John Major’s really upset. No really. He’s pure dead raging. There’s going to be mayhem in May. The last Tory PM before this one gave a speech today, and people all over the country said, “Who? Oh, right, the grey puppet guy from Spitting Image. Is he still alive then?”.
Some people in the hand picked audience of spittle flecked Tory pensioners didn’t fall asleep, that’s how raging John was. He’s raging at you, dear reader. You’re mental. You’re reckless and not in a Tory defector to UKIP sort of a way. Oh no, you are a clear and present danger to national security that’s going to require the combined efforts of Johnny English, James Bond (but not the Sean Connery one), that guy from the Kingsmen movie who’s dead posh, and a ninja columnist on the Telegraph to sort you out. Mind you, Alan Cochrane would put you off your dinner if he appeared in a zentai suit, although to be honest he does that anyway. Where’s yer Alicsammin downfall now then Alan eh? Tee hee.
Anyway, having tried and failed to purge my mind of the image of Alan Cochrane in stretchy lycra, John has returned from the silence of the shires to slap you down because you are, and I hesitate to say this, of a Scottish persuasion. You are a monster. And you look like you’re going to be deliberately Scottish at the General Election – you’re even doing it on purpose. That’s as much of a threat to all that is good and true and Great British family values as being gay was in the 1970s. It’s unadulterated evil, and it’s jolly well not on. You’d be marching in lycra next, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re in need of therapy after thinking about Alan Cochrane. Although as everyone who doesn’t work for the Telegraph knows, he’s the one in need of therapy.
But it’s OK. John has Scottish friends. He has friends like Michael Forsyth and the beardy guy in the properly unionist lycra suit who have their finger on the pulse of Scotland. They’re completely representative of Scottish opinion and have told him that it’s just fine to deprive Scotland of its democratic rights. “You can insult Scottish people John. Tell them it’s OK, you have Scottish friends.”
Scotland would only use democracy to keep Tories out of power, and that just isn’t on at all. That’s not what we’re Better Together for, Scotland is supposed to be that small bit at the top of the BBC weather map where few seats change hands at Westminster Elections. Yet now, just look what’s happened, Scottish people who aren’t friends of John are insisting on making things interesting. John doesn’t like it when things are interesting.
John knew this was going to happen. He warned us back in the 1990s that this devolution business was only going to end in tears. Tears for him and his Westminster pals that is. But oh no, some people decided that they had to let those Scottish people have a bit of democracy and now look what’s happened. He’s not naming any names but he’s pointing his finger at the Labour party. It’s their fault. It’s not the fault of the Tories for ignoring the democratic aspirations of Scotland for a decade and a half. Oh no. That’s just something Scotland has to suck up, being a part of this fine union.
John is shocked and appalled at the recent turn of events. You can tell he’s angry, because he audibly harrumphed. He may even be forced to tap his fingers on his podium and tell us about his torrid nights with Edwina. You’ll be sorry then, Scottish people.
Now Scottish people want more of it, democracy that is, not the Labour party or the Tories, and certainly not Edwina Curry. John has got used to Scotland not wanting the Tories but is alarmed because the Scots don’t want the Labour party either. Because that means something truly awful, even more awful than Alan Cochrane – it means that Scottish people are insisting that they ought to have a say in how the UK is run. The glittery stardust of a thousand lovebombs is choking Westminster to death.
“But you said …” chorus Scottish people, pointing to a Better Together leaflet that said how much the UK loves us, needs us, and values our contribution to British national life. We’re only doing what they told us they wanted. We’re injecting a dose of Scottish reality into the corridors of Westminster.
It’s just not on you know. This is not what Better Together was all about. Better Together was supposed to mean that Scotland was better for being ruled by Westminster, not that Westminster could be better for having Scotland tell it how to do things. Yet here we are, just over two weeks away from a General Election, and the most interesting thing that’s happening is John Major having a bit of a strop. Now if that’s not rubbish politics I don’t know what is.
John’s come back from the political grave to give some soapbox gravitas to his successors, the modern Tory exponents of rubbish politics. He’s been joined by the undead Michael Forsyth back from the political grave. Michael Forsyth chose politics as his career, he climbed to the top of the greasy pole of sycophants and became Thatcher’s man in Scotland, and he led the Scottish Tories to a total rout in 1997, losing every single seat the party possessed. It’s the only political achievement he’s ever managed. Michael is the failure’s failure, although he may be about to be surpassed by Jim Murphy who climbed to the top of an Irn Bru crate and destroyed the Labour party.
But the Tory warnings aren’t about Scotland at all really. They’re about shoring up the Tory vote in Englandshire and about delegitimising Scotland’s votes. When Scotland returns a large body of MPs who are deemed to be beyond the pale by a slavering media, then the Tories hope that they can cling onto power on the back of English votes alone. They screech that the SNP want to drive a wedge between Scotland and England while they take a sledge hammer to the foundations of the United Kingdom. With every editorial, every spittle flecked denunciation, they destroy what they claim to hold dear.
They told us they loved us, they told us they wanted us. Well we’re only giving them what they asked for, we’re being Scottish on purpose, we’re playing by their rules and kicking their arses in the process. A wise man once said that the secret of true wisdom was still to want what you longed for after you’d got it. There’s not much wisdom in Westminster. The union is done for, and it’s not Scotland that broke it.
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