These things happen

Not even Rona can help him now. The last shreds of Alistair Koalamichael’s credibility have gone the way of Danny Alexander’s career in politics, shot down in the flames of public disgrace. Although Danny Alexander did at least manage to salvage something that could pass – from a distance – as dignity. Alistair can’t even do that, reduced as he is to writing apologetic letters to Nicola and the French ambassador begging for his career to continue.

The last Lib Dem standing, or at least crawling, has finally blubbered out what most of us had suspected, that he was responsible for leaking a memo which claimed Nicola Sturgeon wanted the Tories to win the General Election. The Dishonourable Member for Lying Gobshite only admitted it because he got caught, after an official investigation which cost the taxpayer almost £1.4 million – even though everyone knew all along that Alistair bears a startling resemblance to the creepy janitor in Scooby Doo, and it’s always the creepy janitor who’s the guilty party.

The thing about flinging crap is that it leaves you with shit on your own hands. The SNP have taken over from the Lib Dems as the third party, leaving the Lib Dems with just being the turd party. With the disappearance of his aiders and abetters with the near extinction of the Lib Dems and the Labour party in Scotland Alistair has now been left to juggle jobbies all by himself. Since he’s clearly deficient in the crap coordination department, it is now raining down on his head, and on the heads of the media which gleefully reported the original smear. They’d hoped that they’d found the dam to stem the rising tide of the SNP, but they’d forgotten that you can’t build a strong barrier on a foundation of shite. That’s a lesson that Better Together would do well to remember after their campaign to save the Union.

In an attempt to make reparations, or at least buy himself some time in the hope that the problem will go away, Alistair has tendered a virtual resignation. The former Scottish Secretary has said that he’d have stood down from the job that he no longer has, the job he no longer has because his party was wiped out at the polls for telling lies. In other words he has pretended to make amends in the hope that he’ll be forgiven for real. That’s a bit like a bank robber offering to pay back some Monopoly money after spending the real ill gotten gains on securing a nice wee pad in the Northern Isles. Naturally Alistair has no intention of giving up the cosy wee corner he’s acquired for himself in the Northern Isles, the one he got on the back of claiming to the voters of Orkney and Shetland that unlike the rest of his lying party he wasn’t a durrty lying bastert. Mind you, if he did announce that he was going to step down, no one would believe him.

Alistair has also said that he won’t accept the severance pay he’s due for losing his post as a Government minister, some £16000. He should be made to repay the entire cost of the investigation, although perhaps there needs to be an investigation into the investigation – and Alistair should pay for that too. Why did it take the best part of six weeks and around £1.4 million to discover that Alistair dunnit when his dirty crap smeared paw prints were all over the memo in the first place? When the investigation was announced he admitted that he knew who did it, so why did it take so long – and more importantly why were the findings of the investigation not released until the election was done and dusted?

The outcome of the investigation was clearly going to have a bearing on how people would have voted, and you can bet a stuffed koala that if it was likely that the investigation was going to discover that Nicola had indeed said what was alleged then the Lib Dems and Labour would have been screaming for it to conclude and publish long before May 7. But we all knew that it was going to finger a Lib Dem as a liar, and no one in power was about to do the SNP – or the voters of Scotland – any favours.

Mind you, they have previous for expecting Scottish voters to make their minds up on a prospectus that’s a lie. This is why we’ve lost all faith in them, and is precisely why hundreds of thousands who’ve never voted SNP before voted SNP on May 7. A leopard can’t change its spots, and a Unionist politician can’t change their verbal diarrhoea. If you lie in court you can go to jail, if you lie to affect the outcome of an election you get a seat in the Commons and an expense account.

You can have a grudging respect for an underhand, ruthless, and Machiavellian self-serving manipulator. But not when they’re also inept, transparent, and clueless. Alistair wanted to wield a stiletto, but he got mixed up between the wee Italian knife and the high heels. Unlike the guy in the Money Supermarket advert, who also has a well upholstered arse, Alistair teetered and fell off and twisted his ankle. Now he’s lying face flat on the floor, desperately hoping that he can get back on his feet before his arse is trodden into the shag pile of public disgrace. The weekend is dominated by calls for him to resign his seat amidst claims that he was elected on a false premise, that false premise being that he’s not a lying manipulative underhand excuse for a balloon.

It’s not clear if there is any mechanism by which Alistair can be held to account. Clearly he has no sense of shame, otherwise he’d never have embarked on a pathetically transparent smear campaign in the first place. It’s possible that he may have broken electoral law – but if a politician could be held to account for not telling the truth we wouldn’t have a Conservative party and Jim Murphy would never have existed.

There’s now a petition demanding that Alistair stand down so there can by a by-election in Orkney and Shetland. 97% of those who have participated in online poll by the Shetland Times want him to go. Coincidentally, 3% was the size of his majority, so it now looks like only 800 voters in the Isles want him to remain as their MP. He might hang on to his job, but the 56 SNP MPs are going to make the next five years very uncomfortable for a man who may very well turn out to be the last Scottish Lib Dem MP ever.

These things happen, eh Alistair.

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42 comments on “These things happen

  1. Fiona says:

    Oh, I had forgotten that he said he knew who did it. Thanks for that timely reminder WGD

  2. osakisushi says:

    Of some concern is you stray into the land of literary genius in this piece.

    “The thing about flinging crap is that it leaves you with shit on your own hands. The SNP have taken over from the Lib Dems as the third party, leaving the Lib Dems with just being the turd party. ”

    I wish I could have written the above – brilliant and I salute you.

  3. grizzlepuss says:

    I wish on this man the ‘grapes of wrath’, AKA haemorrhoids… the large variety of grape called Trousseau Noir, also aptly and commonly known as Bastardo.

    I’m so utterly angry at this smug, wobbly-jowled arse that has cost the public purse an estimated £1.4m. Where was the thought Mr Carmichael for those less well off, those struggling to feed and heat themselves while you wrung your flaccid hands in anticipation of not being found out?

    The disgrace that he has brought upon the high office of Scotland let alone the frustration and embarrassment to both the French Ambassador & Nicola Sturgeon is utterly unacceptable. Let’s not forget; when you throw mud unnecessarily, some of it will mess up some innocent life somewhere.

    Can any other Unionist politician in Scotland, let alone the rUK justify and/or excuse this pantomime (I don’t include the 56 SNP politicians as I think we can assume that their universal condemnation is the language being spoken)

    This is what is wrong with politicians of the old brigade, those of the London-centric Unionist agenda & influence. Politics is seen as a big boys club to do whatever one feels is amusing to get ‘one over’ on an opponent. What larks, and only a little bit of contrition apparently needed to make all come good if you should be caught pissing in the workhouse gruel pot.

    They act in a manner completely devoid in awareness to the common people who vastly make up their electorate. To them, playing a game of “catch me if you can” is such a hoot when you have so many establishment toys and funds to play with.

    If there is any justice for Carmichael, then the virtual pitchfork and flaming torches as witnessed on social media from south to north Scotland will drive this charlatan from his leather wing-backed sanctuary and out of political office.

    Like with many a criminal who has spent time ‘inside’, let’s see Carmichael carry around the shame of having to declare on each job application that he has been caught bang to rights as a liar, quasi-thief of public funds and a fraud to the electorate of Orkney & Shetland.

    • macart763 says:

      Well said Grizzle.

      And let’s not forget those who jumped in feet first knowing the lie for what it was and yet gleefully set about attempting to smear and defame the First Minister of Scotland.

      Willie Rennie I believe is the first name which springs to mind. Was it not Mr Rennie’s soun bite which was sought by the Torygraph upon the story’s initial release? The there was not so red Ed who ate up enormous amounts of broadcast time for that whole weekend doing his best impersonation of a town crier every time a camera was pointed in his direction (although whenever I saw him all I heard was a famous animated character asking for more cheese pleeze Gromit). Then of course we come to branch manager elect Kezia Dugdale and her conduct at the time of this release…

      … well, her dad had her telt, but she widnae listen. The staccato Ms Dugdale wants to become a Labour branch manager and presumably Scotland’s first Minister…(whoosh of oxygen leaving the room), and breathe.

      Moving on.

      So let’s look at the guilty and fully compromised parties. The sitting government in the shape of The Scotland office, the civil service, the Labour party leadership, the now extinct Lib Dems, the ever ready to dis UK media and in particular Telegraph.

      One more thought. Do cabinet ministers act of their own accord when attempting to subvert the democratic process, or did Dave have a hand in this clusterfuck too?

      Frankly I wouldn’t put it past him and at the end of the day this conspiracy happened on his watch. So I’d ask Dave, do you have any control whatsoever over your cabinet? Oh and are we better together yet?

    • Whitburnsfinest says:

      What larks, and only a little bit of contrition apparently needed to make all come good if you should be caught pissing in the workhouse gruel pot.’

      Grizzlepuss, I think I love you.

  4. punklin says:

    And it sticks in my craw to recall how so many other unionist politicos and journos weighed straight in – not just the Daily Torygraph but Miliband, Murphy and the BBC – turning their fire on the First Minister rather than Koala.

    He should resign as an MP, though I think the whole thing has been orchestrated by others.

    • xsticks says:

      Aye, punklin, I suspect that Carmichael was played for a fool by the tories. They will have been laughing themselves silly over how easy it was to set Carmichael up.

  5. fatbob says:

    He should stay as a large figure of a buffoon to remind everyone of what a Westminster unionist self seeking idiot looks like. He will be joined by other buffoons, once they get their superglued bums of the green leather seats they don’t own. Such idiocy may be named a Carmbunkle, or for Jimbo a Carmbinklywinkly, in deference to his vocal gymnasties.

    • Jan Cowan says:

      But we must have consideration for the people of the Northern Isles. They ought to have the opportunity to reject him should they vote to do so.

  6. Janis says:

    You have to ask why it cost £1.4 million. What was that about. Surely half a days work of a good investigator and this lie would been solved. I note the telegraph, on their website, are still saying the reporter who overheard the conversation heard it correctly although Carmichael has said it was untrue. The Tory media are every bit as bad as the bent politicians. Bet the people in his constituancy are disgusted at the lie they were spun during the election.

  7. Brian Powell says:

    It’s funny that, like Labour, he didn’t think what would happen when the Tories were no longer ‘best pals’ . They were warned often enough, but I guess we should never underestimate the egos that grow in the warm, well nourished atmosphere of Westminster.
    They really believed they are beloved. See Gordon Brown for the biggest bag of “I’m beloved” around.
    Labour found out, but still couldn’t believe it. after the Referendum; Carmichael, now that he isn’t making up the numbers for the coalition.
    If the Tories had needed Libs after the election it could have been even longer before this came out.

    • Brian Powell says:

      Closer to home, we still have Kezia Dugdale and Willie Rennie who’ went hop-skippity-jump with this smear. when it was first ‘revealed’.
      They were ‘certain’, they ‘knew it confirmed’. All within minutes of the liars at the Telegraph pumping it out.

  8. Marian says:

    The unionist media are trying hard to bury this disgusting story but Scots should be doing everything they can to force this odious creature to resign as an MP for trying to smear the FM and influence the outcome of the GE and then repeatedly lying when challenged about his involvement.

    Scots should never let this man’s foul deed be forgotten by his party and the media, by campaigning and hounding him from office.

  9. brewsed says:

    Given how he seemed to enjoy stirring the shit, perhaps, whilst still employed in the hoose by the Thames, he could maybe find a wee jobbie as a gatherer of night soil.

  10. cearc says:

    Does he really think that waiving 16K will impress anyone, when he has just secured (he hopes) another 5 X 70K salary?

  11. […] These things happen. […]

  12. Iona Easton says:

    How can it possibly cost 1.4 million pounds to walk up to the number 1 suspect and say “Did you do it mate?”.
    The Civil Service cover themselves with glory ( or is that our money) once again. An exorbitant, conveniently long investigation. Yep! Neutral without doubt.

  13. Albawoman says:

    Au Revoir to wee Willie Rennie et al Holyrood 2016

  14. johnp45 says:

    We know Carmichael is a buffoon, but he has been truly ousted as a devious, lying ‘Honorable Member’. How can he ever come out in public again, having finally nailed every LibDem supporter to the mast of dishonesty.

    Hopefully Nicola will show us what she’s made of by drilling Rennie and Dugdale into the ground next week – and hopefully save a bit of ‘extra’ for BBC’s Cooke!

  15. epicyclo says:

    The irony is this lie didn’t hurt the SNP, but probably helped the Tories obliterate the LibDems. His party should sack him.

  16. Aucheorn says:

    How the hell does it cost over a million for a few phone calls to find out some bastert’s lying ?

    Who telt the Telegraph? Him.
    Did you pass it to the Telegraph? Yes, my boss told me to.
    Did you tell him to? Well Hmmm, you see, hmm, alright then I did.
    I’ll write another letter and then sod it I’m going on holiday for a bit and you’ll forget it.

  17. smiling vulture says:

    £1.4 million?

    Must of been taking statements @t the London Ritz

  18. scotsgeoff says:

    He should be sacked and not even given the opportunity to ‘do the right thing’ –
    if ‘doing the right thing’ was ever on his horizon he wouldn’t have done what he
    did in the first place.

    But, this is Westminster politics and why should we be surprised at this kind
    of arrogant, disrespectful behaviour? After all, Gordon Brown, in particular, and
    Better Together got away with lying throughout IndyRef and not only ‘got away with it’
    but also had a compliant media knowingly joining in.

    They call this ‘democracy’. And all we hear since September is ‘the will of the Scottish
    people has spoken’, ‘you lost’ etc. Well if I were to con someone (particularly a pensioner)
    out of money or possessions on their doorstep by telling falsehoods and by scaring them I
    would be in a cell before my feet touched the ground. A vote is, arguably, the most valuable
    possession we have, but we can be conned out of that by the Establishment with impunity.

    There is no surprise here with this shambles; indeed many people, rabidly accused of tinfoil-hattery, predicted that the truth would out via the investigation AFTER the election.

    Democracy here is a sham and the sooner more people wake up and realise that the sooner
    we can do something about it.

    PS I’m not convinced that all those that voted for Carmichael thought he was not involved and would’ve changed their vote if the info had come out before the election; there will be some that happily voted for him suspecting his actions but assuaged of conscience because nothing was ‘confirmed’. It’s a good way of justifying doing something or backing someone you don’t believe in; self-deluding to protect one’s ego.

  19. Big Al says:

    Still trying to work out why he didn’t resign while he was secretary of state as he obviously knew then!
    On a serious note will Paul take up the question of what Willie Rennie knew during Memogate? Rennie had a high profile supporting role in the media at the time backing Carmichaels line. There’s not much room for manoeuvre here. Either Rennie was taken for a complete fool by Carmichael which doesn’t say much for his judgement, or he was in the know – which makes him a liar too. Will someone somewhere pose this question?

  20. WRH2 says:

    Just listening to discussion of this on Radio Scotland. Can’t get the name of the female who is trying to blame Nicola for the whole thing. Talk about tortured thinking. She has said that Nicola is pursuing a vendetta against Carmichael. Just unbelievable drivel but it’s BBC so what should I expect.

    • Steve Asaneilean says:

      Shiobhan Sinnott me thinks. One time BBC Scotland hack and now mediocre film critic.

      So used to talking crap about a work of fiction.

      Anyway, what Carmichael did was an affront toddemocracy and the democratic process and for that he should step down and, as Nicola would say, let the voters decide.

      But equally Rennie, Dugdale et al who jumped on Frenchgate and used it as a baton to attack the First Minister of a democratically elected national parliament are culpable by association and they too have abused democracy and should be held to account.

      But in their world it’s “SNP bad – and sod the truth”.

      Shameful the lot of them IMHO.

  21. Gavin C Barrie says:

    Wee Mundy must be livid that he wasn’t informed nor consulted by his coalition partner, Carmichael, on the issue. Or….?

    Mebbes Aye,mebbes Naw?

  22. The Vole says:

    Reblogged this on The Orkney Vole and commented:
    As always the Wee Ginger Dug puts his finger on the pulse of everything. Sign all the petitions and make your feelings clear!

  23. Iain Lickley says:

    Defamation of People Standing for Election:

    What are the offences under the Representation of the People Act?

    Section 106 of the Representation of the People Act 1983 specifies that it is a criminal offence to make or publish a false statement of fact about the personal character or conduct of an election candidate. The purpose of making or publishing this false statement must be seen to be to affect how many votes the candidate will get.

    Section 106 thus specifies that, in this offence, it must be a distinct statement of fact as opposed to an expression of opinion or comment about a candidate.

    If a defendant can show that he/she has reasonable grounds for believing that the statement was true at the time of publication, then they will not be successfully prosecuted for this offence – even if the statement does turn out to be untrue. This differs from other defamation and libel actions whereby the defendant must prove that the statement is in fact true.

    I am sure that Shetlanders (who despite the best-laid plans of their MP.. which appear to have ‘gang aft agley’) who voted in favour of the SNP in the election and Orcadians will scutinise the actions of the former Secretary of State, who says he would indeed have resigned on this matter if still in his ministerial positon – but after the bank holiday [lest ye forget] of course.

  24. Sue de Nymme says:

    Did he mean that he would resign completely as an MP, or did big sneaky mean that he would resign his ministerial post? I will bet that he saw no chance of remaining a minister after the election so therefore his statement was entirely empty and is without the slightest whiff of substance.

    Lib Dumbs chances in 2016 are nil. It is a pity that we cannot have less than nil, the concept of negative marks to put against future elections appeals to me.

  25. johnp45 says:

    We must keep up the pressure on Carmichael, and the bonus will be some very shoogly pegs at Holyrood for LibDumb coats next May. Let’s see what saft Willie will make of that.

  26. diabloandco says:

    Damn! I missed all this having been on holiday on Mallorca. Thanks for being in my inbox and bringing me up to date – I would have laughed at your brilliant use of words but I am so damned angry with the buffoon ,his sidekick and the media – not to mention 1.4 million quid spent on pretending to investigate Frenchgate.
    Incidentally , I met a lovely fella on Mallorca who is fighting for Mallorcan independence – wish I had your language skills Paul because I have a fractured understanding of where they are at in their fight. I gave him my YES frisby and my SNP one so should any of you be in Pollensa on a walking/cycling holiday pop into the Refugi at Pont Roma and have a chat with Gabriel ( great paella and very reasonable beer prices!)

    • macart763 says:

      Hope you had a great time (green with envy). 😀

      I think the rabbit hole goes much deeper than Koalamichael. For instance what of his 2IC Mundell? The chap he shared an office with during his tenure as SoS? Is it believable that Paddington knew nothing of any of this? I mean this had to have been stewing since the original meeting took place in February (pre purdah).

      The civil servant in question has yet to be named. Who wrote the addendum summary? When was the leaking of this document discussed? Is Mr Cameron saying that he could not control the actions of his cabinet? Who was present and decided to involve the Telegraph? Considering the speed and preparedness of the releases of the other parties and their spads, just how was this achieved without a prior leak to them first to prepare the way for a concerted smear effort.

      Carmichael is carrying the can no question, but I suspect Tory hands were pulling the strings.

      • diabloandco says:

        Just marvellous Macart!
        Lots of food ,drink, fun ,sun and believe it or not Scottish weather for 3 of the days!

        I had hoped that Carmichael would be fried to a crisp on the Andrew Marr show – watched it in hope – hopes dashed.
        But hey ! who needs A.Marr when we have Paul , Rev Stu ,cartoonists extraordinaire and brilliant commentators like your own good self.

  27. douglas clark says:


    All of that is possible, but it doesn’t explain why he trashed his own career.

    • macart763 says:

      I believe his party have already stated that they will be taking no further action Douglas. The conservative government haven’t said a peep in condemnation and ditto Labour. Unless Carmichael falls on his own sword, it appears the only people who will hold him to account will be the electorate. As of today Carmichael is still an MP, still pulling down a wage and expenses, still part of public life.

      Its possible that in exchange for a hands off deal from all other parties Mr Carmichael would voluntarily carry the can and accept a brief period of public shaming in the press and loss of his ministerial severance pay. That wouldn’t be a bad deal from his point of view in the circumstances.

  28. Morag Frame says:

    Keep digging wee dug!

Comments are closed.