By the power of numbskull

Poor Jim Murphy, he’s getting increasingly desperate as he runs on empty to destination nowhere, and still no one likes him. Even most of his own party can’t abide him – especially not most of his own party, as those poor benighted basterts actually have to deal with him face to face. Poor poor Jim, naebdie is sticking their paycard in the Labourometer, the lights are going out, and his gas is going peep. Poor Jim, everyone hates him and no one cares.

Jim spent much of Wednesday making increasing hysterical claims. The SNP are Cameron’s litle helpers, they’re in league with Satan, they’re the minor demons in the service of Be’elzecameron. The SNP sacrifices Curran chickens on the altar of Osborne. Jim stands alone as the guardian of the gates of Hades, keeping out the saltire face painted hell hordes armed with nothing more than an irn bru crate and the BBC Scotland news department on speed dial.

How can the SNP possibly target hard working honest Labour MPs who’ve never pauchled their expenses that much. It’s wrong. It’s unfair. And by trying to unseat Labour MPs the SNP is doing the Tories’ work for them. Because it’s only the Tories who are allowed to target Labour MPs. The SNP have no business getting involved in a British election. Didn’t Jim win the referendum for the Union armed with nothing more than an egg stained shirt and a megaphone so that Scotland could keep on having British elections? And where’s the thanks he gets eh? Bunch of ingrates, thae voters. Voters in Scotland are not supposed to think, they’re not supposed to make decisions. That sort of thing ought to be left to the likes of Jim.

Only the Tories have proprietary rights to attack Labour in Scotland in Jim’s mental universe. Which is just as well for Jim, because the Tories in Scotland have an even worse aim than the baddies in a Bruce Willis movie, and would never be able to take a pot shot at Jim as he jogs along in Eastwood. Jim’s a superhero, in his own mind if nowhere else, and he’s going to save the Labour party in Scotland so he’s got a career and can get on the telly.

Jim’s a superhero with a special superhero costume and a special superhero superpower. His supercostume is a Scotland top and his superpower is amnesia. He’ll fly into action from the giddy heights of an irn bru crate. He’ll yell at the media with the power of a megaphone. Jim’s forgotten that he’s not a socialist, he’s forgotten that he actively campaigned and bullied in order to get student fees introduced. He’s forgotten all about the Iraq war, privatisation, Tony Blair and sooking up to bankers. He hopes that the rest of us have forgotten too. By the power of numbskull!

Poor Jim Murphy. There he is a superhero with superpowers and the only power he’s got is the power to make Labour MPs vanish. Watch Magrit Curran fade away! See Jimmy Hood disappear! Anas Sarwar will inherit no more, Tom Harris will sink without a trace. Jim has achieved great things, and he’s done it all just by being himself and not the person he wants us to think he is. That’s Jim’s other superpower, but not the one he wants – we can see right through him.

In years to come this will be Jim’s legacy. He’ll be the fag end of the Labour party in Scotland. He’s the footnote, the epitaph, the full stop. Jim’s the little bit of concentrated poison at the end of a long drag that produces the death rattle. And in the history books it will be Jim’s name that’s mentioned when academics discuss how the Labour party died in Scotland, forever associated with killing the party he swore he’d save. Labour in Scotland was born in hope, conceived in fine ideals. It died with Jim’s spinning frantically with notes on his sleeve scribbled by John McTernan, trying shift Scotland further to the right than Ted Heath, trying to get Ed Miliband elected. Labour in Scotland died, not with a bang, but with a wimp.

Poor Jim, all those lies, all those untruths, all those half truths, all those stains on his soul, and all for Naughtie on Radio 4. Jim’s upset at the arrogance of the SNP, how dare they think they might win. That’s supposed to him that’s being arrogant, he’s had a lifetime’s practice for this moment. He was the big hitter, the superhero superstar, feted by the press, hailed by the media. He had his moment in the sun in the winter in Scotland. It didn’t go to plan. Poor Jim.

Jim was going to give the little people what for, he was going to put them in their place. Jim was going to smash the Alicsamminites and smite the Sturgeonistas. Jim had superpowers and a picture in the Guardian with a halo around his head. He was going to walk on the troubled water of the referendum, he was going to turn Labour’s rancid fish and wee bit of stale bread into a feast and feed the feeble forty. Jim was going to bring the lost Scottish sheep home, with his superpower of amnesia and his quiet voice and his McTernan dog whistles. It’s going to take a lot more than a miracle to save Labour’s sorry arses.

But the lost Scottish sheep have other ideas. We’re not fooled by Jim trying to herd us and take our dreams to the abattoir. Because it’s not us who’re in for the chop Jim, that would be you. Labour’s headed for the knacker’s yard, and there’s no superpower on earth that’s going to stop it.

Poor Jim Murphy. It’s almost possible to feel sorry for him as he stares oblivion and humiliation and disgrace in the face. Almost, but then you look at Jim as he spins and he lies and dissembles, and you think to yourself – couldn’t happen to a more deserving man.

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33 comments on “By the power of numbskull

  1. diabloandco says:

    Jim has just been aided and abetted by Huw Edwards repeating the immortal words of oor Jim ” the SNP are arrogant” which appears to be his latest drivel.
    I am so glad you continue to make me laugh – it stops me grinding my teeth with rage.
    My dentist might be quite pleased too!

  2. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Jimโ€™s a superhero, in his own mind if nowhere else,


    In the windmills of his postcode

  3. […] By the power of numbskull […]

  4. fillofficer says:

    you’re fixated..& not in a good way, thankfully

  5. Paul, you’re last paragraph had me worried for a wee minute, until I read the last seven words! Great piece!

  6. Robert Graham says:

    now what’s margrit & jimbob done to you now ? or should i say what have them two done for anyone ? lately ?-in the recent past ?- ever ? Glad none of Mc Ternan’s shit shifters have been seen on your blog yet ,you will recognise them undercover Jimbob supporters spreading their own brand of ? trying to think of a word without swearing , anyway you can just imagine the sweat running down the soon to be unemployed labour muck spreaders faces both of them ,roll on the night of the mass reduction -the revenge- the removal of the walking dead ,being a bit too dramatic eh ? must try & calm down

  7. macart763m says:

    Don’t know how you do it fella, but keep on doin’ it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    When it comes to oblivion, humiliation and disgrace…

    … Mr Murphy didn’t have a problem consigning a nation to that fate on the world stage. He didn’t have a problem demonising near half of that nation whilst selling the futures of all into a neoliberal hell, thereby ensuring future Conservative governments for all for as long as its current tenure as union partner lasts. So no, no I don’t feel sorry Jim Murphy in the slightest.

    I doubt people like Mr Murphy have any concept of the pain they cause whilst they’re playing ‘the game’.

    I doubt people like Mr Murphy can conceive of the pain of real poverty, the crushed pride, the fear of not knowing whether to pay a bill, feed the kids or just give up in despair. And when Mr Murphy and those dark arts spads sit in their back rooms dreaming up new and interesting ways to manipulate public perception, do they spare a second thought for the pain and misery, the societal division and hatred they spread? Do they ever lose sleep over that? I don’t suppose they’d be very good at their jobs if they did. It must take a super power right enough to do what they do to people.

    I’ll leave it to others better read and with larger vocabularies to dream up the sooperdooper name for it.

  8. Ah yes, Jim Murphy…a legend within his own underpants. Is delusional notifiable to the authorities?

    Another great dissection Paul.

  9. mumsyhugs says:

    I just have a wee mental picture of Jumbo huddled on the floor in a corner singing to himself “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll go and eat worms” ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. macart763 says:

    Paul’s piece in the National. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

    Go buy one, its worth it.

  11. Capella says:

    I almost feel sorry for him – but not quite.
    Robert Graham above has observed the upsurge in trolls in the comments of pro indy blogs sewing discord wherever possible. It can only get worse as May approaches – then next May (Holyrood elections) – then the May after that (Local Government elections).

    BTW your link to Derek Bateman is way out of date. New URL is:

    Now off to buy the National for more wit and wisdom from WGD!

    • JGedd says:

      Bella Caledonia appears to be under particular attack from trolls who can apparently spare the time to write lengthy rants and interrupt the thread with several contributions to the same thread.. I don’t know where they get the time. Perhaps it’s a tag team writing under the same alias? Anyway, they seem tireless and they are very annoying, which I suppose is the point of the exercise.

  12. Dunno what you’re all on about. Ed said vote NO at the referendum and then vote for Labour at the GE and HE will GIVE Scotland Home Rule. What is there to worry about? What’s the ploblim?

  13. Pam McMahon says:

    Has he taken his crate and megaphone down to E Renfrewshire yet, or do they do something a bit more upmarket in their Other Tory Seat? Krug krates perhaps? Sonance Kayak Speaker System?

    Yes, he can get on the telly. And on the radio. And in the ever-compliant newspapers. Unfortunately for the Labour party in Scotland, this strategy has stuffed them up good and proper.

    Your articles in the National are beginning to get full rein, and this one is brilliant.

  14. Andrew Brown (aka hektorsdad) says:

    Pure dead brilliant !

  15. mumsyhugs says:

    Paul, there’s a picture of Magrit on All Under One Banner with a big cardboard cutout of David Tennant – see if you can make something out of that! ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. Vince says:

    Just so damn perspicacious, amusing and interesting, Paul. You bring sanity to this Slab infested world of duplicity. If only all the Scottish public could read your writings.

  17. David Agnew says:

    You’d think they’d have the sense to see that Vote SNP get TORY won’t fly if the conservatives and the English MSM are chanting Vote SNP get Labour that’s under the thumb of Scotland.
    You just end up looking foolish. Scottish labour in a nutshell really.

  18. JGedd says:

    They should bring back flyting as a performance art. You would be the definitive exponent. Keep it coming, you’re better than a fresh breeze through the dank nether regions of Labourdom. The storm is coming!
    ( I also find Jim’s rustling, deathly tones creepy. Whispering Death Murphy bringing quietus to the stumbling, purposeless Labour drones. )

  19. hektorsmum says:

    Well I blame the media for Dim Jim’s problems they build them up just like Gordon ( the man whose name must be mentioned in our house) and then they bring them down, one would hope they will let him retire gracefully, I won’t I would love to be there when he loses.

  20. gerry parker says:

    Been out leafleting last night and all afternoon in Coatbridge, we’ve a 20,000 majority to overcome.

    Any local folk looking for something to do on Monday evening, Ivan McKee is giving a talk in the Georgian Hotel in Lefroy street at 7:30 on the SNP economic policies for SME’s.

    Should be interesting even if you aren’t a small or medium sized business, always gives you knowledge you can use in a discussion.

    Great piece once again Paul. Good to hear you are still off the fags and life’s getting a bit better for you.

  21. handclapping says:

    “Jimโ€™s the little bit of concentrated poison at the end of a long drag that produces the death rattle.”

    What the Dickens, or are you on a rate per word too?

    “Jim’s SLAB’s Dignitas.” Just 3 words, sorted.

    PS Loved it really ๐Ÿ˜€

  22. Betty Craney says:

    You’re on fire this weather ,Paul ! Between here and the National you’ve had a great week and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every article .( wiping tears of laughter as I write ) . Keep them coming , please ! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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