It’s the final straight before the big vote, and Ed Miliband is channelling Spinal Tap and has turned the dial up to 11. He’s even got something to offer literalists who struggle with the concept of metaphor. Hell yeah it’s set in stone. He’s promised that if he’s elected he’ll commission a big structure with Labour’s manifesto promises carved into stone, which he’ll erect in the rose gardens at the back of 10 Downing Street. Ed’s wee spinning munchkins will dance around it while crooning his greatest hit – It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to. It’s going to be a permanent symbol of Ed’s commitment to cheap publicity stunts which achieve precisely nothing. So pretty much like the last Labour government then.

It’s the perfect symbol of the modern UK and what the welcoming place has become – a massive stone face bearing the legend Controls on Immigration. But of course it’s really a tombstone representing the death of common sense and decency, although they died in the Labour party a very long time ago.

Most people would settle for a potting shed or garden gnomes, but not Ed. Labour has already got lots of small tasteless plastic people. But it is a shame that the idea was ruled out as it would kill two birds with one stone, many of them will be redundant by the end of the week and they could take up a productive career as a blight on Ed’s garden instead of a blight on Scottish public life. Magrit Curran could sit with a wee plastic pole and fish for her expenses. The great thing about garden gnomes is that they never catch anything and have to sit motionless and silent. So there’s already three reasons why we’d love Magrit to take the gig.

Ed said that the stone would symbolise his commitment to keep his pledges and rebuild trust in British politics, a bit like Rory the Tory’s big pile of chucky stanes which was supposed to symbolise the eternal union between our two blesséd countries and which promptly vanished as soon as the independence referendum was out of the way. We can trust that Ed’s big stane will be equally irrelevant and impermanent, and within a week of the election it will be tied around the feet of the party’s Scottish strategists as they are tossed off the Labour boat as the recriminations get into full swing.

It’s very much in the tradition of Labour statements, presented in private before selected and invitation only audiences in venues that are not accessible to the general public. Only this time it’s in stone. It’s Edhenge, a big thick stone faced waste of space – a sort of Gordon Brown without any moving parts or expensive expenses claims, but about as sentient.

Sadly Edhenge won’t be coming with an altar stone upon which Jim Murphy can be disembowelled by the druid Iandavidsonix as a sacrifice to Shallogimmix, the Celtic god of Labour manifesto commitments and publicity stunts. Ian has already volunteered for the job, because Labour likes to get its infighting started early. I might have voted for that. But not to worry, the Labour party is doing a sterling job of bayonetting itself and Jim without any assistance. Originally the plan called for them to build a wicker man and stuff it full of straw, before setting fire to it and allowing it to combust in a bonfire of its own vanity, but they’ve already got Anas Sarwar as a vain self-regarding straw man whose career is in ashes, so it was deemed superfluous.

Edhenge is all a bit grandiose and over-compensatory for a man who struggled with a bacon sandwich. Just because it’s a big heavy lump doesn’t mean it’s got gravitas Ed. You can’t manufacture political solidity, you can’t fake sincerity. If Ed had really wanted a garden monument to keep him on his toes and not just some cheap publicity stunt that would generate a photo opportunity, he could have promised that he’d dig up the Downing Street rose garden and turn it into vegetable allotments to remind him that there are people in this country who can’t feed themselves and who have to rely on food banks because of government policies. If Ed really did have gravitas and sincerity he could have sworn that he’d only allow the roses to return once food banks had been abolished and that in the meantime he’d be spending all his working time working to abolish them, and all his spare time down on the allotment growing potatoes.

Ed is King Milibandias, look on his works ye mighty and giggle uncontrollably for a bit. The technical term for a useless hunk of stone that you plonk in your garden for decorative purposes is a folly. And a monumental folly is also a good description of Ed’s electoral strategy and his decision to tell Scotland and Wales that their votes only count if they vote for Westminster approved parties – otherwise he’s going to let the Tories get into power. Who is advising this clown?

Seriously. Ed Miliband is surrounded by people who thought this was a good idea, and not one of them thought to say “You do realise this is going to make us look like total idiots, don’t you?” Not one. And we’re supposed to trust this guy’s judgement?

Possibly the big stick of Edhenge rock is intended to be one of the obelisks from 2001, and its mere presence will impart sentience upon the rock bangers and head bangers surrounding it who will rapidly evolve into self aware beings. It will certainly raise the average IQ of the advisors who thought it was a good idea.

But it’s far too late for Labour to evolve into intelligent life, and Labour self-awareness died the day that they elected Tony Blair as party leader. On the eve of an election – they commission a tombstone. That’s the only symbolism that people will take from this latest idiocy.

Labour may be building a tombstone for itself, but its death will still go unmourned.

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34 comments on “Edhenge

  1. heathermclean19 says:

    Brilliantly witty again, as usual! Brought tears of laughter to my eyes this dreich, rainy Sunday morning.
    You posed the question who is advising Ed Milliband?
    It’s occurred to me that there may be some backstabbing opportunist careerists in the Labour Party who are setting Milliband up for a fall and are waiting in the wings to jump into the party leader position? Would I be way off in thinking this?

    • barpe4 says:

      Your thinking is absolutely spot on, in my opinion. Just a pity it will mean five more years of Tories because of that imbecile.

    • Absolutely heather. And not just Miliband who has already been contradicted by Harman, Burnham, Benn and Lammy over his “no deals with the S.N.P” stance. If the polls are correct, I believe within a short time after the election, Cameron will be replaced, probably by Johnson, due to his failure to achive an overall majority, for the second time. Exciting times.

    • Gordon O'Donnell says:

      Short answer– NO !

  2. jimnarlene says:

    “Shallogimmix”, sums Labour up nicely.

  3. imacg says:

    He must have been stoned..!

    Sadly, he might get in, sadly, we might have to work with them, but the idea of vegetables and an end to food banks is a good one to hang on to.

  4. Nigel Mace says:

    “Ed is King Milibandias, look on his works ye mighty and giggle uncontrollably” – and – “a sort of Gordon Brown without any moving parts” – I cried with laughter. Plus the title “Edhenge”. At your very best, Paul. Brilliant.

  5. Margo Sharp says:

    Excellent piece, well written. Keep it up please!


    Sent from my iPad


  6. johnmcgurk66 says:

    Keep it up Paul you made my Sunday morning ,as we get nearer polling day I still think this is just the start .Now that the people in Scotland realise we must all pull together to better all of us they will not stop until we have the kind of politics that we long for . Something that puts people first with real compassion.

  7. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Stunning piece again Paul. If I was a millionaire I would put this on huge billboards across Scotland for all to read.

    Really seriously how can anyone vote for this (Not) Socialist (Not) Labour party and sleep sound in their bed at night.

    It’s clear with this stone nonsense that (Not) Labour have put the final padlock on the door to reality and thrown away the key.

    Scotland needs politicians of a Social persuasion to fight for them but (Not) Labour ain’t it.

  8. Justin Fayre says:

    Ah give up. Ah must be fik or sumfin. Been hittin that ‘DONATE’ Button for yonks.
    Any chance you could just come through to Grangemouth and ahll buy you a phew pints instead.
    Off topic..Two statements I want banned from now on
    1. We’re fine as we are
    2. We were fine as we were

  9. Fantastic writing, Paul. Just read the actual story in the Guardian there. Unbelievable. Who does he think he is? Moses? Clearly a case of ideology has now been replaced by Iconology. What a dickhead. Words fail me which is why we have the dug! Biscuits on their way.

  10. WRH2 says:

    I think rubbish like this from leaders of any political party really, really shows how divorced they are from the people they expect to vote for them. Just what is the point of a manifesto on a lump of stone? After May 7th, regardless of who wins, all their pledges will be binned so how will they change the stone version?

    • Sue de Nymme says:

      The promises will be listed one above the other in the order of them being discarded. The edifice rex will be mounted on a hydraulic ram, and each push of a button on Ed’s desk will cause the thing do vanish a promise at a time. At the end, a gardener will place a lump of turf on top. It’s simply, really.

  11. Pam McMahon says:

    Chipping commandments out on blocks of stone? Even Moses would have discovered the internet by now.

  12. FergusMac says:

    Since this ridiculous stunt is in response to doubts about Mr Millband’s personal probity, I take it that he will pay for the stone himself.

    Any chance that he could walk through it and be transported back to the 1745 Jacobite Rising? He could take Ian Davidson with him, and let him enjoy bayoneting the wounded after Culloden.

  13. gavin says:

    And chiselled with hubris on his big chucky stane–
    “No Scots need apply “.

  14. arthur thomson says:

    I think this is one of your best pieces ever Paul. You put my feelings into words. Thank you.

  15. Jan Cowan says:

    As far as I’m aware red brick or concrete are the chosen building blocks south of the border. So why has stone become so important? Have they noticed during their recent discovery of Scotland that we favour the permanent solidity of stone buildings? Have they noticed that castles built high upon rocks have a definite control of the surrounding area?
    Whatever the reason Paul’s picture of Magrit fishing, permanent and immobile in the rose garden is delightful. Thanks, Paul.

  16. Come to think of it, Ed doesn’t think he’s Moses, he obviously thinks he’s God almighty.
    In light of the bacon roll though, he’s clearly more messy than messianic.
    Nevertheless, these guys with these kinda delusions sure as hell scare the shit out of me.

  17. Iain More says:

    Go forth and smite the Jockanites and claim the Promised Land. Bursts into a squawk of New Jerusalem and England green and pleasant land.

  18. Gavin C Barrie says:

    Edhenge does it for me. Great stuff. My comment over on Wings – Ed Miliband, son of an immigrant wants to chisel in Control of Immigration as bedrock policy! And disregard the expressed wishes of the ancient nation of Scots in his quest for power.

    Note to the National. Recommend you print this article in the coming days, even if you have to pay Paul a wee bonus!

  19. mogabee says:

    Every time I see or hear Millie on the box I’m reminded of this…

    “Empty vessels make the most noise”

  20. macart763 says:

    Iandavidsonix and Shallowgimmix, Goscinny & Uderzo would be so proud. 😀

    With more neck than a giraffe, Ed couldn’t have made his position toward Scotland any clearer over the weekend. A cross between blackmail and a game of chicken. He and DC have basically said, ‘choose between us because that’s the only choice on offer’…. Except its not.

    We can simply choose our own path. Remember, any government of whatever hue requires ‘willing’ legislators in Scotland to pass legislation upon Scotland effectively. The more pro Scotland MPs we send down, the more they will be forced to talk rather than rattle sabres. If more people throughout the UK vote with their heart and conscience for parties which truly represent their views, the less hold the two Tory parties would have over the Commons and the more representative the Commons becomes.

    Government is only as powerful as people allow it to be.

  21. givinggoose says:

    “Who is advising this clown?” Yup, probably what most sensible people are thinking. The Tory press will make the most of this stupidity and you can’t blame them! Great stuff, keep it up.

  22. SteveB says:

    Apparently it has been renamed The stone of density!

  23. Tony Sisi says:

    Hopefully it will become a monument to the fallen in battle,all victims of their own arrogance…Murphy….Alexander…Curran..I could go on…but the stone is not big enough for all the names….

  24. jdman says:

    they should hollow it out put a cludgie in it and stick a door on the back,
    they could call it Eddies stone shitehouse! 🙂

  25. Luigi says:

    Brilliant as ever, WGD. However, I can’t seem to shake that awful image of Magrit Curran sitting all by herself, on the banks of a wee pond, with a fishing rod. Yike!

  26. Stewart Glendinning says:

    Great Read as ever! Poor Ed, because No.10 is a Grade 1 Listed Building and Ed won’t be able to erect this pile of shit in the Rose Garden without first obtaining Listed Building Consent and full Planning Consent. To erect it without doing so would be an offence in which the strongest sentence is custodial. Now that would be Python-esque!

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