Not even Rona can help him now. The last shreds of Alistair Koalamichael’s credibility have gone the way of Danny Alexander’s career in politics, shot down in the flames of public disgrace. Although Danny Alexander did at least manage to salvage something that could pass – from a distance – as dignity. Alistair can’t even do that, reduced as he is to writing apologetic letters to Nicola and the French ambassador begging for his career to continue.
The last Lib Dem standing, or at least crawling, has finally blubbered out what most of us had suspected, that he was responsible for leaking a memo which claimed Nicola Sturgeon wanted the Tories to win the General Election. The Dishonourable Member for Lying Gobshite only admitted it because he got caught, after an official investigation which cost the taxpayer almost £1.4 million – even though everyone knew all along that Alistair bears a startling resemblance to the creepy janitor in Scooby Doo, and it’s always the creepy janitor who’s the guilty party.
The thing about flinging crap is that it leaves you with shit on your own hands. The SNP have taken over from the Lib Dems as the third party, leaving the Lib Dems with just being the turd party. With the disappearance of his aiders and abetters with the near extinction of the Lib Dems and the Labour party in Scotland Alistair has now been left to juggle jobbies all by himself. Since he’s clearly deficient in the crap coordination department, it is now raining down on his head, and on the heads of the media which gleefully reported the original smear. They’d hoped that they’d found the dam to stem the rising tide of the SNP, but they’d forgotten that you can’t build a strong barrier on a foundation of shite. That’s a lesson that Better Together would do well to remember after their campaign to save the Union.
In an attempt to make reparations, or at least buy himself some time in the hope that the problem will go away, Alistair has tendered a virtual resignation. The former Scottish Secretary has said that he’d have stood down from the job that he no longer has, the job he no longer has because his party was wiped out at the polls for telling lies. In other words he has pretended to make amends in the hope that he’ll be forgiven for real. That’s a bit like a bank robber offering to pay back some Monopoly money after spending the real ill gotten gains on securing a nice wee pad in the Northern Isles. Naturally Alistair has no intention of giving up the cosy wee corner he’s acquired for himself in the Northern Isles, the one he got on the back of claiming to the voters of Orkney and Shetland that unlike the rest of his lying party he wasn’t a durrty lying bastert. Mind you, if he did announce that he was going to step down, no one would believe him.
Alistair has also said that he won’t accept the severance pay he’s due for losing his post as a Government minister, some £16000. He should be made to repay the entire cost of the investigation, although perhaps there needs to be an investigation into the investigation – and Alistair should pay for that too. Why did it take the best part of six weeks and around £1.4 million to discover that Alistair dunnit when his dirty crap smeared paw prints were all over the memo in the first place? When the investigation was announced he admitted that he knew who did it, so why did it take so long – and more importantly why were the findings of the investigation not released until the election was done and dusted?
The outcome of the investigation was clearly going to have a bearing on how people would have voted, and you can bet a stuffed koala that if it was likely that the investigation was going to discover that Nicola had indeed said what was alleged then the Lib Dems and Labour would have been screaming for it to conclude and publish long before May 7. But we all knew that it was going to finger a Lib Dem as a liar, and no one in power was about to do the SNP – or the voters of Scotland – any favours.
Mind you, they have previous for expecting Scottish voters to make their minds up on a prospectus that’s a lie. This is why we’ve lost all faith in them, and is precisely why hundreds of thousands who’ve never voted SNP before voted SNP on May 7. A leopard can’t change its spots, and a Unionist politician can’t change their verbal diarrhoea. If you lie in court you can go to jail, if you lie to affect the outcome of an election you get a seat in the Commons and an expense account.
You can have a grudging respect for an underhand, ruthless, and Machiavellian self-serving manipulator. But not when they’re also inept, transparent, and clueless. Alistair wanted to wield a stiletto, but he got mixed up between the wee Italian knife and the high heels. Unlike the guy in the Money Supermarket advert, who also has a well upholstered arse, Alistair teetered and fell off and twisted his ankle. Now he’s lying face flat on the floor, desperately hoping that he can get back on his feet before his arse is trodden into the shag pile of public disgrace. The weekend is dominated by calls for him to resign his seat amidst claims that he was elected on a false premise, that false premise being that he’s not a lying manipulative underhand excuse for a balloon.
It’s not clear if there is any mechanism by which Alistair can be held to account. Clearly he has no sense of shame, otherwise he’d never have embarked on a pathetically transparent smear campaign in the first place. It’s possible that he may have broken electoral law – but if a politician could be held to account for not telling the truth we wouldn’t have a Conservative party and Jim Murphy would never have existed.
There’s now a petition demanding that Alistair stand down so there can by a by-election in Orkney and Shetland. 97% of those who have participated in online poll by the Shetland Times want him to go. Coincidentally, 3% was the size of his majority, so it now looks like only 800 voters in the Isles want him to remain as their MP. He might hang on to his job, but the 56 SNP MPs are going to make the next five years very uncomfortable for a man who may very well turn out to be the last Scottish Lib Dem MP ever.
These things happen, eh Alistair.
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