A diminishing pile of beans

It’s been one of those weeks.  I’ve not been very well, but am slowly getting better thanks to some nasty medicine.  This is more than can be said for the ailing Labour party in Scotland, which on top of its deeply unattractive warts and acne, its sclerosis and its mange, is now showing all the symptoms of dysentry.  That must be that Murphy bounce they keep telling us about then.  Labour are just nasty, and no medicine can cure them.

A new opinion poll places the SNP on a whopping 52% for voting intention in the Westminster General election, a figure which would see the party walk off with all but four of Labour’s seats in Scotland.  The SNP would even take Mr Hi Jumpy’s seat too, leaving the Scottish branch manager without an elected position and therefore, according to Labour’s rulebook, he’d have to resign as Keezha’s boss.   But then Labour’s rulebook exists mainly for the benefit of Labour’s leadership, so doubtless a fudge would be found.  Or if not a fudge then at least some tablet or a teacake, as Jim’s so very very keen to establish his Scottish creds.

Jim was most recently seen on the telly today volunteering for a foodbank and hoping that no one would notice that it was policies he supported when in government that brought about the need for foodbanks to begin with.  Jim Murphy helped to destroy the ability of thousands of folk to earn a living wage, but now he’s helping to deliver a tin of beans on the telly.  So that makes up for everything.

But the main news on Thursday was the sooper dooper tin of beans given to Scotland, on loan mind, by the Smith Commission.  It’s a lovely tin of beans, not as big a tin as the one we thought we were getting of course, but then Scottish people can’t really be trusted with bean governing.  We might not consume them after all, leading to copious amounts of Westminster gas, we might plant them and they could turn out to be magic beans which grow into a mighty bean plant leading to a magical land.  Before you know it the sound of Fi Fie Foe Fum I smell the blood of Davie Cameron would be ringing out across the country.  This is not a risk Westminster is prepared to take.

The Unionist parties have played a blinder in the Smith Commission, in the sense that they can’t see where they’re going and they don’t know where they’ve been.  It started with a vow to deliver the homiest ruliest devoest maxiest the world had ever seen.  Scotland was going to get the most powerful devolved parliament in the history of devolved parliaments – although it still wouldn’t have control of broadcasting, oil revenues, or most taxes and would have fewer powers than the Faroe Islands – population 49,000.

The bean pile was further reduced during negotiations, as Labour, Tory and Lib Dem bean counters on the phone to their London headquarters vied to remove a mung here and a haricot there.  Labour didn’t want Scotland to have control over abortion laws or the minimum wage.  The Tories didn’t want Scotland have control of anything much really, and the Lib Dems were just pleased that they got a ride in a ministerial motor.

Now the official bill has been put before Westminster, and a few more flageolets and favas have been removed from the pile.  Scotland isn’t going to get control of welfare powers after all.  The Scottish Secretary is to get a veto, the Scottish Parliament can only take action on benefits policies after due “consultations” with the Scottish Secretary of State.  This is a bit like a teenager being told that they can decide for themselves when they go to bed, but only after asking permission to stay up late from their mammy.

Anyway, if you’ve got a masochistic streak greater than that found in someone who gets his jollies from nailing his scrotum to a plank with rusty nails, you can read the entire document here.  It consists of 134 pages of managementwankspeak which promise vague nothingness, and which will in any case be further diluted in interminable committee meetings in Westminster.  By the time an Act passes its final reading, Scotland will be left with control of road signs and precious little else.  Its sole purpose is to give the Conservatives an excuse to introduce measures to prevent Scottish MPs from voting on “English only” laws, even though, due to the Barnett Formula, those “English only” laws very often determine the overall level of Scottish funding.

This is why it is vitally important at the next General Election that Scotland’s voters give the Unionist parties a kicking like they’ve never had before – and this essentially means we deprive Labour of their Scottish beans.

Labour counters this by claiming that Scotland needs to vote for them in order to keep out David Cameron, even though we voted Labour last time and got David Cameron anyway.  It’s pretty obvious that Scotland voting for Labour doesn’t keep David Cameron out, we have David Cameron as Prime Minister to provide the evidence for that.   Scotland voting SNP or Green increases the number of Tory seats in Westminster by precisely zero.  David Cameron might think it’s in his interests to destroy Labour in Scotland – but Labour’s doing a perfectly grand job of destroying itself in Scotland all by itself.

But it’s only by returning a majority of pro-Scotland MPs to Westminster in May that Scotland can ensure that our interests will be represented.  Labour MPs put party interest first.  It means that whatever machinations and manoeuvrings Westminster indulges in over Scottish devolution – and it’s a given that they will – will not enjoy the support of a majority of Scotland’s MPs and will lack a democratic mandate in Scotland.  It means that Scottish MPs have a real chance of holding the balance of power and then we can ensure that the Unionists really do deliver on their promises to bring in Home Rule.  And remember – home rule means at a very minimum that you get to control the TV remote control or it means nothing at all.

Vote Labour, vote to be powerless, vote for a diminishing pile of beans.

40 comments on “A diminishing pile of beans

  1. Elaine says:

    I really miss Spitting Image and think it is time we had its ilk again.
    I think you, WGD, would be brilliant as the script writer.
    Come on someone, commission WGD to write a satirical TV show. I’m fed up with banality, we need someone brave enough to shake things up a bit.

  2. diabloandco says:

    No magic beans then?
    Just another Westminster fart – I mean farce!

  3. […] A diminishing pile of beans […]

  4. Never commented before but have been lurking and reading for a while.
    Just want to say how much I just LOVE reading your blogs!! Should be compulsory reading for everyone in Scotland!
    Keep up the brilliant work Paul!

  5. Bawheid Bragg says:

    ‘Jim was most recently seen on the telly today’.
    When was the last time he was seen in parliament?

  6. INDEPENDENT says:

    Another great take down of the over self serving, Labour Branch Office, I used to think the wee blue Smurph’s were funny.
    The actual Smurphy is even more hysterical than the cartoons.
    Keep up the great work on your Blog, Paul

  7. Anne Lyden says:

    Get properly well soon. I love your incisive, pithy, gourmet, laugh inducing interpretation of events!

  8. Is Mr Hi Jumpy using some kind of reverse Grecian Formula ? Is the ginger smurph morphing into a silver clooney smurph ?Or is it merely caused by stress and pressure ?

  9. A Meringue says:

    Blues singer Seasick Steve has a song called “I started out with nothin and I`ve still got most of it left” seems appropriate for the results of the Smith Commission.

    Hope you are feeling better.

  10. This is brilliant. I actually think this might be my favourite of all your blog posts. Feel better soon x

  11. johnmcgurk66 says:

    Please keep it up Paul, perhaps the people of Scotland will finally wake up and come to their senses. Lets get out of the Westminster set up all together , and start to build a descent way of life here in Scotland.

  12. Steve Asaneilean says:

    It’s all so ironic Paul. When I was a youth in central Scotland in the late 70s and early 80s it was the Tories who were the nasty party.
    But with their current avalanche of vindictiveness, scorn, bile and spite (as epitomised in the media and on the floor of the Scottish Parliament) Labour have stolen the nasty tag at a canter.
    They even manage to make Murdo Fraser seem reasonable which is truly galling!

  13. Hazel Smith says:

    Another great blog Paul. Thanks for making my day.

  14. scunneredwiwm says:

    Dear Paul, you make me laugh, and cry.

  15. Morag Frame says:

    oh wee dug, you never fail to deliver an interesting read and many chuckles. Your bark always remains the highlight of my day when i see your deposit in my ‘in tray’, Your dump spells truth, as well as ‘hope’ because ginger dugs can smell ‘rodent’ a mile off!

  16. lisa says:

    It’s always brilliant to see a post from you! You are always spot on Paul. Labour are an absolute disgrace. They conned us with their lies in the past and they’re not even trying to cover them up now. Trident says it all.I can’t wait to see them getting tanked in May! Not before time!

  17. macart763 says:

    A lot of words to give you nothing and retain final say over anything we propose. The capper? If we do want something we have to go cap in hand to the only sasquatch in captivity (Secretary of state for Scotland), for permission to go potty.

    Oh joy.

  18. smiling vulture says:

    Scottish Liberal Democrats

    smith commission = HomeRule


  19. Joe Baxter says:

    ‘mon the WGD.

  20. yerkitbreeks says:

    Things are playing well – so far. What with the likes of the Lab and Con posters implying opposite influences for the SNP, and the shoe – shuffling of Sturgeon adding to the mix.

    It may not be as exciting as the run – up to the Referendum, but it’s much more than I expected last October, and there’s four months to go.

    Soon be time for chapping again.

  21. fehvepehs says:

    You wee bar steward …. so yi are. This is the reason why eh dinna even an bother try and write blogs. It’s been a lang time since eh actually laughed out loud when reading. Brilliant is no a good enough word and disna dae justice to your work. Pure dead brilliant.
    Love it.

  22. scotsgeoff says:

    Hopefully come May we can make the Unionist Parties in Scotland has-beens.

  23. Neil Munro says:

    They certainly aren’t human beans

  24. bringiton says:

    As long as we Scots continue to vote for representatives of the English based political parties,the Westminster establishment can claim to be a parliament of all the nations of these islands.
    Once that is gone,the shoogly peg that the UK “constitution” hangs on will fall from the wall and the democratic deficit here in Scotland will be clearly exposed for all to see.
    The English parties have made it clear that the feeble powers proposed under Smith are as far as they are prepared to go with us Scots and democratic governance.
    Westminster doesn’t do democracy and only understands force and threats when it comes to governance.
    A medieval institution clinging to the notion of greatness who see an autonomous Scotland as diminishing England’s importance in global affairs.

  25. David Agnew says:

    To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, the Smith commission is as thin as a watery soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a chicken that had starved to death.

  26. hektorsmum says:

    Meant to write earlier, sorry you have been unwell Paul and hope that you are actually on the mend. I have had problems this week as well, the sort brought on with the likes of beans. Tummy has had enough of the wind and upset and seems to have settled down at last, well until I read this. Jim Murphy is about as palatable as a can of Murphy’s Stout, and that is wersh.
    I am sure that once the Smith Commission’s feeble attempt filters through to even some of the stoutest supporters they will be unhappy.
    Any way the English are getting themselves very unhappy with us, because we are still not shutting up. This way Independence.

  27. Angry Weegie says:

    Great post. It was all going so well until “Labour MPs put party interests first”. Here I have to disagree with you, MPs like Murphy (and there are many more like him) put self interest first, then party interest, then family interest, then friends interest, then football club interest, then their other interests’ interest, and then, if they have the time, their constituents’ interest next, or maybe not.

  28. kat hamilton says:

    there truly is nothing left in westminster or its politics that isnt smears, lies,distortions, cover ups, scandals,really gives you the dry boak. please wake from your slumber scotia and vote for another vision of what we could be…may cant come soon enough

  29. Gavin Barrie says:

    If necessary, the Tories and Labour will form a coalition. The prospect of Labour agreeing a case by case agreement with the SNP in order to be the government would be a step too far for the Establishment.

    Even should the SNP win ALL 59 Scottish seats the Tories, Labour, or a coalition of them will freeze out the SNP from Westminster power. It will be called the democratic will of the people (of England).

    The pursuit of power, the retention of power. And Scotland is powerless within this pseudo union.

    • macart763 says:

      Not entirely powerless. Scots law is a separate entity and the Scots populace are not subjects of the crown. We may have agreed to continue this union in September, but the populace of Scotland cannot be forced to do anything against their collective will.

      With a majority SNP representation in both parliaments Scotland essentially becomes ungovernable to all intents and purposes. With a unionist party in control of one or both, legislation gets hammered down our throats whether we like it or not. Or to put it another way, with strong pro Scotland representation we need to be asked nicely to do stuff.

      They’re not the only ones who can drag their heels on legislation and implementation. This becomes especially important in a tight or hung commons. God I hope they are stupid enough to form a Lab/Con coalition. It would blow the union and UK politics out of the water as both Tory parties came together and voters from both party traditions went ballistic big time.

      Imagine the true left in England finding that for all their patience and hope of change they had been in support of a fraud? Imagine their response to finding all that loyalty had been expended in vain. God, it would be electoral carnage.

      • Brian Fleming says:

        Given the history of poll tax riots down south, i think it could be more than just ELECTORAL carnage.

      • Brian Fleming says:

        The problem really is achieving that ‘collective will’. United we stand, divided we fall has never been more apposite.

        • macart763 says:

          True, but that divide isn’t as wide as it used to be.😉

          We have something to build on post referendum. They have something to lose and with every new action taken by HMG toward rewriting legislation and empowering the corporate world, whilst diminishing the rights of the population, they lose just that little bit more.

  30. macart763 says:

    See jolly hi jumpy was busy playing keepie uppie and attending photo shoots whilst his flagship policy was torn apart.

    Soooooooo the fracking issue not really high on his to do list for Scotland after all.

    Who knew?

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