Pole-axed by the polls

The Tory peer Lord Ashcroft has released his long awaited polls of individual constituencies and shows that the new clearances are about to commence. Labour will be turfed out of the croft and left with the ashes. It’s almost as difficult for Labour to persuade Scottish voters to vote for it as it is for the BBC to find a clip from a 1970s episode of Top of the Pops that doesn’t feature a sex abuser.

The results are – unbelievably – even worse for Labour than previously thought. And some of us had a very low opinion of them to begin with. On these figures, Labour would even lose Coatbridge. That’s right, Coatbridge. For Labour to lose Coatbridge would be a humiliation like the US gold reserves at Fort Knox being robbed and cleared out by a 12 year old armed with a bent kirby grip. But there is more, there is schadenfreude with knobs on. Knobs like Anas Sarwar would lose the family seat that he inherited from his daddy, and Ian Davidson would be bayonetted out of his seat in Glasgow South West. News of which would set off rejoicing throughout the land as 1.6 million Yes voters cried out in unison “Ha Ha get it up ye.” Because Ian has taught us all the meaning of the words vindictive, graceless, and crass.

Wee Dougie Alexander who is masterminding Labour’s election campaign is going to have to mastermind a campaign to keep his own seat. This looks like being an even more difficult task than persuading voters in Scotland that Ed Miliband is not in fact made out of plasticene. Dougie’s particular brand of skanktimonious pontification is proving as tasty to the voters of Paisley as a six month old unrefrigerated meat pie.

On a personal note, the best news of all is that Magrit Curran would also be turfed off her stairheid in Glasgow East. Writing in Labour List as the party dissected the dire news, Labour blogger Mark Ferguson wrote that Magrit was one of the “quiet heroes” of the referendum campaign – but that was only true because her screeches had reached such a high pitch that they could only be heard by bats.  On Wednesday the lovely Magrit tweeted from her stairheid, while she remains in possession of it, that the polls were difficult for Labour. Which is like saying that ebola makes you feel a bit peaky or that Attila the Hun occasionally displayed challenging behaviours.

The rapidly greying Mr Hi Jumpy was all over the telly screens on Wednesday telling anyone who would listen that the only people who would be pleased by these polls would be Davie Cameron and Osborne his pet iguana, desperately hoping that Scottish voters wouldn’t remember that they could be pleased about the polls for an entirely different set of reasons. All Jim has in his defence is a tired auld excuse about keeping out the Tories – because that worked so well in 2010 when Scotland voted Labour en masse and dismally failed to keep the Tories out of power. The truth is, as the truth always was, that the Tories will get into power if people vote Tory – and there’s precious little that Scotland’s voters can do to prevent people in other parts of the UK from voting Conservative if they see it as being in their interests to do so. But that’s how it works in this better together union, the calls for solidarity only flow one way.

Jim, who’s looking decreasingly smugurph with every passing day and every newly grey hair, is unable to offer Scots any positive reasons for voting Labour. For Jim it’s enough to put on a Scotland fitba shirt and promise that Labour’s the patriotic party. Like anyone is convinced by career politician Jim’s patronising attempts to ingratiate himself with working class voters by making like he’s a man of ra peepul as he mouths meaningless sound bites which are as devoid of content as he is devoid of principles. If Jim Murphy is a socialist, the Pope is the moderator of the Kirk’s general assembly.

Labour in Scotland long ago shafted their principles more deeply than a fracking drill. All that’s left is some noxious gas which bubbles to the surface every time Magrit, Anas or Jim open their gobs. The party has been hollowed out and cracked and fractured below the surface, in most of the supposedly rock solid Labour seats the constituency parties are moribund, consisting of a handful of local councillors and their relatives. Labour never had to contest these seats, they just took them for granted and weighed the Labour vote.

Now however the SNP has ten times or more the number of activists on the ground in Labour’s safest seats. And these activists have, for the most part, not started to campaign. When the door chapping and the canvassing starts for real, Labour is going to find itself outnumbered, outclassed, and out of office. And this time they won’t be able to bus in little helpers from south of the border, as they’ll be too busy fighting their own campaigns. So despite Jim Murphy’s fondly expressed hope that the polls will narrow as the election approaches, it’s just as likely that Labour will plummet even further.

But it’s not all bad news for Labour. Cheer up. It’s really bad news for the Lib Dems too. The Lib Dem vote has expired, the air gone out it and it’s shot across the room like a punctured Wullie Rennie balloon. It’s about the only time you’ll ever see the Lib Dems move purposefully, so make the most of it.

Danny Alexander, Osborne’s little suppository, is set to lose his seat in Inverness by a huge margin. Having spent the past five years implementing cuts with an unseemly amount of enthusiasm, the voters in his constituency are set to axe Danny with the same glee. Danny is not only going to get beaten, he’s going to get ground into dust by the very large rock he’ll have to hide under for the rest of his life. And no one, with the possible exception of Danny’s maw, will shed a tear for the passing of his political career.

Roll on May 7 – we cannae wait. Tick tock Jim, Wee Dougie, Magrit, Anas, Ian and the rest. Yer tea’s oot.


67 comments on “Pole-axed by the polls

  1. “Ha Ha get it up ye.”

    Quote of the day for me. Bookmarked.

  2. Bibbit says:

    “Whit’ll ye dae when the wee malkies come, Magrit, eh? Whit’ll ye dae?” Yes, indeed, Slab does not have it’s troubles (its ‘wee malkies’) to seek. I watched Scotland 2015 and Scotland Tonight both ruminating at length on “Vote SNP get Cameron”, with the ubiquitous John Curtice not even finding one crumb of comfort in the Ashcroft polls. This was 16,000 people polled! Huge amount and at great expense to tory Lord Ashcroft Not once, on either channel, was it mentioned that we did that last time; voted for 41 Labour MPs, out of a possible 59 MPs, AND WE STILL GOT CAMERON. Curtice did try to say that Slab might do better in No voting areas but forgot to mention that with the Liberals DOA, in fact the chances are, that the SNP wins in the NO areas could be better than these mostly 16 YES areas. Roll on May 7th. I simply cannot wait.

    • dave oh what says:

      How many people in Scotland would actually give the phrase ‘vote SNP get Cameron’ a second thought ANYWAY, even if it DID mean anything!

  3. Janis says:

    Great article, one I enjoyed reading for more than it was just so well written. My mp is Douglas Alexander, smug twit. Great to see him out. Onward to May 2015.

    • Campbell macgregor says:

      Me too” we in Inverness will be out in numbers to see him off in style. Can’t say iv herd a good word about him from anyone here in Inverness it looks like it’s a mauling that’s he has coming. Roll on the 7th.

  4. macart763 says:

    The polls are good, getting the job done will be better.

    I seem to recall they held polls up to the Scottish electorate’s collective kissers every week of the past two years. Anything that showed a negative piece of news for the YES campaign or Scotland in general. Most especially Scottish Labour representatives were fond of this hobby. Any and every chance they got to shit on us from a great height, they took it.

    Now? Well now they’re just super patriotic. Polls aren’t really that accurate. They wear Scotland shirts, play keepie uppie, put an extra burr in their Londoncentric best phone voice and wear Saltire patterned incontinence pants.

    They’ll need them.

    They spent two years telling you what you’re not capable of whilst others held faith that we were and still are capable of so much more.

    I still think the Scottish electorate aren’t just capable of better, but deserve better. Dear God, after forty years of dumb and dumber handling our governance and our representation the evidence is there for all to see. You had faith in the current SG in 2007 and 2011, they didn’t let you down. They formed capable, pro active government.

    Give them the tools and the teeth to do the job in Westminster people.

  5. jimnarlene says:

    “If Jim Murphy is a socialist, the Pope is the moderator of the Kirk’s general assembly.”
    Breakfast porridge everywhere, after reading that.
    Hopefully, the polés hold up and are indeed converted in to votes.
    Tick tock……

  6. Ruth Laird says:

    After a stressful eight days, this has been such a joy to read and so funny. Great! Don’t ever stop!

  7. diabloandco says:

    We have to remember never to get carried away by polls – only feet on the ground and a bit of effort will fulfil this dream .
    But by Jove , it fair cheers you up , does it no?

  8. Man, it feels so good to be part of Scottish politics right now – I’m still wrestling with my frustration and disappointment at how feart and small minded the No voters were when it came to be counted on. But now, I have hope – as soon as we’ve dug ourselves out here in the snowy Highlands, I’m joining my fellow SNP members to start shaking hands and encouraging folks to come on this great journey with us! Keep up the braw work Pal x

  9. Peter Arnott says:

    Vengeful fun feels so good. Why is it I feel almost ashamed?

  10. Alex Wright says:

    Absolutely brilliant Paul. You have a wonderful gift of creating hilarious images which are bang on the money regarding each and every one of these despicable people. But underneath the fun you have with them, lies important truth. Genius.

  11. Wonderful!!!!!!! Elegaic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘McQuillan! Yer tea’s oot!’

  12. John Hamill says:

    Just love reading your stuff.

  13. annickburn says:

    Another great Blog and some brill comments too…”Saltire patterned incontinence pants ” ….lol indeed

  14. Wullie says:

    Vote labour to keep tory POLICIES

  15. Nigel Mace says:

    So far, so tasty… and to sample these delights to the full, we need unrelenting effort until May 7. If motivation was needed then the prospect of being served these particular dishes should surely be enough. Then indeed, “Yer tea’s oot” – a perfect last line. Brilliant.

    • Morag Kerr says:

      I wish Ashcroft would do a poll here, for a particular reason. If you know your cause has good support, then you campaign more confidently. We were on 14% last time, and I was conscious of batting for a small minority while I was campaigning. We may suspect we’re doing better than 14% and 4th place now, but we’ve got no figure to prove it.

      If we had an Ashcroft poll showing the SNP even in a decent second place and showing a real challenge to Mundell, I’m sure all our activists would campaign with greater confidence and greater persuasiveness. Don’t you think?

      Damn. Ashcroft is a Tory. Maybe he’ll realise this and not poll DC&T.

      • Nothing to stop you knocking enough doors and using Activate to reach 1,000 of your own voters and do your own poll.
        Don’t wait on Ashcroft ,or anyone else coming to do your work for you.
        If we want this to happen ,we have to make it happen ourselves.

        • hektorsmum says:

          Trouble is as was proved in the Referendum there are those who only believe what they see as official sources, hence they believed the unbelievable, Gordon Brown the Back Bencher.

        • Campbell macgregor says:

          This is true we need to get out and canvas. It’s quite at the moment but the Establishment hasn’t played its roll yet. But it will . I suspect they will treat this election as another referendum. throw the sink at us. We all must do something. Anything that needs doing. Just keep thinking. We are the 45 ” and we will not go away.

      • Nigel Mace says:

        We actually do Morag. Scot goes Pop’s running poll shows over and over again that Mundell is on his way and we will win the seat. His latest tasteless foray on food-banks should do him nicely – to a turn!

  16. Gonzologist says:

    Made my day. Thanks

  17. Red Squirrel says:

    I can’t wait for Danny to get his p45. Never will I enjoy putting an x in a box more. Same goes for all those who’ve served their own interests instead of working for their constituents. Tick tock labour & lib dem troughers…Scotland deserves much better.

  18. smiling vulture says:

    Labour blogger Mark Ferguson wrote that Magrit was one of the “quiet heroes”(obviously never saw glasgae result)

    but that was only true because her screeches had reached such a high pitch that they could only

    A Bat out of Hell

  19. Pat Cruse says:

    Ye’re nae affa fond o’ Magrit are ye?! Just loved the line wi’ the bats 😉

  20. bkbloodaxe says:

    Tom Leonard’s phrase bunnit-hustling is a good one to apply to Murphy …

  21. FREESCOT says:

    Hope Murphys Scotland fitba shirt disnae rub off on the Scotland team cos Murphys a loser.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Well they must have been rubbed with it before because we call the team Scotland Nil, but being Scots, hope springs eternal.

  22. “Margaret Curran – the hardworking Shadow Scotland Secretary and one of the quiet heroes of the referendum campaign.” According to Labour List.

    That had me guffawing like mad. Neither ‘quiet’ nor ‘hero’ are words I would ever use in the same sentence as Curran. As for ‘hardworking’, well the signs of that are missing and I suspect most of her constituents now agree.

    Labour has scraped the bottom of the barrel for too long. Time for real change.

  23. Steve Bowers says:

    Excellent stuff Paul, hope you’re coping with nae fags and bereavment, it can’t be easy for you. I find myself wondering more and more, given the choice of only one Labour “big hitter” to get punted, which one would I pick. Have to say it’s a huge variable, Davidson is todays fav, but Curran, Sawar, Alexander, Murphy etc have all cropped up in my fevered imaginings and it amuses me to play the game, roll on door chappin time.

  24. amanda mcginley says:

    hahahahahahahahaha, oh thank you so much. loving your work, keep it up. spotoin!

  25. gerry parker says:

    Great writing Paul. Just getting over a bout of ‘flu and it really cheered me up.
    Aye, even Coatbridge who’d huv thunk it? Advertizer full of letters who have found Labour out, and want to share it with others.
    Keep up the great work.

  26. Excellent article yet again ,thoroughly enjoyable

  27. Snodista says:

    When me and my pal seen that Magrit would lose her seat I said “can’t wait to read WeeGingerDug’s next blog”. Oh happy day…. tick, tock.

  28. Betty Craney says:

    Thanks again ,Paul ,for a good laugh..I needed it.
    I’m in the middle of writing a note to Coatbridge’s MP ,Tom Clarke ,about a wee lie he told in his article in the Advertiser …the one about SNP letting Thatcher in .
    I never got an answer to my last complaint so I’m not holding my breath for his reply .
    His jaikit’s on a shoogly peg !
    As for Magrit …her FB page is getting pelters ….seems Labour’s not too popular today ..hehehe!

    • gerry parker says:

      Betty, I’m putting a letter to the ‘Tizer this week doing the same thing. Pointing him at Jim Callahan’s book which debunks the myth.
      Good on ye!
      Tom does the same with me, and a few others I guess. But he can’t hide till May hoping it will all go away.

  29. Hope you don’t mind Paul a little advert for SNP East Ren we need help to get rid of Murphy ,every £ helps us

  30. Morag Frame says:

    top form, wee dug. looking forward to waving off the ‘ginger rodent’.

  31. macart763 says:

    Paul, you’ll love this.


    Pay special attention to the link at the bottom of the article which takes you to the guest list. One or two familiar names on there.

  32. Alex Wright says:

    macart763, in that article, there’s a link to a video that shows a pregnant girl shaming them about the £250 a head cost. I wonder if it put wee Mags and her table off their foie gras.

  33. hektorsmum says:

    I meant to write my appreciation of this post Paul but I sort of got sidelined by a visit to Labour List. Seem to be informing some in the South as to the shenanigans up here, at least a few people willing to listen to all us awful SNP trolls. I think it is sad that most of those down in England have so little positive information about the reasons for the Referendum, or the reason behind people flocking towards the SNP and the other parties. I think they do understand in England why so many who supported Labour are haring off and joining other parties, but have no understanding why we in Scotland having been cuffed have not got back into the shortbread tin.
    Well I see your MP has been lying again, that woman needs a good smack and I think many in your constituency are going to do so, but beware of the people who are still going with the ancestor vote.

  34. Andrea says:

    This tweet made by Torquil Crichton (daily Record) is hilarious…”Another curiosity: in some Lab seats rolled over in Ashcroft poll the SNP have not even selected candidates, phantoms taking Labour votes.”

  35. Great piece, wee ginger, you always bring a smile. Never have so many intellectually challenged, arrogant, self interested troughers, deserved a drubbing.

    My SNP branch have a solid candidate, and a much expanded membership, who have been canvassing and leafleting since Xmas, we take nothing for granted.

  36. Crooksy says:

    But Ed Miliband IS made of plasticine! #LabourFACT.

  37. mo Mhorag says:

    I’ve just joined yet another SNP group on FB, in CORNWALL !

  38. Natasha says:

    Brilliant – just brilliant.

  39. Are you aware of ” https://www.facebook.com/MargaretCurranForGlasgowEast

    I left a comment on one of the posts asking what sort of reception they got when they visited you… (Not holding my breath for a response…!)

  40. fillofficer says:

    you bring the sun out with every post, paul….keep it up

  41. colin mcc says:

    Simply brilliant as always

  42. A Meringue says:

    Here is something from the Guardian regarding a coalition talks between Labour and the N. Irish Democratic Unionist Party. Apparently Labour prefer to deal with the DUP rather than the SNP. This will go down well in certain quarters I dont think.


  43. Brian Fleming says:

    Where are you, Paul? Nothing since Feb 5th? i hope you’re well.

  44. kat hamilton says:

    glad the labour troughers will get their just desserts in may. cant wait to see maigrit, dougie , murphy being given the elbow. thank god the scots have woken up and seen through these charlatans. hope to help out with leaflets and door knocks if its needed in my area. heartening times for yessers..

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