Little yellow minions and Wee Dougie’s delusions

Danny Alexander’s other boss, the Cleggy one not the Osborne one, is in Scotland today in a vain attempt to rally what troops the Lib Dems have got left, which basically consist of Wullie Rennie, the Orkney Koalamichael, and those half dozen or so Lib Dem cooncillors who have not yet committed ritual suicide by throwing themselves under the wheels of Clegg’s election battle bus.

Nick made the bold statement that he discounted the polls which show the Lib Dems are facing almost total wipe out in Scotland, a statement which politicians always make in public when faced with impending doom. However unlike the leader of Labour’s Scottish Accounting Unit, who made the delusional claim that his party was going to increase the number of seats it holds at the General Wipe Out in May – sorry, General Election – the Cleggy one simply restricted himself to saying that people were going to be surprised by the number of seats that the Lib Dems held after the election, predicting that his party may not lose as many of its 11 seats as the polls forecast. This is a claim which is much easier to fulfil, as most people will be gobsmacked if the Lib Dems manage to hold onto as many as two seats. Danny Alexander, most assuredly, will not be amongst them.

On Thursday, looking exactly like a prisoner making a plea of mitigation before sentencing, Danny Alexander stood outside the Treasury brandishing what looked like a yellow Black and Decker case. The yellow case may have contained the tools used by the Lib Dems to drill into their skulls during coalition negotiations with the Tories and then extract that part of their brains where their social consciences formerly resided. Or possibly it was Danny’s school lunch box, and contained a half eaten austerity sandwich, his CV and a reference from George Osborne saying “best minion ever”. Danny’s going to need it because he will be looking for a new job very soon, having already been convicted in the court of public opinion and sentenced to vanish like a plook drowned in Clearasil. Whatever it was he was waving sheepishly before the cameras, it was yellow, plasticky, and deeply unconvincing, which is also a fairly accurate description of the person who was holding it.

Allegedly the box contained the Lib Dem’s alternative budget, which bears the same relationship to the real budget as Jim Murphy’s policy diarrhoea bears to socialism. Danny intended to present his fantasy budget to the House of Commons, despite being told off by the Speaker beforehand that he could do no such thing. Apparently the budget speeches in the House of Commons are not the place for making party political points – who knew? Certainly not Danny. Danny’s words echoed round an almost empty Commons Chamber, a pointless charade in a venue dedicated to pointless charades. Even Nick Clegg was too embarrassed to remain longer than ten minutes – proving that he does have some slight sense of shame after all.

Danny’s pathetic attempt to pretend that he’d have done everything differently might have had a modicum more credibility if he’d not spent the past five years enthusiastically out-Osborning Osborne, and giving every indication that he was enjoying himself in the process. However now that Danny is staring electoral annihilation in the nads he cut off and handed to the Tories on a plate, he’s desperately trying to distance himself from the public perception of him as George Osborne’s little yellow minion. The little minions in the animated movie are yellow too, but unlike Danny they’re funny on purpose.

But no one is convinced by Danny’s cunning stunt, Danny is the cut price Dracula in the Blood Bank, the Hammer Horror B-movie variety when they’d just got camp and were no longer scary. Danny and his party are just the supporting act to the main feature. The Lib Dems are merely a side-show, populated by freaks.

The main feature, for which Scotland is already stocking up on popcorn, is of course the impending doom of Jim Murphy’s Accounting Unit. Earlier this week the other Alexander facing doom, the Wee Dougie one, mused that his party’s demise was all the fault of people talking to one another on the interwebbies, and nothing to do with the fact that the Labour party is inhabited by, and a wholly owned subsidiary of, chancers, shysters, placepersons, balloons, doormats, Neanderthals, creatures who make even Danny Alexander look like he’s got some moral fibre, and worse, much worse – Magrit Curran.

The last time Scotland gave Labour a kicking, in 2011, Labour solemnly vowed that it would learn and it would listen, and it made a similar vow the time before that too, back in 2007. Not a great deal happened except for an awful lot of blaming the SNP for everything up to and including increasing the threat of alien invasion and the end of civilisation. Then there’s that other vow that Labour had a central role in just days before the independence referendum. By now it’s clear to just about everyone in Scotland who has a functioning neo-cortex and who isn’t an editorial writer for the Daily Record, that Labour’s definition of “vow” is remarkably similar to that of a junkie who promises they going to change just before they steal your wallet and piss on your flower bed.

In Labour’s case the drug of choice is political power, and since the party shows no signs of reforming itself, nor shows any signs of being capable of reforming itself, and indeed displays no concept that it understands what listening to the voters actually means, then the only solution is to force it to go cold turkey. If Labour won’t change itself, then the voters will change Labour for it, because it clearly takes a voter to do a politician’s job for them. We’ll change Labour from a party of careerist politicians, into a party of ex-politicians who’ve lost their careers. And as a bonus, Danny Alexander and the Lib Dems will get locked into a little plastic yellow box, which will promptly be put in the shed, and forgotten about for the next three decades.

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20 comments on “Little yellow minions and Wee Dougie’s delusions

  1. A gorgeous read. Spot on.
    Need to start stocking up on the wotsits and the cherryade for the big retirement do.

  2. WRH2 says:

    “General Wipeout in May”. Brilliant description of what’s going to happen. My biggest problem is going to be what to get in for the event. I’m not keen on popcorn and other nibbles. I’ll have to stick to drinking tea as I want to really savour the disappointed faces when they get the results. A bit like 2011 when the counts turned into party time.

  3. Margo Sharp says:

    Excellent article. Appreciate your comment about big Danny vanishing like a plook!

  4. Nana says:

    Danny is certainly providing some entertainment from the bbc for a change.

  5. Steve Asaneilean says:

    The attempt to have an alternate budget speech by Alexander in, as you point out, a largely empty chamber, was pathetic and embarrassing. Even the “impartial” BBC reporter I heard was actually laughing at Alexander’s foolishness.

    One has to wonder how someone with such poor judgement gets to be Chief Secretary to the Treasury (but then again he does have Osborne for a boss).

  6. Sooz says:

    It’s my birthday round about the time of the election, so I’m going to consider it as a four-day event with cake, culminating in the Great Climb-Down of His Holiness Prince Jimbo of the Universe (Retd). I can’t think of a better present for either me or Scotland.

  7. Sooz says:

    Well I can, but that’s a given, and I’m talking of course about the rout. It will be very routy. Megaroutish.

  8. Susan says:

    A great article as always.
    Jim Murphy has changed his twitter name to @JimForScotland. They just don’t get the people of Scotland, do they?!

  9. Edulis says:

    Danny is out on his ear if I have anything to do with it, although I have to say the Highland Liberals are a persistent lot. This time though it does feel game changing.

    My wife has her 71st birthday on May 8th. We will be celebrating with Drew Henry.

  10. Edulis says:

    Sorry Drew, I should have said Hendry

  11. macart763 says:

    Clegg: a nasty, biting, blood sucking horsefly. Remarkably similar in nature to the appendage wrapped around DCs neck in Greg Moodie’s work. Once the persistent little buggers latch on they only take their leave after they’ve stuffed themselves on your go juice or you flatten them. Take a wild guess at which solution I’d like to apply.

    As for Alexander, that enabler of the Conservatives, the man who gleefully told Scots ‘no currency union’. The guy who spent two years along with his chums in the treasury and civil service colouring analysis against independence and denigrating the Scottish electorate…

    … well as for him, I hope there’s a special public humiliation on May 7. I hope that nasty wee Beaker gets flushed doon the lavvy big time. No going turtle for him, no siree. Flushed right out of the Scotland he worked so hard to shackle to the sharks and gangsters of Westminster. ‘Liberal’ application of electoral harpic, a plunger and industrial strength bleach to remove his arse from any position of responsibility.

    • Steve Asaneilean says:

      Loving your lavvy cleaning analogy. It should be applied to all those Labs and Libs who denigrated Scotland.
      To extend the analogy, the trouble is they might just end up back on the beach with all those wet wipes!

  12. jdman says:

    I thought he looked like tinky winky with his wee yellow handbag, I heard Gideon wouldn’t let him out unto he gave number 11 the once over with Noo Noo.

  13. YESGUY says:

    Outstanding Paul.

    laughing my socks off. You are a tonic . πŸ™‚

  14. Paul J. Keenan says:

    Lol – “placepersons”, sums it up nicely.

  15. Barry Soap says:

    ‘No one is convinced by Danny’s cunning stunt’? Mr Spooner might beg to differ…

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