Greeting wee weans

Ed Miliband, the guy threatening to disembowel himself with a rolled up copy of the Daily Mail if Scotland votes SNP, came on a visit to Glasgow on Friday. It was a desperate attempt to shore up the rapidly collapsing dam holding up the Labour vote in Scotland, despite the fact that Ed has taken his finger out the dyke and then attacked it with a pneumatic drill. Perhaps that explains why Ed holds his hands in interviews like he’s slammed his fingers in the door.

Before the usual Labour mass rally – that’s the special Labour definition of mass rally, a small group of invited Labour party activists and the press – Ed gave a speech while outside protesters played the theme song to the Muppet Show. Which was unfair on the Muppets. Although like Labour their glory days are long in the past, the Muppets are actually remembered with affection and do still have fans that don’t work for them.

Ed wants us to think about our grandparents and how they would have voted and cast our vote accordingly. My late grandmother was a racist auld bigot who thought that African people rejected the Empire out of sheer pig headed ungratefulness. While Ed is certainly not a racist, I suspect that his understanding of why Scots are rejecting the Labour party is about as sophisticated as my grandmother’s understanding of colonialism in mid 20th century Africa.

Some in the party have a more Victorian understanding. Jack McConnell, the man they call Joke for a reason, told the Guardian that even if the combined number of Labour and SNP MPs is greater, if the Tories are larger than Labour then Labour would have to allow Cameron to form a government. Jack thinks making statements like this are helpful to Labour in Scotland. No, really. If the natives don’t do what the colonial governors want, they must be punished. If Labour and the SNP combined do form a majority in the Commons after Thursday’s vote, Jack’s comments will be repeated ad nauseam in the Tory press along with similar comments from Jim Murphy. But then the bitter-enders of Scottish Labour and their South African educated leader are willing to destroy Ed’s chances of replacing the Tories in their pathetic attempts to cling onto their own privilege and preference.

But Labour has let out a collective sigh of relief because the telly has forgotten there’s an election on because Willnkate had a baby. You may have noticed. Mostly the nation was grateful and happy because it meant that Nicholas Witchell could piss off and go home. Nicholas practically had an orgasm on the BBC news, so thrilled was he to be the centre of attention again. When there are no Royal events going on, Nicholas is kept in a coffin in the basement of Broadcasting House where he’s kept alive on a drip feeding him Royal Wedding memorabilia that’s been put through a blender.

The new Royal baby can’t be leapfrogged, said Nicholas, breathlessly reporting from his fire escape, as though the Windsors were world leaders in the struggle for women’s rights. A tiny rich minority who are handed privilege on a plate because they have a penis will be joined by a tiny rich minority who are handed privilege on a plate because they have a vagina. So no leapfrogging there then. The new Royal Succession Act doesn’t mention anything about swings and roundabouts.

Nicholas has been standing outside that hospital doorway for weeks now, but they’re still not letting him in. He’s wearing a pink and blue tie, which is the BBC’s definition of unbiased. Poor Nick has to stand outside with the red white and blue bedecked obsessives that he struggles not to call fans or stalkers, while telling us that this is a really private moment for Willnkate that’s receiving 24 hour rolling news coverage. Some of these people have a fashion sense that make Orange marchers look tasteful and understated. Some even have boas.

Over on Sky, his drag act equivalent Kay Burley was dangerously close to exploding. She keeps telling us how quickly it all happened, and you can sense her immense disappointment because she had been expecting to milk this for hours, if not days. This has taken us all by surprise says Kay, because Kay wasn’t paying attention in sex-ed classes at school and didn’t realise that pregnant women give birth.

Both Nicholas and Kay were gushing and hyperventilating to such an extent I was waiting for the security services to rush over at any moment and surround the pair of them with yellow tape before fingering them with a robot and then blowing them up safely. I would actually watch that. Hell, I’d pay to watch that.

Now there’s frantic speculation about what the sprog is going to be called. David Cameron reportedly wants them to call her Nicola in the hope that it might persuade Scotland that the UK loves us. She won’t be called Nicola after Nicholas Witchell, if she was named after Nicholas Witchell they’d have to call her Sycophancia, and that would be cruel. Others say the wean will be called Margaret Rose after the Queen’s sister, because the child can be given a role model by naming her after a gin-soaked wastrel who never did anything useful her entire life. Although to be fair, that’s a good description of the entire Royal family.

Attention then turns to how the new sprog’s brother will take the news. That’s easy enough to answer, he’ll act like a small toddler. Which is exactly how the UK media has been reacting to the news too, complete with wetting itself. Actually, that’s pretty much how the Labour party and the UK media have been reacting to the prominence of Scotland and the rise of the SNP in the General Election as well – with jealousy, stamping of feet and temper tantrums and throwing its toys out of the pram.

An aged and demented political party dies after succumbing to the sclerosis of the British establishment, and TV news greets the birth of an aristocrat who is a part of the British establishment from day one. That sums up where the UK is going, and why it’s in desperate need of reform. We need to vote for real change on Thursday. Let’s make them greet like wee weans.

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26 comments on “Greeting wee weans

  1. Thepnr says:

    Makes you so proud to be British! Does it not? Naw, me neither.

  2. Marie Clark says:

    Naw I’m no proud to be British either. It’s just another yin tae keep oot o’ the public purse i.e. your pocket and mine.

    Mind you, the only upside is it might jist gie’s piece fae the politicians fur a day or two.

  3. Justin Fayre says:

    Meanwhile Grouse Beater has come up with a belter.
    SNP should throw a wee tantrum of their own and state publicly that they will only work with Labour if Ed Miliband is replaced as leader.
    Love it.

    • Marconatrix says:

      I’d say that was very much on the cards anyway, in the likely event of no Labour majority. The Labour Party must still harbour a few closet socialists, democrats and above all pragmatists … not to mention the smell of power, even if constrained by compromise. They’re probably hard at work on the spin as we ponder …

    • Jan Cowan says:

      Do they have such a thing, Justin? Balls? If any thing, worse!!
      Paul, I’m sure your Gran was not alone in her ideas but had she been alive today your coaching would most certainly have turned her around and made her immensely proud of her grandson.
      Keep us laughing by highlighting the foolishness of royalty etc. You know how to present an honest picture. Wonderful!

  4. Andrew Brown says:

    Paul, sheer genius once again. You’ve certainly got wee Nicolas Witchell’s character nailed. Even the Royals can’t stand him, I remember Charlie calling him “that awful man”.

    PS. For any Brigade 77 types out there, I’m too am a republican who doesn’t feel remotely British.

  5. Tony Sisi says:

    My first condition would be the dismissal of 700 Lords a Leaping and an elected body of 100 as an Upper House…this would save millions…get rid of Lords McConnel…Forsythe…Wallace…Stevens…Gorbals Mick Mandleson and those pricks Foukes and George Robertson…..and shut the door on the defeated Labour lot queuing up for their Ermine and £300 per day….and REALLY let the whole U.K.see that the SNP can and will do things differently with no hereditary peers or party cronies getting life pensions from us.Bet it would be a VERY popular move with all of the electorate.

  6. Tinto Chiel says:

    Was it not traditional on the occasion of a royal birth for The Morning Star to complain about an increase in the number of benefit scroungers?

    Seems reasonable to me.

  7. gavin says:

    The passing of a privileged elite is always an ugly thing.
    As the Labour Huns attack the Labour Tims.
    The wee Royal wean won’t be the only greetin’ face, come Friday.

  8. Sychiphsncia! Gah!

  9. jdman says:

    ” I would actually watch that. Hell, I’d pay to watch that.”
    I would pay for the bloody explosives!
    woops thats me on a terrorist watch at GCHQ. 😦

    It was great to meet you again the other day Paul.

  10. Rhisiart Gwilym says:

    Dug, maybe it’s because you’re from Valencia, but here the proper way to refer to that family is the Windsors; the matriarch being Mrs. Elizabeth Windsor. The young parents are Mr William Windsor and Ms Kate Middleton. It’s an egalitarian republican thing. You’ll have to get used to it if you’re going to stay in Scotland!

    Just for the sake of humanity, though, welcome and good luck to the wee new-born. Politics aside, every baby, no matter what, deserves that.

  11. bedelsten says:

    Funny how when, if you skim read, your brain sometimes makes up content which can make more sense than the original. When I misread ‘career’, is in the career of JM BA (failed), to ‘carer’ of said same, it all fell into place; this standing at street corners shouting at the passing crowd is a form of care in the community, therapy for some (or many) past misdemeanours. Why there are so many carers shrouding the poor miscreant from public gaze is difficult to judge. If concealment from public gaze is deemed necessary, Scotland has many better locations for this sort of activity – the Shelter Stone by Loch Avon perhaps, or the top of Suivlen, Ailsa Craig perhaps or out into the Atlantic where there is sweet Rockall.

  12. imacg says:

    looking forward to the aftermath and your dissection of it, keep it coming my man..!!

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