Vote False Moustache Guy!

Right, here we go the Scottish leaders’ debate, or more precisely the five faces of the main parties. That’s one each for the Most Dangerous Wummin in Britain, Wee Wullie Rennie and the Action Krankie, and two for Jim Murphy BA Politics (failed). I’m hoping Jim makes an utter tit out of himself, so if you’re looking for balanced coverage, go elsewhere. And at this juncture I’d also like to add that it’s pure vegetarian mince that Patrick Harvie wasn’t invited.

We’re getting contributions from the audience, so far we’ve had one each from supporters of each of the parties. Even the Lib Dems, no really. STV searched far and wide and actually managed to find one who wasn’t too embarrassed to appear in public.

Jim is getting asked about why it is that Labour is pure rubbish. How come no one wants to vote for the party any more. Jim’s doing that quiet voice thing again. And already I want to throw something at the telly screen. He was upset because a constituent came to him and even though she’s got two jobs she still can’t afford new shoes for her daughters. According to Jim this is all the fault of the Tories. Jim’s got two jobs too. He can afford all sorts of things. His answer to the crying woman is that Labour is going to raise the minimum wage to £8 per hour by 2020. Whoop de doo.

Nicla’s turn, and she’s laying into both the Tories and Labour. What’s the point of a Labour government if all it does is to implement Tory policies? Jim’s looking shifty. The camera cuts to a man in the audience picking his nose.

Ruth and Wullie waffled a bit. I couldn’t be bothered taking notes. I mean really, what’s the point? Sometimes your mind wanders and you find yourself thinking about more productive and useful things, like when did I last defrost the freezer? There’s probably a Lib Dem past its sell by date in there somewhere.

Why does Jim Murphy look like a turtle? Oooh he mentioned 1924 as the last time the government was formed by a party that wasn’t the largest. Get that biggest party lie in early Jim! Nicla tells him that he needs her help to get Ed Miliband into number 10. I’m still hoping that Jim’s going to tell us about someone he met on a train, I like hearing about his fantasy life.

Wullie’s getting awfie flustered. He thinks it’s wrong that a party that wants to break up Britain should have any say over the UK government. He’s not entirely clear why they shouldn’t. It’s just wrong. He’s looking really worried, like he’s wondering what time the last bus to Fife is.

Jim mentions football! Yeah! My Jim Murphy bingo scorecard is rapidly filling up. He’s still banging on with his biggest party lie, and he mentions 1924 again. It doesn’t seem to occur to Jim that he’s actually undermining his own point every time he says 1924. The British constitution hasn’t changed since 1924.

Thank god, an advert break. So far this debate is really boring. They come back and it’s Ruthie taking questions from the audience. I’ve lost the will to live already. Dear god this audience is dull. Where did STV find these people? We need a heckler in an afghan coat to liven things up. But wait! The cameras cut to a guy with a hat and an obviously fake moustache. Who is fake moustache man? It’s the most interesting question of the debate so far. Actually no, it’s the only interesting question of the debate so far. He’s probably phoned in sick and should be at his work.

Here comes creepy Jim now. Can you tell I’m biased? Good. I wouldn’t want anyone to be labouring under any false impressions, unlike Jim. He’s staring at the camera like a demented turtle and promising to increase the minimum wage to £8.50 per hour. Oh it’s £8.50 an hour that the minimum wage is going to be increased to? When did that happen Jim? You can never be sure with Jim, he just makes up policies as he goes along. Jim is now telling us the polls are “tight”. This is a novel interpretation of “the polls say Labour is going to be crushed into dust.” Jim gets asked why a small country needs to have nuclear weapons. Jim gives his usual multilateral dodging and doesn’t mention the Henry Jackson Society even once.

I still demand to know the identity of fake moustache man. It’s far more interesting than anything Jim has to say. The dog has started to bark at the telly. Must be Jim’s dog whistles. God this is dull. I think I’ll grow a moustache. Do we have to hear from Nicla and Wee Wullie?

Right Nicla is telling us that the SNP will stand up for Scotland’s interests and deliver progressive change, an end to austerity and the bedroom tax, protecting public services. All very good and worthy stuff, but all I can think about is Fake Moustache Guy.

A very dull question from a very dull audience member who is clearly a Tory. He thinks it’s insane not to reduce the national debt and wants to know why Nicla isn’t in favour of cutting all public spending and imposing a tax on false moustaches. Except of course when the false moustache is worn by a high earner, because they’re wealth creators and oh god I want to die now. This guy sounds like the sort of person you get stuck beside on the train and he insists on telling you all about adventures in accountancy for six bloody hours. He needs a false moustache to give him an air of mystery.

She gets asked by a thin lipped guy who really needs a moustache about a second referendum. There’s an ooooooh from the “hand picked by STV” audience as she says that there may, or may not, be a commitment to another referendum in 2016. Nicla retorts that the point is that it’s up to the people of Scotland to decide, not politicians. Independence supporting politician supports independence shocker.

Another question about Trident. Nicla says that very few countries have nuclear weapons and they’re weapons that can never be used because of the devastation they would cause. She points out that renewing Trident is incompatible with a commitment to multilateral disarmament.

Wee Wullie Rennie is up now. I think it’s time to go and make tea, and possibly bake scones and grow a moustache. Seriously, who gives a toss what Wullie has to say? Is there anyone left in the entire country who’s going to vote Lib Dem?

Asked why MPs are useless overpaid gits, Wullie says that in four years as an MP he helped 10,000 people with problems. Did he ever attend Parliament? Or was he spending all his days “helping people with problems”? Did any of those problems involve false moustaches? Enquiring minds want to know. False Moustache Guy is polling higher than the Lib Dems.

Where is False Moustache Guy? The cameras must be avoiding him. I miss him. He’s the most entertaining thing about this debate so far. He’s the only entertaining thing about this debate. If Jim Murphy thought that his performance on this programme was going to turn buoy up the sinking fortunes of the Labour party he’s sadly mistaken. He should have worn a false moustache, although admittedly his eyebrows have taken on a life of their own.

That’s it. I can’t take any more. I’ve lost the will to live.

Right, we’re on the final section now. Thank god it’s almost over. This format is dire. It’s more dull questions from the dull audience. Sorry audience, but we expect more entertainment from you. More false moustaches and afghan coated heckling please. Jim Murphy seems to contradict what Ed Miliband said last week in his debate, when Ed said that Labour would have to make cuts. Jim says no. Oh god who to believe? Staring eyed Ed or the mad eyebrows of Jim? Nicla nailed him on that point, but trying nail Jim on anything is like trying to stick a blancmange to the wall with a six inch nail.

Jim’s promising lots of free things. All sort of free things that he was opposed to just a few short weeks ago. He’s promised everything will be free except for false moustaches. He tells a barefaced lie about Labour abolishing tuition fees. Oh Wullie Rennie is still there too. Who realised? Who cares? Jim’s conflating devolved and reserved issues again.

This is rubbish STV. Epic fail. I very much doubt whether anyone will have had their mind changed by this debate, or whether anyone will have learned anything that they didn’t know already. Those of us who went into the debate thinking Jim was a duplicitous creepy liar will still think he’s a duplicitous creepy liar, and those of us who thought that the three Unionist parties would gang up against Nicla Sturgeon were confirmed in our belief.

Jim won’t answer Nicla’s question – will he vote with the SNP to vote down a Tory Queens Speech if Labour and the SNP combined have more seats than the Tories. Jim refuses to answer, his eyebrows are in overdrive.

Wullie Rennie says, “These are immature games.” And on that note, when Wullie Rennie becomes the voice of reason, I’m giving up.

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26 comments on “Vote False Moustache Guy!

  1. Hargaret Modge says:

    Amazed you stuck it out to the end. I gave up after an hour.
    Man with false mustache and black cowboy hat kept taking the mustache off, maybe that’s why you missed him. Ponsonby talked too much and I hate to say it, but the audience questions were ridiculous. Too personal for anyone to answer.
    It was just boring. Boring, and even more boring. Lets see what happens tomorrow.
    If I was Nicola I’d tell them I needed to wash my hair so I couldn’t go.

  2. Bill Hume says:

    My wife has the disconcerting habit of answering many questions with yes. This would not seem to be a problem, but it is when the question is along the lines of “Would you like toast or crispbread for breakfast”. Answer……”yes”

    So how is it that Jim Murphy can’t answer the question of “Would Labour work with the SNP to keep David Cameron out of government” with a simple yes or no?

    I can only conclude he wants crispbread……………he’s already toast.

  3. macart763 says:

    I grew a moustache and got pished.

    Fkit! I’ve managed to get stuck in a cat’s cradle I was faddling with… and I’m burstin’. I’ve just noticed that in a certain light my moustache resembles something vaguely disturbing. Ginger, grey, white to ginger, grey, white.

    Wait, there wiz a debate?

  4. davidmccann24 says:

    Priceless Paul. Bloody priceless!
    Can I bottle it and sell it at our next branch meeting?

  5. jimnarlene says:

    I admire your determination, I gave up long before the, moustachioed, hat wearer turned up.

  6. robert graham says:

    oh sugar i haven’t watched it yet number one grandson woke up so he takes centre stage i will watch next Liar take the stand later i caught the first few minutes but when the guy who said his little bit i wasnt sure if he was really going to say something but no he got it out about liberals stopping someone going into syria was it i thought f/k we are in night of a lifetime here is an epic unfurling so when the dame said why she was voting labour just as you said oh oh where the f/k did they get these people not sure if i am going to delete it or give myself a sleepless night -coin toss

  7. […] Vote False Moustache Guy! […]

  8. Gavin.C.Barrie says:

    Pretty fair account Paul, though Bernard never did once join the fingers of his two hands together, disappointed with that.

    Is it just my imagination, or is Murphy morphing into being a dalek? Its this repeating thingy by him.

  9. Tash

    man was the highlight of the debate. Is Nicla needing a rest? I didn’t think she was on her game especially against the wierdest handpicked audience ever.

    • Jan Cowan says:

      Well, if we were bored, what do you think she was? I thought she did really well, considering the company. In fact she did well managing to keep her eyes open. Most exciting part was BleP abandoning all hope and climbing into his tree.
      Thanks Paul, for without your blog, a dire evening.

  10. jomtaylor says:

    I agree that without ‘tache man there would have been nothing of interest to see here. Boring audience questions, weird ‘debating’ format, lots of pro-union plants, ganging up on Sturgeon, Jim ‘dead-eye’ Murphy BA Politics (Failed). Nothing has changed my mind about either independence (gasp) or who I am voting in the GE.

  11. Edulis says:

    Nicola held her position as the most confident and effective debater with the other three much of a muchness – perhaps Ruthie shading Jim and Willie bringing up the rear. The audience? Nil point.

  12. Margaret says:

    I’m sure I heard right did Jim not up the anti and raise his new wage offer to £8;50 If I did hear right when did that change take place?

  13. Margaret says:

    I made my comment without reading the blog I had intended keeping it for tomorrow as I had almost lost the will to live watching however I couldn’t resist reading and I did hear right he was offering £8;50 I suppose since he doesn’t answer to wee Milli he can do these things It must be great to have that much influence


    Thanks to WEE GINGER DUG for a smile this morning! What a waste of airtime! Obviously a well PLANTED audience and gave the impression that indeed the Scots are” too stupid! ” Where do they get these people from? Pathetic! Nicola’s body language said it all ! BORING! Another ten minutes though and Smurph would have lost it! He was struggling to maintain his MR NICE GUY stance! Though this morning Deputy Dug is singing his praises!!! She obviously idolises Smurph and hangs on his every word! Poor deluded dug! woof ! woof!

  15. brewsed says:

    I thought the best bits were the adverts though I had switched over to QI when they were on – which was more interesting, and almost failed to switch back for more antics of the hirsuted one. The backprojection flickering thingy behind the contestants could, easily, have been programmed, a la QI, to come up with ‘Liar Liar’ accompanied with klaxon sounds when appropriate – or almost continiously when BA(failed) was on.

  16. mary docherty says:

    It was the wummin wi’ the shoeless wean that got me ***&^%$* .Cheers Dug for a great laugh. Hope you get your sanity back soon . Pound shop sells packs of various shaped mustaches for all occasions!!!

  17. smiling vulture says:

    In the week where you had #frenchgate I was expecting grenades going off,tough questions answers.

    They went to the audience,without any idea what questions would be asked.

    here’s a simple one

    Has anyone deleted from Twitter before?

    2 hours of nothing

    STV even ruined it by telling the guy to remove the tash

  18. Barry says:

    You thought creepy Jim looks like a turtle? Unfair on turtles everywhere. The chronic creeper looks more like a Skeksis. (

  19. mogabee says:

    So washing my hair WAS the best part of my evening?

    Usually it’s a pain that Scottish programmes cannot reach my part of Argyll, so for once I am eternally grateful for the anomaly.

    Nice one Paul..😀

  20. John Stewart says:

    Thank the Lord I’m not the only one who thought last night was dire – I began to think that I had slipped into an inexplicable state of depression. Am only now recovering, having read this excellent piece. What a contrivance (the debate that is).

  21. Tsar Nicholas says:

    An interesting article at the link suggesting that neocon Murphy may have sunk Miliband’s chances of becoming PM as a result of this debate.

  22. scotsgeoff says:

    To paraphrase Mr Murphy:

    Audience Member: “What about weapons of mass destruction outside Glasgow, our larget city?”

    Murphy: ” I don’t want weapons outside Birmingham”.

    Audience Member: “Er… I didn’t ask you about weapons being elsewhere…they’re not elsewhere – they’re outside Glasgow so I’d rather know what your thoughts are on that.”

    Murphy: “SQUIRREL!”

    I truly can’t be ersed wi shite like that. Switched off about an hour in.

  23. hektorsmum says:

    Well I am bored enough presently without being bored witless as I am in need of said wits with the moving house business. I know you will understand then why I let others watch for me. We did make the mistake of catching wee bits during the adverts and then wondered if the adverts might be more entertaining.
    I see Michael Gove thought Ruthie had won the debate, well I seriously doubt that but considering they had dragged the audience in from the more leafy suburbs I expect they were more than likely to vote for those other parties than the leftish SNP.
    Nicola should have had a rest last night, none of the rest have any place in the GE.

    • macart763 says:

      I read some place this morning that the audience (including the moustache), were weighted as per the results of the last GE. Therefore I was quite surprised that during the summations Nicola received the loudest applause. The action Krankie was feisty as you would expect, but utterly and completely dishonest. Lurch was creepy (as you would expect) and Wee Willie Winkie there to make up the numbers. His ticket was punched over memogate anyhoo so keeping quiet was probably best.

      At one point Davidson tried to sell the line that the Scottish government had lied about the price of oil. Now either Ms Davidson is a complete imbicile and doesn’t understand the oil markets, geo politics and macro economics oooor she was deliberately misleading the audience. She may as well have said that the OBR, DEDR, US oil and Gas and OECD lied in their prediction of oil prices, but no it was just the SG (the second lowest estimate, the lowest being the OBR at some $10 -12 pb lower than the SG). The fact is that no one foresaw OPEC slapping down America and Russia.

      To the FMs credit, she let it slide and stayed on topic, which is of course the up coming GE. Had she allowed herself to be bogged down in referendum rhetoric a bear trap was waiting. Nicola was way too smart for that.

  24. Davy says:

    I was out canvassing so missed the first 1/2 hour, then my luck ran out and I watched the next 90 minutes, what a boring audience. And if the lassie who decided to vote for labour after listening to Jim Murphy answer a question thinks anyone believes that, needs her head examined, plus watered (plant).

    The guy who was asking Nicola a question, must be picked for the UK’s most boring team in the next World championship, I thought I had died and joined the labour party before he’d finished.

    But could anyone tell me the details of Murphy’s £1600 to people leaving school without a job/training/further-education.

    Is this policy scottish only or UK wide?

    If scottish only, what will the rest of the uk say?

    This is tax-payers money what controls are their ?

    It’s a UK general election, so where would he get the authorisation from to do this, westminster or holyrood ?

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