million of you for company.

The Tory attack on civil liberties has already started. Theresa May remains as Home Secretary. She’s the woman who said that Scotland voting SNP would provoke the greatest crisis since the abdication and instead provoked the greatest outbreak of ridicule in the history of Twitter. She has introduced plans for a snoopers charter, allowing the security services access to emails and social media information. Nicky Morgan, who voted against gay marriage, is Equalities Minister. They keep telling us that irony is supposed to be a British virtue, but the Tories show no sign of comprehending it.

Meanwhile Michael Gove, half man half goldfish, has been appointed as the new Secretary of State for Justice. Gove had to flee from his native Aberdeen to Safetoryseatshire in England on account of the fact that even the Tory party in Scotland thought he was unelectable and was polluting the water of their goldfish bowl. Although to be fair, they’re pretty unelectable themselves. Despite the Action Krankie supposedly having a great election campaign, she saw a drop in the Tory vote to a mere 14.9%. So not that great a campaign. More tanks and soleros next time then Ruth.

The Govefish is a man who argued that abolishing hanging was a bad idea, criticised the investigation into police failings during the Stephen Lawrence murder investigation, and didn’t want an enquiry into Westminster paedophiles. Now he’s charged with abolishing the Human Rights Act and replacing it with some hauf-airsed “British Bill of Rights”, which you can be sure will take rights away from you and give them to your boss and to the state. Thankfully Michael Gove won’t be responsible for justice in Scotland, he will just be responsible for injustice throughout the UK.

The Scottish Government is obliged to comply with European Human Rights law, and human rights are devolved. According to legal blogger Lallands Peat Worrier, the Human Rights Act itself isn’t enshrined in the Scotland Act, but there are numerous legal strands connecting Scottish devolution with human rights legislation. Even with the active cooperation of the Scottish Government the Tories would find it neither easy nor straightforward to disentangle them, but there will be no cooperation, Cameron’s new British rights for British mince will run into the implacable opposition of a Scottish Parliament which will not roll over and allow the Tories to run roughshod over Scots law and an SNP which now has representation on every Commons committee. A legal mess is looming.

This is how the UK will end, amidst confusion and legal disputes as the Tories discover that the irresistible force of Westminster parliamentary sovereignty runs into the immovable object of Scottish popular sovereignty. Westminster says that parliament is sovereign and it can do as it pleases, meanwhile Scotland says that the people are sovereign and Westminster can bugger off. It’s going to be a rocky ride and we’re in for a whole lot more crap than can be produced by even the most scabrous Baurheid doo.

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Oh what a night

Well that was some night. So you know how we’re supposed to be gracious and generous in victory? How we should be mature adults, be bigger people than the small minded pursed lippy types of Labour? Well fuck that. Hahahahahahahahahaha… and breathe… hahahahahaha. Get it right up yese ya pandaficated basterts.

Phew, now I’ve got that off my chest I’d like to apologise to people in the east of Glasgow and North Lanarkshire for the sonic boom which rattled your windows at about 3.30 am. That was me and the dug cheering when Magrit Curran lost her seat. In the end the Cuban cigar with which I had intended to celebrate Natalie McGarry’s amazing victory was not a success. I had one puff, and felt dizzy, light headed, and very nauseous. Which was probably pretty much how Magrit was feeling at that moment too. She was being turned to ash as well. So I dumped it in the bin and it’s now en route to the dump along with Magrit’s career. Neither will be missed.

Magrit didn’t just lose, she was Fukushima’d – there was a tsunami, a melt down and then she got pumped. I hope she got some boxes of Kleenex on expenses before she lost her seat, she’s going to need them. Natalie McGarry obtained 57% of all the votes cast and won a majority of 10,000. Magrit’s career is now as dead as Labour’s socialism.

I honestly thought Jim Murphy would hold on to his seat, I thought that the Tories in the Mearns would have been quite comfortable voting for a capitalist warmongerer who loves privatisation and student fees. But he was too right wing even for them.

Despite losing his seat to a Kirsten Oswald who skooshed to victory with more grace than a chancer on an Irn Bru crate could ever muster, Jim Murphy is still clinging on to the job of Labour branch office manager like a tapeworm in the party’s colon. Taking responsibility is only for people who are below Jim’s pay grade. It’s going to take more than utter obliteration to evict Jim. You know how thon advert for bleach says it kills 99% of all germs dead, well Jim is the 1%, and it’s the 1% that he represents politically too.

Jim is like one of those wee mutant beasties that survive even a nuclear war of an electoral wipe-out. His survival is down to sheer pig headed refusal to accept reality which is due to the fact that Jim has spent his career living in a self-generated media bubble telling him how invaluable he is. He’s never had a job in his entire life and it’s unreasonable of us to expect him to get one now, although you’d think he’d be happy that he’s now got time to finish that degree course. Although it’s cruel of me to say that, as now he’s lost his job and his expense account he can’t afford the student fees.

Labour is too shell shocked by the magnitude of their defeat to consider challenging Jim – for now. They’re too deep in shock to face up to the truth that they have a branch office manager who managed to lose 97% of their Westminster seats. That’s failure on a truly epic scale. But even if they did decide to challenge him, who have they got? Kezia Dugdale? After a defeat like this Labour in Scotland needs to think very seriously about whether they have a future as a part of British Labour. Labour in Scotland needs to grow up and become a Scottish party.

Scotland now has more Trident subs than pro-Trident MPs. Even the sole remaining Labour MP owes a large part of his survival to his open opposition to Trident renewal. He owes an even greater part to the campaign of vilification and lies undertaken by the Scottish media against his opponent. But it can’t be argued that Ian Murray was definitely on the left of the Labour party. The SNP is unquestionably to the left of the Labour party. So is Labour still going to claim that Scotland isn’t really a more left wing country than England? Probably.

Labour blames the SNP for its defeat. The Unionist parties went around screaming to anyone who would listen – which would be the BBC and Fleet Street – that the SNP would eat your babies. Labour smiled indulgently on the antics of Ian Smart when he called the SNP fascists and supporters of the Nazis. Labour looked upon a mildly left of centre social democratic party and it saw a scary monster. Then they blamed the SNP because voters in England were afraid of the imaginary monster that Labour had invented.

The Tories have already begun to speak openly of things they didn’t dare mention when they didn’t expect to get an absolute majority. The Telegraph has already called for the NHS to be funded by a private insurance system, Theresa May has already announced plans for a snooper’s charter. We’re facing billions of pounds in cuts to benefits for the poor, the disabled and the vulnerable. The only boom we’ll see is in the number of food banks.

Cameron says he’s going to govern as if the UK were one nation. Which basically means he’s going to ignore Scotland and pretend that we don’t exist. No matter how bad you feel that we’ve got another five years of Tory rule ahead of us, just think how much worse you’d be feeling if we’d voted Labour and were faced with fifty expenses claimants who’d put party before country. But instead we’ve got 56 SNP MPs, the Scottish unicorn has stuck its horn right up the arse of the British establishment. They’re not sitting comfortably. They will not be able to ignore us ever again.

The task of the 56 SNP MPs will be to twist the unicorn’s horn ever deeper into the flesh of the British establishment. Their job is to remind us that there is another way. There is another vision. We must grasp the thistle of the future and have confidence in ourselves. With last night’s result, Scotland’s independence just got closer.

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The Schadenfreude live blog

4.10am

Anas Sarwar has lost his faither’s seat. Daddy won’t be happy. Hopefully this means we won’t ever have to see his shouty snide wee face again. And Alicsammin has won in Gordon. He’s going to be a thorn in the flesh of Westminster for quite some time to come. What was that you were saying about his downfall Alan Cockring? Hmm?

Right, I’ve lost count now. I think the score is SNP 45, rest of the world 1. South of the border it’s looking really crap though. And with that I’m going to wrap up this live blog and get to bed. There’s been schadenfreude aplenty.

4.03am

Glasgow North West – another fantastic win for the SNP.

3.58am

Oh well, we can’t get it entirely our own way. The Koalamichael may well be the only non-SNP MP left in Scotland. Huge swing to the SNP though, who came top of the poll in Shetland. Carmichael hung on due to his support in Orkney.

3.55am

I’m running out of superlatives here. Tom Harris loses Glasgow South by a huge margin.

3.42am

Phil Boswell managed a 36% swing in Coatbridge. That’s utterly gobsmacking.

3.42am

The SNP have taken Coatbridge and Glasgow North East. No, you’re not dreaming. This is a real thing. Anne McLaughlin really is the Sherpa Tenzin of Scottish politics – she conquered that mountain. Gaun yersel Anne!

3.40am

OK so the Cuban cigar was a mistake. I took one puff, got a huge baccy buzz, and felt really nauseous. So that was it. I think I’ve woken up the neighbours downstairs. And the dug is looking at me like I’m a madman, and to be fair he’s got good reason.

Ian Davidson is sad that he has let down the Labour party. He’s not sad that his party has let Scotland down. Says it all really.

3.35am

And Ian Davidson falls on his bayonet. I’m still dancing and leaping about the room from Natalie’s victory. Cannae take anything in now. This is FUCKING MAGIC!

3.25am

Happy dance happy dance happy dance!

Magrit’s toast! Natalie has gubbed her. Almost twice as many votes for Natalie as Magrit received. An incredible result, and I am so proud of Natalie and all the great work her team has put in.

3.13am

Glasgow results up next.

3.10am

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS!

The Coyote has landed! Murphy loses East Renfrewshire!

Jim is smiling with his mooth and not his eyes.

3.03am

Jim Murphy’s just made a brief appearance at his count. He’s looking pretty shaken, a broken and lost man. Does that mean I feel sympathy for him? Do I buggery.

2.55am

We are now deep into Oh My God territory. The SNP is making the sort of gains that we secretly dreamed of but didn’t dare say out loud in case people thought we were nutjobs.

2.52am

Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath goes SNP with a swing of 38%.

2.50am

SNP take Jo Swinson’s seat in East Dunbartonshire. Midlothian goes SNP too.

Not looking good for Labour in England. Seems we’re in for five more years of braying Tories and are staring at an EU referendum. Tonight is the night that the UK died. Scotland is another country now.

2.43am

SNP now have 12 seats – officially their best result ever. Stuart Hosie gets a majority of over 20,000.

Glasgow seats due to declare within the next half hour.

2.37am

East Kilbride goes to the SNP who take over 55% of the vote. The swingometer is knackered.

2.34am

They’re coming in thick and fast now. The SNP have taken Falkirk, Ochil and Perthshire, West Dumbartonshire and Glenrothes. And they’re not just taking the seats, they are crushing the other parties. The swings are stupendous.

Jibberjabber the Hutt got nowhere for UKIP in Falkirk. Ha Ha. That UKIP surge in England got nowhere in Scotland.

2.30am

SNP takes Dundee West from Labour by a huge margin.

SNP 27634
Labour 10592
Con 3852
Lib Dem 1057
Others 1529

2.23am

Paisley declares. And Wee Dougie’s gubbed. Ha! Congratulations Mhairi! A 20 year old student achieved a 27% swing. What a result!

SNP 23,548 50.9%
Lab 17,864 38.6%
Con 3,526 7.6%
Lib Dem 1010 2.2%
SSP 278 0.4%

2.15am

And it begins, Kilmarnock & Loudon declares for the SNP with a swing of 26%. Bye bye Cathie Jamieson.

SNP Alan Brown 30,000 55.7%
Lab 16362 30.2%
Con 6752
Lib Dem 789 – lost deposit

The SNP have also held on to the Western Isles with a swing of just 6%.

2.08am

So that SNPout campaign worked really well didn’t it?

Half the ballots have been counted in East Renfrewshire – 42% for SNP, Jim Murphy 34%. Get ready Scotland, the Dug is about to do his happy dance.

1.54am

Reports that the SNP have defeated Alistair Koalamichael in Shetland by 42% to 38%, so it’s all down to the Orkney count. Darius Skene, the SNP candidate, is a Shetlander so perhaps enjoys home advantage there.

1.50am

Paisley result coming up. Wee Dougie not looking very skanktimonious. Brace yersels – the Portillo Fairy is landing!

Magrit arrives at the count looking shell shocked.

1.45am

STV is reporting that Labour has conceded defeat in all seven Glasgow seats. Even Wee Wullie Bain hasn’t managed to hang on. No more Anas Sarwar, Ian Davidson has fallen on his bayonet. And there are also reports that the Murph hasn’t just lost, he’s lost badly. The Coyote has fallen off the canyon edge and won’t be getting back up.

1.35am

Rumours that Labour might have clung on in Edinburgh South. Could be the only Labour seat left in the country. Labour have been well and truly pandafied.

The SNP looks like it’s going to sweep the board in Aberdeen. Alicsammin is on his way to Westminster.

Meanwhile STV is saying that George Galloway has got into a spot of bother by releasing an exit poll while the vote was going on, which is a major no no in electoral law.

1.25am

These are the worst results for Labour in Scotland since the party was founded. There is a very real prospect now that Labour will not have a single MP left anywhere in Scotland. Not one. Labour say it’s the SNP’s fault. It’s the voters’ fault. They’re still in shock and can’t face up to the obvious – maybe it’s just that Labour are shite?

We always knew that it was Labour’s Westminster contingent which was the blockage in the U-bend of Labour support for extra powers for the Scottish Parliament, and now that blockage has been flushed away down the sewage pipe. So will Labour rethink its position on Scotland? Or will they continue to blame everyone and everything for their own misfortunes? Judging from the commentary on the telly tonight, it looks like Labour won’t change. So it was just as well we pulled the chain on them.

1.15am

It’s looking like a near total rout in Scotland, better than anyone could have dared hoped for. The SNP look to have swept the board in Glasgow and Lanarkshire, they’ve destroyed Labour in Ayrshire. It’s jaw dropping. Michael McCann the (former) Labour MP for East Kilbride has already deleted his Twitter account. He’s just going to crawl away and hide under a rock.

It’s looking equally good in Fife. The SNP seems to have taken Kirkcaldy and is well ahead elsewhere. Meanwhile there’s bawling in Bathgate and greetin in Glenrothes.

South of the border it seems that George Galloway has lost in Bradford, and Nigel Farage hasn’t won in Thanet. So that’s two bits of good news.

12.57am

The SNP look set to take every seat in North Lanarkshire. Coatbridge goes SNP. Coatbridge. Coat. Bridge. Mwuahahahaha.

Am feeling a bit queasy because I’ve overdosed on the Doritos and sour cream.

12.50am

I’m hearing from my super secret SNP sources that they’ve skooshed it in Glasgow East. Magrit is not just toast, she’s stale toast that’s been fed to the birds. Am doing a happy dance right now, which is making it very difficult to type.

12.25am

Right, I need to walk the dog and then when I get back will put the kettle on and make some toast. Can senior Labour and Lib Dem figures please not break down in tears until I get back, thanks very much.

12.18am

Speaking on STV, Tom Harris acknowledges defeat in Glasgow South, there has been an immense swing against Labour. But he thinks that Labour won on policies. The problem, said Tom, was that people were just not listening to Labour. So it’s the fault of the voters that Labour lost. It’s not Labour’s fault. Got that? Voters bad. Bad bad voters. You’re all very naughty and should hang your heads in shame. Labour wants a new set of voters.

12.11am

A “senior Labour source” has told Magnus Gardham of the Herald that Murphy is “in serious trouble”. Oh please. Please please please.

12.08am

Reports are starting to come in that Rutherglen is going SNP quite strongly. The SNP say that Glasgow East is “scarily good”. Glasgow North West is also looking strong for the SNP.

Magrit better have claimed a box of Kleenex on her expenses.

12.05pm

Reports on Twitter that Magrit Curran was seen greetin after sample counts. I’m going to get out my Havana cigar. Now where’s that ashtray…

11.57pm

Reports that senior Lib Dems are already conceding that Danny Alexander has lost. Hahahahaha. Good. Meanwhile UKIP’s Jibberjabber the Hutt in Falkirk is claiming that there’s significant tactical voting to keep the SNP out. Doesn’t look like it’s doing much good does it.

There are also rumours that George Galloway is in trouble in Bradford West. Which is gorgeous.

11.50pm

Ed Balls is saying that if the Tories have won he will never forgive the SNP. Because in Ed’s universe it’s the SNP’s fault that Labour can’t win in England. This is Labour in a nutshell, or indeed a bawbag, it’s never their fault it’s always the fault of someone else. And that someone else is invariably the SNP.

Meanwhile the Press Association is reporting that the SNP have 60% of the votes counted so far in Falkirk. That’s a nutting that even Eric Joyce couldn’t compete with. There are also reports that the SNP is well ahead in the early count in Paisley.

11.35pm

Jackie Baillie has been on the BBC saying that if the exit polls are correct it’s a message and Labour needs to listen and learn. Labour have said this sort of thing before, which is why they’re about to listen to the word pandafication. But there won’t be enough of them left to learn what it means, or indeed to learn anything at all. Sometimes it’s not listening and learning which is needed. It’s extinction.

We’ve had a third result from the North East of England, from Washington. This time it’s Obama’s turn to be humiliated and not to get a single vote. Labour have an increased majority, UKIP have beaten the Tories into second place, and the Greens have more votes than the Lib Dems who have lost their deposit.

I don’t want to live in the UK any more. It’s less and less a country whose politics hold anything for me. A country where people think UKIP is a good party to vote for is not a country I want to live in. Can we have another indyref please?

11.23pm

Second result of the night and it’s a disaster for Alicsammin with not a single person in Sunderland Central voting SNP. That’ll teach ’em. Jockalypse my arse eh.

It looks like UKIP is making strong inroads into Labour’s traditional heartlands in the north of England, while the Lib Dems have collapsed into irrelevance. Although they were pretty irrelevant to begin with. Look at these results – they’re the politics of a very different country.

LAB – 20959 50.4% (+4.5)
CON – 9780 23.5% (-6.5)
UKIP – 7997 19.2% (+16.7)
GRN – 1706 4.1% (+4.1)
LDEM – 1105 2.7% (-14.3)
Independent 215

11.05pm

There are rumours being reported by the BBC that Ed Balls might have lost his seat. He’s defending a majority of just over 1000. If it’s true that Labour has lost its Balls it’s likely to be a disastrous night for the party.

11pm

The first result of the night is through in Houghton & Sunderland. It’s a safe Labour seat – they still have those in England – so it’s no surprise that Labour has held on. UKIP has pushed the Tories into third place, while the Lib Dems have been humiliated and reduced to well under 1000 votes.

The results are as follows

LAB 21,218 55.1% (+4.8)
UKIP 9,280 21.5% (+18.8)
CON 7,105 18.5% (-3.0)
GRN 1095 2.8% (+2.8)
LDEM 791 2.1% (-11.9)

The SNP got no votes at all, so it’s a humiliation for Alicsammin, according to the Daily Fail.

Some reports on Twitter that the YouGov poll isn’t an exit poll but a final poll. The Scot Goes Pop polling blog describes it as an on the day poll, so it seems it’s not an exit poll after all.

10.45pm

This is the boring bit. We’ve had the ooooh of the exit polls but it will be a couple of hours yet before we get any Scottish results.

The first UK result will be from Sunderland, which is due very soon, but since that’s in England and the SNP isn’t standing there, it’s not going to tell us much about the progress of the Jockalypse. However it might give us an idea of how well Labour is doing relative to the Tories in the rest of the UK.

10.25pm

YouGov have also published an exit poll, with very different results.
CON – 284 LAB – 263 SNP – 48 LDEM – 31 UKIP – 2 GRN – 1

This would give a totally different outcome. Labour and the Lib Dems could form a minority government with the support of the SNP. I’m kind of hoping that the first exit poll is correct for the SNP seats and the YouGov poll is correct for the Labour ones.

10.15pm

Right, here we go. Have you got your munchies? I’m sitting here with Doritos and sour cream dip. We’re waiting for the Portillo Fairy to wave its sparkly wand and deposit a lovely big dose of schadenfreude so we can have a wee gloat at the misfortunes of the Labour party and the Lib Dems. I’ll be updating this blog periodically throughout the night until either all the Unionists have lost their seats, or I crash out, whichever comes first.

The polls have just closed and an exit poll has been published saying that the SNP are set to take 58 seats in Scotland. Sadly it looks as though the Tories are going to be the largest party in the UK, with a projected 316 seats. The Lib Dems are facing near meltdown with just 10 seats, so the Tories would be able to form a government with the decimated rump of the Lib Dems. Labour is forecast to take just 239 seats, not enough to put Ed into Downing St. Even if every single seat had gone Labour, according to this exit poll, it still wouldn’t have saved Scotland from the Tories. So much for Jim’s election strategy.

58 seats for the SNP. Oh. My. God. Who’s the last Unionist standing? The Koalamichael?

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Making a vow

Well here we are. It’s been a long slog, but at last the Jockalypse day of judgement has arrived and we get to send the Unionist parties a message that they can’t miss. This time the message needs to be the last post.

Politicians are always waffling on about messages, but the best message to give them is a kick in the nads and to separate them from their cushy careers and their expense accounts. Get them where it hurts. If each of us had a penny for every time that a Labour careerist had told us their party was listening and changing there would be nae bloody national deficit and we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now.

We’ve heard it all before. Scotland keeps sending messages to the Labour party. 2007, 2011, and every time it was the same. Labour was listening. Magrit Curran would write a report that never saw the light of day. The party would have a period of reflection. The problem is that the Labour party thinks a period of reflection means looking at themselves in a mirror and telling themselves they’ve still got it, that they’re still sexy, like a middle aged man holding in his beer belly and carefully combing his hair to cover up the bald spot.

Then Labour decided that the solution to the problem was to give us more of the problem, and elected Jim Murphy as leader. Presumably on the principle that if you’re in a hole what you really need isn’t a ladder it’s a JCB. Jim, a man who thinks integrity is a description of stone chipping. Shonky fly by night cowboys who turn up on your doorstep offering to relay your driveway have more integrity than Jim. If he does manage to save his own seat, he’ll do so on the back of Tory votes. Tories feel comfortable with Jim. That tells us all we need to know about Jim and his approach to politics.

Thursday is the day when we get to tell the Labour that they’re not god’s gift to political gorgeousness. They’re clapped out moronic rip off merchants, long past their sell by date, a mugging dressed as bams. Sexysocialism is to be found elsewhere. Labour is not a party its founders would recognise however much it tries to claim the mantle of Scottish radicalism. Labour betrayed that heritage and turned its back on it, turned its back on the communities that gave birth to it. It’s trading on a false prospectus, offering to relay our driveway.

Labour needs to go. It acts as a barrier to progress, a blockage in the way of Scottish self government, because when faced with a choice between what Scotland wants and what’s good for the Labour party, Labour always chooses the second. Always. It’s the only principle they’ve got. Labour thinks it is the people’s party and so whatever it says or does is for the people. But the people have walked away. The people no longer want to know. Labour is left squawking alone like an unwashed bampot with a shopping trolley shouting abuse at a phone box, an embarrassment that we quickly walk by without eye contact.

The clock is also ticking on the Lib Dems, the Tory enablers, the draculettes. Many of those who voted for them last time did so in order to keep the Tories out – and look what the party did next. Going back on their promise to resist student fees was a minor betrayal by comparison. Danny Alexander acceded to the post of George Osborne’s little minion with an unseemly pleasure, more Tory than the Tories themselves.

The clock was also supposed to be ticking on the report into the Frenchgate leak – remember we were supposed to get the results of that before the election? That’s an alarm that has remained strangely silent. Funny that. It may yet save Alistair Carmichael’s koala arse.

This is the election where the main Westminster parties have done their utmost to keep the punters out of politics. We’ve seen one carefully staged press event after another. We’ve had the farce of a so-called people’s party holding meetings and not inviting the people. All of them, Labour, the Tories and the Lib Dems, all of them tell us with their carefully staged press events that we are not invited to the party. Vote for us, they say, and you can stand on the outside with your nose pressed against the window. Vote to be excluded. Vote to be shut out. Vote to be held at arm’s length.

Why should we trust a political party with our futures when it won’t even trust us to be in the same room as its representatives? Why are they surprised that we are turning en masse to the only main party which actually welcomes the company of ordinary people? The contrast between Labour and the SNP has been striking. One goes out into the streets and meets the people, the other hides behind closed doors and relies on its friends in the press.

On voting day Scotland has its second date with destiny within the space of a year. This time it’s personal. This time we have the opportunity to show the Westminster parties that when they promised real change in the final days of the referendum campaign, a No vote did not mean they could return to short-changing us. They forgot that they are supposed to do as we say, and in their power and arrogance came to believe that we should do as they tell us. They are not the power in this land – that would be us, those of us who don’t get invited to the carefully orchestrated press events. It would be those of us who Magrit Curran didn’t speak to when she wrote one of her Labour party reports.

Let’s make a vow of our own. Let’s vow that henceforth we will not be taken for granted. Let’s vow to eject those who have let us down. Let’s vow to teach Labour what pandafication means. Let’s vow to make Scotland’s voice heard loud in the corridors of power. Let’s vow to be the power in this land.

A wee note: There are very strict laws about what can be published while the polls are open. From the time that polls open until they close at 10pm it is illegal to publish any exit poll or anything that can be construed as an exit poll. I will keep comments open during the day tomorrow, but please do not publish any informal exit polls from your area or say how the vote is going where you live. You can go that after 10pm. Thank you for your understanding.

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