All your base are belong to us Jim

James Francis Murphy BA Politics (failed)’s sharply honed political instincts are being borne out. He told us there would be a late surge in Labour’s vote, and he’s right. There is indeed a late surge in the Labour vote, it’s just the surge is in the opposite direction from the one he was hoping for. On Monday another Scottish opinion poll was published, showing that the SNP are on 52%, yes you did read that right, and the Greens on 3%. That’s an increase of 6% in the SNP’s vote share, and a corresponding drop of 6% in Labour’s. Some projections based on these figures would leave Labour with just two seats in Scotland, neither of which would be Jim Murphy’s. Fears and smears end in tears Jim, and now all your base are belong to us.

If this poll is right, then 55% of the Scottish vote is going to pro-independence parties. But evil cybernats and those who would do ill to Wee Dougie Alexander’s career shouldn’t get too excited. Some of the fieldwork was carried out before the hauf-arsed attempt to smear Nicla as a Tory lover, and all of it was before Sunday’s hammy rammy ding dong when Jim Murphy made a complete and utter arse out himself, schmoozed up to the Action Krankie, and pissed off more than half the women in the country and a sizeable chunk of the men. There could be more Scottish surginess yet to come. It looks like Jim’s going to be joining Wee Wullie Rennie on the number 19 to Kelty, via Cowdenbeath and extinction.

Yesterday I saw a wee forlorn group of Labour canvassers. There were four of them, and they didn’t look like they were wildly enthusiastic about their task. At least one of them was a local cooncillor. They’re hopelessly outnumbered by the SNP canvassers locally, and the official campaign has only just got started. The SNP seem to outnumber Labour on the ground by about ten to one, and this time Labour can’t bus supporters up from dahn sarf to boost their numbers.

Also on Monday Labour unveiled its manifesto for the General Election. It was a “let’s not scare off potential Tory voters” kind of manifesto. Jim Murphy was hoping that buried somewhere in the fine print there was a wee proviso stating “except for viewers in Scotland”, because for the past couple of months he has been telling anyone who would listen that there won’t be any cuts in Scotland. We can grow the economy, Jim said, no need for cuts, he said. While slagging off Nicla Sturgeon for saying remarkably similar things.

Unfortunately for Jim Ed Baws rummaged around in his chancellorial bawsbag and stated that Scotland can’t be exempt from spending cuts under a Labour government. Jim’s leadership of the Scottish accounting unit has been turned into a yolk by his own party leadership.

Being exhausted after his recent media performances, Jim didn’t make it to the manifesto launch, all that patronising takes it out of him. It was left to Ed Miliband to look snide instead, which he achieved by imagining he was confronted with a bacon sandwich and a press photographer. Desperate to avoid looking like a suicide bomber with a pointy finger, Ed did his wavy superglued hand thing, and promised voters that he could be as nasty as any Tory could. But he’d do it with a sad face, because Labour’s the caring cuts, austerity, and sooking up to bankers party. The manifesto itself was an exercise in management wankspeak, full of words like synergy, proactive, and going forward into blandness.

Chuka Umunna – Labour’s business and pensions spokesperson – was interviewed by the assembled reporters while he was standing in front of a Labour campaign coach plastered in progressive Labour slogans like “Foreigners are bad”, and “We promise to look sad when we cut your benefit.” Pointedly, with a sharp stick he was poking in the ribs of the Scottish branch office, Chuka tossed a few more eggs at Jim and said, “The leader of the Scottish party will not be in charge of the UK budget.”

And if you looked very carefully you could see Jim’s legs poking out from beneath the wheels of the bus, along with the splattered hopes of Labour saving its Scottish seats and a pile of broken eggshells.

Clearly, the Labour leadership – that will be the real Labour leadership and not Jim’s imaginary branch office variety – have decided that the party in Scotland is a lost cause. They can only lose 41 seats in Scotland, but many more seats are at play in England. Since the only way they can save any seats in Scotland is to adopt policies that will make them lose the support of the Tory press in England, and they crave Tory media approval like an SNPout zoomer craves a smear, Jim gets the off. So Chuka chucks Jim under the battlebus in return for a sympathetic story in the Express about how the Labour candidate in some marginal seat in Toryshireland is distantly related to Princess Di. And order and balance is restored to the universe.

Jim sees Labour’s private polling and their canvass returns. This may be the reason for his increasingly hysterical public performances. Jim’s day starts with a look at the figures showing his career prospects are plummeting faster than Jackie Baillie in pursuit of an NHS scare story, and that’s distressing for him since his career is the only principle he’s ever stuck firm to. In fact it’s the only principle he’s ever known. It’s why he went into politics in the first place. Without his political career Jim has got nothing left. He could try to make folksy railway documentaries like Michael Portillo. But Jim touring the country on an Irn Bru crate batting away eggs with a Bradshaw guide has already been done. Besides, the Caledonian Express has already left the station and left Jim behind, shouting angrily at pensioners.

Jim’s assured himself a place in the history books. It’s just not the place he wanted. He’ll be remembered as the man who killed the Labour party in Scotland, sacrificed on the altar of Jim’s career. Only he won’t save his career either. All your base are belong to us Jim.

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47 comments on “All your base are belong to us Jim

  1. smiling vulture says:

    And if you looked very carefully you could see Jim’s legs poking out from beneath the wheels of the bus


  2. […] All your base are belong to us Jim […]

  3. Thepnr says:

    The dug barks and Labour are listening, their supporters that is, and they are moving in droves to support the SNP for GE2015

    Unlike Jim I’ll admit that I got it wrong, I thought before the referendum that 50% of those previously Labour supporters would have voted Yes. It was only around 30%.

    Some it appears were slow to get the message, they are getting it now, loud and clear from shouty Jim. No tears will be shed, goodbye Jim, Magrit and Anas, best of luck in the new job.

    • handclapping says:

      That’ll be a zero hours job share for three then? Sorting the contents of the scaffy wagon is a bit … . I mean do they have the competence or the stamina for such work, any work even?

    • Methinks since they’ll all be on benefits they may well try to appear in Holyrood on a PR ticket as they try to make themselves relevant again.

  4. robert graham says:

    well jimbob you got your wish dear ,you’re in charge of your very own branch office of your dear labour party pity you are going to be on your own in yer branch office oh the howling and the wailing will be heard from paisley by your wee pal douglas we are so so sad we will miss your shouty loud behaviour byee

  5. Steve Bowers says:

    Love it Paul. Brilliantly cutting

  6. Janis says:

    Watched it all unfold but you capture perfectly how us scots feel towards the creepy labour gouls. They will be leaving us soon and no tears will be shed.

  7. Bill Hume says:

    To Jim sMurphy……”You have no chance to survive make your time”.

  8. mary docherty says:

    Sharp as ever Wee Dug !! Popcorn supplies getting hard tae find !!

  9. macart763 says:

    So just to be clear £30bn of austerity measures are in fact CUTS Smurphy. £8 doesn’t magically become £8.50 in the space of an hour just because you will it and the largest party doesn’t always get to form a government. Voting SNP doesn’t get you a Tory government. Tory voters across the border gets you a Tory government. Voting Labour en masse has secured Scotland a Tory government for most of the last forty years and voting to retain a political union on Labour representatives referendum rhetoric has absolutely guaranteed future Tory governments for Scots as long as the union continues.

    Thanks for that by the way.

    Oh and that £7bn black hole? Well that figure only applies to a Scotland that follows a UK economic model, UK contributory spend and does not have access to the levers of its own economy.

    Again, thanks for that. But then the creepy one is well aware of all of the above.

    Let’s thank Labour and the rest of those establishment parties properly on May 7th.

  10. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Another super dissection Paul – thank you

  11. Alan Drew says:

    “Clearly, the Labour leadership – that will be the real Labour leadership and not Jim’s imaginary branch office variety – have decided that the party in Scotland is a lost cause.”

    Which category does Douglas Alexander, Labour’s shadow foreign secretary, general election manager and (fingers crossed) soon to be former MP for Paisley and Renfrewshire South fit into? Labour leadership or one of the seat-holders to be sacrified/lost?

  12. … and to think this is meant to be Jim’s ‘honeymoon’ period as new leader.

    ‘Fud, splat’ that’s the sound of the Murphy bounce.

  13. Sooz says:

    “Jim’s assured himself a place in the history books. It’s just not the place he wanted. He’ll be remembered as the man who killed the Labour party in Scotland, sacrificed on the altar of Jim’s career. Only he won’t save his career either. All your base are belong to us Jim.”


    Jim’s career is in shattered heaps on the floor. It was a poisoned chalice from the start, taking on the branch managership, but he crashed in, bellowed and bullied his way round the shop like a crazed bullock, and doesn’t understand why the crockery is in bits.

    Roll on May 7.

    • WRH2 says:

      Love the image of a “crazed bullock.” Especially since they are the ones that are neutered, in other words no baws! That sounds about right.

    • Rab Kay says:

      Have tae disagree aboot the demise o’ the Labour Party. It’s all down to London, they gambled and lost.

  14. Margaret says:


    You forgot to mention creepies £1600 to the youngsters who are unemployed I waited expectantly to hear the announcement of this bounty but again it would appear creepy was lying Who could guess he would do such a thing Such a fine upstanding citizen

  15. Maureen says:

    Brilliant Paul, as ever. I for one do no like bullies. In the next couple of weeks we must all stay focused and confront the lies from all areas. I hope, no pray, that ex-labour supporters stay strong. This is our country and we must work together to make it a fairer one for all. By the way Teachers in schools try to stamp out bullying. It is a pity these politicians did not learn their lessons. I have nothing but contempt for Labour.

  16. Maureen says:

    Thanks to all my cyberfriends out there. Now lets make History. xxx

  17. […] All your base are belong to us Jim. […]

  18. fillofficer says:

    so undeserving of pity, wont end well for him, as he hasn’t trained for anything else. BBC impartial commentator mibbe

  19. Mikeyboy says:

    It was suggested on another blog – – that the farcical conduct of SLAB is a deliberate ploy to ensure that Cameron is the next PM so that Labour will get rid of Miliband and the Blairites can resume control of labour, ensuring Jimbo a seat at the high table.

    I don’t know if he is that intelligent enough for such sophistry but I am sure he is unscrupulous enough to sacrifice every single one of SLAB’s MPs on the altar of his career. I do wonder though, if any of the current SLAB MPs would be canny enough to spot it if that is what he is up to.

  20. Sooz says:

    @ Mikeyboy

    Interesting thought. Hmmm. My thought was that Labour were trying to get rid of him. There has to be some reason for Jim’s presence up here because he sure didn’t want Scotland when cabinet posts were being given out by the last Labour government. His behaviour during the referendum and since has been bizarre – understatement! – and now he’s contradicting himself, giving out the wrong facts and figures and laying himself open for an easy unpicking of his rhetoric by anyone who can be bothered. Now he gets a kick in the cojones by Labour HQ.

    Why has no-one in the media challenged him on his membership of the Henry Jackson Society? Why is no-one in the Labour party doing so?

  21. Gary says:

    Brilliant, but sad as well. A few years back I’d never have envisaged this level of incompetence (or is it incontinence?)

  22. Tsar Nicholas says:

    Are there any polls of Renfrewshire East itself? One good site to visit is and while it predicts a near wipe-out of Scottish Labour, it forecastss wins for Duggie Alexander and Jim Murphy.

    • Stan Drews says:

      That would be a shame. For me, they would surpass the Michael Portillo moment.

    • Davie says:

      SNP canvassing in the area is going great guns, lots of support in the windows too with nothing at all for Murphy. A big, garish yellow hub has opened up in Clarkston that must drive Creepy mad if he is ever in his constituency and it is permanently staffed with loads of volunteers. A feature is how heavily women are involved; maybe not surprising given Jim’s obvious problems with them.

      Willie Hills has Creepy at 4/9 and Kirsten Oswald @ 13/8 so it is not going to be a major shock by any means if he ends up out on his arse. This, more than SLAB’s general demise, is probably the reason for his ever more erratic behaviour.

  23. Marconatrix says:

    I’m wondering whether Labour UK had it in for poor Jim from the start. You know, “We feel that what we need at this stage in the campaign is a futile gesture. Go back to Scotland, wind up the SNP, do plenty of shouting … don’t come back!” I.e. it was all a suicide mission from the start.

  24. Itchybiscuit says:

    In a word? Fannytastic!

  25. Autoclub says:

    If the polls are saying 50%+ then how is it possible that 55% voted no in the referendum? Surely it is the same electorate in both instances and most of the 45 weren’t even SNP supporters.

    Could there have been some skulduggery involved? ………… Surely no!

    • Brian Fleming says:

      I read a good article a couple of weeks ago on this, written by observers at the count in Argyll & Bute. The conclusion was mass tampering with the postal votes by MI5. Scotland most likely voted YES and was robbed. It’s the most plausible explanation for a number of odd coincidences.

  26. Andrew Brown says:

    Heard on the news this morning that a deckchair from the Titanic is to be auctioned off.

    Maybe we could crowdfund its purchase and send it to Mr Murphy for him to rearrange ?

  27. Tris says:

    Shame really. I enjoy a good train documentary.

  28. Edulis says:

    Paul, what do think about that Electoral calculus forecast for Glasgow East? Surely Magrit isn’t going to survive the tsunami.

    • weegingerdug says:

      The Electoral calculus forecast is, I believe although I may be wrong, based on a universal national swing. It isn’t sensitive to local factors. The Ashcroft poll was the only full scale poll taken in Glasgow East, and it showed that Magrit was going to lose. That’s certainly the impression I get from living here and from talking to people involved in canvassing for Natalie McGarry.

  29. WGD is just wonderful. Althogh you must be outraged by these vile labour attacks on Natalie. In their death throes they want to destroy all that is decent and progressive in the new Scotland.
    BTW can anyone explain to me what ‘All your base are belong to us Jim’. I am just a country hick from Ayrshire and I am not really up on the Glasgow lingo.

  30. brewsed says:

    Having been shoved under the bus, if BA Hons (failed) fails to retain his seat (yes, a ghastly vision, keep it to yourself), will it be tempted to try for a seat at Holyrood in 2016? Arthurs Seat perhaps. Salisbury Crags… The question ought to be asked. We need to know. Maybe something for Ms Dugdale to look forward to.

  31. Wee Jonny says:

    If fears and smears end in tears it’s only Jim that wants to Shout Shout let it all out at The Mad World around him.

    See Jim thinks Everybody Wants To Rule The World of Labour when they should be Head Over Heels for him. As he thinks he’s The Closest Thing To Heaven.

    He goes on visits to nurseries and sees The Hurting his policies have made. He listens to the Mothers Talk about Sewing The Seeds Of Love but would prefer to see the Woman In Chains as they were obviously Gods Mistake and would like his policies to Suffer The Children.

    But Jim’s Secrets are Falling Down around him.
    He has no Advice For The Young At Heart.
    He uses his Call Me Mellow voice but people see they’re his Famous Last Words.
    His Songs From The Big Chair.
    His Goodnight Song.

    Soon Jim will be oot the door and Everybody Loves A Happy Ending.

    So Dim nice but Jim can Shout Shout let it all out but these are the words we can do without. Come on vote SNP.

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