Skooshing away from the stuffed panda tea party

Davie Cameron has told us that we’re not going to be allowed to have another independence referendum. The wee sowel thinks it’s up to him to decide whether we can or not, bless. We’ll tell you when we’re going to have another indyref Davie son, we don’t need your permission. At a Scottish Parliament election, if Scotland votes for a party with an independence referendum in its manifesto, we’ll have an independence referendum. That’s how this democracy thing works, although you can appreciate that an upper class Etonian Tory might struggle with the concept.

Of course, we’re not going to have another independence referendum for the time being. That would be silly. We had one of those last year, and we lost it. Scotland’s voters know that. We also know that we won’t be having another indyref until we know we’re going to win independence, and the rate at Davie Cameron is getting up the collective nostrils of the Scottish public that could be next week. In fact if Iain Duncan Smith opens his gob before the end of the day, it could very well be tomorrow.

Oh but what about respecting the will of the 55% who voted No, the Unionists cry. Although in the case of the Labour party and the Lib Dems it’s hard to distinguish that crying from the crying they’re doing because they’ve been wiped out.

But that’s the point isn’t it – there will be no second independence referendum until the 55% is no longer a 55%, so there won’t be any 55% majority whose views demand respect. It’s arguable whether there is still a 55% in any case. According to opinion polls the 55% is now more like a 51%, which works out at a loss in Unionist support of 0.5% every month. If that rate of attrition is maintained by the time of the Scottish elections next year 57% of Scotland’s voters will be supporting independence. And that’s without the accelerant factor of a majority Tory government to piss us all off even more.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about the clueless vicious ineptitude of majority Tory governments, they’re world class experts in pissing off people in Scotland. They’ve already done it some more with Cameron’s announcement about no more independence referendums. Cameron has no right to speak for Scotland, he hasn’t noticed that a Mundell isn’t a mandate. A mundell is a small stuffed toy bear, although that’s being terribly cruel to the intellectual capabilities of sawdust filled pandas, which are actually capable of attending a dolls’ tea party without adult supervision.

The sawdust filled panda is the new Secretary of State for Scotland, taking over from the sawdust filled koalamichael. And all of Scotland went “Ooooh that’s a surprise,” in a heavily sarcastic tone. This is the panda that said just a wee while back that the post of Secretary of State was “above his pay grade”. Asking Scotland if it wants to make that a supersized meal is above the stuffed panda’s pay grade. But it’s not like Davie Cameron was terribly spoiled for choice.

Meanwhile the funerals are in full swing over at Labour towers. Perhaps I should stop slagging off the Labour party in Scotland, because it’s wrong to speak ill of the dead, but Jim Murphy is still infesting the corpse. Just thought I’d put that out there, because Labour still isn’t putting Jim out. We need as many strong anti-Tory voices as we can get right now Labour party in Scotland – and you lot aren’t helping. Get your collective finger out of your collective arse, and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Try and remember that the reason we all hate you is because you are a bunch of useless self serving wastes of space, and continuing to be a bunch of useless self serving wastes of space isn’t helping your case any.

Labour can start by getting rid of Jim, and then maybe, just maybe, they can start doing what they were supposed to be doing in the first place – being a voice for the people of Scotland. It should be too difficult, because SLab has only got one voice now, that would be Ian Murray the Shadow Secretary of State for Union Jackets. Labour isn’t terribly spoiled for choice either.

But Labour won’t be escaping popular ire any time soon. The party south of the border seems to have decided that it lost the election because it wasn’t blairite enough. Because what we really need in order to achieve social justice and equality is a party that’s in favour of Iraqi wars, sooking up to Kazakhstani dictators and being indistinguishable from the Tories. Now we’ve got the arch blairite Chuka Umunna making a pitch for the leadership, and rumours that the other Miliband will return from his self imposed exile. The prince over the watter who will lead the party to another Scottish defeat because he’ll speak down at us and not for us, not from amongst us.

And it’s this rapidly diminishing set of choices that is driving the 55% on its ever downwards spiral and leading to the inevitable end of an unloved union. Scotland has become the colour blind person with discerning taste buds in the UK’s political skoosh shop. Colour blind people can’t tell the difference between orange coloured orange skoosh and green coloured lemon skoosh, both are thickly cloying and kill the sensitive tongue, the only difference is the chemical colourant. The Unionist media complains that with the rise of the SNP that Scotland is turning into a one party state, but the truth is that the UK became a one party state a long time ago, and the punters are offered a choice that’s a non choice between austerity loving neo-liberals who are distinguished only by their chemical additives. The flavour remains the same, and both of them equally rot your teeth and are bad for your health as they fill the cups in the dolly tea set at the stuffed panda party.

It’s hardly surprising that Scotland is skooshing away after a different flavour of politics.

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30 comments on “Skooshing away from the stuffed panda tea party

  1. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    The key attribute of a successful parasite is that it infests but does not kill the host otherwise it will die too.

    I think Murphy should be allowed to finish his job at Holyrood. The rump of the Labour Party would self consume in hand to hand combat if they don’t just get rid of him.

  2. Mary Vasey says:

    Fan-bloody-tastic wgd, the foremost swordsmith in Scotland

  3. Mary Vasey says:

    Tsk word smith

  4. mary docherty says:

    Well skooshed !!Great vibrant reading Cheers Dug !!!

  5. Albawoman says:

    What a brilliant writer you are. Glad you gave up smoking. More time left to write.

  6. They still don’t get it do they?

    So let Davie and co. keep digging out the hole they are in…

  7. Irene Danks says:

    Really disappointed that David Mundane has been chosen….I’d hoped they’d have carried out a competition… “I’m a nonentity, get me intae here”

  8. From now on, every question to Mundell should begin, ‘I realise it’s above your pay grade, but what do you think…?’

  9. Omnibus says:

    Just a wee heads up on some numbers.

    On the historic date for Scotland of Thursday 7 May 2015 independence supporting parties received a 51.3% share of the Scottish vote.

    So the 55% is now somewhere around 48.7% rather than 51%…?

    All 59 seats would have been won by the SNP but for 4252 votes.

  10. Oh but what about respecting the will of the 64% in the UK who voted against the Tories, but still get an absolutist Tory government?

    Cameron isn’t really following his own logic there.

  11. […] Skooshing away from the stuffed panda tea party […]

  12. fillofficer says:

    what with all the latest commentaries from sugar, dmiiliband etc it looks like labour uk too will become defunct

  13. hektorsmum says:

    I imagine that oor Panda’s are better at everything than David Mundell, well nearly everything not much good at breeding. David Mundell, has he bred? I shudder to think we may get Mundell junior in Politics.
    Loved the post Paul.

  14. macart763 says:

    Oh yes when a parliamentary sovereignty meets a popular sovereignty its time to break out the popcorn. 🙂

  15. Dave Hansell says:

    One way of characterising the diminishing amount of choice we have down here on the south side of the wall is that we can have Coco Cola (the real thing), Pepsi Cola (the copycat), Virginia Cola (the old stuff in a new bottle), and generic supermarket cola (purple with no added colouring).

    But no water.

    Meanwhile up in Scotland there seems to have been a collective decision to opt for a more healthy option with the mass production of your own home (Irn?) Brew.

    Any chance of exporting some of it down here, the Tizer seems to have gone flat?

  16. gavin says:

    No referendum ?
    Does that mean the exorcise of our right to self- determination now rests on a simple majority at the ballot box?
    I would ask Mundell, but he might struggle to tell me what way is up.
    Let’s keep Count Smurphula ( the undead ). His mojo is gone, as will McTernan shortly. He is a lame duck in the guise of a dead sheep.

  17. baseline borg says:

    Munderella at last gets to go to the ball.

  18. Saor Alba says:

    Great post once again WGD.
    Cameron fails to note that the sovereign will of the Scottish people is the important catalyst for a referendum, not some public schoolboy with little real life experience. This, despite the fact that our Nicola has reminded him so often. It must be difficult for these Eton chaps to realise that they serve. They do NOT rule.

  19. barpe4 says:

    I’m not sure Cameron wasn’t just expressing an opinion, based on what Nicola has been saying. He only needs to think about the next couple of years then he’s offski, anyway!

    But we’ll need to be very careful what our MPs say and do, as the press (both Labour and Tory now hate us remember!) will be looking for anything to ‘jump on’. Mhairi has been the subject already, I believe, of very old twitter comments she made when 14!!

    I think we may rest assured that David will not be breeding any time soon.

  20. Morag Frame says:

    At yer best! WGD

  21. douglas clark says:

    All this talk of soft toys reminds me of the inestimable Munguins Republic.

  22. Luigi says:

    Paul, you are absolutely loving this, we are all loving this. May the love continue! Between the lines of hilarity, you do provide words of wisdom regarding a second referendum, namely that it will happened if and when the people of Scotland decide.

    Regarding the 2016, I do hope that people don’t get ahead of themselves and start screaming for one too soon – we do need time to consolidate these massive gains (although things still show no sign of slowing down). Perhaps something along the lines of a 2016 (SNP) manifesto not promising to hold a referendum, but reserving the right to hold one in the event of some significant circumstance (eg a messy Euro referendum result) and of course the people will decide if and when. We do need to win it, and I hope people are sensible enough to realise that, at this stage, we do have to be patient and bide our time. The SNP under Salmond, and now Sturgeon have done brilliantly to get us this far, and I trust their judgement about when and how to go for the next push. It’s a tricky situation, but we have an abundance of master strategists on our side.

    I understand some people are desperate to hold another referendum as soon as possible, but we really need to make sure we win it, or it really is off the table for a generation (and many of us will not be around to experience the dream come true). So let’s not jump the gun and ruin it for everyone. Time is on our side, the process is well underway and its a one-way street. Independence is coming, but we need to continue to be patient and disciplined. I think if the SNP MPs are seen to be standing up for Scotland and poor people throughout the UK, and against austerity over the next few years, the people will support them (and understand the limitations against a Tory majority).

    This is where popular blogs like WGD and WoS come in – your influence could be crucial in managing independence expectations over the next five years, and focussing the fight against austerity and Tory ideology (between the lines of hilarity, of course)! Keep up the good work.

  23. Tsar Nicholas says:

    “A Mundell isn’t a mandate” is a great line – it should end up in a book of Scottish political quotations.

    But this idea of a Jim Murphy possessing the corpse of Scottish Labour – isn’t it time to bring back the Sea of Souls television series? This seems to be a case for the Parapsychology department of Clyde University!

  24. Absolutely right Luigi. Independence has to come because the vast majority of people living in Scotland want it. That will come with time I am sure so let’s keep the powder dry till then and only push really hard when we have the weight of the large majority behind us.

    Meanwhile the maxiest Devo-max we can get will hopefully suffice and will help cement the view that we are quite capable of managing ourselves and our own affairs.

    Go for another referendum too soon and we risk losing it and our chance may be gone for decades.

    Steady, steady does it.

  25. barpe4 says:


    Excellent post, we have a great set of people, now in WM and also in Holyrood – trust them to lead the way ( they’ve not done a bad job thus far!).

  26. Woof! Woof! Once again. Give the dug a biscuit 😀

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