Voting is now open in Bella Caledonia’s indyref awards, because we didn’t win the actual indyref, they thought it would be a good idea to cheer us up with an awards ceremony. Thankfully this hasn’t proven necessary as the Labour party has been providing Scotland with endless amusement since the 18th of September, and looks set to give us the biggest belly laugh of 2015 when it gets its backside soundly kicked in May’s general election.
The ceremony is going to be non-glitzy, which means that the BBC won’t be showing it. Sally Magnusson will not be putting in an appearance in a big frock. But since Sally has never reported on anything else that Bella Caledonia has ever done, and the BBC has studiously ignored every press call that Bella has ever put out, that’s hardly much of a surprise.
Personally I am hoping that David Torrance will turn up in person to collect his award for pointiest pointy-heid, because I’m dying to know if the Hair is actually hair, or whether it’s cunningly constructed from layers of plastic and product. And it is the single most burning question in Scottish political commentary, does it take Davie longer to to do his hair than it takes him to write one of his articles moaning about Alicsammin.
Anyway this blog has been nominated in the category of funniest blog. It’s a tight run race though, I’ve got BBC Scotlandshire coming up my behind, which is a thrilling experience of the sort I’ve previously only had the pleasure of in the darker corners of some of the more obscure members-only night clubs. Some people pay good money for that sort of thing you know, and let’s be honest – we have to take our thrills where we can find them.
I voted for BBC Scotlandshire for two reasons – firstly because they make me laugh more than I make myself laugh, and secondly because it just seems dashed ungentlemanly to vote for yourself. That’s the sort of thing Jim Murphy does. ‘Nuff said. Not that I am going to cast aspersions on the good people who write BBC Scotlandshire, but there’s more than one of them, and I bet they’ve all voted for themselves – probably more than once – and so have their mothers. You know what these BBC types are like with their cunning ability to purge cookies from their browsers. My mother is still struggling with the Interwebbies, so I’m at a disadvantage before we’ve even begun.
But having said that – I’d really like you to vote for me if you’ve not already voted. I’m a nice person with a skin condition and am making a naked appeal for your pity. Give me your vote and your pity and I’ll put some clothes on, so you’ll be able to keep down the yum-yum and peake freens you’re enjoying with your cup of tea. Plus I’ll stop shedding flakes of dead skin all over your carpet and upsetting the cat. But think of the fortune you’ll save on shake-n-vac.
The dug has never won anything. While we still lived in Spain, he was entered in a local dog show for rescued dogs in the category of scruffiest mongrel. He didn’t win, being beaten in the winsome stakes by a one eyed spaniel collie cross with mange. Admittedly the fact that he’d tried to savage the judge’s labradoodle may have swung the vote against him, that and spending most of the afternoon trying to eat a yorkie. No, not the ones with the chocolate.
I’ve never won anything either, except for a turkey I once won in a raffle at my dad’s bowling club when I was 14. I don’t even like turkey that much. And bowling even less. Every time I hear the words Indoor Bowling from Coatbridge I break out in a cold sweat. So vote for me in a meaningless popularity contest with online voting that’s easy to pauchle. I love sausage rolls, and a collection of Greggs finest at the Yes Bar in Glasgow is the nearest I’m likely to get to an awards ceremony. Although I did get an invite the Oscar ceremony, it was when he married his boyfriend. Nae sausage rolls there though, cheap bastert.
Bella Caledonia, more coveted than a dead turkey, it might not be much of an accolade, but in the absence of a Pointless trophy I can stick on my mantlepiece, a pointless award will do just as well. So get yourselves along to Bella Caledonia, and vote Dug, not Dugdale.
Just click the following link –