The fallout from the Nicileaks saga is still falling on the benighted heids of the Unionist parties. The forces of the British Establishment ganged up to keep the Most Dangerous Woman in Britain at bay, only they didn’t do it very well, which is only to be expected when your lead conspirator is Alistair Carmichael, a man who can’t even conspire to take a leak without it dribbling all down his leg. These things happen, don’t they Alistair. Well we don’t know for certain it was Alistair who was responsible for the leakage, but then I’m adopting Daily Telegraph standards of journalistic integrity. So that makes it all just fine, and we can expect Ed Miliband to take everything in this blog as gospel truth.
The Most Dangerous Woman in Britain has turned their attacks against them. She’s battering them on the head with rolled up copy of the Telegraph, slapping them on their lardy arses with a papier maché bat made from Daily Mail slur stories, and treading them into dust with those tartan high heels of hers. She’s laid down a challenge to the wide open eyes of Ed Miliband to join with her in opposing the Tories – and now we know he’s staring like that because he’s looking directly into the headlights of an oncoming Caledonian Express. The happy warrior is not a happy Easter bunny.
Meanwhile Alistair himself has, according to the Daily Record, “fingered the civil servant responsible” for creating the big stain down the front of the Koalamichael’s troosers, and there was you thinking that sexual harrassment was illegal in modern Scotland. However Alistair’s not for saying who the person is, and far less is he going to take any action against them. Which means that either Alistair is a terribly understanding and indulgent employer, or the leaker had good reason to believe that Alistair was giving them the nod on the quiet. We’ll have to wait for the inquiry to find out which is the case, but not to worry, British government enquiries always clear things up to everyone’s satisfaction, don’t they.
Conveniently the enquiry won’t report back until after the election and after everyone involved is brain dead, which in Alistair’s case happened quite some time ago. But for those of us who aren’t brain dead, that only leaves us with truthiness. Which of those two scenarios seems more plausible to you? Are Alistair’s pants on fire, or is he just looking a bit sweaty? Alistair Koalamichael is doing his very best to keep out of the limelight, and that’s not hard for a man who is so far up himself that it takes a colonoscopy to find him. My money is on the inflammable underwear.
It’s odd that the actual Tories in Scotland, those few that remain, were not contacted by the Torygraph so they could be outraged by the news that Nicla supposedly wants them to remain in power. The paper contacted Labour and Wullie Rennie. Because when there’s an important national story breaking which looks like it might have an immediate and decisive impact on a national election, Wullie Rennie is the first person you turn to. At least it is if you’re Alistair Carmichael.
The Labour party was fully involved in the production of this wee wheeze and thought they could get Nicla bang to rights – look she’s to rights like the Tories, they screamed in orchestrated unison, in time to the beat of the Tory press. Oooooh, pursed lipped Smugurphy said, aren’t the SNP the Tories’ little helpers just like I said in that press release John McTernan wrote for me just a few days ago. But the story fell apart even before any ink had smeared itself on the Telegraph’s printing press and Jim was covered in it looking like the opportunistic clown that we all know he really is.
Then Ed Miliband, with that masterful sense of timing and nose for the political zeitgeist which typifies the modern Labour party, managed to leap onto a bandwagon which had already careened off a cliff. Way to go to look statesmanlike and prime ministerial Ed. And it’s entirely his own fault for listening to the Smugurph. Come the next election, it’s going to be Scotland that superglues Ed’s wavy fingers and sticks it to him.
The BBC and the rest of the discredited media are still trotting out the allegations in the memo, even though the allegations have been killed, cremated, and their ashes scattered on the grave of the Labour party in Scotland. They know that it’s untrue, they know it’s a lie, but are determined to keep playing what if, in the vain hope that there might be someone somewhere in Scotland who is going to have their mind changed. But our minds are already made up, and we’ve decided that we’re pissed off at being patronised by idiots.
These are, let us remember, the same people who are always telling us that there needs to be more respect and decorum in politics. Politics are dragged into disrepute by working class people using working class language to slag off duplicitous lying basterts, they tell us while they play their infantile games. We must be respectful and stop saying childish things like Morphy Jim or the Smugurph and call Mr Murphy by his proper name and full title – so that would be: Jim Murphy BA Politics (failed).
And he’s fully living up to the name, having failed quite spectacularly this time. It hasn’t even taken him nine years. He’s only been the leader of the Labour party Scottish accounting unit for a few short months. That’s as close as Jim Murphy BA Politics (failed) is ever going to get to providing value for money. Jim and Labour in Scotland are, in the words of a Labour MP quoted in today’s Herald, at defcon fucked.
Today Jim Murphy BA Politics (failed) is in the Guardian, reduced to begging Scotland not to vote SNP out of anger at Labour. We are angry Jim, we’re angry with you, and we’re voting to get rid of you because your politics are the politics of abasement, the politics of the gutter, the politics of despair, the politics of cynical lies. We’re going to vote for the Scottish branch of the Occupy Westminster Movement, and we will make the changes that Jim will never implement himself.
We’re voting Jim, for a future that doesn’t have you and your style of cynical politics in it.
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