So the dishonourable Aliestair Koala has told the BBC that he’s got no intention of resigning his seat and allowing voters in Orkney and Shetland the chance to decide whether they want a liar and smear-merchant to represent them in the House of Commons. He thinks he should be judged on how he’s been as a constituency MP for the past 14 years and not his actual sins, which is a bit like a 1970s BBC radio DJ telling the judge to sentence him based on his work for charidee. How dare people want to judge him for his duplicity and underhand dealings. Aliestair doesn’t seen to realise that he doesn’t get to be his own judge and jury. He’s suffering from Westminsteritis. The only cure is to separate him from his privilege.
But then Aliestair doesn’t believe he’s really told a lie at all. When he told reporters that the first he knew about the memo was when a reporter asked him about it, what he really meant was that it was the first time he’d read the entire text in full. Which is like claiming you have no part in a robbery because you only planned it and drove the getaway car but didn’t set foot in the bank vault. Sadly for the Lib Dems and their Labour fences, Aliestair drove the getaway memo off a cliff, more the Italian Job than the French one. He only told them to blow the bloody diplomatic corps off.
However this raises more questions than it settles. Does Aliestair really think it’s a defence to claim that he authorised the leak of something which he hadn’t read? Is he trying to claim that he leaks things without knowing their content? The last time anyone leaked so indiscriminately they were immediately referred by their GP to the continence clinic.
It’s not exactly a surprise that the last Lib Dem crawling has acquired a moral compass as mythical as the compassionate conservatism that was supposed to be a hallmark of the coalition that killed the party. Wee Wullie Rennie, who has made a career out of calling for people to resign, still can’t understand what all the fuss is about. That’s not really a surprise either. This is not unrelated to the fact that Wullie is so slow on the uptake that it will be the end of July before he realises that there’s been a General Election. Wullie still can’t understand why no one gets on his bus anymore.
Wullie is aided in his amnesia by much of the Scottish media, which is currently in full on move along now nothing to see here mode. They don’t want to talk about Aliestair any more. Aliestair is boring, he’s dull, although of course we already knew that anyway. He’s yesterday’s story, the fish wrapper of politics and only those with chips on their shoulders still throw salt in the Lib Dems’ wounds. Let’s move on, there must be an SNP bad story along any minute now. Business as usual in North Britain.
Compare and contrast with how our supposedly free and fair Scottish media would be screaming if it was an SNP politician who’d been caught smearing in the same way. Glenn Campbell, who went to the same school as Aliestair, would be off in France filming a special programme for BBC Scotland, doorstopping random French people to ask them whether Scotland’s reputation had been damaged grossemente, beaucoup, or totalemente. He’d currently be in a bistro in Marseilles greeting into a croissant about how Aliestair had made us all ashamed to be ecossais.
Neil Hay, the unsuccessful SNP candidate for Edinburgh South, was subject to more condemnatory column inches and airtime aspersions for tweeting a link to a BBC Scotlandshire article, which the media spun into a full on attack on the entire No voting public. Which only goes to prove that the Scottish media is itself an enthusiastic participant in smearing and therefore scarcely has the moral right to call on a politician to resign for behaving like a newspaper.
Meanwhile, there’s also an attempt to go back to North British business as usual over at the Labour party in Scotland. Ken Macintosh has claimed that the party machine is bullying his supporters in order to sew the leadership election up for Kezia Dugdale. Does Labour have a machine left? It was last seen lying rusted and broken in a field in East Renfrew, where it has been used, none too successfully, in order to harvest Conservative votes for Jim Murphy. Accusations of bullying and intimidation are par for the course with the dysfunctional Labour party in Scotland, the difference between the Labour party in Scotland and a cybernat is that Labour do it professionally.
It probably makes no difference whether Ken wins or Kezia wins, they’re both most noted for their insistence that it’s all the fault of the SNP. Ken is an ally of Jim Murphy, and Kezia was Jim’s deputy. It’s tweedlemurphken and tweedlemurphkeez. They could save everyone a lot of bother by standing as a joint candidate and make like a celebrity couple and call themselves Kenezia. Then the Scottish media can hype them up like they always hype a new Labour leader and we can have hyperkenezia, which sounds very like a medical condition involving uncontrolled tics and spasms and a slow and lingering demise. So it’s really quite appropriate for the Labour party in Scotland then.
Some want Labour in Scotland to split from the British party and set itself up as a new autonomous party, possibly to be called the Pity Party. Then they could invite Aliestair Koalamichael to join. He’s the only other person in Scotland who’s in as much denial as Labour is.
It’s only a couple of weeks since the election but they’ve already proven that when it comes to feeling sorry for themselves, Aliestair and Labour’s surviving politicians are even more expert than all those other Lib Dem and Labour MPs who actually lost their seats. It looks like they are all suffering from hyperkenezia and their condition is terminal.
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