Being Scottish on purpose

John Major’s really upset. No really. He’s pure dead raging. There’s going to be mayhem in May. The last Tory PM before this one gave a speech today, and people all over the country said, “Who? Oh, right, the grey puppet guy from Spitting Image. Is he still alive then?”.

Some people in the hand picked audience of spittle flecked Tory pensioners didn’t fall asleep, that’s how raging John was. He’s raging at you, dear reader. You’re mental. You’re reckless and not in a Tory defector to UKIP sort of a way. Oh no, you are a clear and present danger to national security that’s going to require the combined efforts of Johnny English, James Bond (but not the Sean Connery one), that guy from the Kingsmen movie who’s dead posh, and a ninja columnist on the Telegraph to sort you out. Mind you, Alan Cochrane would put you off your dinner if he appeared in a zentai suit, although to be honest he does that anyway. Where’s yer Alicsammin downfall now then Alan eh? Tee hee.

Anyway, having tried and failed to purge my mind of the image of Alan Cochrane in stretchy lycra, John has returned from the silence of the shires to slap you down because you are, and I hesitate to say this, of a Scottish persuasion. You are a monster. And you look like you’re going to be deliberately Scottish at the General Election – you’re even doing it on purpose. That’s as much of a threat to all that is good and true and Great British family values as being gay was in the 1970s. It’s unadulterated evil, and it’s jolly well not on. You’d be marching in lycra next, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’re in need of therapy after thinking about Alan Cochrane. Although as everyone who doesn’t work for the Telegraph knows, he’s the one in need of therapy.

But it’s OK. John has Scottish friends. He has friends like Michael Forsyth and the beardy guy in the properly unionist lycra suit who have their finger on the pulse of Scotland. They’re completely representative of Scottish opinion and have told him that it’s just fine to deprive Scotland of its democratic rights. “You can insult Scottish people John. Tell them it’s OK, you have Scottish friends.”

Scotland would only use democracy to keep Tories out of power, and that just isn’t on at all. That’s not what we’re Better Together for, Scotland is supposed to be that small bit at the top of the BBC weather map where few seats change hands at Westminster Elections. Yet now, just look what’s happened, Scottish people who aren’t friends of John are insisting on making things interesting. John doesn’t like it when things are interesting.

John knew this was going to happen. He warned us back in the 1990s that this devolution business was only going to end in tears. Tears for him and his Westminster pals that is. But oh no, some people decided that they had to let those Scottish people have a bit of democracy and now look what’s happened. He’s not naming any names but he’s pointing his finger at the Labour party. It’s their fault. It’s not the fault of the Tories for ignoring the democratic aspirations of Scotland for a decade and a half. Oh no. That’s just something Scotland has to suck up, being a part of this fine union.

John is shocked and appalled at the recent turn of events. You can tell he’s angry, because he audibly harrumphed. He may even be forced to tap his fingers on his podium and tell us about his torrid nights with Edwina. You’ll be sorry then, Scottish people.

Now Scottish people want more of it, democracy that is, not the Labour party or the Tories, and certainly not Edwina Curry. John has got used to Scotland not wanting the Tories but is alarmed because the Scots don’t want the Labour party either. Because that means something truly awful, even more awful than Alan Cochrane – it means that Scottish people are insisting that they ought to have a say in how the UK is run. The glittery stardust of a thousand lovebombs is choking Westminster to death.

“But you said …” chorus Scottish people, pointing to a Better Together leaflet that said how much the UK loves us, needs us, and values our contribution to British national life. We’re only doing what they told us they wanted. We’re injecting a dose of Scottish reality into the corridors of Westminster.

It’s just not on you know. This is not what Better Together was all about. Better Together was supposed to mean that Scotland was better for being ruled by Westminster, not that Westminster could be better for having Scotland tell it how to do things. Yet here we are, just over two weeks away from a General Election, and the most interesting thing that’s happening is John Major having a bit of a strop. Now if that’s not rubbish politics I don’t know what is.

John’s come back from the political grave to give some soapbox gravitas to his successors, the modern Tory exponents of rubbish politics. He’s been joined by the undead Michael Forsyth back from the political grave. Michael Forsyth chose politics as his career, he climbed to the top of the greasy pole of sycophants and became Thatcher’s man in Scotland, and he led the Scottish Tories to a total rout in 1997, losing every single seat the party possessed. It’s the only political achievement he’s ever managed. Michael is the failure’s failure, although he may be about to be surpassed by Jim Murphy who climbed to the top of an Irn Bru crate and destroyed the Labour party.

But the Tory warnings aren’t about Scotland at all really. They’re about shoring up the Tory vote in Englandshire and about delegitimising Scotland’s votes. When Scotland returns a large body of MPs who are deemed to be beyond the pale by a slavering media, then the Tories hope that they can cling onto power on the back of English votes alone. They screech that the SNP want to drive a wedge between Scotland and England while they take a sledge hammer to the foundations of the United Kingdom. With every editorial, every spittle flecked denunciation, they destroy what they claim to hold dear.

They told us they loved us, they told us they wanted us. Well we’re only giving them what they asked for, we’re being Scottish on purpose, we’re playing by their rules and kicking their arses in the process. A wise man once said that the secret of true wisdom was still to want what you longed for after you’d got it. There’s not much wisdom in Westminster. The union is done for, and it’s not Scotland that broke it.

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65 comments on “Being Scottish on purpose

  1. Marie Clark says:

    Well said Paul. I just said the same thing to my husband at lunch time. The Union is deid, and it’s the unionists that killed it.

    Bet the wish the had left us alone last September to follow oor ain destiny.


  2. scotsgeoff says:

    They really are, in their hatred for us, destroying the
    very Union they love.

    It is a joy to behold.

  3. Mammy says:

    How can they spit out their vile accusations at the scots and expect us to vote for them. Lesson How to win votes and influence people.
    I have not heard one word of encouragement to win any votes north of the border for any party.
    Watch out the brickies are gathering at the wall.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Mammy if the Brickies are gathering at the wall does that mean we get a big bit of England? One bloke used to rant and rave at those ignorant types about the Wall that it cuts through Newcastle, but as a load of English care as little about them maybe they should move it so that they are in Scotland.

  4. […] Being Scottish on purpose […]

  5. Anne Lawrie says:

    To add insult to injury, Edinburgh University have just given Alex Salmond an honorary degree & James Francis Murphy BA Politics (failed) still hasn’t even got one. There’s no justice in politics!

  6. […] was a strange interjection from a politician that people had either forgotten of completely – or – if they had remembered him at all – was synonymous with […]

  7. Still Positive. says:

    Annie Lawrie: it’s Glasgow Uni, my alma mater, who has given Alex the honorary degree.

    • Sandy says:

      Worth a check, but doesn’t Mr salmond already have an earned degree, while john major has none?

      • Mary Vasey says:

        Aye Alex got a 2:2 at St Andrews in Economics & Medieval History

      • Saor Alba says:

        I believe you are correct. Alec already has an earned degree and now has an honorary degree. This honorary degree is also earned – although not all those awarded are.
        It is also true that Mr Murphy nor Mr Major do not have a degree of any kind at all. However, that doesn’t make them bad people. It is just their stupid behaviour that makes them bad people.

  8. Still Positive. says:

    After the disappointment of Indyref and the unfolding events I had a feeling that our independence would come from something the English did and rob us of our chance to vote in a successful indyref2.

    I am now more than convinced that the union is finished, notwithstanding what is to come in the next couple of weeks, but I am so proud I did get to put my cross in the box marked YES.

    Brilliant as always Paul.

    • Saor Alba says:

      I agree. It is a very good feeling to know that the Yes box was ticked. I also am proud of that.
      To quote WGD: “A wise man once said that the secret of true wisdom was still to want what you longed for after you’d got it”.
      I want to vote YES once again!

      • Saor Alba says:

        After we have Independence, I will still want Independence. I am sure that we all will.
        A proud, capable, peaceful and skilful nation should always want be responsible for their own affairs, for better or worse.
        Saor Alba!

  9. WRH2 says:

    I was just about to snuggle down for the night but decided to read the Dug first. Now I’ll have nightmares for sure. Alan Cochrane in Lycra! Aargh!

    • weegingerdug says:

      I’m sorry. Really. If it’s any consolation, imagine what’s it’s like for me – these images pop into my head completely unbidden.

      • WRH2 says:

        You really have my sympathy. Mostly these kind of images don’t readily pop into my mind. However, the rest of the article seemed to have blotted out the image and I had a good night’s sleep. Now having a lunch break before more leafleting.

  10. Absolutely brilliant. Hate these Unionist bullies. Am sure our sensible English cousins must envy us . Apart from the Greens they have no true Democratic Party to vote for.

    • Saor Alba says:

      They should therefore, vote for the Greens and the Welsh should vote for Plaid or Greens. Simples.
      How can people keep falling for Unionist lies? It is insane to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
      However, there is hope and I detect a refreshing awareness developing over the border. Hopefully, people will begin to move towards Plaid, Greens or progressive regional parties.
      Democracy is a concept which is far too difficult for the Establishment parties.

  11. You know the scene in the gangster movie? – the one where the guy being chased fires his gun at his pursuers but misses every time. Then the gun ‘clicks’ instead of ‘bangs’ and he realises he’s out of ammo and cornered.

    There’s always that futile gesture of throwing the empty gun at the pursuers, just before he gets plugged once and for all…..

    Well the gangster is the Unionists ( how apt a metaphor is that? ) and John Major is the empty gun throw.

    Only in this movie he’ll probably stoop low and find a stone to throw, after the gun, in an equally futile gesture…

    that stone will be yer Gordie Broon.

    Out of ammo and cornered, I tell ye.

  12. Whitburnsfinest says:

    Haha, I just find it hilarious that some political strategist somewhere thought that wheeling John Major out to have his say was a good idea.

    I wonder if that’s a new tactic: well, they would reason, if Gordon Brown was let loose with a mic and a podium to deliver the vow, why not get another ex-PM, the only one more dull than Gordon himself, to see if they can use him to recreate the, er, magic….?!

  13. Gary says:

    Thanks, your article has made me glad to be alive! Long may my Scottishness annoy the life out of ‘Sir John’. And if that’s how HE feels then Thatcher will be turning in her grave. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside…

  14. Mary Vasey says:

    Smashing wgd, apart from the awful pic I now have of Cochrane yeuch, he made me puke before but now…

  15. macart763 says:

    Well said Paul and neatly summed up in that final sentence. Its just as many thought, Westminster will be Westminster.

    Their politics, their media, their narrative and their actions. They couldn’t help themselves and acted as predictably in the aftermath of the referendum as expected. Instead of wooing and rewarding an electorate which had narrowly granted them a second chance they set about punishing and othering a nation. They wanted to play at politics with a general election looming and use the populace of Scotland as bogeymen. So busy were they stabbing each other in the back in their race to see who picks the curtains in No. 10, they didn’t notice that their increasingly appalling behaviour toward Scots was finishing the very union investment they sought to protect only months earlier.

    But then their Better Together campaign was never really about us, about people or about social unity. Better Together was about 10% of their budget. It was about £1.5tr in bankable assets. It was about retaining a nuclear penis extension. It was about geo politics and it was about international prestige.

    The mindset post referendum appears to be ‘Scotland would be a brilliant place if it weren’t for the Scots’. The establishment are doing what they have always done, they are using people, their own people, as electoral coinage with neither thought nor care for the harm they cause. We’re figures on a balance sheet, acceptable collateral damage, just part of the game.

    This treatment will only get worse. Westminster believes they were given a blank cheque in September, a license to abuse. They are wrong and their own actions toward Scotland’s electorate will ensure that a second chance is coming.

    Needless to say, second chances in life are a rare thing and never, but never, to be passed up.

  16. Janis says:

    It’s all tactics. Simpley hate and demonise the snp and say they are bed partners with labour and surely the English will get spooked and vote tory. the Torys don’t care whether or not Scottish people vote for them. It’s all about discrediting labour. It is going to be interesting and sad if this crap works. If it does and we have 50+ mp in Westminster and there is a tory government I seriously think we should consider declaring independence.

  17. Robert Llewellyn Tyler says:

    John Major stated in 1993:

    “Fifty years on from now, Britain will still be the country of long shadows on cricket grounds, warm beer, invincible green suburbs, dog lovers and pools fillers and, as George Orwell said, ‘Old maids bicycling to holy communion through the morning mist’.”

    These are no doubt delightful images, but they are quintessentially English images.

  18. Sue de Nymme says:

    Oh I don’t know, chaps, his jolly speech really does have its moments when one does so want to guffaw.

    “Ours is a great and tolerant country, as free and honest in its dealings as any nation in the world. Even among our harshest critics, we have a moral authority few can match.”

  19. Angusthedug says:

    John Major – almost makes Gordon Brown look creditable.

  20. James says:

    “Jim Murphy who climbed to the top of an Irn Bru crate and destroyed the Labour party.”

    This is poetry…

  21. Robert Llewellyn Tyler says:

    “Ours is a great and tolerant country, as free and honest in its dealings as any nation in the world. Even among our harshest critics, we have a moral authority few can match.”

    The man must be insane if he honestly believes this.

  22. mary docherty says:

    Ah’ m delighted that so much fear has been ignited at the thought of thae Scotch folk haudin a PENCIL !!!

  23. smiling vulture says:

    First Time ever I’ve heard Thatcherite Tory’s saying vote Labour Scotland,to legitimise the Union.

    Tom Harris,Labour has an open letter asking for the Tory vote,playing the Unionist card as his last chance.

    • benmadigan says:

      they always play the Unionist card – ireland can tell you all you want to know about “playing the Orange card”
      Learn from history Scotland and do it differently

  24. “and about delegitimising Scotland’s votes”

    Completely right. Under Con governments the Scottish votes were largely wasted. Under Labour governments, they were largely ignored. The third option has them all running for the nearest old heavyweight that’s alive, and moderately trustworthy (although God know why they chose Brown, Blair or Major to convince Scots of anything).

    It’s as if they completely missed the reasons for why they were rejected, ignored warnings, ignored advice and plough ahead with their narrow views regardless. Hell mend them.

  25. hektorsmum says:

    I am away to pack some more boxes with a smile on my face, that took all my bad thoughts about JM off to a better place.

  26. Colin Church says:

    I am sure I recall during the Indyref Cameron said during a closed session TV gig in a financial house in Edinburgh (?Scottish Provident) that if we wanted rid of the effing Tories / give them a kicking it was not for the referendum but the GE – so vote no.

    So it was a no and the Tories will be kicked out by SNP. What is their problem?

    That is a clip that should be found and played back to them.

  27. Paul Wilson says:

    Colin, Yes I remember that too.

  28. Dr Benway says:

    John Major ran away from the circus to become an accountant.

  29. Saor Alba says:

    Paulgerardmccormack found and posted the following quote (on Wings) from the Wasteminster PM, as a comment on the remarks of the odious Digby Jones on TV.

    “It’s only Great Britain because of the greatness of Scotland, and the thinkers, writers, artists, leaders, soldiers, and inventors who have made this country what it is. So a NO vote means faster, fairer, safer and better change. And this is a vital point: Scotland is not an observer in the affairs of this country. Scotland is shaping and changing the United Kingdom for the better … and will continue to shape the constitution.”
    David Cameron 16th September 2014

    This didn’t mean anything at the time and doesn’t now. How could Scots be taken in by this rubbish?

    Patronising hypocrisy.

  30. macart763 says:

    Another barnstormer in the National today from the dug.

    Go buy one.

  31. James M.S. Cowey says:

    Brilliant! You managed to cram in so many allusions, quotes and digs. Gave me a really good laugh. Many thanks.

  32. Saor Alba says:

    I am “Scottish on purpose” and by tomorrow I will have the T-shirt to prove it.

  33. jomtaylor says:

    Lots of folk have already commented on how great this article is and I just wanted to say I concur. I have nothing new to add at the moment, having spent all my justified anger and surprise by leaving a comment in The Guardian (anger at the headline space John Major was given, surprised that he is still alive).

    However it is refreshing to find bloggers like yourself putting forward reasonable arguments to counter all the pro-Unionist rhetoric we are fed on a daily basis by the mainstream media which I now try and avoid like the veritable plague. I have to look through peeked eyes now and then on the basis of knowing your enemy!

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