A parp in a bin and clapping chagrin

Fluffy Mundell, the original Scottish political panda, was proving as evasive as the fluffy black and white variety on Wednesday as he avoided giving a straight answer to a simple question. His attempts to avoid the question were clear to anyone who listened, because Fluffy is not exactly as sharp as a pin, he’s more a parp in a bin. Paddington Mundell thinks sleight of hand means waving a roof tile, so he’s having very little success in deflecting awkward questions about his role in the infamous memo leak. He’s standing on the roof and looking like a target.

So far Fluffy has managed to avoid questions by being invisible, but he couldn’t avoid the cameras on the day of the Queens Speech, what with him being the only government MP in all of Scotland. It’s a lonely job at the Scotland Office when all he’s got are his teddy bears for company. Asked whether he knew anything about the infamous memo leaking, Bumfluffy replied that the enquiry said it was all down to Aliestair. He didn’t say “No, I knew nothing about it”, which is what you might expect a person who knew nothing about it to say.

Ali and Fluff have been playing Scotland Office tag team for the past five years, and it’s not like it’s an enormous office with thousands of staff and a hugely demanding work load. By all accounts the pair sat opposite one another in the same office. What Ali knew, Fluffy would have known too – unless he was taking the bin out at the time. But Fluffy stuck to his repetitious line that the enquiry had only found Aliestair to be at fault, which was a bit like Ronnie Kray saying that the courts had only found Reggie guilty. Fluffy shifted uncomfortably and the Scotland Office bin lid visibly lifted as the faint whiff off lie-fart was released.

Scotland is famously or infamously the land where I kent his faither, the traditional way of saying that in Scotland we don’t have six degrees of separation, it’s more like one or two. I don’t ken Aliestair Carmichael’s faither, but I know someone who did, someone who has known Aliestair since he was a wee stuffed teddy. This friend says that they were shocked by the leak and smear and Aliestair’s role in it, because it’s so out of character for him. I believe my friend.

My friend also said that they couldn’t understand why Aliestair had done it, since he didn’t stand to gain personally from it. And this is true – out of all the Lib Dem MPs in the UK, it was widely believed by one and all that if the Lib Dems would cling on anywhere, it would be in Orkney and Shetland. Despite an SNP tsunami that was even greater than the SNP had hoped or the Lib Dems and Labour had feared, Aliestair did indeed cling on to his seat. He could have avoided any smearing and underhand behaviour, and he’d currently be a respected figure, the noble survivor like the last of the Mohicans. Instead he’s hounded and hiding and his career may not survive.

So why did he do it? Did someone put him up to it, and what was he promised for doing it? Did he really put his career on the line in order to save Danny Alexander and Jo Swinson’s skin without there being anything in it for him? The enquiry restricted itself to identifying the source of the leak, and our mainstream media shows no great appetite for getting to the bottom of these questions so it’s unlikely we will ever know. We only know that the guy who looks like the creepy janitor did it, but we’ll never know who put him up to it. It’s not a very satisfying conclusion to a cartoon, even if we do manage to get him to stand down. Where’s Scooby Doo and Mystery Inc. when you need them?

The UK media is occupied with far weightier issues than trying to find out who tried to pauchle a democratic election and piss off the French. The SNP clapped in the House of Commons, and the massed ranks of Daily Mailesque commentaries are showing their chagrin. Clapping is unparliamentary behaviour and only goes to show that Scottish people can’t be trusted off a Unionist leash. Next thing you know they’ll be being stereotypical on Dennis Skinner’s bench. You can lie, you can smear, you can abuse public office for party gain, you can cause a diplomatic incident, you can pauchle your expenses, you can cover up the activities of well connected paedophiles, you can cheat, you can start an illegal war that causes the deaths of hundreds of thousands. Just don’t clap, because that’s beyond the pale.

In the House of Commons the approved means of showing approval is to bray like a public schooldonkey by uttering a strangulated heeyah heeyah. The House of Commons likes strangulated because that’s how they treat dissent. But there are no laws which say that upon being elected to the House of Commons you have to forget the social norms of the people who elected you and start acting like you’re a privately educated person from Rightupyerainarseshire. It’s merely a social convention, and the really interesting thing about a social convention is that if you break it often enough and persistently enough, then the social convention gets quietly rewritten.

So the SNP should continue to clap when they want to show approval. They should continue to act like normal people, like the people who elected them. Then they will rewrite the social conventions of Westminster so that they represent the people who put those MPs there instead of those MPs becoming bent out of shape by the norms of Westminster. I want an MP who will force Westminster to be representative of the people, not an MP who becomes representative of Westminster. I want an MP who knows that it’s OK to clap, it’s not OK to lie, cheat, smear, pauchle expenses or start illegal wars.

I know which is more offensive, and it sure as hell isn’t clapping.

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39 comments on “A parp in a bin and clapping chagrin

  1. daibhidhdeux says:

    Stinks of a fit up and hubris (latter Carmichael’s, former WM elites via Unionist bagman, Fluffy Mundell – what did Rennie, Murphy, and Dugdale know?).

    • Saor Alba says:

      They were so fast out of the blocks it is really nonsensical to believe that they didn’t know anything. Disgusting and wretched creatures. Their behaviour is quite offensive.

  2. daibhidhdeux says:

    Apologies for OT, but has “Spitting a Image” been resurrected?

    Just curious as watching BEEB Queen’s Speech drivel of coverage, and Phil the Greek and his Saxe-Coburg-Gotha bidie-in look like full-scale puppets of the above ilk (as do the whole cast of Unionist yakuza ejected at the last (?) Brit GE and yon 3 hingin’ on – one, at least, potentially via jiggery-pokery; Murray and Mundell, narrowly and dubiously).


  3. […] A parp in a bin and clapping chagrin […]

  4. punklin says:

    Like every piece you write, this is the best yet, imho…

    Rightupyerainarseshire – brilliant.

    Thank you.

  5. Janis says:

    I watched the charade of the queens speech, it’s sickening to think of the the inequality and nonsense of the whole pantomime. I thoroughly enjoyed the clapping. I’m with you on this one, all our SNP mp’s should continue to be real people representing real people. Great read as usual. Thanks.

  6. diabloandco says:

    See that reprimand for clapping ? It didn’t half irritate me – the Hooray Henrys and their deafening din like babbling baboons is OK but polite applause is regarded as offensive?

    As always you have put it in perspective for me and made me laugh at something which has enraged me – pretty clever Paul!

  7. macart763 says:

    He did have the look of a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming artic. in that interview. Either that or his pants were riding up a bit.

    Nailed it again Paul.

  8. Christ when would we ever see such a brilliant article in a MSM paper?! No wonder MSM papers’ sales are in a fatal freefall.

    • Sue de Nymme says:

      Some papers may be in freefall but, with wonderful Scottish pragmatism, the National was created by the Herald and Times Group thereby creating a safety net.

  9. Born Optimist says:

    Clap. Clap. Clap. Keep on clapping. As the Dug says conventions change and by God, looking at the opening ceremony, it’s about damn time some of them were binned (along with those who benefit from this medieval tomfoolery). Give it to ’em when there’s claptrap.

  10. Prolific, consistently wonderful out-of-this-world writing that totally connects! Brilliantissimo! pay day coming up. All hail the WGD!

  11. macart763 says:

    Enjoyed the article in the National and you’re right, that is a sure way to tell when they’re fibbing.🙂

  12. raineach says:

    We should give Westminster the clap it so richly deserves

  13. […] A parp in a bin and clapping chagrin. […]

  14. caadfael says:

    No clapping eh? Ok, how about Stomp, Stomp, Stomp, .. another one bites the dust !
    Wouldnt you just love to see Bercow’s face !!

  15. jdman says:

    We’ll brook no lectures about how to behave in the commons from these creatures.

  16. Yup – Westminster and the House of Commons are so secure in their perceived right to rule over all that they feel threatened by a handful of Honory member giving a wee round of applause for a well-placed put down of a shouty, pointy Labour man.

    Go on SNP member – keep those hands coming together every time you hear something that you like. Don’t be the convention – change it.

    As for Mundell as I said elsewhere – we know he knew; he knows we know he knew; we know he knows we know he knew. Easy isn’t it?

  17. Luigi says:

    Why did Carmichael do it?

    I think it was purely out of revenge, you know, the sort of blind fury that exposes one to stupid, really stupid errors of judgement? Underneath that soft/flabby teddy bear exterior lurks a very angry dude, still smarting after he was shown up as a big softy by the now FM during a televised debate. I don’t think he ever recovered from that public humiliation, and when the opportunity for revenge presented itself, he threw caution to the wind and jumped in feet first.

    He is still falling!

    • Jan Cowan says:

      Luigi, I’m sure you’re right. Many still use the term “help me Rhona!”. Carmichael can’t forget he was thoroughly trounced by a woman.
      Thanks again Paul for a highly enjoyable article.

  18. xsticks says:

    So is it ok to fart in the chamber and call loudly “Good arse!”?

    The 56 could all have chip butties and beans for lunch and start a new convention.

    As for Mundell, the slimy wee toley is up to his little brass neck in FrenchGate. Last nights squirmy interview can’t leave anyone in doubt about it.

    As for the clapping debacle, the 56 should refrain from clapping EXCEPT when the Westminster mob start their braying during Scottish questions. When the mob starts the Scottish speaker should stop speaking and the 56 should give them loud applause.

  19. Couldn’t agree more Paul on where WM priorities should be focussed.

    On the matter of Mundell & Carmichael; here you have two of the worst of political hide & seek players.

    One has tourettes, the other with Bunterish features, both attempting to hide behind a very slim defence.

    You have to wonder at the sheer audacity of these two who in a hall of mirrors are the only ones who do not see their reflection.

  20. sinc says:

    ‘….shocked by the leak and smear and Aliestair’s role in it, because it’s so out of character for him. I believe my friend…… ……couldn’t understand why Aliestair had done it, since he didn’t stand to gain personally from it..’

    Maybe the spooks were involved in the orchestration. After all Craig Murray seemed to think that at the time….see his blog post of 4th April 2015 #Frenchgate: Definitely the Security Services.

    Carmichael is a Privy Councillor & would have had to go along with the crown’s request…….

    Re Privy Councilors:
    The other area which is key to overall secret control outside Parliament is the Privy Council. It is important to note that all main members of the Cabinet become members of the Privy Council as do leaders and sometimes the deputy leaders of the opposition parties.

    The Privy Council oath which all members take means they cannot freely discuss any matter they are informed of or told of “Under Privy Council terms”. This means that the Cabinet and opposition leaders cannot discuss freely in Parliament or elsewhere any matter told to them on “Privy Council terms”. This means in practice that the key MPs cannot discharge their democratic duties. It is in effect a gagging system like Public Interest Immunity Certificates dispensed by Judges on application of Government and its agencies. All senior Judges and Appeal Judges are Privy Councillors as is the Lord Chancellor, The Attorney and Solicitor General and other invited and key persons. This secret unelected body has a wide range of powers. On the surface other permanent secretaries, sometimes the Cabinet Secretary and certain members of the established aristocracy are Privy Councillors. The appointment is for life and Jonathon Aitken is one of the few members to resign.


  21. Alan says:

    Didn’t see link above so here’s the video of Mundell ‘answering’ the question about what he knew: A Gift for Semiotics.

  22. Wee Jonny says:

    Another byoot WGD.

    Clapping!!! Fuckin clapping!!!
    I hope they keep it up as like you say – illegal wars, peadophile cover ups and all the rest are arite yet they say it’s a lack o respect to clap!
    This is what I think – http://youtu.be/wrZRrzfMF3o

  23. Dinna_fash says:

    Thanks for the excellent article in the National yesterday, sums it all up perfectly.

  24. macart763 says:

    Well they went and did it. They gave the already stained Scotland office the veto over any devolution representation made by the Scottish government (shakes head).

    Just stunning.

    • Sue de Nymme says:

      This is horrific. Who are ‘they’ to whom you refer? Can you give a link to the source data?

  25. Alan says:

    Not only is Mundell avoiding answering the question so is Cameron. Now we have unnamed Whitehall insiders standing in for them both
    saying they knew nothing
    . Apparently they missed the other memo about people in Scotland not taking this sort of shite anymore.

  26. BampotsUtd.wordpress.com says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  27. Pj says:

    Did greville janner not receive a round of applause at one time?

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