Westminsteritis and hyperkenezia

So the dishonourable Aliestair Koala has told the BBC that he’s got no intention of resigning his seat and allowing voters in Orkney and Shetland the chance to decide whether they want a liar and smear-merchant to represent them in the House of Commons. He thinks he should be judged on how he’s been as a constituency MP for the past 14 years and not his actual sins, which is a bit like a 1970s BBC radio DJ telling the judge to sentence him based on his work for charidee. How dare people want to judge him for his duplicity and underhand dealings. Aliestair doesn’t seen to realise that he doesn’t get to be his own judge and jury. He’s suffering from Westminsteritis. The only cure is to separate him from his privilege.

But then Aliestair doesn’t believe he’s really told a lie at all. When he told reporters that the first he knew about the memo was when a reporter asked him about it, what he really meant was that it was the first time he’d read the entire text in full. Which is like claiming you have no part in a robbery because you only planned it and drove the getaway car but didn’t set foot in the bank vault. Sadly for the Lib Dems and their Labour fences, Aliestair drove the getaway memo off a cliff, more the Italian Job than the French one. He only told them to blow the bloody diplomatic corps off.

However this raises more questions than it settles. Does Aliestair really think it’s a defence to claim that he authorised the leak of something which he hadn’t read? Is he trying to claim that he leaks things without knowing their content? The last time anyone leaked so indiscriminately they were immediately referred by their GP to the continence clinic.

It’s not exactly a surprise that the last Lib Dem crawling has acquired a moral compass as mythical as the compassionate conservatism that was supposed to be a hallmark of the coalition that killed the party. Wee Wullie Rennie, who has made a career out of calling for people to resign, still can’t understand what all the fuss is about. That’s not really a surprise either. This is not unrelated to the fact that Wullie is so slow on the uptake that it will be the end of July before he realises that there’s been a General Election. Wullie still can’t understand why no one gets on his bus anymore.

Wullie is aided in his amnesia by much of the Scottish media, which is currently in full on move along now nothing to see here mode. They don’t want to talk about Aliestair any more. Aliestair is boring, he’s dull, although of course we already knew that anyway. He’s yesterday’s story, the fish wrapper of politics and only those with chips on their shoulders still throw salt in the Lib Dems’ wounds. Let’s move on, there must be an SNP bad story along any minute now. Business as usual in North Britain.

Compare and contrast with how our supposedly free and fair Scottish media would be screaming if it was an SNP politician who’d been caught smearing in the same way. Glenn Campbell, who went to the same school as Aliestair, would be off in France filming a special programme for BBC Scotland, doorstopping random French people to ask them whether Scotland’s reputation had been damaged grossemente, beaucoup, or totalemente. He’d currently be in a bistro in Marseilles greeting into a croissant about how Aliestair had made us all ashamed to be ecossais.

Neil Hay, the unsuccessful SNP candidate for Edinburgh South, was subject to more condemnatory column inches and airtime aspersions for tweeting a link to a BBC Scotlandshire article, which the media spun into a full on attack on the entire No voting public. Which only goes to prove that the Scottish media is itself an enthusiastic participant in smearing and therefore scarcely has the moral right to call on a politician to resign for behaving like a newspaper.

Meanwhile, there’s also an attempt to go back to North British business as usual over at the Labour party in Scotland. Ken Macintosh has claimed that the party machine is bullying his supporters in order to sew the leadership election up for Kezia Dugdale. Does Labour have a machine left? It was last seen lying rusted and broken in a field in East Renfrew, where it has been used, none too successfully, in order to harvest Conservative votes for Jim Murphy. Accusations of bullying and intimidation are par for the course with the dysfunctional Labour party in Scotland, the difference between the Labour party in Scotland and a cybernat is that Labour do it professionally.

It probably makes no difference whether Ken wins or Kezia wins, they’re both most noted for their insistence that it’s all the fault of the SNP. Ken is an ally of Jim Murphy, and Kezia was Jim’s deputy. It’s tweedlemurphken and tweedlemurphkeez. They could save everyone a lot of bother by standing as a joint candidate and make like a celebrity couple and call themselves Kenezia. Then the Scottish media can hype them up like they always hype a new Labour leader and we can have hyperkenezia, which sounds very like a medical condition involving uncontrolled tics and spasms and a slow and lingering demise. So it’s really quite appropriate for the Labour party in Scotland then.

Some want Labour in Scotland to split from the British party and set itself up as a new autonomous party, possibly to be called the Pity Party. Then they could invite Aliestair Koalamichael to join. He’s the only other person in Scotland who’s in as much denial as Labour is.

It’s only a couple of weeks since the election but they’ve already proven that when it comes to feeling sorry for themselves, Aliestair and Labour’s surviving politicians are even more expert than all those other Lib Dem and Labour MPs who actually lost their seats. It looks like they are all suffering from hyperkenezia and their condition is terminal.

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25 comments on “Westminsteritis and hyperkenezia

  1. smiling vulture says:



  2. bearinorkney says:

    “Which only goes to prove that the Scottish media is itself an enthusiastic participant in smearing and therefore scarcely has the moral right to call on a politician to resign for behaving like a newspaper.”

    A nice turn of phrase that.

  3. gavin says:

    Great stuff, Paul. We live in the most interesting of times.
    Aliester resign? Why should he? He should be flung out on his blubbery arse—– misconduct in public office— Whits his excuse? I didnae ken the law, officer ?
    As for Labour, the best is yet to come.
    Heidgirl Kez has promised the Old Brigade can crawl back out of the crypt and get a place on the list in 2016—-watch the blood fly as the Brothers fight for their place on the gravy train!

  4. Susan says:

    Simply brilliant!🙂

  5. barpe4 says:

    Excellent article (as usual), and I loved the “…which is a bit like a 1970s BBC radio DJ telling the judge to sentence him based on his work for charidee.”

    Ken and Kez running the ‘Pity Party’ made my night!!

    Hope we all get ringside seats for the stramash in Labour prior to next May, why even Murph might rise from the deid!

  6. Rugged Island Forfeit says:

    What would normally be the appropriate and expected forfeit for such behaviour?

    Other options available:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBLY1U1QwmQ

  7. The Vole says:

    Reblogged this on The Orkney Vole and commented:
    “It’s not exactly a surprise that the last Lib Dem crawling has acquired a moral compass as mythical as the compassionate conservatism that was supposed to be a hallmark of the coalition that killed the part” Indeed!

  8. macart763 says:

    Right to the heart of it as usual Paul.

    These duplicitous, hypocritical toe rags have the brass neck to plead for fairness, clemency and second chances when they’ve spent an entire political career smearing, defaming and othering for a living (plus expenses).

    To to get to the point myself – NAW!

    Today I mainly don’t feel very merciful or in need of turning the other cheek. My cheeks (all four of them) are definitely not for turning. They’ve been slapped so often for giving second chances to our political class they’re registered by the coastguard as an onshore light source for wayward ships in the Firth of Clyde. I have the only glowing arse based light source recognised by nasa and which can be found by the google maps satellite if you punch in my postcode.

    Those pieces of work who call themselves Liberal and Democratic have spent the past seven years chucking more shite than a pack of stroppy chimps on crack. They have enabled one of the most divisive and societally punitive conservative governments in living memory, participated during the referendum in othering half of their own electorate and capped this memorable period off with a conspiracy to defame the first minister of Scotland by abusing a ministerial office and creating a minor international incident with a close ally and neighbour.

    FFS they and possibly significant others, attempted to manipulate public perception and the direction of a general election simply because they thought they could.

    By what stretch of anyone’s imagination does any of that warrant, not a second chance, but the latest in a long line of chances they’ve been handed over the years?

    Rant over.

  9. fillofficer says:

    literary maestro, no unnecessary adornment, straight to the jugular every time, fantabulous

  10. Paul says:

    Magnifique! There’s a special injection for real dugs displaying such savagery. More power to your elbow😀

  11. Morag Frame says:

    ‘He’s yesterdays story, the fish wrapper of politics and only those with chips on their shoulders still throw salt in the Lib Dems’ wounds’. Yer a dancer wi’ words WGD!

  12. Helena says:

    Excellent, thanks. While we are all discussing and dissecting this disgraceful, immoral and utter corruption, I have heard that Sowf of the border, not a dickie bird. I bet if I mention this to my family in Newcastle they will say, what, who? Hoping this gets outed in the veiled walls of westminster this week by our SNP contingent however, they have been hounded for even minor, insignificant tweets etc, time to get our own back.

  13. Andrew Brown says:

    Once again, pure dead brilliant !

  14. Shiprex says:

    Marvelous stuff Paul

  15. Pam McMahon says:

    ..”and only those with chips on their shoulders still throw salt in the LibDems’ wounds” That would be Malcolm Bruce then?
    His interview on BBC this a.m didn’t really help his Sad Remnants – “All politicians are liars, so what do you expect? Especially Alicsammin and the SNP”..

  16. Johnny come lately says:

    Alistair Carmichael’ behaviour in this whole sorrid affair was nothing less than underhand, cowardly and dishonest in the extreme, but he is a sideshow compared to the real story.
    There are a serious questions which have to be answered by both the civilservice and The Cameron goverment.
    Where did this phoney memo first originate. Who was the civilservant who embellished the memo. By which method was the memo recorded? Which ministers and departements was this memo circulated amongst? The person who was charged with representing Scotland’s interests in Wesminster colluded with both the civilservice and Westminster to undermine The first Minister of Scotland.
    It is the civilservice and The Scottish Office which is on trial here. The fact that this investigation took so long and was released on a Friday, on a bank holiday gives suspicion to that the civilservice is as broken as the political system which it is meant to serve. Impartiality has gone out of the window. How can politics function in this country if this is to become the norm.

  17. The Vole says:

    We have just launched the crowdfunding site for the #carmichaelmustgo legal challenge – it has raised £4,410 in three hours –

  18. hektorsmum says:

    Wonderful post Paul and I agree with every word that you said, love the idea of Kenezia running the gang that is the Labour Party, yes the bloodletting will be immense and all for nout. Can we get shot of Willie Rennie next year folks, he used to be my MP not that I voted for him. As for the lump of lard who was elevated to a non existent job, hang drawing and quartering would satisfy me.

  19. VikingsDottir says:

    I heard Nick Clegg on numerous occasions say that our membership of the EU is ‘the right thing to do’ and I’m quoting him directly, here. I thought every time I heard him that, as a Lib Dem, he must think they have the monopoly on truth. Perhaps AC thinks so too.
    It’s sad to see the state Labour is in. I was brought up in a house where Nye Bevan was god. My grandmother used to say ‘Nye would turn in his grave if he saw the state of this country.’ He would come back if he saw the state the Labour Party is in.

  20. Dave Park says:

    Don’t know if you’ll read this but fwiw, loving your recent posts. Funny imagery and cutting close to the knuckle, as it should be!

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