The silence of the bams

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha … and breathe … hahahahahahahahaha. That’s been me for the past day and a half. The Murph E Coyote has looked down past his frantically spinning paws and has seen that he’s supported by nothing more substantial than the thin air of a BBC Scotland broadcast. Now Jim is plummeting into the canyon and taking the rest of the Labour party in Scotland with him. We’re just waiting for the cloud of dust and the satisfying smack of schadenfreude. Never has a political career come to such an embarrassing end since Iain Gray was waylaid by a cheese baguette and the baked goods of the grassroots.

The wheels have come off the Labour battlebus which was being driven by James Francis Murphy BA Politics (failed) yet still the bus has managed run into a ditch and flatten a kitten in the process. The wheels themselves have run Jim over and splattered his career like a hedgehog wearing a vote Labour rosette that took a wee daunner down the M74 into Jimmy Hood’s constituency. And that doesn’t even begin to describe the multiple flusterclucks which have beset Jim’s campaign to save the Labour party in Scotland as a springboard for his career.

A poor week started with the slagathon screaming match which BBC Scotland glorified with the title debate, in which Jim managed to show less self control than a serial fantasist with chronic diarrhoea and a sensitivity to women’s issues last seen in a caveman dragging his trophy wife out of the cave by her hair. It was such a gobsmackingly poor performance that not even the usual suspects could defend it on the interwebbies. And this particular episode has still to be reflected in a Scottish opinion poll. No wonder Kezia Dugdale was looking even more miserable than she usually does.

This was followed by an opinion poll which showed Labour’s support is being haemorrhaged more quickly than one of Hannibal Lector’s dinner guests. The pro-independence SNP and the Scottish Greens have between them the support of 55%. Oh the delicious irony. Iain Gray was done in by a sandwich, this is Jim’s yum yums of democracy.

Despite a near total onslaught of policy initiatives, promises of free jam for everyone, and the dubious claim that the Labour party in Scotland won’t implement any cuts, Labour is still losing support. The thing is it doesn’t matter what you say, promise or claim, if it comes out of the mouth of a man no one trusts then it’s not going to be believed. And no one trusts Jim. No one. A 1970s Radio One DJ at a girl guides’ party is more trusted.

And then the last tattered remnants of Jim’s trustworthiness were put through a mincer, diced, sliced, freeze dried and pounded into dust then blown out the window by his own party leaders. He was quite pointedly told by the big boys dahn sarf that he doesn’t get to say what cuts there will be. That’s Ed Baws who gets to decide that. Slap, kapowie, blam.

Jim was so affronted after being slapped about by Ed Baws and fried by Chuckie that he refused to appear on STV’s Scotland Tonight. And this is a man who makes the cast members of TOWIE seem camera shy. Instead he had to stay in and wash his rapidly greying hair, at least that part of it which he hasn’t torn out yet. It was the silence of the bams. His embarrassment was as terminal as Reporting Scotland story about the NHS. Which is a shame, because his glowing slapped face is the only red thing about him and displaying it might have made some viewers believe his claim to be a socialist, at least those who are would believe that Rylan had written a scientific paper about the application of quantum physics to teeth whitening and that the Large Hadron Collider is actually a tanning shop in Southend on Sea.

Which explains a lot – Jim’s the Rylan of politics, all presentation and brain dead content. Although to be fair Rylan does have better hair and teeth. If you take away the hair and teeth there would be nothing left of Rylan at all except a supreme lack of self awareness. And this is also true of Jim Murphy.

By Tuesday @JimforScotland was trying to get back on his feet, in the same way that a drunk man with his pants round his ankles tries to get back on his feet after falling face first in the gutter. Jim adopted the Twitter handle @JimforScotland in order to persuade the Rylan’s of this world that he puts the interests of Scotland first, although a more accurate Twitter handle for him would be @JimforJim. Jim has only ever put Jim’s interests first, and that’s the reason why he took the gig as branch manager of Labour’s Scottish accounting unit in the first place.

Before taking the job, @JimforJim had backed the wrong horse in the Labour leadership race. Jim had pinned his colours to the mast of the wrong Miliband. When the one with the superglued fingers took over, he demoted Jim, who saw that his career prospects were sinking more quickly than Iain Gray doing the breaststroke with a bread stick. @JimforJim decided to take over the Scottish branch of the party, and merrily set about undermining Johann Lamont – although to be fair Johann had long since excavated the basement all by herself – while skanktimoniously preaching that the party needed to be united and calling for people to stop briefing against one another. Except Jim, who was the one doing most of the briefing.

The poor wee sowel believed his own hype. The Scottish press wouldn’t subject him to any serious scrutiny, and Jim could then take credit for saving the Scottish party to use it as his own personal power base just like Gordie before him. Then he could launch his own campaign for the Labour leadership after Ed lost the General Election. That’s what he really means by @JimforScotland. But the best laid plans of mice and Murphs gang aft agley. Jim has silenced Labour in Scotland forever. The silence of the bams.

Hahahahahahaha … and breathe …

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39 comments on “The silence of the bams

  1. JimW says:

    As a price for refusing to appear on Scotland Tonight, STV gave him a real slating on the early evening news today. It was brilliant. No hiding place. No punches pulled. STV have clearly decided to occupy the empty political ground vacated by the BBC. They have recognised that the people of Scotland expect something better, something balanced, and are making a good fist at providing what the BBC is incapable providing.

    • And I hope they do a first class job of it. I roared with delight when they d
      escribed him as having been ‘slapped down’. Much more to come I hope. {In a totally balanced and objective way naturally!}

  2. Hargaret Modge says:

    I think he will try to rally for another attempt.
    He’s got too much to loose.
    But wouldn’t it be just perfect if he lost his seat and disappeared for good out of politics?

  3. Kara's Aunty says:


  4. Itchybiscuit says:

    Surprised no-one else has thought of this. Or have they?

    Little mummy’s boy
    He wasn’t very old
    Though he was very small
    He did what he was told

    Jimmy Jimmy
    Jimmy Jimmy, oh
    Jimmy Jimmy
    Poor little Jimmy wouldn’t let go

    He’d stay awake at night
    Lying in his bed
    No one ever listened
    To a single word he said

    Jimmy Jimmy
    Jimmy Jimmy, oh
    Jimmy Jimmy
    Poor little Jimmy wouldn’t let go

    Silly boy
    Silly boy
    Silly boy
    Such a silly boy

    Jimmy Jimmy
    Jimmy Jimmy, oh
    Jimmy Jimmy
    Poor little Jimmy wouldn’t let go

    Now little Jimmy’s gone
    He disappeared one day
    But no one saw the ambulance
    That took little Jim away

    Jimmy Jimmy
    Jimmy Jimmy, oh
    Jimmy Jimmy
    Poor little Jimmy wouldn’t let go (poor little Jimmy wouldn’t let go)

  5. john dewar says:

    Tris says:
    January 4, 2015 at 11:03 pm
    Has Jim a different set of policies for a Labour government in London, from those put forward by Ed Miliband? Or is it same old WMDs, wars and austerity for the under £30K a year brigade and bonuses and honours for the bankers…just like England and just as normal?

    haha mystic tris

  6. JimForJim says:

    As I have been consistent it stating every chance I get & mostly with my quiet pathologically narcissist voice:

    @JimForJim is my karma account where I get to make up for all my other bollox by telling the truth.

    Or I’m the demonic Dorian Grey bleeding heart to my alter-ego’s charming media pimpernel.

    Either way only one of us will survive!!

    The Jim is dead. Long Live the Jim!

  7. So the burning question is…will he keep his seat and either way, will he be in Holyrood in 2016 on a list seat?

    Yes I know…not very cheery, but we ought to consider it.

  8. Hargaret Modge says:

    My dreams are now nightmares. Forgot about 2016 and the Scottish Holyrood elections.

    Ed Sheeran – Nightmares Lyrics – The chorus seems appropriate.

    When the darkness creeps in,
    I feel my nightmares watching me.
    And when my dreams are sleeping,
    I feel my nightmares watching me.
    Oh, oh, oh!
    I feel my nightmares watching me.
    Watching me!

    Calling all overseas governments J F Murphy CV’s available on request. The Scottish people will pay his salary if you employ him as long as the jobs not in with Scotland.
    Highest recommendations from the British Government. Free kitten.

    • Kitten? Should that have been ‘Kitchen’?

        • Hargaret Modge says:

          Definitely a Kitten
          As an incentive to a caring new employer.
          The Kitten is needed to counterbalance the effects of the new employees non-kitten-ness.
          A cuddly teddy bear might also do, but not a kitchen or a chicken.
          Other possibilities just thought of:
          A special hire one get one free offer. So if they hire J F Murphy they get D Alexander free.
          With a super duper offer being hire one get the rest free, so they get all of the ex-Scottish Labour party MP’s if they hire Murphy.
          I think we’d have to throw in a litter of kittens.

  9. Ian says:

    Brilliant! But it’s “The best laid schemes, o’ Mice an’ Men”

  10. macart763 says:

    Cracker Paul and oh so true.🙂

    Here’s the thing about those who deal in careerism, social division, misdirection, manipulation and lies…

    … Karma is real.

    When you have harmed so many through your naked ambition. When you have alienated friends, colleagues, the public at large through your actions. Don’t be surprised that no one will offer a helping hand or offer a sympathetic shoulder when the other shoe drops.

    In this case, a size twelve pit boot.

    • Marconatrix says:

      A clear case of his karma running over his dogma, although in this case it appears to have been a Coyote.

      Btw. I resent that flattened kitten reference. Having scraped more than one much loved pet off the Scottish tarmac over the years. Surely there will be No Squashed Kitties in the New Scotland? Do I have a Vow on that?

      • macart763 says:

        Strange coincidence, but Mrs M is about to pick up two ginger kittens from a friend. Cute little beggars too.

        Safe to say kittens will be a protected species in our house.🙂

      • Hargaret Modge says:

        Who said they would flatten kittens?
        I’ve lost a few to the road too and I vowed I’d have no more until I live so far away from a road they are safe.

  11. Wee Jonny says:

    I was two paragraphs in and as I’m not the sharpest lightbulb in the sandwich I went to look up words for someone that has a way with words.


  12. johnmcgurk66 says:

    Thanks Paul you have just made my morning And you are right Jim Murphy is smart arsed (B)

  13. David McKeen says:

    Jim just found out what everybody else already knows: The Labour Party don’t give a toss about Scotland because they don’t need Scotland to win an election. That’s why Jim can get his erse skelpt so publicly and, even when getting humped in the polls, there’s no sign of the lovebombing we had to endure when Yes were a bawhair ahead during the referendum.

    By adopting policies that resonate with working class Scots, Welsh and North Englanders (like they’re supposed to do), they lose Middle England and, ergo, the election. No more wilderness years of the 80’s and most of the 90’s for them; Tony Blair showed that only by schmoozing the Chelsea tractor brigade that an election would be won.

    Labour no longer represent the working man, or the unemployed, or the vulnerable, or the elderly. Jim can stop getting policy ideas from women on trains or telling us how worried he is about weans with no shoes; the turth is out, Jim, you and your ilk don’t give a flying fuck about us, so, guess what?

  14. imacg says:

    @Jim4Janitor great stuff WGD..!!

  15. brewsed says:

    Ye ugly, creepan, blastet wonner,
    Detested, shunn’d, by saunt an’ sinner,
    How daur ye set your fit upon her,
    Sae fine a Lady!
    Gae somewhere else and seek your dinner,
    On some poor body.

    Pretty well says it all.

  16. Robert Kerr says:

    Advice I was given eons ago.

    If you trample the hand holding the ladder as you climb then at the top when you look down no one is holding it anymore.


  17. Gavin says:

    If Labour get the scutchin’ they deserve, then Big Jum will retreat to London. If he also loses his seat, I cannot see him standing for Holyrood. His bolt will be truly shot. Off to private commerce with his Degree in bullshitting. These people always have an exit to something else.

  18. Albawoman says:

    Now that dear Jim has been well sorted could we please have some details of what cuts are planned by our Imperial Labour Masters.

    My dear friend is caring for her elderly, very seriously ill,mother. My friend is happy to undertake this care in her mother’s home.

    Without Carers Allowance, marked out for potential cuts in the next round of austerity, her mother’s care would be seriously undermined in all sorts of ways.

    The cost of hospital care would certainly eclipse the present,somewhat stingy, amount paid to folk caring for much loved Relatives and friends.

    So Mr. Murphy what plans do your friends in the Labour Party have for the next round of austerity cuts? Sound of Silence not acceptable. We need to know Jim.

  19. Luigi says:

    Another great article, WGD. You forget one thing though – the red tories’ secret weapon, Gordzilla, is about to be unleashed (yet again). Nothing like a big ugly monster to scare all those vulnerable old people back to Labour:

    “Penshuns, Penshuns, SNP bad, ROARRRRR!”

    (Coming anytime soon). Brace yourselves.

  20. mogabee says:

    Seems Jim-nice-but-dim is serving cake to reporters this morning.

    So is Jim going to tell the people of the land to “Eat cake”?

  21. FergusMac says:

    I can picture it – him losing his seat, and the assembled joyous multitudes singing the good parts of Ruby Murray’s “Goodbye, Jimmy, goodbye” (the bad parts are about “counting the days till he’s coming back”)

  22. Mammy says:

    Every buddy hates me nobody Luvs me a think al go and eat worms……….
    Jim’s goodbye song?

  23. Whitburnsfinest says:

    Having a wee trip down memory lane here. These were good times!

  24. mary docherty says:

    That’s him telt an skelpt…so nae diamond encrusted pavements then ???

  25. Tinto Chiel says:

    The Murphy Bounce has inevitably become The Murphy Splat. But who would have predicted he would have become electoral roadkill under the Labour (Pink?) bus.

    Thanks again, WGD, for some lovely Swiftian outrage.

    Poor Dim Jim. Is he still going to launch (Titanic, anyone?) the Scottish Labour Manifesto on Friday?

    Gwuesome, simply gwuesome.

    brewsed @ 0803. Dig your Burns groove.

  26. Gary says:

    Ultimately, to stem the loss of support and the loss of members the Scottish Labour Party need only do one thing. Keep its mouth shut.

    The UK Labour Party need only do one thing, stay away. If voters forget them, they might forget what they did during the referendum campaign and, absent mindedly, vote for them.

    No adverts, no PPB, nothing..

  27. macart763 says:

    Enjoyed the latest offering in today’s National.

    Hope you’ve got your industrial sized packet of heartburn tablets ready for the latest episode of shoutiness tonight.🙂

  28. Derek Ritchie says:

    Ever thought of getting some pin badges made (of the dug) with your brillint slogan “Biting the hand of project fear. I think they would go down a bomb.

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