The Ministry of Don’t

In this most perfect union, this happiest family of nations, this greatest political achievement the multiverse has ever witnessed, Scotland has – we are told – the most powers and widest influence of any devolved nation or region anywhere on the globe. This is only true if there are no other self-governing non-independent nations anywhere on the globe. This is not actually a lie in Westminster’s weaseling words, as it’s true that there are no other devolved nations. Other countries don’t devolve power, they grant statutes of autonomy or have constitutions which spell out the divisions of power between states or cantons and federal governments. Only the UK has devolution.

Devolution is a term invented in the 1970s, referring to the loaning of power from the Westminster government. A power devolved is a power retained – and it’s not retained by the likes of you or me. Like a yo-yo on a string, devolved powers can be wheeched back whenever Westminster feels like it. So the claims of the Unionist parties are true, it is no lie. That’s the power of spin. Scotland really is at the spinning end of the world’s biggest devolved yo-yo, but don’t kid yourself on that we’re holding the string.

The strings are pulled elsewhere, as revealed in an article in today’s Herald newspaper. The real decisions about what powers the Scottish parliament should have are not made by the Scottish people, they are made by the mandarins of Westminster, the officials of the Ministry of Don’t and the Department of Ye Cannae. And that happens behind our backs even when our elected Unionist Lords and Masters have promised us the devo-max earth.

As part of the Smith Commission proposals, Scotland was promised control over Health and Safety legislation and the Crown Estates, but in secret machinations officials from MoD ensured that control over Health and Safety was removed from the final draft document, and Scotland’s powers over the Crown Estates were fudged and watered down. The Ministry of Deceit was worried that Scotland might use some of its powers to pit the hems on leaky nuclear bases, to force those who say they’re keeping us safe not to cause us harm. But that would never do, because the MoD is charged with keeping Scotland safe and secure, and reserves the right to kill us in the process. And don’t you Jocks go imagining you have any say in the matter – what do you think this is, a democracy? The only Jocks the MoD recognises are those under orders. Be regimented, there’s a good stereotype, eat your porridge, do some Highland dancing, and don’t be offended by jokes about incest. There’s a seat at the back of the bus with your name on it.

The yo-yo spins, the elastic twangs. Scotland doesn’t get the promised powers, but a glancing blow to the head. There is no devo max earth but we do get the stars. A stunned and staggering Scotland seeing twinkling stars spinning around its head. Oh look at the pretty devolved lights, says the Daily Record. Marvel at the magnificence of your brain damage, commands the BBC. The yo-yo spins, the elastic twangs, the powers that were never there wheech back. Concussion is the vow fulfilled.

Scotland can’t be trusted with its health or safety, we need the MoD for that. It’s for the good of our health that the MoD needs to pollute our waters with radioactive waste. It’s for our safety that they need to prevent Scotland controlling its own coastal resources. We might break something – like breaking the power of Westminster over our lives – and that would never do. Scotland the meek, the quiet, the subservient. It’s health and safety. Just not our health or our safety. In the UK the health and safety of a Trident missile is far more important than your health or your children’s safety. Don’t go getting ideas above your station.

We’ve been here before. In the 1950s the mandarins of the Ministry of Delusion considered using the far north of Scotland as the site of the UK’s nuclear weapons tests. After all, no one of any importance lived there, and they’d already polluted and island with anthrax. The only reason they didn’t go ahead was because the weather was too unpredictable. In the 1980s the oil companies sought exploration licences for the Firth of Clyde, there was the promise of an oil boom off the West Coast. But the Ministry of Don’t You Dare said no. It might interfere with their submarines and their weapons of mass destruction. We might discover that the Ministry of Defecation was crapping filth all over our sea beds, contaminating our waters and polluting our seas – we might just demand that they stop using us as the toxic waste dump. They couldn’t be having that. It was far better that the West coast of Scotland didn’t get any boost to its economy to replace the industries that Thatcher was decimating.

The Ministry of Dengue Fever don’t want us to realise that it’s them we need defended from. They don’t want us to know that they are a disease that stalks our country. But it’s too late for that. We’ve woken up. We’re conscious and alive. And we’re angry. We’re awake and we’re dreaming of a country where our voices are heard, where our demands are met, where our governments do what we tell them to do. Openly, in front of us. No back doors, no secret meetings, no duplicity, no underhand dealings. And we’re going to make sure that happens. The boys toys of the Ministry of Depredation will be put back in their box.

The Unionist parties say – trust us to lie to you, trust us to be deceitful, trust us to go behind your backs. Put your faith in the feckless, your confidence in the conmen. There will be a leaflet all about it put through your letterbox very soon, who needs power for the Scottish people when we can have hi-gloss paper instead?

It’s been over sixty years since the Scottish National Convention, and they’ve still not given us what we want. Sixty years of asking nicely, sixty years of patience. My patience has run out.

It’s time to take power back from them. It’s time to break their power over us, to remind them who is the real power in this land. It’s time to grab the yo-yo and pull it from their claws. It’s Scotland’s time, and that time is coming. 54 days until the Unionist parties’ nuclear meltdown.

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25 comments on “The Ministry of Don’t

  1. Steve Bowers says:

    Fingers crossed Paul, and nippit tight

  2. […] The Ministry of Don’t […]

  3. macart763 says:

    They have nothing to say I want to listen to.

    That’s the problem with compulsive liars, eventually you stop listening to them.

  4. […] The Ministry of Don’t. […]

  5. liz says:

    They are now trying to claim if we vote for the SNP in large numbers, the voting system itself is flawed and needs changed.
    The Brit establishment will never let us go.

    They need us to use as an experiment, to pollute our land and use our resources, meanwhile despising us.

    Hopefully it can’t be much longer before we break free from these oppressors

  6. Pam McMahon says:

    This must be your best ever article, and is just superb. Scots are just tax-paying guinea pigs to the Westminster parliament, and always will be, until our nation is independent again.

    The MOD lavished a whole £500,000 on “cleaning up” Guinard (our very own Anthrax Island) and after hastily stuffing dead sheep into a cave on the shoreline, one of the infected carcases was carried to the mainland during a storm. Obviously got their priorities right in investing most of the money into protective suits and helicopter flights and not on actually making the environment and local inhabitants safe. No wonder they want to keep a firm grasp on Health and Safety.

    Have to say I was Mega-Astonished that the Herald broke ranks and actually published this article.

  7. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Stunning piece of writing – just what our supposed “real” journalists in MSM should be putting out but have categorically failed to do so,

    We don’t live in a democracy really. We always have governments who carry with them a minority of the vote yet use that “mandate” to ride roughshod over the wishes of the majority.

    So, for example, poll after poll from organisations with no axe to grind repeatedly demonstrate a clear majority of public opinion is against Trident renewal. But our Government in London says “we don’t care – what do you think this is? A democracy or something? Well it isn’t and you should just shut up and do what you are telt”

    As I have said before, we need to challenge them to prove that we have democracy. So we need the SNP to get more than 50% of Scottish seats AND more than 50% of the Scottish vote. Then we’ll see what Westminster says and does.

  8. Janis says:

    Great article Paul. You have to wonder why any Scott would not vote SNP. We have a lot of uninterested and disengaged people living in this country. That’s what bothers me… How to reach them. As always I will send this great article out to everyone I can with the hope they get it and get it.

  9. JGedd says:

    Wonderful, excoriating, high octane prose again, Paul. if I had to pick out anything it would be the paragraph beginning ” The yo-yo spins, the elastic twangs.” Withering humour and mockery that made me laugh out loud. Brilliant.

  10. Mick Pork says:

    Some of the biggest bribery, corruption and sleaze in UK politics has happened under various Labour and Tory Defence Secretaries.

    It’s not just the likes of Jack Straw and Malcolm Rifkind at the Foreign Office who are perfect examples of the westminster establishment’s ‘finest’ with their corrupt noses in the trough.

    The corruption is self-evidently deep rooted so it’s hardly a surprise that the westminster establishment are now deploying their various minions and party hacks in these ministries to try and thwart the democratic will of the scottish people.

  11. Hazel Smith says:

    Another brilliant article Paul. Hopefully it won’t be long before we break free from these condescending waste monsters.

  12. Jan Cowan says:

    The National must surely print this article…….if only to be upsides with its “sister” paper.
    Great piece, Paul.

  13. Isabella Porter says:

    Terrific article

  14. grizzlepuss says:

    Have been meaning to comment for a while now…

    Great post as usual Paul, I thoroughly enjoy your perspective on life in all your articles. Best wishes to your never ending quill of thoughtfulness.

    …and with today’s post; bravo Sir for getting through an entire article on Defence without using the word “cataclysmic” once.

    A little something for the Dug just being sent.

  15. arthur thomson says:

    Brilliant as always. We have to stop thinking that we live in a democracy – and remind ourselves of Blair and co exporting their version of democracy, by missile, to the poor unfortunates in the middle east. I wonder if one day SLAB voters will acknowledge their culpability in supporting the culture of violence promoted by their political party. They are quick to parade their ‘no borders’ social conscience; their solidarity with working class people throughout the world; and at the same time to turn a blind eye to the massacre of innocent people whose principal fault was their lack of military power. Hypocrites.

  16. Sheila Dowling says:

    One of your best, Paul, above even your very high standard!

  17. WRH2 says:

    There’s just no in between with you! Either I’m getting cramp in my ribs from laughing or smoke coming out of my ears from fury. Your articles are just so spot on its not true. Great article once again.

  18. Melvin penman says:

    If the UK govt doesn’t soon abide by the democratic choice of the people, the gloves will come off and then revolution will be upon us. We can’t keep hoping they will play fair,they have no intention of doing that, they never have in any colony and won’t in their most precious one of all……

  19. fillofficer says:

    well writ indeed, but even when we get the massive vote for snp on 7th may, it wont change anything, they will gerrymander as usual, just as in september

  20. hektorsmum says:

    Another excellent offering Paul, the Ministry for Deceit, how true. All of them will be suffering apoplexy as the polls have not changed one whit. Their greatest deceits is the one they play on themselves, our eyes are open now and they cannot be shut. We simply have to ensure that more people are influenced by us.

  21. Calum says:

    That was a nice rallying call, but roughly half of Scotland still utterly believes that we benefit far more from being in the UK and we’s all be begging in the streets if we got our independence.

    It a not true to say “we’re” angry, it’s more true to say many of us are indignantly clueless, or frightened but too proud to admit it.

    And as long as the Ministry of Truth keeps on going so successfully, that’s unlikely to change.

    In the seventies, before the internet, mind, more than two million Scots signed a petition asking for home rule, and Westminster just said there was no appetite in London to give that to Scotland. No democracy, nothing. And more importantly nobody in Scotland did anything in response to that.

    That’s who we are. Confused, fighting among ourselves as usual, and it seems more than ever, those who do want change are more than happy to preach only to the converted, sadly.

  22. Not that clueless, indignant or frightened that 80,000 or so previously un engaged for the most part have joined the SNP. To say nothing of the new recruits to the Greens and the Socialists.

  23. Marconatrix says:

    Full marks for the yo-yo analogy, that image ought to do the rounds, it sums up the situation perfectly and is hard to forget. And of course afaik the yo-yo was a weapon before it was a toy 😉

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