Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha … and breathe … hahahahahahahahaha. That’s been me for the past day and a half. The Murph E Coyote has looked down past his frantically spinning paws and has seen that he’s supported by nothing more substantial than the thin air of a BBC Scotland broadcast. Now Jim is plummeting into the canyon and taking the rest of the Labour party in Scotland with him. We’re just waiting for the cloud of dust and the satisfying smack of schadenfreude. Never has a political career come to such an embarrassing end since Iain Gray was waylaid by a cheese baguette and the baked goods of the grassroots.
The wheels have come off the Labour battlebus which was being driven by James Francis Murphy BA Politics (failed) yet still the bus has managed run into a ditch and flatten a kitten in the process. The wheels themselves have run Jim over and splattered his career like a hedgehog wearing a vote Labour rosette that took a wee daunner down the M74 into Jimmy Hood’s constituency. And that doesn’t even begin to describe the multiple flusterclucks which have beset Jim’s campaign to save the Labour party in Scotland as a springboard for his career.
A poor week started with the slagathon screaming match which BBC Scotland glorified with the title debate, in which Jim managed to show less self control than a serial fantasist with chronic diarrhoea and a sensitivity to women’s issues last seen in a caveman dragging his trophy wife out of the cave by her hair. It was such a gobsmackingly poor performance that not even the usual suspects could defend it on the interwebbies. And this particular episode has still to be reflected in a Scottish opinion poll. No wonder Kezia Dugdale was looking even more miserable than she usually does.
This was followed by an opinion poll which showed Labour’s support is being haemorrhaged more quickly than one of Hannibal Lector’s dinner guests. The pro-independence SNP and the Scottish Greens have between them the support of 55%. Oh the delicious irony. Iain Gray was done in by a sandwich, this is Jim’s yum yums of democracy.
Despite a near total onslaught of policy initiatives, promises of free jam for everyone, and the dubious claim that the Labour party in Scotland won’t implement any cuts, Labour is still losing support. The thing is it doesn’t matter what you say, promise or claim, if it comes out of the mouth of a man no one trusts then it’s not going to be believed. And no one trusts Jim. No one. A 1970s Radio One DJ at a girl guides’ party is more trusted.
And then the last tattered remnants of Jim’s trustworthiness were put through a mincer, diced, sliced, freeze dried and pounded into dust then blown out the window by his own party leaders. He was quite pointedly told by the big boys dahn sarf that he doesn’t get to say what cuts there will be. That’s Ed Baws who gets to decide that. Slap, kapowie, blam.
Jim was so affronted after being slapped about by Ed Baws and fried by Chuckie that he refused to appear on STV’s Scotland Tonight. And this is a man who makes the cast members of TOWIE seem camera shy. Instead he had to stay in and wash his rapidly greying hair, at least that part of it which he hasn’t torn out yet. It was the silence of the bams. His embarrassment was as terminal as Reporting Scotland story about the NHS. Which is a shame, because his glowing slapped face is the only red thing about him and displaying it might have made some viewers believe his claim to be a socialist, at least those who are would believe that Rylan had written a scientific paper about the application of quantum physics to teeth whitening and that the Large Hadron Collider is actually a tanning shop in Southend on Sea.
Which explains a lot – Jim’s the Rylan of politics, all presentation and brain dead content. Although to be fair Rylan does have better hair and teeth. If you take away the hair and teeth there would be nothing left of Rylan at all except a supreme lack of self awareness. And this is also true of Jim Murphy.
By Tuesday @JimforScotland was trying to get back on his feet, in the same way that a drunk man with his pants round his ankles tries to get back on his feet after falling face first in the gutter. Jim adopted the Twitter handle @JimforScotland in order to persuade the Rylan’s of this world that he puts the interests of Scotland first, although a more accurate Twitter handle for him would be @JimforJim. Jim has only ever put Jim’s interests first, and that’s the reason why he took the gig as branch manager of Labour’s Scottish accounting unit in the first place.
Before taking the job, @JimforJim had backed the wrong horse in the Labour leadership race. Jim had pinned his colours to the mast of the wrong Miliband. When the one with the superglued fingers took over, he demoted Jim, who saw that his career prospects were sinking more quickly than Iain Gray doing the breaststroke with a bread stick. @JimforJim decided to take over the Scottish branch of the party, and merrily set about undermining Johann Lamont – although to be fair Johann had long since excavated the basement all by herself – while skanktimoniously preaching that the party needed to be united and calling for people to stop briefing against one another. Except Jim, who was the one doing most of the briefing.
The poor wee sowel believed his own hype. The Scottish press wouldn’t subject him to any serious scrutiny, and Jim could then take credit for saving the Scottish party to use it as his own personal power base just like Gordie before him. Then he could launch his own campaign for the Labour leadership after Ed lost the General Election. That’s what he really means by @JimforScotland. But the best laid plans of mice and Murphs gang aft agley. Jim has silenced Labour in Scotland forever. The silence of the bams.
Hahahahahahaha … and breathe …
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