The definition of fairness

So that’s it then, the Coalition formally ended last night at midnight as the Westminster Parliament dissolved itself in a vat of acid. OK, not that last bit, a spot of wishful thinking there. The really good news, people of the East End of Glasgow, is that Magrit Curran isn’t our MP now. And it’s looking as though she never will be again. That’s got to be worth a wee rejoice or three, or four.

Magrit was in the papers today, trying to save her job. She wants us to know that if we don’t vote for her and her pals, Scotland will no longer become the most fair country in the history of fairness. That’s Labour fairness, the fairness that introduced zero hours contracts, PPI rip offs, presided over growing inequality, let the banks run riot, did nothing to tackle the gross imbalance in Scottish land ownership and allowed one of the most resource rich countries in Europe to allegedly become a financial basket case dependent upon hand-outs from Westminster. The fairness that took what was once a left wing party and moved it further to the right than the pre-Thatcherite Tories. The Labour party whose sole selling point is that it is not the Conservative party that it increasingly resembles. That Labour fairness. And to think if we vote SNP we might put all that at risk and drag Labour kicking and screaming back to the centre ground. No wonder Magrit is appalled.

But then Magrit has become a by-word for counter factual statements which are dressed up in Labour press releases and published in the papers and broadcast on the telly. And are then, gobsmackingly, taken seriously by serious people who you’d think really ought to know better. Scotland is a country whose media lets it be patronised by Magrit Curran. That’s Labour fairness. Vote Labour and be patronised by self-serving morons.

Not that Magrit can really be blamed, and not only because nothing is ever Magrit or the Labour party’s fault. She can’t be blamed because she’s only acting like Labour MPs have always acted. Besides, if you look up the word magritcurran in a Scots dictionary it’s defined as “to be in a state of self-aggrandising delusion, hallucinatory”. As in: “I’m sorry I can’t do anything productive at work today, I’ve come over a bit magritcurran. But I’ll still be claiming my expenses.”

It’s not just Magrit whose relationship to reality is tangential at best. Jim Murphy seems to have forgotten that he’s a Labour MP, at least if his election leaflets are anything to go by. In a shameless attempt to appeal to the Tory voters of East Renfrew, Jim’s election leaflets don’t once mention that he’s a Labour MP. It’s a terribly Tory tactic. David Mundell’s election leaflets likewise fail to mention he’s Scotland’s only Conservative MP.

It’s not like we were voting Labour for any positive reasons. Labour stopped having anything positive to offer a generation ago. In some ways, the Unionist parties are misnamed by those of us who support independence. They’re not so much supporters of the Union as opposed to anything which might reduce their own power and influence. Desperateselfishbastertists would be a better term for the Labour-Tory-LibDem axis.

Labour MPs in Scotland behave like they do because they’ve been able to get away with it. They’ve been effectively unaccountable representatives of an unaccountable accounting unit. And we must take responsibility for allowing them to get away with it by blindly voting for them in such large numbers that they were able to take us for granted, simply in order to keep out something that was worse. But it didn’t work. Voting Labour doesn’t keep the Tories out. It’s their sole selling point, and it’s not even true. Voting Labour is like buying a toothpaste made entirely out of sugar in the hope it will protect you from tooth decay.

We’ve begged them to change. We’ve pleaded. We’ve sent sharply worded letters of complaint to the editor of the Herald. We voted them out at Holyrood. Nothing worked. Scotland’s Labour MPs remain as entitled as lairds with their vast fiefdoms. So it’s time for a peasants’ revolt. It’s the only way to put an end to being patronised by the self-serving morons in the pages of the press and in the TV studios.

Scotland, despite us being constantly told by the desperateselfishbastertists that we’re the most devolviest and fairest country that’s not really a country in the history of happy unions of nations, doesn’t have a representative media. Uniquely amongst self-governing nations we don’t have control over our own broadcasting. This leads to the surreal situation where the Westminster Parliament and MPs for Sussex had to be consulted when there were proposals for a Gaelic language telly channel. Apparently the issue of whether Postman Pat should be broadcast in Gaelic is on immense concern in the pubs of Lewes as well as Lewis. It also leads to Scottish viewers hearing more on the news about the educational and health systems in England than about those in Scotland. It means we have to keep hearing about bloody Ukip, a party which only got the meagre support it has in Scotland because it’s never off the bloody BBC. It means Nigel Farage is always on the telly with that smug look like a teenager who’s just discovered masturbation. But then Nigel doesn’t really need to masturbate because he’s got the BBC to stroke him instead.

It means Scotland has no national forum in which to discuss national concerns. This is Magrit’s fairness. Scotland’s distinctiveness is subsumed into the larger UK and prevented from being too different in case it gives us ideas above our proper station in life, which is to act as a spot of Caledonian ethnic colour in the patchwork of Britishness, allowing the desperateselfishbastertist parties to pretend that British nationalism isn’t really nationalism at all.

A Scottish national public broadcaster might not let the Labour accounting unit get away with shamelessly conflating devolved issues with those reserved to Westminster. It might ask the Labour party why it’s banging on about the NHS in a Westminster election when the NHS is controlled by Holyrood not Westminster. It might ask Jim Murphy why he’s so ashamed and embarrassed by the very party he purports to lead that he can’t even bring himself to mention it on his own election leaflets. Those would be fair questions. We can vote Labour, and get Magrit’s definition of fairness, or we can vote to define fairness for ourselves.

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42 comments on “The definition of fairness

  1. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Still reading but had to stop and post. We have no MPs and if they use MP after their names they are acting illegally. They are prospective MPs.

    So, why are Mundell etc still using MP on their hashtags?

    Bring out the tumbril and beat the drum slowly.

  2. Andrew Brown says:

    Couldn’t agree more about Labour and the BBC. Watching BBC News this morning Laura Bicker reporting from the ‘region’ of Scotland (yes, it was briefly introduced by the London anchor as such before being subtly corrected to one of the ‘four nations’) who talked about the SNP ‘stealing’ Labour seats.

    What ! Labour don’t own these seats. Nor does any other political party. We, the voters, decide to whom we will lend our votes at each election. Talk about a sense of entitlement. I don’t think Labour/the BBC(same thing really) understand how angry this sort of arrogant, presumptive attitude makes people like me feel.

    I’ll decide who I vote for. I’ve not been given a vote just to cast it on their behalf.

  3. Pam McMahon says:

    Is this her official political platform – S’no fair?

    I’m impressed. The Labour party, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, does not usually put so much thought and logical consideration into their election messages to their prospective voters.

  4. David McCann says:

    Aye. Magrit has form when it comes to porkies.
    Like the time she denied she knew who Denis Healey was, until she was unmasked by a former Labour colleague.

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      She is also suffering early stage dementia as she seems not to know where she loves.

    • Jeez, there just never seems to be any end to the amount of lies this woman has indulged in. I’m just not gonna be able to stomach it if people in the East End vote her back in – it would be tear your hair out frustrating. Hopefully the 14 point lead that the Ashcroft poll put Natalie McGarry on is just too big for her to surmount. This seat will definitely be one of the sweetest victories, if it happens. Trying not to get too excited…🙂

  5. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    “That’s Labour fairness, the fairness that introduced zero hours contracts, PPI rip offs, presided over growing inequality, let the banks run riot, did nothing to tackle the gross imbalance in Scottish land ownership and allowed one of the most resource rich countries in Europe to allegedly become a financial basket case dependent upon hand-outs from Westminster”

    I doubt that Magrit has the IQ, or even self awareness to understand that never mind be aware of what it reveals to the great unwashed, P45 time soon, how sweet,

  6. Bill Hume says:

    The very threat of a Scottish broadcasting unit, financed and accountable to Holyrood, must send shivers up the spines of many in BBC Scotland. Or rather it would if they weren’t all molluscs and thus spineless. Perhaps even the possibility of it will concentrate a few minds in the run up to the election………although I wouldn’t bet on it.

  7. Robert Graham says:

    ha ha a good read ,and i enjoy your bit in the independent ,the editorial staff must be sh—-g themselves when your contribution lands on their desk i hope your column is not going to be eh what’s that latest yank phrase -oh redacted thats it you must let us know when your party celebrating yer pal margrits P45 presentation is going to take place and i hope you have reserved your place right in front of her at the declaration with a big placard saying it was me it was me who got you punted hen by the way ha ha and with a wee tear as she leaves the building taxi for curran shes paying by the way no us any longer

  8. Ah could be wrong here, Paul, but ah think yir aff Magrit’s Christmas card list!

  9. diabloandco says:

    Just been reading some crap and comment in the Herald.
    Glad I thought to check my mailbox otherwise I might have had a very depressed day!
    Thanks as always.

  10. macart763 says:

    I don’t think it was fair when we were taken into an illegal war. I don’t think it was fair when Gordo raided pensions for £100bn and sold off gold reserves for the lowest price he could find. I certainly don’t think it was fair when Labour unleashed the banks to wreak havoc on the city and gamble our cash away and don’t fucking get me started on expenses and cash/ermine for access.

    However ‘unfair’ Labour thinks the current electoral situation is, it pales into insignificance in the face of their actions for the past several decades.

  11. Albawoman says:

    If BBC Scotland’s election coverage is going to be anything like the very disturbing interview between Angus Robertson and Gordon Brewer yesterday then we are in for a horrendous next few weeks.

  12. INDEPENDENT says:

    Aye Brewer was a disgrace, I think Angus would have been perfectly entitled, (after his third attempt to answer was shouted down literally before he spoke) to have just unclipped his microphone and empty chaired Brewer.

  13. heathermclean19 says:

    Love, love , love your blog Paul and this is one of your best!
    I’m laughing out so loud here people are giving me funny looks!
    It always brightens my day when you appear in my email inbox – just love the new words “deperateselfishbasterists” and “magritcurran” – so descriptive!! Hehehe!
    Keep up the brilliant work Paul – LOVE IT!

  14. kat hamilton says:

    just when i thought the bbc were playing ball by showing the wonderful, uplifting snp conference at the weekend they had to show their true colours by allowing brewer to savage the affable angus roberson on sunday politics. its got my hackles up to watch this farce, there is just hostility and bile left for what once was journalism. is there no redress for this…take a bow angus for keeping calm in the face of such disdain. wish i could unleash my disgust to the bbc but would they let me even comment if i called their switchboard….

  15. Gary says:

    I must disagree with your ‘toothpaste’ analogy. Were you to brush with pure sugar and then lose your teeth you WOULD be safe from decay. The Labour Party can, however, continue to damage the ‘health of the patient’ ad nauseum…

  16. Pam McMahon says:

    I just watched this interview on BBC iPlayer, because I don’t have a licence anymore. It was dire. It wasn’t even an interview, in the journalistic sense. It was a Labour party supporter hysterically screaming at a competent SNP politician, without allowing him an opportunity to answer any of the questions he put.

    No change there, then. And all paid for by Scottish citizens who want to keep paying for the State Broadcaster.

  17. johnmcgurk66 says:

    I think the more that labour rattle on in Scotland the more obvious it will become how out of touch
    they are to the people they were supposed to serve. We have to be strong and take nothing for granted . As we all know from past experience the opposition will try every dirty trick in the book .
    But I think the Scottish public is much more savvy now .

  18. Gavin C Barrie says:

    B the Panda comments on Magrit’s IQ are a bit unkind, however, if an organisation sponsors a number of students through a further education course, I put it to you, would said sponsorship enhance the chances of gaining the qualification, for commercial reasons? After all, once graduated and away, said students, and their behaviour would no longer be the responsibility of the college/university. just saying like.

    I did type initially Maigrait (spelling?), for Magrit. Now there’s a slip for those of you old enough to recall the French detective series.

    Regards Labour’s list of wrongdoings when in power. The Iraq war, and PFI have equal pegging. Both policies crippled the respective nations. Blair and Brown disgust me. That the media gives Brown air time extends my disgust to them.

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      Sorry Gavin but Magrit is either showing early stage dementia, forgettong who D Healy was, where she lived during the Mason vrs Magrit by-election,. and the fake retired sodjer with the fake medals, for example, or she was and is lying through her teeth.

      You pays your money and you makes your choice,. Personally I hope she is just a liar and she will live to see her World coming down around her after the 8th of May.

      Apart from that I wish her no personal tragedies.

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      A propos Maigret, I have been trying to read him in French. I read maybe a page or two, get tired and recharge on the blogs.

  19. fillofficer says:

    there will be no fairness in the next 5 weeks & then there will be even less. we need UDI. get rid o these fokkers

  20. Gavin C Barrie says:

    @ B the Panda: Magret may have dementia? Who knows, and it could explain her forgetfulness /lying.
    Perhaps she is unscrupulous? Yeah, I think that fits, best ask her pal Johann though, she’ll know.

    Then maybe she has the Murphy maladie, “it’s only words”.

    @ fillofficer: There is no merit in playing in sandshoes when the other side are wearing tackety boots.

    • Fillofficer says:

      But is it a level playing field…..I think not

    • We’ve not seen much of Johann lately. Did she ever get that knife out from between her shoulderblades?

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      Interestingly I am currently reading Peter Oborne’s book on the Rise of Political Lying. OK, he is arch Tory and glosses over M Thatcher’s great big lie about oil and Scotland, but he traces the lying culture in Labour to Tony Blair who lied as easily as he said Good Morning to the office cleaner.

      Of course lying was already there, viz Peter Madelson but Blair listened to Madelson and justified lying as being justifiable as a counter measure to what they perceived to be the Tory Press lying bias. It was a justifiable lie, permitted to achieve a just outcome. Problem with that line of thought is that it leads down a dark path of industrialised lying to the extent that what you and I would know as truth, was a stranger.

      I do not want to go into religion and lying has been justified by all religions at different times, usually adversity but Tony Blair’s conversion to Roman Catholicism may have helped him in his self justification, maybe? That saying Campbell and Mandelson, both weapons grade manipulators of the truth, were not religious.

      Jim Murphy and Magrit seem to me to fall into the culture that lying is acceptable with the difference from Tony Blair in that their truthful objective is not the betterment of the voters but themselves.

      • Fiona says:

        You really think that Tony Blair was aiming for the betterment of the voters? Really????

        To me the difference lies elsewhere. Tony Blair was not a liar; he was a bullshitter. That is one who genuinely has no concern for the truth at all

        Murphy may well also be a bullshitter, but if he is he is not as good at it as Blair. I do not know where to place Ms Curran on this spectrum, but I suspect she is just not very bright

        • Bugger (the Panda) says:

          You really think that Tony Blair was aiming for the betterment of the voters? Really????

          I never said that Fiona???

          I said that was his self justification. I believe he became an inveterate liar, because the idea of objective truth became what he wanted it be,
          Murphy is following the same path and developing the same symptoms.

          Magrit is just stupid and repeats what she is primed to say and nothing else. Completely incapable of thinking on her own. She just hasn’t enough buttons.

  21. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Paul WGD

    Excellent article in the National today.
    You are coming into your own and are sure to go further.
    Meat and twp veg for you,
    Go get ’em Floyd.

  22. Liked? Loved! your article in the national today. A precise model of how to write. The sting in the tail. I honestly dunno how you write so consistently and so often and with such invention. Just let it all flow, Paul – yours is really the only valid form of political commentary on the circus that masquerades as politics. It keeps us all sane.

  23. macart763m says:

    Great piece in the National Paul.

    What difference between the launches, night and day. Gordo behind closed doors with Maigrit…

    … I’ll rephrase that. Gordo in a closed door launch and Nicola in the Fort.

    If a picture paints a thousand words then you have the difference between British Labour and the SNP right there.

  24. Edulis says:

    Fantastic article in the National. Once Magrit gets the bullet, watch out for yourself now. Another thing, we don’t want her resurfacing as an MSP next year, so you have to keep offering that inimitable disdain which is your trademark.

  25. Albaman says:

    When are you going to get that wee dug of yours to pull its tail in, so that the “heading” of your blog is all in view on my/our IPads ?.

    • weegingerdug says:

      I’d have to redesign the whole header. It’s one of those things I keep telling myself I’ll get round to, like declogging the gutter.

      • Albaman says:

        Well I’m not too worried, in as much I rather see you gainfully employed with your writing here, and in “The National”,
        and out canvassing in order to rid yourself and the ward of the M.P. you call Margrit!!.
        Such a change from the tail end of last year Paul eh, funny ol life eh?.

  26. macart763m says:

    Take it you’ve seen the Telegraph/Mail clusterfuck over Nicola and what she didn’t say Paul?

    I’m guessing the performance in the debate really rattled some cages t’other night. Apparently French consul has already knocked the story on the head as has the FM.

    And the smear campaign continues.

    Its what they do.

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