So have you cahooted with anyone recently? Labour says that if you vote SNP you’re in cahoots with the Tories, meanwhile the Tories say that if you vote SNP you’re in cahoots with Labour, while they themselves cahoot with Ukip. The only party no one is cahooting with is the Lib Dems, but that’s only because it’s difficult to conspire with a body which is already dead, and even Derek Ancora can’t raise Danny Alexander’s career from its well deserved grave.
You may, oh simple minded Scottish person, think that you’re voting SNP and are going to get the SNP, but in fact you’ll really be voting for Labour and the Tories and Ukip all at the same time. The only party you won’t be voting for when you vote SNP is the SNP. But also at the same time, it is dreadfully un-British of Scotland to vote for all those British parties simultaneously, and it’s a sinister threat to the integrity of the YooKay.
Faced with the prospect of being kept out of office because of Scottish votes, the Tories are in a particularly sour faced mood, although it’s not easy to tell the difference because being in a sour faced mood is the default condition of the Conservative party. According to assorted Tory spokesranters, it would be a disgracefully sinister subversion of democracy if they were prevented from forming the government because Scottish people won’t vote for them. Scottish people haven’t voted Tory for a generation, but that’s never cramped the Tories’ style until now. However that was because Scottish voters previously elected Labour MPs, who are a byword for uselessness. Look up Scottish Labour in a dictionary of political definitions and you’ll find that Scottish Labour doesn’t actually exist. It’s hardly surprising that a fictitious party can’t successfully resist the depredations of the very real malice of the Conservatives.
Faced with the prospect of a big group of SNP MPs giving them the finger, the Tories are purple faced with anger, making them indistinguishable from Ukip. The Tories have been unable to attain a majority in any general election since the 1990s, and the occupation of Scotland by an anti-Tory bloc doesn’t make life any easier for them. No more Danny Alexanders to sook up to them, and no more a Labour party which will adopt Tory policies in an effort to make itself electable in Bedfordshire.
The Tories could end up being the largest single party in Westminster, yet still unable to form a government. They think this is unfair, everyone else thinks it’s what they get for doing all they could to undermine the Lib Dem demand for proportional representation. They also did all the could to ensure that Scotland remained in the Union, and so ensured that the SNP remained a British political party. Now they’re complaining that the SNP isn’t sufficiently British for their tastes and warning voters in England that Ed Miliband is in Alicsammin’s pocket. Like that’s a bad thing. What happened to the love bombs and telling us that Scotland’s voice was a valued and much loved addition to UK national life, eh? Suck it up Tory boys and girls, suck it up.
Meanwhile Labour is equally convinced that the SNP is conniving with the Tories to get people not to vote Labour. In an effort to shore up what little support they have left, Jim Murphy is now promising all sorts of goodies, which will apparently be paid for by taxing mansions in London, or something. Jim’s real problem is that no one is listening to his guff any more. Whenever he appears on the telly, all anyone hears in that creepily soft spoken tone of his is blah blah blah patriotic Scot blah blah football blah irn bru blah blah. It doesn’t matter what Jim says any more, because most people in Scotland are already convinced that if it comes out of Jim’s gob, it must be a lie. Whereas for normal people, what they say is considered truthful until proven to be a lie, Jim’s now crossed into that dangerous territory where those who’ve lost trust live – what he says is considered to be a lie unless there is overwhelming proof that it’s not. When that happens to a politician, they really just need to acknowledge defeat and seek employment elsewhere. Fingers crossed that will be Jim’s fate in May.
Labour’s only real talent is the ability to inspire odium in such a wide and diverse range of people. Labour is the giant ego at the party, the one who thinks it’s all about them. They seem unable to understand that SNP voters and Tories are perfectly capable of hating the Labour party for entirely different and unrelated reasons, so it has to be cahooting.
Labour’s giant ego was on display in the House of Commons on Thursday, as Gordie Broon actually turned up for once – but only so he could give his last ever speech. Gordie thinks that everyone is in cahoots with everyone else, but whatever it is they’re cahooting, none of it is Gordie’s fault. Mainly however he was annoyed, not that Tory proposals for English votes for English laws threaten to make Scottish residents second class citizens, but worse, far worse, that they threaten to make Scottish MPs second class. Gordie would have few problems with the first of those propositions. He just wanted to put it on record that none of it has anything to do with him. Funnily enough, that vow he was supposed to be shepherding through the Westminster Parlie seems to have slipped his mind entirely. But then Gordie is in cahoots with his inflated sense of self-worth.
As a simple minded Scottish person, my wee brain can’t quite comprehend all this rampant cahootment. All that is really coming across is that the UK media and establishment are shitting bricks at the prospect of Scotland’s voters taking them at their word and believing them when they told us last year that they valued and loved our uniquely Caledonian take on all that is British. Being a cahootsy Caledonian conspirator, the British establishment crapping itself seems to me to be a good thing. So feck it – I’m just going to vote SNP anyway. It will get rid of Magrit Curran, and everything else is a delicious bonus prize.
Getting rid of my local Labour waste of space is the political principle I care most about anyway. Magrit’s sole claim to fame is having a vegetable based plastic used for making fishing rods named after her. It’s all that she’ll be remembered for. Coincidentally it also explains a great deal about the demise of the Labour party in Scotland – the party has sunk so low in public esteem because it consists of vegetables on fishing expeditions who pose as lumps of bent plastic. And nothing Jim Murphy can say or do will alter that impression in time to save his party.
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