A stair heid rammy with ma mammy

I’ve not been too well this past week, loaded with a bad cold while at the same time I’ve started a new part time job because I’m still not working for your other national newspaper. Meanwhile I am still battling the nasty side effects of the nasty medicine that I’m on for my nasty skin condition. So I’ve been too knackered to blog much. Give up smoking, they say. It’s good for your health, they say. But since giving up smoking it’s been one bloody thing after another. Anyway, onwards and upwards, or in the case of the Labour party in Scotland, backwards and into the gutter.

A few days ago a friend asked what it was that I have against Magrit Curran. “She’s just a Labour hack like all the others,” he remarked, “so why do you keep picking on her and not on some of the other equally obnoxious useless Labour MPs? After all, it’s not like there’s a shortage of them.”

And this is very true. My friend has a point, we in Scotland are spoiled for choice when it comes to obnoxious and useless Labour MPs, Ian Davidson and Anas Sarwar spring to mind. There’s the be-haloed Jim who has given the Scottish media the task of anthropomurphising the Labour party – trying to make out that Jim Murphy is actually a real human being. But I do have a particular animus against Magrit, and will continue to do so until she is removed from office. I would prefer that she was hounded from office, preferably with actual hounds, but I’ll settle for voting her out via the ballot box.

The reason for my animus is not because Magrit is a woman, although Magrit is fond of claiming that criticisms of her are motivated by sexism or misogyny. It is because Magrit supposedly represents me in Parliament, she’s my local MP. I deserve better. Much better. And so do you. In fact I would have fewer problems with a chimpanzee as my MP because at least a chimpanzee knows how to screech and hoot in a meaningful manner. A chimpanzee picks fleas with purpose, whereas Magrit’s politics are fleabitten and purposeless. However chimpanzees do throw poo and Magrit also throws poo, so it’s not all bad.

In Magrit Curran, Glasgow East has an MP – a Labour MP remember, a member of the self-described “people’s party” – who goes to £250 per head dinners at top hotels in London as a guest of US arms dealers, while her some of her constitutents have to walk miles to a food bank in order to feed their kids. Magrit was a guest of US arms company Raytheon at the ADS annual defence dinner held at the Hilton Hotel in London last week, along with fellow Labour MPs Brian Donohoe and Gemma Doyle.

While Magrit was saying “Haw see us some mair o that free swally and duck a l’orange” some of the people she supposedly represents were looking at bare food cupboards and wondering how they were going to get through the week. Defence contractors don’t care much about food banks, they care about schmoozing up to vain and not very bright MPs so that the vain and not very bright MPs will vote to allow the defence contractor to rake in millions. Few MPs are more vain than Magrit, and it’s not like she’s got anything much to be vain about. And she’s as bright as a burned out bulb. Although, to be fair, that still makes her a whole lot brighter than the Labour MP for Coatbridge.

This week we got Magrit stuffing her gob in a cafe in Rutherglen where, between scones, she was extremely keen to tell anyone who would listen – that would mainly be the BBC – that Scotland needed to vote Labour in May because if we vote SNP then Labour might not be the largest party. She then added that the largest party gets to form the government of the UK. This is obviously the line thought up in Labour’s line factory – or spin shop – or whatever they call it. It’s also a lie. It is only the case that the largest party gets to form the government of the UK if the largest party also has an absolute majority of seats. Otherwise it’s the party which can command a majority by dint of persuading other parties not to vote against it in a vote of confidence. You’d think that Westminster MPs would know this.

Magrit has previous for having a tangential relationship to the truth. As a result of her continual difficulties with actuality, her schmoozing with defence contractors, and generally being to political discourse as a monkey is to poo flinging, Magrit has been subject to some name calling on her Facebook page. Most of what she’s been subjected to isn’t big or witty or clever – but then neither is Magrit. Magrit has responded by attempting to introduce a new rule:

“Let’s try a new rule here: if you wouldn’t use the language with your mother in the room, don’t post it on a public Facebook page.”

This rule is not going to work though, because my mammy is also a voter in Glasgow East – and you should hear the language she uses to describe Magrit Curran. And my mammy is a respectable, intelligent and articulate woman who used to work as a teacher.  Magrit would lose, and lose badly, in a stairheid rammy with my mammy. But that’s what Magrit brings out in people – the invective.

The thing is, when you use politics as a vehicle for your personal ambitions and are bereft of anything that could reasonably be described as a principle, you’re going to attract ire and bile in equal measure. When you habitually preach the most ludicrous half truths and outright bilge you have no right to complain about others misusing language. Magrit’s approach to politics is like doing a massive jobbie on the living room carpet and then complaining about the smell.

Magrit’s can only claim to occupy the moral high ground by contrasting herself to people whose abuse of language is even worse than her own. That means the only folk she can feel superior to are trolls who yell swerry words at her. It’s a bit like boasting you have one more brain cell than an amoeba. The Scottish media, in thrall as it is to the anthropomurphic tendencies of the Labour party, will give her a platform upon which she can play the victim.

But the real victims are those of her constituents who have to walk miles to a food bank. The real victims are the men in those parts of Glasgow East who have a life expectancy lower than that in the Gaza Strip. The real victims are the hollow faced harrassed mothers who have to make a choice between feeding their weans or keeping the house warm while Magrit hobnobs with defence contractors and stuffs her gob with vol au vents and free swally.

Stay focussed, keep your eye on the prize, and let’s work to get rid of her in May. Revenge is a dish best served with a ballot paper and a pencil, not a swerry word on a Facebook page.

Update: In the interests of fairness, and because I’m not Magrit Curran, I should point out that the Campaign Against the Arms Trade have now updated their original list to include a statement from Magrit that she did not attend the dinner event.

35 comments on “A stair heid rammy with ma mammy

  1. Marie Dunbar says:

    Thanks again- for keeping our humour and spirit going. You are a tonic, even withoot the gin. I would find this situation much more difficult were you not here for us and sharing your thoughts. How IS the dug? Marie.

  2. Morag Frame says:

    Love you WGD! Tell it how it is.

  3. […] A stair heid rammy with ma mammy […]

  4. aitchbee says:

    It’s almost possible to feel a little sorry for Magrit. She doesn’t really fit in with the posh boys in the upper echelons of the Labour party (even though she evidently adores them, judging by some of the pictures I’ve seen) and she no longer fits in with her working class constituents either. Still, no doubt the free vol-au-vents and swally go some way towards consoling her, as does the handy expense account. And her new friends in the defence industry will no doubt have some sort of consolation prize for her when she gets her jotters, as I hope she does.

  5. jimnarlene says:

    “Stay focussed, keep your eye on the prize, and let’s work to get rid of her in May. Revenge is a dish best served with a ballot paper and a pencil, not a swerry word on a Facebook page.”

    Well put but, let’s get rid of the rest of the red Tories too.

  6. Janis says:

    As alway a joy to read. Stair heid rammy an all. Love it. I hope Magrit, along wi my useless mp Dougie the useless is voted out.

  7. Anne Lyden says:

    You keep taking your medicine and please keep giving us ours. Your posts are so cathartic – say it all much better than I ever could and always bring a chuckle to the throat!

  8. Superb political commentary – probably some of the best in Scotland and her larger neighbour

  9. macart763 says:

    Well said Paul.

    The best way is the ballot. Take their jobs, since they have no problem taking our money in order to do precisely nothing about defending ours. Well I see no problem in removing their employment FOC. Hell, I’m happy to do it.

    All you have to do is put a cross in the right box in May.🙂

  10. bjsalba says:

    Raytheon – where do I remember them from? Oh yes!

    (sorry I don’t know about archiving).

    UK taxpayer faces £220m bill over e-borders contract termination
    The e-borders programme, devised by the Labour government in 2003, was designed to vet travellers entering or leaving the country by checking their details against police, security and immigration watchlists.

    Labour was in Westminster but Curran was in Hollyrood when that legislation was set up. Perhaps Raytheon hopes to get the contract back if Labour gets in?

  11. Rik McHarg says:

    Love it. I’m a Scot abroad that flew back to vote YES. Sorry you can’t get in the “mainstream media” is there some mechanism whereby I could make you a small direct donation to keep the ink flowing?

  12. Bibbit says:

    I just read this out to my own mammy. We laughed our socks off as I read it. We have two hounds here (one rescued from Essex) and they would be very happy to join the wee ginger dug in chasing Magrit doon Shettleston Road, all the way back to her luxury mansion located in a land far, far away from the East End, for keeps.

  13. Marion Scott says:

    Hope you are feeling much better now, Glad to have you back, keeping our eye on the ball and our spirits up.

  14. Are you sure she didnt attend the dinner? The table plan expected her there. https://twitter.com/Craig_z_Kelly/status/563307987566342144

    • liz says:

      WGD, hope you are feeling better soon. I have heard that when folk give up smoking they do become unwell for a while whilst your body gets rid of all the toxins – that could of course be complete nonsense.

      Anyway in reply to Scott, if you look at the bottom of the page that WGD put up, it says that Mags and the other bloke emailed to say ‘they did not attend’.

      Now since we know that Mags lies when her mouth is open, make of that what you will as the company, as far as I can see, didn’t confirm that she wasn’t there.

    • epicyclo says:

      Has anyone checked the video footage of the event?

    • oldnat says:

      The note at the bottom of the list the Dug links to says “Margaret Curran MP and Conor McGinn (assistant to Vernon Coaker MP) have contacted us to say they did not attend.”

      You would think the organisers would have noted the two empty seats for themselves, and they don’t confirm that Magrit was AWOL.

  15. autonomyscotland says:

    Reblogged this on Common Weal.

  16. Anthropomurphism – your greatest neologism ever Paul. You have not idea how impressed I am.

    Keep ’em coming!

    • Sagacity says:

      Totally agree Steve. That is Paul’s best ever – illness becomes you Paul, and sharpens your ascerbic wit. Joyous!!

  17. scotsgeoff says:

    In the spirit of the Labour Party (Scotch Branch) & Magrit I would like to say
    that you may well see this comment here supporting your excellent analysis
    but I can assure you I was never here and certainly did not make any comment.

    Further, I can add that whilst I certainly never made any comment on your blog
    I can ensure enquirers that I actually abstained from doing so.

    Of course my abstention from comment means that I have actively contributed to
    stopping you from further posts.

    Please, therefore, do not copy and paste or ‘archive’ this comment (which never
    happened) as all that will do is show how vehemently I oppose you whilst proving
    how manipulative and evil you Cybernatteries are & confirm that I was never here.

    Yours, fully backed by the unbiased, impartial BBC (who know the truth & won’t
    report it anyway).

    Geoff Huijer MP (Manipulator of Probity)

  18. “A chimpanzee picks fleas with purpose, whereas Magrit’s politics are fleabitten and purposeless.”


  19. hektorsmum says:

    Ah what use is Magrit, I rather think that they may become of little use to Ed. He is after all having to decide whether to keep on trucking with those Scots who look likely to ditch his party big time or to rub the tummies of those in England who are also turning their backs on him. So I go with the rub tummies than bothering about those Rebellious Scots.
    Sorry I have been watching Outlander, online and I am getting terribly carried away, mind none of it is new to me, read the books.
    Any way I would love to see your Mammy take on Curran, I wish my Mammy was here she would have torn her a new one as they say, delicately.

  20. Susan says:

    absolutely brilliant! I feel as if I have been punched in my stomach so powerful are your words!!!

  21. Cmon noo Paul ah bit of jounolistic licence there.Your wee Mammy,s a nice wee wummin and would,nt lower herself tae hiv ah stairheid rammy wie Margareet ,Take care.

  22. mogabee says:

    Magreeting is sooo false. I do hope people are seeing that too Paul and vote her out, out out!

    Yes, it’s true that after stopping smoking you can for a while feel crap. It’s the poisons trying their hardest to pull you back. Resist…resist…😉

  23. Muscleguy says:

    RE stopping smoking Paul. The statistics say it’s the single biggest boost to your health you can do. But you are not a statistic, you are an anecdote. I could point out that it is still winter and things are going around. I seem to have a never ending cold at the moment and I’ve never smoked. It’s playing hell with the running too.

    Also depending on how long and how heavily you are smoked for it might just take your body a wee while to find a new even keel. I’m sure as the signs of spring gather pace (our rosemary is flowering here in Dundee) you will feel like a new man and you can take that however you want😉

  24. EXTRA spicy chillies and garlic are great for a bad cold but not as great as your your offerings are for totally cheering me up!
    Keep on keeping on Paul and hope you get well soon.

  25. Ricky says:

    Bang on the money as usual Paul.

    MC can have her P45’s and a wee seat at the local jobcenter. Hope she gets sanctioned for turning up early/late/ whatever fits blah blah.

    Labour are liars and cheats. it says something when our MP’s can lie but no one can question them. AYE RIGHT.

    Vote labour out and watch the furore in England as the Nasty Natz hold the balance of power. Oh to be a fly on the wall at WM .

    Hope your cold eases Paul. I am a smoker myself and have noticed when you give up you are prone to all the wee germs that ignored you before. I couldn’t hack it but wish you luck with your battle.

    And thanks again for the wit and humour that WGD gives us all.

  26. Sandra Stewart says:

    Brilliant. I get anxious that The “but ah’ve aywiz voted Labour” punters will go back to the fold. You give me renewed hope.

  27. Frank M says:

    Some might be stupid enough to vote labour because they always have Sandra, but this reminds me of a quote; “Fool me once ……shame on you. Fool me again … then shame on me.”
    Thank you WGD for the post. As always, it hits the bullseye.

  28. macart763 says:

    Labour are having a moment here:



  29. Bill Hume says:

    “anthropomurphising the Labour party”
    Giving Murphy shape or form to said Labour Party
    Perhaps they should be giving human shape or form to Mr sMurphy…..he badly needs it.

    Regarding Magrit……I am in complete agreement she should be ousted in May, but I am unhappy with your assertion that “Revenge is a dish best served with a ballot paper and a pencil”
    Some would argue that revenge is a dish best served cold, I disagree…I want mine hot
    (although, and I digress, I’m with Spike Milligan on this “Revenge is sweet…..but not fattening”……….thank goodness for that).

    It may be all we can hope to achieve within the law, but I do feel cheated that it’s the
    only revenge open to me. I hope you understand that I am angry, and have been since the
    19th Sept. The strange thing is……I’m getting angrier by the day…..I have no ideawhy.

    Nicotine plays a large part in my life and has done since I was 16 y.o. but recently I
    have been using a vapouriser. OK, it is still bad for me, but I no longer cough like a
    badly blocked drain and I don’t smell like an ashtray in a grotty pub. So far, so
    good….BUT…it’s a poor substitute for the real thing. Whilst sookin’ on my vape’ thing
    today, I realised it was a bit like sooking a dummy tit, you know, those things you stuff
    in a child’s mouth to stop them screaming in public places. They are also known as
    pacifiers (American english). I thought, perhaps that what we need for Jim sMurphy………..than it hit me
    ……wait for it

    Jim sMurphy IS the pacifier………or, as I like to think of him….the DUMMY TIT.
    Promising socialist nourishment at the warm inviting mother’s breast of the Labour Party,
    whilst all the time being an empty, unreal rubber facsimile of a real Socialist.

    The mental image of sMurphy as a DUMMY TIT is one I shall long treasure.

    Enough ramblins for one night. To the owner of the Wee Ginger Dug from the owner of a bloody mad Big Bernese Dug, thank you for keeping me sane and uplifted throughout the Independence year and please continue until we achieve the freedom we so desire.

    Bill H.

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