So that’s it then, the Coalition formally ended last night at midnight as the Westminster Parliament dissolved itself in a vat of acid. OK, not that last bit, a spot of wishful thinking there. The really good news, people of the East End of Glasgow, is that Magrit Curran isn’t our MP now. And it’s looking as though she never will be again. That’s got to be worth a wee rejoice or three, or four.
Magrit was in the papers today, trying to save her job. She wants us to know that if we don’t vote for her and her pals, Scotland will no longer become the most fair country in the history of fairness. That’s Labour fairness, the fairness that introduced zero hours contracts, PPI rip offs, presided over growing inequality, let the banks run riot, did nothing to tackle the gross imbalance in Scottish land ownership and allowed one of the most resource rich countries in Europe to allegedly become a financial basket case dependent upon hand-outs from Westminster. The fairness that took what was once a left wing party and moved it further to the right than the pre-Thatcherite Tories. The Labour party whose sole selling point is that it is not the Conservative party that it increasingly resembles. That Labour fairness. And to think if we vote SNP we might put all that at risk and drag Labour kicking and screaming back to the centre ground. No wonder Magrit is appalled.
But then Magrit has become a by-word for counter factual statements which are dressed up in Labour press releases and published in the papers and broadcast on the telly. And are then, gobsmackingly, taken seriously by serious people who you’d think really ought to know better. Scotland is a country whose media lets it be patronised by Magrit Curran. That’s Labour fairness. Vote Labour and be patronised by self-serving morons.
Not that Magrit can really be blamed, and not only because nothing is ever Magrit or the Labour party’s fault. She can’t be blamed because she’s only acting like Labour MPs have always acted. Besides, if you look up the word magritcurran in a Scots dictionary it’s defined as “to be in a state of self-aggrandising delusion, hallucinatory”. As in: “I’m sorry I can’t do anything productive at work today, I’ve come over a bit magritcurran. But I’ll still be claiming my expenses.”
It’s not just Magrit whose relationship to reality is tangential at best. Jim Murphy seems to have forgotten that he’s a Labour MP, at least if his election leaflets are anything to go by. In a shameless attempt to appeal to the Tory voters of East Renfrew, Jim’s election leaflets don’t once mention that he’s a Labour MP. It’s a terribly Tory tactic. David Mundell’s election leaflets likewise fail to mention he’s Scotland’s only Conservative MP.
It’s not like we were voting Labour for any positive reasons. Labour stopped having anything positive to offer a generation ago. In some ways, the Unionist parties are misnamed by those of us who support independence. They’re not so much supporters of the Union as opposed to anything which might reduce their own power and influence. Desperateselfishbastertists would be a better term for the Labour-Tory-LibDem axis.
Labour MPs in Scotland behave like they do because they’ve been able to get away with it. They’ve been effectively unaccountable representatives of an unaccountable accounting unit. And we must take responsibility for allowing them to get away with it by blindly voting for them in such large numbers that they were able to take us for granted, simply in order to keep out something that was worse. But it didn’t work. Voting Labour doesn’t keep the Tories out. It’s their sole selling point, and it’s not even true. Voting Labour is like buying a toothpaste made entirely out of sugar in the hope it will protect you from tooth decay.
We’ve begged them to change. We’ve pleaded. We’ve sent sharply worded letters of complaint to the editor of the Herald. We voted them out at Holyrood. Nothing worked. Scotland’s Labour MPs remain as entitled as lairds with their vast fiefdoms. So it’s time for a peasants’ revolt. It’s the only way to put an end to being patronised by the self-serving morons in the pages of the press and in the TV studios.
Scotland, despite us being constantly told by the desperateselfishbastertists that we’re the most devolviest and fairest country that’s not really a country in the history of happy unions of nations, doesn’t have a representative media. Uniquely amongst self-governing nations we don’t have control over our own broadcasting. This leads to the surreal situation where the Westminster Parliament and MPs for Sussex had to be consulted when there were proposals for a Gaelic language telly channel. Apparently the issue of whether Postman Pat should be broadcast in Gaelic is on immense concern in the pubs of Lewes as well as Lewis. It also leads to Scottish viewers hearing more on the news about the educational and health systems in England than about those in Scotland. It means we have to keep hearing about bloody Ukip, a party which only got the meagre support it has in Scotland because it’s never off the bloody BBC. It means Nigel Farage is always on the telly with that smug look like a teenager who’s just discovered masturbation. But then Nigel doesn’t really need to masturbate because he’s got the BBC to stroke him instead.
It means Scotland has no national forum in which to discuss national concerns. This is Magrit’s fairness. Scotland’s distinctiveness is subsumed into the larger UK and prevented from being too different in case it gives us ideas above our proper station in life, which is to act as a spot of Caledonian ethnic colour in the patchwork of Britishness, allowing the desperateselfishbastertist parties to pretend that British nationalism isn’t really nationalism at all.
A Scottish national public broadcaster might not let the Labour accounting unit get away with shamelessly conflating devolved issues with those reserved to Westminster. It might ask the Labour party why it’s banging on about the NHS in a Westminster election when the NHS is controlled by Holyrood not Westminster. It might ask Jim Murphy why he’s so ashamed and embarrassed by the very party he purports to lead that he can’t even bring himself to mention it on his own election leaflets. Those would be fair questions. We can vote Labour, and get Magrit’s definition of fairness, or we can vote to define fairness for ourselves.
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