Here come the girls

So let’s have a heated debate! The party leaders lined up on Thursday evening to take turns at bashing David Cameron, because, let’s face it, he deserves it. It looked a bit like an afternoon gameshow, which to be honest isn’t far off the mark. It’s just seven to one instead of fifteen to one.

Quite shockingly, when reading the leaders’ biographies before the gameshow – sorry, the debate – I discovered that I am older than all seven of the party leaders and I’m not even that close to claiming my alicsammin buspass. But I’m even older than Nigel, which is gobsmacking, since I had always thought that Nigel Farage had been brought to us from the 1950s.

The three female leaders were there too, invited only because the broadcasters ran out of excuses not to invite any women after insisting that Nigel Farage had to be there because they reckon he gives good TV. It’s that post-masturbation smug grin of his, amazingly there are people in this world who are not put off by it.

For the Greens Natalie Bennett started by telling us that there’s no need for austerity. She was followed by Nigel, the gameshow had only just started and already Nige was putting all the blame on immigrants. Nick Clegg said he was really really sorry for everything. Nicla promised the hand of friendship to people across the rest of the UK and told them that together, hand in hand, we can give Westminster an almighty kick in the nads and get rid of Trident and austerity at the same time, which got a cheer from me.

Davie did his middle class patronising thing, like he was a Scottish political commentator complaining about working class people not being respectful enough when they talk about politics, and this time Dave wasn’t agreeing with Nick. They were followed by Lianne Wood who broke the world record for the number of times that anyone has ever said Plaid Cymru on telly. Then Ed Miliband got his forefingers and thumb stuck together with superglue and told us he wanted to be prime minister.

Ed kept looking directly at the camera and waving his superglued hand at us. Nigel Farage had a very shiny face and kept interjecting excitedly like a chimpanzee that had just discovered a barrel load of amphetamines. Nigel told us he was pissed off that “the canny Scots” were getting lots of freebies courtesy of the English taxpayer and said that Scotland should get less money. Nicla told him he was talking out of his monkey bum and pointed out that Scotland paid more in taxes. Then she laid into Ed Miliband, who was doing his best to keep his head down while he separated his forefingers from his thumb, for supporting the Tories’ austerity plans.

Where are the 12 billion cuts in benefits coming from? Which benefits are going to be cut? Nicla demanded that Davie spell that out. Who is going to lose out? Davie didn’t answer. Then Nigel got his chance and he blamed it all on foreigners again.

Why does Ed keep staring unblinkingly at the camera when he’s answering a point put to him by someone standing right beside him? It’s starting to creep me out.

The second question was about the NHS and how we can ensure that it’s properly funded. Nige got to answer first and he blamed it all on foreigners again, if the UK didn’t have to give money away to foreigners it could afford to abolish car parking charges at hospitals. Nicla pointed out that car parking charges at hospitals have already been abolished in Scotland and said that the SNP was utterly opposed to the creeping privatisation introduced by Labour and pursued with gusto by the Tories and the Lib Dems. All over England and Wales people were watching her and going “Ooooh so that’s why they wanted independence.”

Then there was some more waffle from the main Westminster party leaders and Ed Miliband did his unblinking staring at the cameras thing again. His fingers are still superglued together. This might be because in previous telly debates he’s done the waggy finger thing, but it was pointed out that this is a gesture most often found in the videos of suicide bombers and isn’t a good look for someone who wants to be prime minister. So the Labour PR folk got out the superglue. It’s as plausible as any other explanation. Don’t ask me what any of them were saying, because by this point I was thinking that we’re less than halfway through the proceedings and I was wondering whether I could cheer myself up by self-harming. Then Nigel blamed the problems of the NHS on foreigners with HIV and instead of self-harm I nearly harmed the TV screen with a shoe.

Davie’s speaking now. I can summarise it for you: “Lie lie lie lie lie, irrelevant, dissembling, lie, shiny face, smug git, lie.” Not coincidentally this is also the content of every Tory party political broadcast for the past 100 years.

Dear God, and it’s only half time. It’s at times like this I wonder why I ever gave up drugs. It’s immigration next apparently. Nigel’s gone on about little else for the past hour.

A wifie asks how the parties would deal with immigration. Ed does a staring eyed sub-Nigel impression. I’m really getting freaked out when Ed stares at the camera with his superglued fingers. He doesn’t blink. Are his eyelids superglued too? He looks like he’s wondering whether he’s left the gas on in one of his kitchens. This is the burning question of Ed’s election campaign so far.

Lianne Wood speaks some sense. The problems of this country were not caused by Polish building site workers but by bankers and the financial industry – by people like Nigel Farage come to think of it. Then Nicla gets to weigh in with actual facts and stuff and shows that it’s the women in this debate who are the only ones acting like grown ups. Ed’s still staring unblinkingly directly at the camera. I am seriously freaked out and don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. Davie came out with more shiny lies. But it’s Nigel who is really excited and happy now, the pub bore who’s allowed to bore on national TV on his favourite boreathon.

Davie said that there are three sides to the coin on immigration. Eh? Not entirely sure what shape his money is, and you’d think he’d know what with having a personal fortune in the millions.

Nicla said that it’s important to remember that diversity is a strength. See what I mean about women talking sense? She’s actually making a plea for a sensible and fact based discussion about immigration in a room with Nigel Farage in it. Ye’re on a hiding to nothing there Nicla, but kudos for trying. The women are streets ahead in this debate.

Ed’s staring unblinkingly at the camera again. His fingers are still stuck together. I’m scared. He keeps talking about those of us at home. At home, like he’s going to come and glue our fingers together. Davie Cameron weighs in, having lost his three sided coin, there’s no point trying to give a precis of what he’s saying because now all the men are shouting at once and in any case if it comes out of Davie’s mooth it’s bound to be a lie.

Nicla tries to get Davie, Ed and Nick to agree that since they were telling us last year that we’re a happy family of nations that none of the nations of the UK will be dragged out of the EU against its will. None of them answer.

Last question now. Thank god. A student sitting in front of a man with a seriously impressive moustache asks what the leaders will do for young people, who are faced with being worse off than their parents. Cue some meaningless waffle from Ed and Davie. Davie answers her by going on about pensions, because pensioners are young people as far as Tories are concerned. Nick Clegg comes across surprisingly well, although no one is going to forget that he’s still a lying bastert – he begs forgiveness for the student fees thing, but he’s not going to get any. The cameras cut back to the questioner and the background moustache. Neither look that impressed.

Nicla points out that in Scotland we don’t have tuition fees. She tells us that she’s from a working class family and is only standing there now because she got a free education. It’s morally wrong of politicians to deprive young people of the same chances that they themselves got. She gets a round of applause from the audience. Then it’s Nigel, who blames it all on abolishing grammar schools, and foreigners.

Then there’s some general shouting between the men as they all blame one another for the financial crisis – the fact that they’re all equally to blame doesn’t seem to occur to them. Natalie Bennett gets to speak and reminds them that they’re supposed to be talking about education.

Ooooh we’ve got a heckler. A woman stands up during a Camerondrone and says that the boys aren’t listening and aren’t addressing the concerns of the questioners. Cameron says that we have brilliant armed forces, let’s say thanks. Smug patronising git. The woman in the audience yells: “Shut up! We have veterans homeless on our streets!”

Gaun yersel hen! At last, a real human gets to speak unscripted. There’s an off camera slamming of a door. She got ejected. Proles shouldn’t make sensible points without permission.

The only people saying anything sensible in this debate are women. The parties which are opposed to austerity and the old boys’ network are represented by women. The parties which seek to change the system to make it fairer and more representative are led by women. Can you spot a wee theme here? It’s clear now – in Scotland vote SNP, in Wales vote Plaid, and in England vote Green. Here come the girls.

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36 comments on “Here come the girls

  1. scotsgeoff says:

    Simply fantastic!

    Thank you.

  2. Tinto Chiel says:

    Quines 3, Dorks 0.

    Not much else to say.

  3. what a stint, Paul, 10/10. #voteforthelassies

  4. macart763m says:

    That’s pretty much what I saw too Paul, but oh God those eyes, the eyes!!!!

    There was something deeply Lovecraftian about that stare. Nyarlyathotep the messenger of the old ones, the mindless gibbering madness at the gates. Eek!

    S’okay, its just the rabbit on the couch (long story). Note to self, must never watch debates in the dark. Especially if Ed is involved (shudder).

    The ladies did us proud, what little vox time they were given, they made pertinent points and schooled the boys on how to behave. Ignoring entirely at this point the post debate metro set bullshittery.

    I think our FM can call that a good night’s work.

  5. Mosstrooper says:

    Thanks Paul, what a night. Nicola wins the debate and 1200 people join the SNP during the word fest then you make me greet wi laughter. What a bloody great night . Ta!

  6. James Cassidy says:

    What struck me most was the disparity of substance between the “men” and the women. The lads were clearly not human. Clegg is Zippy from Rainbow, Cameron was Ray Alan’s Lord Charles, Farage was Charlie the monkey and Millipede was his usual Wallace and Gromit side kick. And when those guys showed their faces on tell and spoke, I became Spit the Dog. The girls on the other hand renewed my faith in party politics and made me feel that the future could be a better, kinder and more caring place.

  7. Hargaret Modge says:

    Loved it.
    I’m so glad they got all 7 of them together.
    The men were awful, every one of them and I think they knew it. Standing beside these very clever, well spoken, women they appeared to be so out of touch.
    It was a hoot.
    The men all seemed really sweaty.
    Miliband was the worst. His debate training must have been: look at the questioner and say their name then physically turn to the camera, stare straight at it and smile (like an imbecile)
    Keep smiling and don’t answer the question.
    I think that Clegg and Milliband had the same instructor. They both looked rehearsed.
    Cameron was the sweatiest.
    Farrage, well not worth comment really.
    But the women: cool, calm, collected and three winners.

  8. Albawoman says:

    Totally spot on!

  9. I’m so relieved to know I was not alone when it came to fingers and weird camera gazing. The women were more than a breath of fresh air, they’re a gale force to be reckoned with. Onwards and upwards. And a tiny tear I did shed.

  10. Jay fae Fife says:

    Great writing. You just need to decide if you’re an analyst, a pundit or a lampoonist. The lampooning side is great by the way.

  11. Great minds think alike. I just tweeted that tune with a dedication! 🙂

  12. WRH2 says:

    The thing that really struck me during the debate was that we expect this standard from Nicola. She knows her facts and puts them over really well. It wasn’t a surprise to us. But it will be interesting to see the effect this will have in the rUK. They don’t really know her since they don’t hear her very often. And I agree, the other girls do a good job as well.

  13. Gary says:

    I’m a new reader. Another Great piece, allways get a wee laugh from your quips. Keep up the good work

  14. shahallyon says:

    Lots of willy-waving from the males. Lots of common sense and workable solutions from the females.

  15. Clootie says:

    A few outstanding lines in a great article!
    Well done – again.

    Ps Nigel Farage “post masturbation grin” and “…cheer myself up with some self harming” achieved actual tears of laughter!!!

  16. Capella says:

    Very concise! I only watched the BBC “highlights” after the event. Your description fits perfectly. Another few hundred SNP members after that I would think. Natalie Bennett didn’t get to sum up or did the “highlights” just miss her out?
    Nicola was a fan of Borgen where these multi party debates were a “highlight” of the plot so she will have enjoyed the starring role. Look forward to the feedback.

  17. lisa says:

    Paul, I burst out laughing at your descriptions and couldn’t agree more!
    Msm will never admit that the women won and that Nicole was outstanding. They’ll likely devise as many manufactured ‘polls’ as they can to try to bury what we – the viewers – know.
    More and more of us have stopped believing msm for our ‘news’. Your posts are up there with the best commentaries, and what an eye you have! Thank you!

  18. lisa says:

    Sorry Nicola.

  19. imacg says:

    why was farage even there, what percentage of the population does he represent..? it’s like letting a wandering loon in aff the street.. Nicola was impressive.

  20. diabloandco says:

    Thank goodness your here – I just made a rare visit to the toxic Telegraph and I needed an antidote.

    Superglued hands and the chimp with the barrel load of amphetamines had me spluttering very happily.

  21. Nigel Mace says:

    Spot on – from title to close.

  22. hektorsmum says:

    Yup what we caught, we did not watch it all popped in during the breaks but fro your analysis more or less what we saw. Nicola as usual know her stuff and stuffing it to the laddies. Leanne also excellent and well capable of standing up for both herself and her country. Good to see Natalie Bennett managing her brief this time because I have heard her last car crash.
    Husband said Nicola is a good example of Scottish womanhood, after all the women run Scotland, we just let you men think you do. It is the Celtic thing in us.

  23. Reblogged this on Wake Up Before It's Too Late and commented:
    Spectacular summarisation of the debate last night…

  24. Andrew Brown (aka hektorsdad) says:

    Never mind 10 out of 10 – this was a Spinal Tap 11. Best lines for me were “I was wondering whether I could cheer myself up by self-harming” and “He looks like he’s wondering whether he’s left the gas on in one of his kitchens.”. Absolutely priceless, these had me in stitches all morning.

    On a serious note, who in their right mind votes for Farage and his party ? What appalling attitudes they have towards just about every part of society – and the world for that matter.

    Remember folks, the best man for the job is usually a woman (it’s my experience that they just get on with any task in the most efficient way possible without all the fuss, fankle and noise we men make).

  25. Betty Craney says:

    Peter Murrell has tweeted 1621 new members .

  26. adam591 says:

    Many thanks for enduring what I could not . 10 seconds of the blue tory was enough to have me reaching for the remote.
    Superb piece in the national.

  27. katherine hamilton says:

    Just so funny. Comment re Nigel’s grin and where he gets it! Probably the best line of the decade so far. You are to polemic what Gary Larsen is to cartooning. You are both nuts.
    Keep on keeping on.

  28. Jan Cowan says:

    Great piece, yet again, Paul. Also “Yumi Nationalism” in superb iScot magazine…..and I always believe every word you write!

  29. Sore feet says:

    2022 new members since the debate started. Oor Nicky wiped the flair wi them.

  30. Maureen says:

    Brilliant as usual Paul. Tears running down my face with laughter. So funny and true.

  31. Sooz says:

    Bonnie Greer tweeted her suspicion that Mme Tussaud’s was missing its waxwork of Cameron She was right, i think, because the one on stage was rigid and melting, and given that Nicola was on fire last night I’m not surprised. He was outclassed, outgunned and well out of his comfort zone.

    I thought the women were spectacular. Tag-teaming the blokes and showing them how it was done when you want a better life for all the people in Britain and not just for those with butlers and offshore tax havens.

  32. Susan says:

    Simply brilliant, laughed with tears all the way through the article. I just love all your articles. Thank you!

  33. pureantihero says:

    Reblogged this on Common Weal Fife and commented:
    The Wee Ginger Dug gives the definitive (and hilarious) account of the leaders’ debate.

  34. “three sides to the coin on immigration” line, had me on the floor!

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