The last squawk

Oh furgodssake. I was planning an evening putting my feet up, scoffing at the debates on the telly like a normal person, and then having an early night with a box set of Battlestar Galactica and a meringue, and Ed Miliband only goes and spoils it all by putting the final nail in Jim Murphy’s coffin. So I have to write something, and there’s me been resisting temptation all day.

So, deep in the rain forests of South America, linguists discovered a parrot that was the last speaker of a language whose human users had long since died out. All that’s known of this language are a few words squawked by a parrot which has no idea what they mean. And that’s also a fair description of socialism and the Labour party in Scotland. But parrots at least can have bright red plumage, there’s nothing red left about Labour.

It hasn’t been easy resisting the temptation to blog something. Labour is the satirical gift that keeps on giving. First off there was David Blunkett complaining that the biggest threat to democracy was that people in Scotland aren’t listening to Labour any more, and not you know, that Labour should maybe be listening to Scottish people. In Blunkettworld it’s the job of the electorate to listen to political parties. If he believes that then it explains a whole lot about Labour’s behaviour when in office, and illustrates perfectly why Labour needs to be held to account by a big bloc of SNP MPs standing over them with a voting lobby baseball bat.

Then Jim Murphy had a car crash of an interview on Reporting Scotland with Sally Magnusson. In the normal scheme of things a Labour politician getting a rough ride on Reporting Scotland is like the princess complaining that there’s a pea under her pile of mattresses. However Jim’s been lying in Labour’s pee for so long that even Reporting Scotland can no longer ignore the stench. Jim spent the entire interview not answering any of the questions Sally put to him, preferring instead to squawk about Davie Cameron rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of Scotland voting for a party that hates him even more than Labour does. This may make sense in Jim’s universe, but it doesn’t in anyone else’s. Sally didn’t give him a cracker, and a few more undecided voters decided that they weren’t going to vote for Jim’s bonhomie of the bonfire, smugging while Labour burns.

So there was that, and then came the leader interviews on Question Time when Davie, Nick and Ed faced questions from punters. All of them were keen to let us know that they hold no truck with any deals with the SNP because the SNP are communist nazi feminist misogynists who want to break up this great country of ours. Now there are some languages, some of which may be spoken by parrots in the Amazon, which have more than one word for “our”. There’s the our in the sense of “belonging you me, you, and others”, and there’s the our in the sense of “belonging to me and others but not you”. UK politicians demonstrate a new sense of the word our in the phrase “this great country of ours”, and that would be “belonging to me and others but not Scottish people”. Because they’re all quite determined that Scottish voters will get no say in how it’s governed.

Just when you thought that Labour in Scotland was already closer to an extinction event and deeper in the doo doo than a paralytic parrot with dysentry, Ed Miliband went and made it worse. No really, it was possible to do that and Ed did. Hell yeah. He tied the Murphmacaw up in a sack full of bricks and tossed him in the Union Canal. Then he jumped up and down on top of the sack to make sure that it sank to the bottom, getting himself half drowned in the process.

Ed said that he would prefer that there was a Tory government than do any sort of deal with the SNP. All over Scotland people were saying – did he say what I thought he said? Eh? Did that actually happen there? Noooo. Here put that telly on rewind and let me hear that bit again. Well in the name of the wee man. He did so. He did so say that. The last remnants of Labour support shrivelled and died from shame and embarrassment and the twitter trolls retreated under their bridge just as the bridge collapsed. Labour’s last supporters fell silent and you could hear a feather drip canal watter. Vote Labour or Ed and the Labour party will make damn sure you get the Tories to punish you for daring to think for yourself. And you thought extorsion was illegal.

He did try to backtrack a bit, and if you looked at the fine print he hadn’t actually ruled out anything much. The SNP have already ruled out a coalition, Ed has now ruled out a confidence and supply deal. So we are left with the possiblity of a minority government where Labour has to try and pass more than gall stones, and it can only do that by not pissing off other parties whose support it’s going to need. So not off to a good start then. Labour doesn’t know how to share.

But there was no doubt about the sentiment – one shared by all three party leaders – Scotland isn’t welcome in the Union if it doesn’t behave itself and vote the way Westminster wants. So there you have it. Remember all that guff last year about families of nations and Scotland punching above its weight and being valued and loved? Remember Ed telling us that if he was Prime Minister he’d give Scotland home rule? Ed Miliband is still more afraid of the Tory press than he is of five million pissed off Scottish people. It’s up to us now to show him who he really needs to be scared of.

The Union is a dead parrot, and it’s blue.

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63 comments on “The last squawk

  1. daibhidhdeux says:

    Oi, Dug! Steady on the “boidz” stuff!

    Am listening to PRIMAL SCREAM’S “Rock the Boat (7” Mix)” with my Cockatiel, Nina-Chan, whilst the boy Budgie, P-Chan, boogies along, and Bambolina, the gal Budgie, looks on bemused as I do a dance to the prospect of NIL Unionist Pandas left in Scotland come the #last UKGE (?) election coming to our doorsteps soon!

    ROCK THE BOAT!!!!!!!!!!

  2. […] The last squawk […]

  3. Marconatrix says:

    When I read “doo-doo” I couldn’t help thinking of that most famous of extinct creatures, the dodo. Once upon a time a group of nice sleek moderately intelligent pigeons colonised a rather nice tropical island where life was easy with little competition and no nasty predators (or even creditors). Thus they grew, big and fat and slow and lazy and looked rather stupid as they waddled about no longer able to fly. I’m sure they were very pleased with themselves and hadn’t the faintest idea what fate dear old Mother Nature had in store for them, probably out of kindness … Remind you anything? 😉

  4. imacg says:

    Who’s a pretty silly boy then…? unbelievable… great stuff again weegee dug..!!

  5. Sue de Nymme says:

    Fortunately I knew to stop eating breakfast while I read your post, otherwise when I got to a “paralytic parrot with dysentery” I wouldn’t be able to type this. Brilliant!

  6. mclog22 says:

    The most important question is, new or old Battlestar Galactica?

  7. Marie Clark says:

    Yep Dug, like yourself the first reaction was, WHIT! did he really say that. Well that was Murphy’s erse well and truly oot the windae.

    They don’t love us oany mair Paul, but the still don’t get us do they. Five million bad Scots who’ll no dae whit they’re telt, whit will they dae wae us noo? Sling us oot this magnificent union mibies, noo there’s a thocht.

    Bet that they wish now that they had left us to our own devices last year. They all thought that we would go quietly back into our boxes didn’t they. AYE RIGHT.

    They really really do not understand Scotland nor her people .

  8. Poster seen at Central Station:


    Anyone with information as to its whereaboots please contact:
    (in the complete absence of Fatty Carmuckle), Jim the Spud c/o
    The Labour Party, Englandshire.

  9. Albawoman says:

    Many thanks for your fab writing. I awoke this morning beeling from the total insults of the folk who pass as UK leaders. There you were waiting for me. My morning cup of tea was even more enjoyable with a good laugh and the truth.

  10. says:

    Reblogged this on Bampots Utd.

  11. Steve Asaneilean says:

    You couldn’t make it up really. Just when I think I’ve made my last leap into a parallel universe another one comes along.

    It just as you say paul – they love democracy – just not when it’s of the Scottish variety.

  12. FergusMac says:

    Next Thursday night – The Bonfire of the Numpties.

    Just asked my wife, and we have popcorn in.

  13. WRH2 says:

    The one thing they don’t understand is the meaning of democracy and they are now getting a crash course in it. The trouble is they just aren’t doing their homework and trying to get to grips with the concept even with Scottish voters repeatedly rapping their knuckles since 2007. I can see a big,fat fail on their report cards come Thursday.

  14. macart763 says:

    I couldn’t believe my ears either Paul. After listening to decades of the tartan tory myth, over the space of a referendum and a GE campaign Labour have shown their true colours for all to see. Except its not colours, as in multiple or more than one. Its a single colour and its blue. They finally betrayed the democratic principle of both the union of parliaments and the Labour party movement in one moment of madness. He’s effectively said – ‘Sod parliamentary democracy and I’d rather see the haves in power than see the have nots represented in any way shape or form’.

    The whole of Better Together’s premise for union continuance, the whole premise of the union blown completely out of the water in just a few moments of electoral madness. The SNP have went out of their way to accommodate the result of the referendum. For the first time in their history, their manifesto specifically excluded the right to independence on popular mandate. They shouted it from the rooftops at every opportunity they got. They went out of their way to offer a hand of alliance to work with other progressive parties within the Westminster parliament. They offered Ed the big chair on a plate with no formal strings and the result was…

    … “Let me just say this to you, Simon: if it meant that we weren’t going to be in government, not having a coalition, not doing a deal, then so be it.” Ed Milliband

    There you have it folks – Better Together.

    • Saor Alba says:

      “He’s effectively said – ‘Sod parliamentary democracy and I’d rather see the haves in power than see the have nots represented in any way shape or form’.”

      Very well put macart763.
      Exactly so!

  15. Tsar Nicholas says:

    As an inhabitant of the rUK, who would hate to see you guys and gals leave, I thought this appalling. The three main UK parties spent months wooing you to stay, and have ever since September 18th devoted all their energies to slagging you off and presenting you as a bunch of Tartan wearing jihadis.

    I am not sure that left-inclined voters in England and Wales will take too kindly to what he said either.

  16. Mumsy says:

    I was laughing so hard my 1 year old grand-daughter was bemused! Seriously though it’s like a country under occupation. How can they say they won’t work with a democratically elected party?? I despair that their Project Fear worked at the Indyref. Mind you I also think there was some jiggery pokery! Julian Assange doesn’t think we are paranoid!

  17. Doug Porteous says:

    Ok how about this neither Cameron nor Miliband can get enough seats to form a majority or coalition government and both are reluctant to become minority governments, both are sacked by their respective parties.

    The SNP, Plaid Cymru and the left wing of labour plus the few sensible Tories and even possibly Sinn Fein get together and form a minority government. Angus Robertson is summoned to the Palace and becomes the First SNP and possibly last Prime Minister of the UK.

  18. gavin says:

    Four political Parties based in London.
    All four led by white, middle-aged, very wealthy Englishmen.
    All four Leaders have now stated they will have nothing to do with the biggest, and most popular political Party based in Scotland, if they are elected.
    Grand Coalition of Blue Crested Great tits, anyone ?
    If there is a Britnat wipeout, and there is a referendum in, say 5 years, then there will be no Scottish Big Beast politicians left, to front up a Unionist referendum campaign.
    Worth thinking about, especially if the SNP are cold shouldered at Westminster.

  19. re wee shithead alexander:

    “Nationalism never built a school.”

    So the 526 new schools built or refurbished by the SNP since 2007 just don’t exist, right? How stupid do they really think the Scots are?

    i’m getting angry now. That wee shithead’s a disease.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Well I know of at least one, called Carnegie Primary School, opened by our then FM Alex Salmond here in Dunfermline.
      Got really angry when I heard that women Flint say that the SNP had never built any houses given Labour’s record in Government as the Scottish Executive who built 6, yes 6. The SNP have built thousands since 2007. Surely even Labour Voters know that.

  20. david agnew says:

    Now suddenly, after all this time the Dead Parrot Sketch is running through my head with Jim Murphy as the Store assistant as Scotland as the angry customer:

    This Union is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet ‘its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘it to the perch it’d be pushing up the daisies!

  21. “All of them were keen to let us know that they hold no truck with any deals with the SNP because the SNP are communist nazi feminist misogynists who want to break up this great country of ours.”

    parsed for hypebole.

    “All of them were keen to let us know that they hold no truck with any deals with the SNP because the SNP… …want to break up this great country of ours.”

    which is actually quite a reasonable long term position for a unionist party to take.


    “Ed Miliband is still more afraid of the Tory press than he is of five million pissed off Scottish people.”

    that’s just the standard snp game of acting like the snp and scottish people are synonymous.

    there are 4.2ish million registered voters in scotland not 5 million and of those 4.2 million 22% are intending to vote for the current coalition parties so we can easily cut nearly a million off that 4.2 too.

    it could also be argued that some Labour supporters (maybe most cos the labour suppoters that are left in scotland are much more likely to be no voters than this time last year: looks like all the yessers are voting snp) would be pissed off to see labour offering succour to the snp.

    from a wm persepctive the snp have a long termist separatist strategic agenda and short termist anti-tory work with labour tactics.

    any tactical decision on the part of a uk party has to also include strategic concerns. miliband is thinking about what will happen to labour’s vote in england in 2020 if he is percieved as having disenfranchised english voters or even to have hastened the break up of the union.

    it seems like folk aren’t seeing that if miliband had pulled the snp to his bosom then labour would lose badly in england in 2015 for tacking to the left.

    sure the prospect of a snp/lab pact plays well among left wing labour voters in england who aren’t going to vote tory anyway but to undecideds in marginals it’s not necessarily the same story.

    similarly a post election deal would stuff labour for 2020.

    imagine if there’s a new ref in 2020 and labour have been cosy with ethsnp for 5 years?

    it would totally devastate labour in england and wales.

    also it feels like many scottish commentators are just ignoring the fact that there are more undecideds in england and wales than there are people who say they will vote snp in scotland.

    undecidedas are running about 10-12% and that’s of about 37 million voters.

    so there may even be more undecideds in england and wales right now than there will be voters in scotland next week.

    • Calgacus says:

      And your point is caller?

      • Sue de Nymme says:

        Ewan’s point is a very valid one. Looking outside Scotland to evaluate how English voters, especially those still undecided whether to vote for a right wing blue or a right wing red, are what Ed and David will concentrate on.

        This is not a time for complacency. This is a time to look at the risks and probabilities. That was the point.

        • farci says:

          +1 to Sue de Nymme. English voters have lapped up the SNP Separatistas scare story. Millibean has calculated that SLAB is a lost cause for the next five years, His only logical move to get more votes darn sarf was to play the SNP Bogeyman.

          The alternative is for Lab/Con to have a confidence and supply arrangement to keep Scotland down! Oh- wait a minute..!!

      • Bill McLean says:

        “undecided are running about 10-12% and that’s about 37 million voters” Eh? When did the population of the UK reach 370 million plus? Or is there a misprint or a misspeak or …..?

    • Steve Asaneilean says:

      But the reality remains Ewan that, in Scotland, the SNP look set to win over 50% of the seats with over 50% of the vote.

      Were that to happen and then the SNP were to be effectively “locked out” of Westminster how do you think that will play with the people of Scotland? And how many people in England will object to such a shunning of the democratic process?

      In FPTP we have a system for Westminster elections that the main Westminster parties continue to defend to the hilt but when it turns round and bites their bottoms they say “that’s not fair and you can play in our game any more”. Yet for generations they have been more than happy to give Westminster governments of what ever persuasion carte blanche to do what they like on the basis that barely a third of the population voted for them.

      On what plant could that be regarded as democratic?

    • Charles Edward says:

      I understand the position Labour are in as a genuinely misread situation.

      Working with the SNP has been discounted in order to preserve whatever sanctity the Labour Party believes it has.
      This blessedness which demands your devotion, it’s values and threadbare heritage tapestry don’t mean the same after I read the WBB. They have zero credibility when you have an individual like Jim Murphy attached.

      Ed should have turned it around. On TV he should have said sorry. He should have explained how after much thought he realised he was wrong. He should have embraced the SNP and openly declared how he was going to start listening to what people need.
      To stop staring at some painting of Venus at dawn and actually get out and take in the whole constellations of real world issues affecting All.

      Of course that would have pushed Mr. Jim off the ship of fools but Labour needs rid of dead-weight if the want to catch the tide. Think of all the new crew he could have assembled. Rallying a Dunkirk style flotilla, people who might never have sailed before climbing on board, swimming out and clinging on the sides. That’s how Dad did it..
      Eclipsing previous Labour incarnations, a new manifesto for people starting now.

      Too late Baby.
      Ed missed a trick.
      Like a demented Captain Nemo he’s going straight into the vortex.

  22. xsticks says:

    Scottish Labour, UK Labour and the union are ALL “deeper in the doo doo than a paralytic parrot with dysentery”

    “This could be the last time” springs to mind. The beginning of the end for the ‘United’ Kingdom and its Neolithic political system. Can’t come soon enough.

  23. anguth says:

    Reblogged this on shoolyboo.

  24. David says:

    It was the settled will of the people of Scotland on September 18 2014 just like the elderly person who is afraid of going out in the dark has made it their settled will to stay in at night. Ed and Jim and Gordon the loose cannon have never understood this. So Ed has now settled the nerves of middle England by declaring SLAB RIP and my settled will to deliver an SNP MP is now more settled than it ever was..

  25. deedee says:

    FFS has he not been watching. Did he not see how we reacted when we LOST the referendum. So how does he think we’ll react when we WIN and are ignored. Socialist Scotland 2015 sold out for middle England Tory votes.

  26. Irene Danks says:

    Oh thank you, Paul…Labour trying to pass something other than gall stones…so glad I wasn’t drinking anything!

  27. arthur thomson says:

    @ tickle McNichol

    You appear to imagine that the people who share this site don’t understand the finer points of unionist motivation and political strategy. We do. We really do. We just like to mock it. So unless you want to join in the mockery please go away. Unionists are joyless people. I for one did not appreciate your anal retentive contribution and I hope I am making you feel sufficiently unwanted to deter future contributions.

    • Sue de Nymme says:

      Personally, I don’t profess to understand the finer points of anything which I have studied in my 70 years on the planet and I am very happy to read other people’s points of view. Let us keep this blog in its humourous and good natured state. Telling contributors that they are joyless and that they should go away is not the nature of charitable debate.

      • weegingerdug says:

        Very true Sue. I’m quite happy for anyone to comment here, even people who struggle to get the joke and who haven’t realised that satire is hyperbole. [rolls eyes]

        But it’s nice to be nice, and if you can’t be nice then at least be funny.

    • Mammy says:

      If you don’t like it don’t read it.sometimes the truth hurts just listen more carefully to what is being said about us as a people and you either allow them to decry us or treat them with the contempt they deserve. Go on son keep writing as it is now hitting a nerve.

  28. Rod MacKay says:

    Writing as a heterosexual man, I luv ya.
    Writing as a cat lover, the Dug is magic.
    I want to hug ye baith.

  29. Weegiewarbler says:

    I’m betting on a Tory/Lab Pact. It’s about all that’s left now.

  30. hektorsmum says:

    Another wonderful post Paul, love to Ginger, give him a bone. Helena

  31. Whitburnsfinest says:

    No, no, no…. Paul, you misunderstand. ‘Our’, as used by Mr Failed Degree and co is actually defined thusly:

    ‘WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! There went my seat in the house of lords!!!! It’s my God-given right; how dare those nasty Scots take it from me!!! I’m going to tell on them!!!!!!!!!!! Scotwand, get back in the shortbreid tin and WEAVE ME AWONE!!!!!’

  32. Mik says:

    Mosson, the patisserie I can see, but Battlestar Galactica? I don’t have you down as a popular sci-fi geek, or a meringue?

  33. Grasshopper says:

    Brilliant stuff Paul, away and get yer heid doon

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