Fossil fools and weasel words

There’s an election looming, and the denizens of Westminster are doing their damnedest to make sure we notice them. This means that there’s a flurry, or more precisely a slurry, of initiative and PR stunts which hope to make it look like the expenses claimants are actually doing something productive.

First up is Danny Alexander, who has as much chance of a future career in Westminster as the ginger dug – who isn’t eligible to stand on account of not being human. Although to be fair, you could say that about Danny too. Anyway, Danny has now given us a reminder of all that he has achieved in his time as George Osborne’s Parliamentary KY jelly. Danny’s now arranged for wee plaques bearing a Union flag and the message “Provided by the UK Government: be grateful peasants” to be slapped onto infrastructure projects that are paid for by your taxes. Danny thinks that this will make people look more kindly upon him. Bless.

In years to come people will make a pilgrimage to look upon the marvels bequeathed to us by Danny Alexander. Gaze upon my mighty works, said Danny, and vote for me not that separatist person. Separatist persons can’t give us what Danny gives us, for Danny has given us a union jack sticker on a broadband cable junction box at the side of the A882 between Thurso and Wick.

It’s not exactly Ozymandias. It’s not even Ozzie Osborne, who at least managed to bite off the head of a bat by mistake. Danny once bit the head off a jelly baby, although the general consensus of opinion is that Danny usually sucks.

Fossil fuel is the topic of a speech which Gordie Broon, Labour’s very own fracked fossil fool, will make in Glasgow on Monday. Gordie is the diminishing resource upon which the Labour party pin most of their hopes. But he’s about to run out, as after May he really will be an ex-politician as opposed to an ex-politician who’s still claiming an MP’s salary.

Not for Gordie the simple whacking of a sticker on a cable junction box. If it doesn’t involve scaring pensioners, endogenous growth theory, or vows that no one will take responsibility for, then Gordie’s not going to get out of bed. He rarely gets out of bed anyway. Even Malkie “You’d be amazed at how much spare time I have” Rifkind manages to put in more appearances at Westminster than Gordie does. And Malkie is the supermodel of Westminster who won’t get out of bed for less than eight grand. However Gordie’s extracurricular earnings put even Malkie’s in the shade – although all of Gordie’s go to charidee. The charidee in question being “The Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown”. So that makes it all OK then.

Gordie is expected to call for the oil fields to be nationalised, and will still manage to squeeze in the obligatory pensioner scare. That’s the kind of thing that makes him a respected international stateman. Declining oil revenues mean that Scottish pensioners won’t have their pensions paid, or something. Only Gordie has a plan to do something about it. Except he’s retiring so he’s not going to be able to do anything about it after all. And Eds Miliband and Baws don’t show any sign of adopting it as Labour policy, so it’s all totally irrelevant anyway.

There will be pages of analysis in the press, but the truth is it makes no difference what the superannuated has-been is promising this time. As long as Labour can put the fear of Gord into the over 65s, they might be able to rustle up a few votes. And that’s all that really matters.

Afraid that the media hasn’t noticed him for all of thirty minutes, after a few months of will he won’t he, Jim Murphy has announced that he might just stand as MP for East Renfrew after all, or maybe he won’t. Jim’s still incapable of giving a straight answer to the question, instead he prefers to drop gnomic hints that are capable of just about any interpretation you care to put on them, and besides, the media will print any auld crap that him and John McTernan issue as a press release.

It’s like his promise to end “exploitative zero hours contracts”. The key word there is “exploitative”. Any normal person might think that all zero hours contracts are exploitative, but the Labour party leadership are not normal people. They haven’t told us how they’re defining “exploitative”. So if you thought that they’d made a promise to end zero hours contracts – contracts which Labour governments first introduced – you’d be sadly mistaken. It’s not just workers on zero hours contracts who are being exploited here, it’s the voters as well. Weasels and their words, eh.

Jim has been reduced to issuing press releases that say he may, or may not, stand for re-election in East Renfrew because Plan A has not come to fruition. Plan A apparently involved persuading a sitting MSP with a whopping great majority to take early retirement so that Jim could be parachuted into the seat, with the by-election to be held the same day as the Westminster General Election. This would allow Jim to sneak in under the radar without too much media attention on his re-election campaign.

Jim’s cunning Plan A suffered from a number of fatal flaws. Firstly it depended upon the noble proposition that a Labour MSP has no greater love for their party leader than they lay down their pension rights for a careerist on the make. This meant that Jim was relying on a Labour MSP to put Jim’s interests before their own bank balance, because MSPs lose a large chunk of their pension rights if they stand down before the end of their term in office. So that was never going to happen.

The other flaw was that it relied upon there being a safe seat which could act as an inflatable mattress to cushion Jim’s landing. With the Ashcroft polls showing that even Coatbridge is vulnerable to the rise of the SNP, there is no longer such a thing as a safe seat for Labour in Scotland. That just leaves Jim putting himself at the head of the Labour list for the West of Scotland region in the 2016 Holyrood elections.

In the meantime Jim still has to stand as the MP for East Renfrewshire, trying not to let on that he might very well stand down after a year. “Vote for me to be your MP for 12 months so that there is no break in my pension entitlements” is not exactly the most persuasive of election slogans. Jim’s taking the voters for granted, but he’s relying on securing the votes of all those Tories in his constituency. You can see why Tories would be comfortable voting for Jim, so he may scrape back into Westminster.

But still, there’s the delicious prospect that he just might get beaten. That would leave the leader of the Scottish Accounting Unit electorally unaccountable. I can’t decide which I’d prefer – to see Jim humiliated and out of office, or to see him re-elected as the leader of a Labour Accounting Unit that is down to a handful of MPs, and then to have to return to Westminster in ignominy, the leader of the red panda party. The only thing red about him will be his face, red with embarrassment.

No amount of fracked fossil fools are going to save Labour or the Lib Dems from their date with disgrace. 65 days, and counting down. Get the popcorn.

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21 comments on “Fossil fools and weasel words

  1. Alison Hardie says:

    Just hilarious and incisive as ever Paul, thank you

  2. […] Fossil fools and weasel words […]

  3. les hunter says:

    Delightful I always thought that I was a sarcastic barsteward, but you are giving me much appreciated lessons Les

  4. Angry Weegie says:

    Great article though I think there was one mistake

    “The only thing red about him will be his face, red with embarrassment.”

    Jim doesn’t do embarrassment, or, at least, he can’t do, considering some of the guff he’s already come away with.

  5. Sore feet says:

    Great article, telling it like it is Paul.
    Agree with angry weegie tho,
    Carlsberg don’t do brass necks. But if they did……

  6. macart763 says:

    Oh what a tangled… etc

    What its all about for Gordo:

    I suspect keeping the oil producers on side with a wee threat and yet another empty vow thrown to the electorate. How and ever as the above link illustrates (oh and I found more than one), that price will not only stabilise, but continue to rise.

    As for will I, won’t I Mr Murphy? Well, he’s not in a good place regardless of his final decision. I suspect though this was Eds intent all along.

    • Jan Cowan says:

      That’s what I thought, Mac. The fact that he doesn’t trust Murphy is perhaps something in his favour. All the same, it takes one to know one.
      Paul, I love the idea of the red panda party. Great stuff, which ever way it works out.

      • macart763 says:

        On the oil, it was on a low of $45pb and within a month? Back up to $62 with forecasts of a steady rise over the year. By March 2016 when Scotland would have become independent had we succeeded in September, I wouldn’t be surprised to see it back up over $100pb. Oor Gordy is desperately playing a massive two prong stinker here. He’s desperate to keep that price down for just a wee bit longer, whilst at the same time attempting to con the locals. His problem?

        His own shelf life.

        His parliamentary career is coming to a close and his last ‘guarantee’ has gone doon the pan already. His stock with a good percentage of those who mistakenly put any credence in his guarantee of near federalism ‘home rule’ has dropped off a cliff. That leaves only his favoured target audience… the pensioner. People he fair enjoys robbing, terrifying and manipulating.

        It’ll be interesting to see how many of a certain age group react to Gordo’s latest and hopefully last hurrah. Will they believe him one more time?

        • John says:

          While you may be right about the oil price, the only thing oil industry folk really agree on is that we don’t know where the price will be in a year.

          The “expert” articles from June 13 are still on line predicting $200 at end 2015 when it was actually about a quarter or that.

          • macart763 says:

            Its all a nonsense John, accurate prediction doesn’t really exist, not anywhere.

            Its a tradable resource and as such will always be open to market manipulation, good years, bad years, good forward planning, bad forward planning.

            What everyone worth their salt in business agrees upon is that having the resource is a lot better than not having it. That as a diminishing resource, it will become more valuable and that the current slump was artificially manipulated for geopolitical reasons.

        • Great post, Paul.

          Macart, it would appear the oil price has disappeared from MSM, or am I just imagining it?

          • macart763 says:

            Since that sudden leap in the past month yes and of course other than Broon, politicos have been fairly quiet on the subject too.

            Who knew?

            I reckon the only time you’ll here a peep from them is if it takes another dive. Of course it only goes to highlight their own mis management and incompetence over the past forty years every time one of decides to wax lyrical. The instant answer is why didn’t the gov’t retain tighter control? Why wasn’t an oil fund set up? Why does the UK oil and gas industry have to face any losses or hardship?

            Hard questions and only one place to look for the answers.

  7. mary docherty says:

    See sumbdies swapped the N and D in funded with a C and a. K !! Takes me back to the old Nob Orders days .

  8. liz says:

    “Vote for me to be your MP for 12 months so that there is no break in my pension entitlements” – love it

  9. Devereux says:

    Paul, I agree that there is a good chance that a keep-SNP-out at all costs Con-Lab alliance will start to resonate in strong No areas like Eastwood. However, my Dad is a rabid unionist who has always voted Labour in Smgurphs constituency. He is voting Tory this time. It seems Scottish Daily Express readers are under the impression the saintly Jim has communist tendencies ….(I know). Hence, I suspect, the panic in some quarters.

    Labour have truly lost the plot. In fact, we might not want to be too disappointed if their strategy works in the short term. Once their voters get used to the idea of voting Tory why bother with Labour in the future. They are encouraging the birth of a new, neoliberal Scottish Unionist Party on one side and SNP, Green, SSP parties on the other. One day, not too distant from now, any voters who have centre or centre-left tendencies will fall into the arms of the parties that favour Independence. Tickety tock tock.

  10. turra loon says:

    I think there will be big upsurge in sales of Blue Paint Spray and White Paint Spray to cover these union jack stickers. Lets do it when they appear.

    • hektorsmum says:

      We shall attempt to pick ’em off as paint takes time and could be misconstrued. We used to pick of the better together attempts. The YES stickers were too far up for the shorties.

  11. hektorsmum says:

    I am going to blame you and will instruct Ginger to tell you off. Are you aware of the amount of money being donated in Glasgow to the various candidates for the SNP. Some have been over subscribed by more than Wings.
    Actually you are a STAR.

  12. A Meringue says:

    One thing that has kept me warm over the last few days as the hailstanes battered off the windies is the warm glow of the Labour party in meltdown.

    Throw another log on the fire Ginger. That’ll do nicely!

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