Ed Miliband, the guy threatening to disembowel himself with a rolled up copy of the Daily Mail if Scotland votes SNP, came on a visit to Glasgow on Friday. It was a desperate attempt to shore up the rapidly collapsing dam holding up the Labour vote in Scotland, despite the fact that Ed has taken his finger out the dyke and then attacked it with a pneumatic drill. Perhaps that explains why Ed holds his hands in interviews like he’s slammed his fingers in the door.
Before the usual Labour mass rally – that’s the special Labour definition of mass rally, a small group of invited Labour party activists and the press – Ed gave a speech while outside protesters played the theme song to the Muppet Show. Which was unfair on the Muppets. Although like Labour their glory days are long in the past, the Muppets are actually remembered with affection and do still have fans that don’t work for them.
Ed wants us to think about our grandparents and how they would have voted and cast our vote accordingly. My late grandmother was a racist auld bigot who thought that African people rejected the Empire out of sheer pig headed ungratefulness. While Ed is certainly not a racist, I suspect that his understanding of why Scots are rejecting the Labour party is about as sophisticated as my grandmother’s understanding of colonialism in mid 20th century Africa.
Some in the party have a more Victorian understanding. Jack McConnell, the man they call Joke for a reason, told the Guardian that even if the combined number of Labour and SNP MPs is greater, if the Tories are larger than Labour then Labour would have to allow Cameron to form a government. Jack thinks making statements like this are helpful to Labour in Scotland. No, really. If the natives don’t do what the colonial governors want, they must be punished. If Labour and the SNP combined do form a majority in the Commons after Thursday’s vote, Jack’s comments will be repeated ad nauseam in the Tory press along with similar comments from Jim Murphy. But then the bitter-enders of Scottish Labour and their South African educated leader are willing to destroy Ed’s chances of replacing the Tories in their pathetic attempts to cling onto their own privilege and preference.
But Labour has let out a collective sigh of relief because the telly has forgotten there’s an election on because Willnkate had a baby. You may have noticed. Mostly the nation was grateful and happy because it meant that Nicholas Witchell could piss off and go home. Nicholas practically had an orgasm on the BBC news, so thrilled was he to be the centre of attention again. When there are no Royal events going on, Nicholas is kept in a coffin in the basement of Broadcasting House where he’s kept alive on a drip feeding him Royal Wedding memorabilia that’s been put through a blender.
The new Royal baby can’t be leapfrogged, said Nicholas, breathlessly reporting from his fire escape, as though the Windsors were world leaders in the struggle for women’s rights. A tiny rich minority who are handed privilege on a plate because they have a penis will be joined by a tiny rich minority who are handed privilege on a plate because they have a vagina. So no leapfrogging there then. The new Royal Succession Act doesn’t mention anything about swings and roundabouts.
Nicholas has been standing outside that hospital doorway for weeks now, but they’re still not letting him in. He’s wearing a pink and blue tie, which is the BBC’s definition of unbiased. Poor Nick has to stand outside with the red white and blue bedecked obsessives that he struggles not to call fans or stalkers, while telling us that this is a really private moment for Willnkate that’s receiving 24 hour rolling news coverage. Some of these people have a fashion sense that make Orange marchers look tasteful and understated. Some even have boas.
Over on Sky, his drag act equivalent Kay Burley was dangerously close to exploding. She keeps telling us how quickly it all happened, and you can sense her immense disappointment because she had been expecting to milk this for hours, if not days. This has taken us all by surprise says Kay, because Kay wasn’t paying attention in sex-ed classes at school and didn’t realise that pregnant women give birth.
Both Nicholas and Kay were gushing and hyperventilating to such an extent I was waiting for the security services to rush over at any moment and surround the pair of them with yellow tape before fingering them with a robot and then blowing them up safely. I would actually watch that. Hell, I’d pay to watch that.
Now there’s frantic speculation about what the sprog is going to be called. David Cameron reportedly wants them to call her Nicola in the hope that it might persuade Scotland that the UK loves us. She won’t be called Nicola after Nicholas Witchell, if she was named after Nicholas Witchell they’d have to call her Sycophancia, and that would be cruel. Others say the wean will be called Margaret Rose after the Queen’s sister, because the child can be given a role model by naming her after a gin-soaked wastrel who never did anything useful her entire life. Although to be fair, that’s a good description of the entire Royal family.
Attention then turns to how the new sprog’s brother will take the news. That’s easy enough to answer, he’ll act like a small toddler. Which is exactly how the UK media has been reacting to the news too, complete with wetting itself. Actually, that’s pretty much how the Labour party and the UK media have been reacting to the prominence of Scotland and the rise of the SNP in the General Election as well – with jealousy, stamping of feet and temper tantrums and throwing its toys out of the pram.
An aged and demented political party dies after succumbing to the sclerosis of the British establishment, and TV news greets the birth of an aristocrat who is a part of the British establishment from day one. That sums up where the UK is going, and why it’s in desperate need of reform. We need to vote for real change on Thursday. Let’s make them greet like wee weans.
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