Vote Labour, vote stupid, vote glue sniffer

Ed Miliband was in Clydebank on Monday, speaking to what Labour calls a mass rally. Once upon a time, way back in the mythical age of fairy stories and magic wireless and inventing the NHS, Labour had mass rallies which involved a Labour leader addressing a cheering crowd of thousands who’d flock to hear him because the telly was in black and white and Jimmy Savile still had a career on the BBC. Nowadays Labour’s definition of a mass rally is collecting the useless tubs of lard who sit for the party in the House of Commons into one room, calling on some obliging full colour TV cameras, and hoping that their combined inertia can be mistaken for weighty.

Ed was in evangelical mode, mostly because only divine intervention is going to save Labour in Scotland now. He was preaching to his small and rapidly diminishing flockette about the evils of the unholy alliance between the SNP and the Tories. This came as something of a surprise to the SNP, and indeed to the Tories, who are even less on speaking terms with one another than Labour is. And Labour has spent the past eight years sulking in its bedroom and refusing to talk to anyone, perfecting the pouty spoiled entitled brat school of politics. It’s safe to say that Labour has that off pat by now, and has thoroughly mastered the art of spoiled entitlement, proving that the party is good for something after all.

As the little group huddled together, fearing just how flocked they are, the Labour adenoid told them how immensely upset he was that the SNP was diverting Labour from its historic mission to adopt Conservative policies wholesale so that Ukip voters in Essex will vote for it. The SNP is forcing the Labour party to act like a proper Labour party and preventing it from being just like the Tory party, he complained. Even worse, they’re doing it on purpose, he thundered. Well, not thundered exactly, this is Ed Miliband. Instead he sounded like a kitten with a bad head cold which was annoyed that it couldn’t reach its ball of wool.

Because of the nasty SNP, the only way Labour can get elected in Scotland is by being left wing. But because of the nasty Tories the only way Labour can get elected in England is by being right wing. Ed Balls has a right not to find George Osborne’s budget objectionable, and the word of Gord tells him to announce to the press that he wouldn’t change anything if he was in power. However in Scotland, Jim Murphy has to adopt an unconvincing socialist drag, like a creepier version of Dracula’s minion trying to pretend that the Garibaldis he proffers to the voters do not contain actual flies. All Labour in Scotland has to offer is a graveyard of insects.

Ed thinks this is unfair, and Labour’s current difficulties are not because Labour has spent the last twenty years in an ever rightwards triangulation dance with the Thatcherite tendency of the UK press. It’s all the fault of those horrible Scottish voters for getting pissed off and saying they’re not going to put up with it any more. That’s just unholy. Indeed it’s blasphemy. The job of Scotland’s voters is not to think, not to expect anything, not to have any expectations. Their job is to shut up and vote for Magrit Curran and Jim Murphy, like a good little flock of Labour sheep.

In aid of this Labour has been putting another leaflet through people’s doors. Another effort delivered by the postie because Labour doesn’t have enough activists on the ground to do it for them. It boasts, amongst other things, that Labour is opposed to tuition fees, that it will ban “exploitative” zero hours contracts, forgetting to tell us that it was Labour which introduced tuition fees and zero hours contracts in the first place. They hope we don’t remember. That’s Labour for you, it’s the party of glue sniffers with advanced dementia.

The leaflet repeats the lie that Labour clings to like a lifebelt – the lie that only the largest party in the Commons can form the government. But it’s simple arithmetic – 323 is the size of a majority. So if Labour has 275 seats, the Tories 280, and the SNP 50, then the Tories can’t form a government, because they can’t come close to a majority. Labour could be a minority government reliant upon the kindness of the SNP. If Labour can’t cope with simple arithmetic, then how can we expect them to cope with the more complex sums involved in budget calculations? Labour hopes we can’t count. Vote Labour, vote stupid, vote glue sniffer.

Meanwhile, the sordid squirming can of worms of Labour local government has had its lid prised off again. In North Lanarkshire a Labour cooncillor is suing the party for allegedly damaging his name and reputation after he raised questions about a deal done by the council with a company run by the husband of Glasgow’s Labour Lord Provost. The leader of North Lanarkshire council has admitted being a personal friend of the Lord Provost and her company director husband, but has denied that this friendship influenced the decision to award the company the contract.

It’s all a depressingly familiar tale. Move along, nothing to see here … and don’t expect an in depth investigation on BBC Reporting LabourScotland any time soon. We will instead be invited to sympathise with the emotional trauma that the stalwart Labour party members have all been put through.

However the interesting point here is not so much that there are allegations of nefarious and underhand doings in a Labour cooncil – because that’s pretty much a given with a Labour cooncil – it’s that the Labour cooncillor doing the suing can’t sue the Scottish Labour party because no such entity exists in law. It turns out that there is no such thing as the Scottish Labour party. He has to sue the Labour party headquarters in London.

The question is then, what exactly is it that Jim Murphy claims to lead? It turns out that he’s the fictional leader of a fictional party, spouting fictional policies. How can a party that doesn’t exist separately from Labour UK claim to have policies that are distinct from Labour UK? Is that even legal under electoral law? Quite probably it isn’t. These are yet more questions that it is unlikely you’ll see being investigated in depth on Reporting LabourScotland any time soon.

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21 comments on “Vote Labour, vote stupid, vote glue sniffer

  1. Bobs Email says:

    I see goodwillie is in the development squad today. Along with driver

    Sent from my iPad


  2. Steve Asaneilean says:

    If you look up the definition of “corrupt” in the dictionary it says “Your average Labour Council since at least the 1960s” (think T. Dan Smith and Newcastle City Council of which he was leader).

    Also let’s knock this “biggest party gets to govern” guff on the head.

    Here are the constitutional FACTS.

    On May 7th we are NOT voting for a new Government – we are vote for a new Parliament. That Parliament has the sole right to decide who forms the next Government.

    Obviously if your party has an overall majority without the need of support from others then that’s a done deal.

    If no one party has an overall majority then a party has to convince the House that it can command a majority. The rules are quite clear – first chance to form a majority and put it to the House goes to the existing Prime Minister who remains Prime Minister until a new Government is formed. First shot does not go to the largest party unless that happens to be the current PM’s party.

    It is as simple as that.

    My feeling for what it’s worth is that come May 8th the combination of Labour and SNP seats will not be enough to overcome what will be a small Tory majority or a renewed coalition with DUP thrown in to make up the numbers.

  3. ‘All Labour in Scotland has to offer is a graveyard of insects.’
    – Just loving watching the chickens coming home.
    I have followed your blog religiously since days of yore and it fair cheers me up in relation to that evil Jackie Burd wummin and big congratulations on the National gig as they say, Paul and here’s something fur the dug as its payday.

  4. Justin Fayre says:

    Not just North Lanarkshire, South Lanarkshire also wants to join the party
    Methinks Councillor Miller is soon going to wake up one morning with a horse’s head on the pillow.

  5. macart763 says:

    Oh and the hole gets deeper for them Paul.

    The ‘VOW’ looking not just undelivered, but undeliverable. Stirring themselves just enough in their outrage, our elders and betters in the HoL appear to be telling it like it is.

    Opening line: THE UK Parliament should “not simply accept” Scottish devolution proposals, a House of Lords report has said.

    It goes down hill from there. Let’s just remind ourselves of who instigated the myth of the most devo maxiest, devo max in the history of devolution. Why that would be the Gordosaurus and assorted Labour accounting branch minions.

    I lost count of the arguments during the referendum on just what processes were involved in devolution and just why any promise by Labour propagandists during the run up weren’t worth the bog paper they were printed on. The biggest procedural stumbling block was always going to be the HoL.

    And right on cue.

  6. FruitSlice says:

    “…like a creepier version of Dracula’s minion trying to pretend that the Garibaldis he proffers to the voters do not contain actual flies.”

    See! And now I want a fruit slice. Or an Empire biscuit! (Cue Vader’s Imperial March).

  7. Bud says:

    Just found out the Gordie Broon hasn’t managed to convince Tesco to reverse their decision to close their Kirkcaldy store. Obviously this is very bad news for the stores employees but have a thought for the poor old ex prime minister ( and politician ). There he was telling the BBC and anyone else who’d listen that he had all the economic answers needed to keep the store open.
    With an economic record like his is it any wonder that Tesco have declined to be convinced by his arguments.
    Surprisingly none of the tame establishment media or state broadcaster have followed up on their original story.

  8. Bill Hume says:

    FruitSlice……I like an Empire biscuit as much as you do, but what will we call them after Independence?????

  9. Melvin Penman says:

    THE LIE-BORE PARTY in Scotland is a lie, doesn’t exist and is illegal under electoral law . One party cannot have different manifestos in different parts of the country. As the party does not exist they have to campaign as the labour party period. the rest is all spin,BS and marketing.

    They can’t even see the hypocrisy that they will let the Tories into power by not agreeing to support from the SNP. They are on track to help the Tories into another 10 years of misery for the Scottish people.

    My vote goes with UDI after the GE as the red Tories will team up with the Blue Tories to expunge the insurgent Scots (that’s us apparently, or is It the ginger rats) from Westminster.

    If the Westmonster sewage do this, they are signing Scotland declaration of Independence. Revolution will come to those that ignore the reality of the peoples democratic choice.

  10. peter lynn says:

    Another torrent of abuse to the Scottish labour party? If the Scottish labour party dosnt exist does that mean we can insult that slimy quisling scottish labour leader, that same so called man who turned his back on his country & put his ass up in the air to get pumped repeatedly by his better together tory masters at every opportunity without fear of prosecution cos legally Scottish labour & their policies don’t actually even axist?.

  11. I read in the ‘National’ this morning that the SNP office in Magrit Curran’s Glasgow East constituency was targeted by opponents. The office had it’s locks superglued & of course delayed SNP activists getting access but just for a little while as an SNP volunteer removed the vandalised locks.

    A glue attack? Mmm… Glue sniffers….Mmmmm…. Mr Murphy, where when you on the night of…

    • Alexis says:

      We had new locks fitted yesterday. At considerable expense from our campaign budget. To be honest with you, I fear what today will bring when I go in. Yesterday a rather well dressed elderly gentleman suggested to me whilst I was standing outside that the office should be “set alight”. Me thinks it’s time to invest in a fire extinguisher. Such a lovely bunch the local supporters!

      • Or an inexpensive CCTV?

        The few diehard Labourites, like the glue vandal and your elderly pal (one & the same, watching his handiwork being reversed)? cling to an engrained sense of ‘entitlement,’ as if they ‘owned’ the voters (and, by extension, the buildings inhabited by voters).

        If this was a Labour shop, it would have made headlines on BBC Scotland.

        Off topic: I read an interesting thread on WoS, which I checked on wiki and this is true: In the hung General Election 1951, the Tories won less seats than Labour, but the Tories formed the new govt. A lot of sites inaccurately state that the Tories won more seats than Labour in the 1951 GE, but these wrongly include smaller, separate but right-wing parties.

        This fact should be stated loudly, every time SLAB/Jim Murphy lies that ‘the biggest party gets to form the govt’. It didn’t happen in 1951!

  12. gavin.C.Barrie says:

    @ Steve Asaneilean: Tricky one for the DUP. They need to think long term.

  13. macart763 says:

    Great piece in today’s National Paul.🙂

  14. Edulis says:

    Enjoyed your piece in ‘The National’. It is a valuable contribution to the mood music leading up to the General Election. Our best tactic is to laugh at them. You excel at that.

    I am sure that a few of us will be seeking to consolidate your position as a regular contributor.

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