Dementia opportunistica and tittiferous twankmonkeys

It was almost possible to feel sorry for Jim Murphy this week. Almost, but not quite. Fortunately it was a whole lot easier to have a smirk and a spot of gloating as the Great Careerist’s career tripped over a prittstick and came unstuck amidst a stickiness of glue puns. This is an embarrassment that’s going to adhere to him for a good while to come.

The glue related merriment, for everyone but Jim that is, was all due to a question asked of the leaders of Scotland’s main political parties during a debate at Glasgow University. And Wee Wullie Rennie was there as well. When asked if they’d ever taken drugs, three out of the four admitted that they’d toked a joint when they were young and shtupit. Because if you didn’t smoke cannabis when you were young and daft then you’ve never been young and daft at all, and you are in fact a humourless party drone who’s never had a life and has no business legislating for the rest of us, who still have lives.

Nicla, Ruth the Tory Action Krankie, and Wee Wullie all said they had partaken of a wee spliff. Although all were just as quick to assert that they didn’t like it much and it had no effect on them. Which can only mean that they weren’t doing it properly. You’re supposed to inhale, and then you’re supposed to traipse down Great Western Road at 3 am in search of fag papers and a curry shop that’s still open, while saying things like: But like, wow, like if there’s an infinite number of universes then that means there’s a universe somewhere where Jim Murphy got a degree, but there still aren’t any where he’s got any principles.

But still, kudos for honesty. It’s nice to discover that three of our leading politicians are actually human beings.

The only one who didn’t admit to inhaling a magic rollie was the great doobie of the Labour party. This is almost certainly because Jim was as much fun to be around at university as he is now, so that must have been a pretty miserable nine years then, and he didn’t even get a degree to make up for the lack of partay as opposed to party. But not to be outdone, Jim sort of hinted that he may have said Uhu to a spot of glue, because finding your jollies in a puddle of bostik at the bottom of a crisp poke is the sort of thing you’re tempted to do when you sleep in a drawer on a council scheme. Jim’s far too butch for giggly hippy drugs. Not for Jim an admission of effete middle class cannabis smoking in a student dorm. Oh no, Jim’s far more authentically working class in the way that only an inveterate careerist can imagine.

Sadly Jim was unable to adhere to the story and later admitted that he’d just stuck a crisp poke to his face with some blu-tac because he hoped that people might confuse him with Darth Vader and take him seriously. After all, he’s already got the creepy voice and figured he was halfway there. But then he released a statement denying that he knew what PVA was, quickly followed by a statement saying that he couldn’t remember exactly as he’d just been innocently blowing his nose on a copy of the self-help manual ‘Fake Streetcred for Careerists On the Make’ and it slipped up his nostrils. He didn’t inhale. Or exhale. But whatever it was it was all the fault of the SNP. Jim had no way of knowing that you can make adhesives with egg white. Or something.

It remains unclear how it’s possible not to remember whether you’ve ever sniffed glue. Unless sniffing glue has caused such dreadful brain damage that entire sections of your life are blank to you, in which case you’d probably remember that sniffing glue was the cause of your memory loss. Or at least your care assistant would be on hand to remind you to stick a post it note on your fridge, with glue, and that would bring the traumatic memories back.

Alternatively it’s more likely that Jim is suffering from another type of memory loss – dementia opportunistica. This is a type of dementia which careerists on the make are sadly prone to. It’s caused by an overweening sense of entitlement and a desire to rewrite the past in order to maximise expenses claims in the present. Symptoms include speaking softly to sympathetic BBC interviewers and appearing in backlit photies in the Guardian which make it look like you’ve got a halo on yer heid. The condition makes Jim forget that he’s really a right wing advocate of privatisation, illegal wars, nuclear missiles and an opponent of further devolution. This can be the only explanation for Jim’s current insistence that he’s really a Scottish socialist politician who wants doublevowplusness. But that assertion is as plausible as Darth Vader with a crisp poke on his gob, and considerably creepier.

Meanwhile David Coburn, or as I call him, Davie the tittiferous twankmonkey, has got himself into a spot of bother. Oh sorry that was just a slip of the tongue. I really meant to say David Coburn the UKIP MEP and self-regarding self-abuser with the IQ of a mayfly and a political life expectancy that’s not much longer. Easy mistake to make eh. Just about everyone and their granny has called on Davie to apologise, resign, and then tie himself into a sack and throw himself into the Forth and Clyde canal, but so far he’s staunchly refused. Being bereft of any sense of shame, or indeed sentience, is a precondition for being a UKIP supporter in Scotland.

Anyway, japing Davie called Humza Yusaf, the SNP foreign affairs spokesperson with the Bambi eyes, by the name of a convicted terrorist because it was just a wee joke and they’re both Muslim. It’s the sort of joke that plays well to people who say they’re not racist but who follow it with a but. As in – I’m not racist but … I’m a UKIP MEP. Or even – I’ve got nothing personal against UKIP party balloons, but Davie Coburn is still a tittiferous twankmonkey.

Davie thinks that because his comments were made “off the record” then they don’t count. Which clearly means that if you overhear someone calling you a dickhead, then you have no right to urinate in their beer when they leave their pint unattended in the pub. Davie better keep a very close eye on his pints in future then.

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29 comments on “Dementia opportunistica and tittiferous twankmonkeys

  1. I didnae like it either. Just made me paranoid.
    Fuck! Is anybody reading this..?

  2. diabloandco says:

    You do Mayflies an intellectual injustice.
    I am expecting you to write a piece on the furore over the FM’s non attendance at some service which seems to have excited someone from Milngavie in the Herald .
    How you keep the humour flowing in the face of the faux outrage , misleading ,manipulating media and their cronies is beyond me.

  3. […] Dementia opportunistica and tittiferous twankmonkeys […]

  4. mogabee says:

    That’s quite a headline, and Coburn is some charmer NOT. All Murphy’s talk of his “poor” childhood gets on my goat, even if it were true you’d think he’d want to prevent poverty affecting more generations. Fat chance eh!

    They disgust me..the lot of them.

  5. Whether Smurphy sniffed glue or not, I have to say I was somewhat dismayed at the briefly touched on subject of the legalization &nd/or decriminalzation of marijuana in the SNP’s policies. Are they really that backward-thinking that even Nicola herself is muttering platitudes like “it needs more study” or it’s dangerous” or any the usual outdated twaddle which has been proved so very wrong for so long? I thought the SNP were going to drag Scotland into the 21st C. Maybe not. Have they just not really thought about it or does the example of other EU counties where drugs have been legalized & the policy is working well for all concerned not make them at least consider debating the subject? Here was a perfect opportunity to say something meaningful on the subject & instead it gets highjacked by the truly trivial non-issue of whether Smurph did PVA out a crisp bag. What the f**k WAS he doing for 9 years at uni?

    • Jan Cowan says:

      He was lounging about on our taxes, Josephine. Enjoying life at our expense yet unable to secure a degree and repay society through employment. Nine years!!! What is even worse, he made sure young people in future would be forced to pay for something he took for nothing. Creepy’s not the word.

  6. “Sadly Jim was unable to adhere to the story.”
    And, ironically, the epitaph rumoured to be going on his gravestone ….

  7. david says:

    “traipse down Great Western Road at 3 am in search of fag papers and a curry shop that’s still open” wis that you then Paul? ’cause ahm still lookin fur the skins…..

  8. Linda Kilmurray says:


  9. Thanks Paul…wonderful LMFO…….

  10. Mosstrooper says:

    Whit’s that ye say? drop himself into the Forth and Clyde canal and it no long cleaned oot o rubbish. Ye’ve nae shame.

    • jdman says:

      He could always wheel himself in his sack into the canal in an asda trolly to make it look part of the scenery, Ah’ll even gie him the pound!

  11. Bill Hume says:

    Dear Wee Ginger Dug. Please let the human who feeds you (and lifts your shite up) know how much I appreciate the phrase ‘dementia opportunistica’ I have long wondered what it was called.

    I’ve met more than a few in my time who have suffered from this affliction, but none so badly as that poor Jim sMurphy chap.

    I believe there is no known cure.

    Kindest regards from the Big Bernese Dug (or at least the human who picks up my shite….and hey ho…mine are bigger than yours).

    • jdman says:

      Ah hey haw its no Munguin your talkin tae here, he has Tris tae lift his shite, I’ll have you know WGD picks up and bags his own shite (in a broon paper bag) and then pits it oan Smughurpys doorstep sets it oan fire then chaps his door and runs away,
      Hoo mony wee ginger dugs dae you ken that can dae that?

  12. Abi just said to me; “If David Coburn’s Ma had gone tae the bingo that night, he’d have just been a wank.”
    Canny argue wi’ that!

  13. Sorry, I’ve been drinking…

  14. Mike Hamilton says:

    I think I know why you’ll never get that call from the National, Paul. Reading your excellent blog there would be akin to reading a strip from Viz in the Radio Times. Since I don’t believe I have ever actually bought a copy of the Radio Times, even at Christmas, I know which I’ll continue to read. Gaun yersel manny.

  15. Jan Cowan says:

    Sorry, Paul, I forgot to say I enjoyed your fantastic piece. Great as usual!

  16. Albaman says:

    Well Mike,
    I do hope that Mr Editor of “The National”, does read this, and others of Paul’s, as I believe the paper could do with Paul’s rapier political humour, and would quickly amass a following.

  17. Fiona says:

    I agree, Albaman

    WGD’s voice is an important one: he speaks for a great many of us who are less articulate and less funny. And The National would not be breaking new ground in the newspaper industry because many papers have a political “sketch” column: though none so funny or so bitingly accurate as this. WGD can clearly deliver copy very regularly so in that sense he is very professional and there is no risk for the paper,

    I think The National could only benefit from a regular column from WGD and from Rev Stu Campbell if he is willing. Can’t understand why the editor has not grabbed the chance to use such talent

  18. Sooz says:

    The wee dug has sharpened his gnashers and bitten clean through the arse of opportunistic politics. May his bite continue to draw blood.

  19. DrBenway says:

    I do find it quite hard to understand why the “newspaper that supports an independent Scotland” doesn’t appear to have put out feelers to the Rev Stu, Paul and others about regular columns. I’m fairly sure that if Rev Stu or Paul had indicated that they were available as contributors and had been knocked back they would have made this known. Maybe they’ve got enough on their plates already and just wouldn’t have the time, but I kind of doubt that.

    Sometimes I like the National, other times I have to wonder why they make such a point of being so timid in their coverage of the case for Scottish independence.

    • Wee Jonny says:

      I agree 100%. I buy two copies everyday – 1 for me and the other I leave in a pub or cafe I’ve just had mi dennir in.

      I like it because it’s “on oor side” but for me it needs to be far more to the point pointin oot the bullpish we see everyday in other papers.

      Great post again Paul.

  20. Gary says:

    Jim had a rare moment of truthfulness. But his ‘Spidey Senses’ soon kicked in and he hastily withdrew his remark. Those who’d had a brief (VERY brief) moment of respect for a speck of honesty from Jim were soon reassured of his mendacity once more. I swear, the Oxford English Dictionary will have a new word; Murphyism for open, brass necked lying. Oh FYI, you can’t sniff PVA. Well, you can, but it won’t get you high!

    • jdman says:

      Gary says
      ” Oh FYI, you can’t sniff PVA.”

      Oh yes you can,
      if you have a flair for it.
      Ah’ll…eh.. just get ma Chick Murray bunnet. 😦

  21. gerry parker says:

    Another great article Paul. The Murphy one is doing our campaign an amazing amount of good. You just need to mention his name to Labour supporters, or mention some of his “promises” like bringing back booze and sectarian singing to football grounds to see their anger increase.

    Could I do a wee plug for Phil Boswell’s fundraiser, Phil (and the team) will be tackling the incumbent 20,000 majority labour MP in Coatbridge, Bellshill and Chryston. Lots of foot soldiers here to carry the message.

    many thanks folks.

  22. ‘Sadly Jim was unable to adhere to the story’
    I have now read this post 3 times and laughed every time. This is your real ‘voice’, Paul. A true talent and there has to be a home found for this inventive and authentic voice that is the only realistic way to discuss the demise and deliver the epitaph? of the Labour Party in Scotland. Humour goes a long long way as a grateful contribution to this tragedy/farce that is being played out before us all. Please never give up. Scotland would be less a significant voice.

  23. scotsgeoff says:

    But Jim is most definitely NOT a Unionist. Oh, no. Never. Coz he says so.

    We all just dreamt it whilst on glue.

  24. jdman says:

    reason I took so long after you posted this Paul is your fault, when I read
    ” like if there’s an infinite number of universes then that means there’s a universe somewhere where Jim Murphy got a degree, but there still aren’t any where he’s got any principles.”

    I passed out laughing and only came to today, noo ah’ve goat a severe case oh the munchies.

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