Following from a disastrous weekend, Jim Murphy has had a manic fundilymundily. On one of his megaphonic irn bru crate assisted standabouts in Glasgow, yelling at passers by who don’t give a toss, he was met by an equally small group of independence supporters yelling at Labour politicians and activists who don’t give a toss either. And Eddie Izzard was there too, for extra glam and star appeal. Although for some bizarre reason Eddie thought that extra glam meant doing what was, to be fair, a pretty good impression of Johann Lamont. Some handbags were drawn at dawn – or at least before noon – there was allegedly a bit of shoving, there was definitely a spot of yelling, and it was the Smugurph’s egg moment all over again, this time with lipstick. Help help, Jim’s being oppressed and underdoggy. Vote for him out of sympathy.
How very dare the punters not stand in silent reverence to listen to the words of the Rev Jim, for Jim preacheth the path to salvation. At least the salvation of his career. Indeed in the last few days of the campaign saving Jim’s career is what Labour is all about. Jim and Wee Dougie and Magrit. The rest of the Labour party is being left to its own devices. This is why Jim has been banging on about another fundilymundily referendum, he’s hoping to attract the support of Tory voters in the Mearns. Only the Tories can save Jim now. Jim doesn’t do irony, so it’s just as well that the rest of us do.
But instead of quiet reverence and grateful oohs at how convincing Eddie is at impersonating Johann, there was carnage. This is what happens when people stop listening to Labour you know, the very fabric of the universe unravels and chaos results. 30 Labour activists and four protesters are capable of bringing civilisation to its knees. Jim is all that stands between Scotland and the ravenous horde of a campaigner seeking a Subway moment. Although he did bugger off in a car as soon as the telly cameras had got some close up photies to make the crowd look bigger than it really was. So he didn’t do that much standing up. Jim’s job is done as soon as the BBC cameraman says it’s a wrap. And not the sort of wrap you get in Subway.
Jim was delighted as it distracted attention from the fact he was fundilymundily humiliated by Ruth Davidson in Sunday’s debate. The Action Krankie prefaced her remarks with an apology for being about to use unparliamentary language, and all over Scotland ears pricked up in the eager anticipation that Ruthie was about to call Jim a dickhead. But as it turned out she only called him a liar to his face. Which is just fair comment and considerably milder than what everyone else calls him, and all across Scotland ears sagged and people went “Och, is that it.”
“How very dare you,” replied Jim, offended that someone had said out loud what everyone has been thinking for years, like a man with a bad toupee who’s just been told that he’s wearing a lovely hat. Although he was even more offended that the Tory voters in the Mearns might be listening to Ruthie and not to him.
However the real highlight of the debate was Jim’s invention of a new word, no one is very sure what the word means, but no one cares. Very little that Jim says makes any sense anyway, but for the first time in his career Labour’s branch officer manager has actually made a positive contribution to Scottish public life. But by fundilymundily all was forgotten as the telly moved on to carnage rioting and outrage. Some Glaswegian people got shouty, and this is news. And, brace yourself, someone dropped a placard. No really. That’s littering that is, and that’s a crime. It’s a national disgrace.
It was Sean Clerkin who was giving Jim a run for his expenses claims in the shouty department. It is news that Sean Clerkin is shouty like it’s news that the Kardashians are botoxified attention seekers. Sean is indeed the Khloe Kardashian of the independence movement. Sean is best known, indeed is only known, for his confrontation of Iain Gray in a Subway sandwich shop in 2011. In an attempt at a sequel, Sean decided to confront Jim Murphy outside a subway station, megamouth to megamouth. Sean has also done his shouty demonstrating thing against the SNP, with whom he’s had a number of run ins. This won’t prevent the UK media from demanding that Nicla apologise for his behaviour.
According to the BBC, a minor outbreak of subrammyness, far less threatening than the scenes you’ll see outside just about every nightclub in the city on a Saturday night, was “absolute chaos on the streets of Glasgow”. This is the very same broadcaster which saw fit to describe the real violence and assaults perpetrated on Yes campaigners by baying Unionist mobs of fascists as “disturbances”. So not absolutely chaotic then.
However fundilymundily’s rammyette, according to the Scottish media, eagerly seeking something to discredit the evil nationalists, was the worst outbreak of street violence since the Siege of Constantinople in 1453. That one saw the collapse of a civilisation as well, although to be honest, describing the Labour party in Scotland as civilised is a bit of a stretch. Admittedly, so is describing them as sentient.
There has been a depressing litany of bad behaviour on the part of Unionists, bad behaviour which has actually resulted in real violence, court cases and convictions. There has been nothing comparable from the nasty nats. Yet the media focusses almost exclusively on the shoutiness of only one side, and it’s not the ones with a real track record of violence or spouting hatred. That’s what happens when an establishment is under threat, it lashes out, but its lashing out is entirely reasonable because the establishment – by definition – takes it upon itself to define what is or is not reasonable. In a desperate attempt to save themselves they’re trying to re-run the referendum campaign and whip up a few Tories to save Jim’s skin.
It’s not going to work, the establishment’s fundilymundily days are numbered.
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