Mortuary SLAB

I’ve given up – my plans to write about something other than the flustercluck which passes for the Smugurph’s leadership of the Labour party in Scotland have foundered upon the McTernan Rocks, a diminutive and unpleasant excrescence in the barren sea of Blair which previously sank the career of the leader of the Labour party in Australia, and dragged into the murky depths by the slimy tentacles of the cataclysmic Robertson monster with its remarkably small mouth.

Much as I criticise the Labour party in Scotland, I had assumed that they had an organ approximating a brain which permitted them to engage in a modicum of strategic planning.  A wrong headed brain, a selfish brain, a self-serving and hypocritical brain perhaps, but it was reasonable to assume that somewhere deep within the bowels of Labour party lurked something which could be described as grey matter.  But no, there’s just more crap and a fetid odour.  You’ll find plastic toys of infinitely greater value in a Christmas cracker, as well as jokes that are less stale.  Labour only gives us plastic toys like Wee Wullie Bain, and bad jokes like Magrit Curran.

The deeply gobsmacky thing is that Labour is after all a party which aspires to govern the Yookayohkay, and so you could be forgiven for believing that they must have some notion of the complexities of the task before them.  But you’d be sadly wrong.  The Labour party in Scotland is brain dead.  The only grey matter they have is corpse grey on the mortuary SLAB.  All they are interested in is trying, by whatever means necessary, to persuade enough information deprived suckers to mark an X by their candidate in the next election.  They don’t have a clue what they propose to do with power once they achieve it – other than, of course, to keep getting those salaries and expense accounts, and angling for cushy directorships once their political careers are spent.  What Labour won’t be doing is anything that approaches the redistribution of wealth and power.

It’s hard to imagine what reason a sentient body interested in responsible socialist tinged government might have had for appointing John McTernan, dwarfy pitbull stand-in and purveyor of jaggy underwear for Tony Blair, as the chief of staff for the Labour party in Scotland.  John is the embodiment of just about everything that has revolted people and turned them off Labour over the past couple of decades.  John represents a Labour party which is unremittingly negative, sneering, dismissive, and possessed of an overweening sense of its own righteousness which it believes provides more than ample justification for its childish vindictiveness.

John’s great political theory was the notion that the only way to beat the Tories at the ballot box is to out-Tory them.  So he enthusiastically spun and smeared for a party that tacked ever further to the right.  People like John believe that hating the Tories means it’s OK to be hateful, and in his hatred fails to realise that he has turned into the very thing he hates.  The irony is of course lost on him.  John doesn’t do irony.  He doesn’t do empathy, compassion, or understanding either.  That’s what makes him the perfect right hand man for Jim Murphy.

John was most likely behind the utterly ridiculous claim that under the Smugurph, Labour would recruit 1000 more nurses in Scotland than the SNP, and these nurses would be funded by a raid on a tax on London properties.  It’s the kind of nastiness favoured by John, who naturally assumes that everyone else is as revolting as he is.  The underlying assumption is of course that Labour supporters were attracted to vote Yes because they hate the English, and so can be persuaded to return to Labour if Labour promises to punish the English – especially those in London.  The policy is of course an utter nonsense, but it grabbed the headlines, so job done.  Health is a devolved matter, so no number of Westminster MPs is going to make the slightest bit of difference.  The only way that Jim’s nursing pledge could come to pass is if Labour wins an outright victory in May 2015 in Westminster and May 2016 in Holyrood.  Good luck with that Jim.  Meanwhile Labour politicians from London accused Jim of trying to buy Scottish votes by damaging the party’s chances of succeeding in gaining votes in London – where it also needs to succeed if there is any chance of it forming a government in 2015.  Ed Miliband must be rueing the day that he decided to back the Smugurph for Scottish leadership and wondering if Sarah Boyack or Neil Findlay would have been so bad after all.

The lovely John tweeted on Friday that his appointment had been condemned by the usual suspects – that would presumably be you and me then – but welcomed by the “right people”.  And this is perfectly true, right people were hugely enthused, John’s appointment was widely welcomed by right wing commentators who write for the Telegraph.

John’s strategy for Labour is founded on the need to bring “Glasgow man” back to the party.  “Glasgow man” is shorthand for West of Scotland male voters, who traditionally backed Labour, but who voted Yes in the referendum.  People like me then.  But if John McTernan thinks I am going to be attracted by his vindictiveness and his negativity, he’s in for a rude shock.  I’m not interested in “sticking the boot into London” John.  I’m interesting of ridding politics of nasty wee trolls like you.

It’s even harder to imagine the thought processes engaged in by the person who wrote the press release saying that the Scottish Labour party would henceforth put the needs of Scotland first when developing policy.  Apparently they were unaware that this was an admission that they’ve not put Scotland’s need first up until now – although admittedly this comes under the heading “so tell us something we don’t know”.  All this was bad enough – but what on earth possessed them to tell the papers that the party had christened the new doctrine Murphy’s Law?  Don’t they know what that means?

There hasn’t been a less appropriate name since General Motors launched a marketing campaign to sell a car called the Nova in Mexico, unaware that No Va is Spanish for “it doesn’t go”.  Labour doesn’t even have the excuse that they are operating in a foreign language.  Unless you count honesty, but that’s not a foreign language to them, just a foreign concept.
My thoughts today are in Paris, as the city mourns its dead.  Let’s strive for a world where the only weapons are words.  Let’s strive for a world where the powerless have a voice.  Let’s strive for a world where the fanatics realise that a god whose honour must be defended with bullets, bombs and bloodshed is a weak and fragile god who does not deserve to be worshipped.

Je suis Charlie.  Je suis Ahmed.  Je suis juif.  Je suis musulman.



BellaCaledonia is hosting the IndyRef awards.  And this wee blog has been nominated as funniest blog.  Aww shucks.  You can vote here –

47 comments on “Mortuary SLAB

  1. Thepnr says:

    Murphy and McTernan would have benefited from being given a wee ginger dug puppy for Christmas.

    Instead it would appear that they got, as usual, an onion in their sock

  2. jimnarlene says:

    Perhaps, Dim Jim would prefer the Toyota mr2 in France, as his choice of vehicle.
    Mc Tearwan, is an odious wee man and a gift to the YES inclined, prepare for dark deeds ahead, from the spiteful gobshite.

  3. I too am Glasgow man, and with every utterance and show of stupidity Labour push me further away.

  4. aitchbee says:

    To steal a line from the Herald Diary, Scottish Labour expecting us to get excited about the prospect of putting them into power is like expecting a corpse to get excited when the gravediggers change shift.

  5. kat hamilton says:

    gets worse by the minute. surely the general public will have more savvy politically to realise these fakes represents no one but themselves. pretending to be patriotic after marching with their unionist cohorts makes me irate…time for the gloves to come off and to take issue with their devious doings…

  6. Linda Kilmurray says:

    says it like it is ,THANKYOU.

  7. allan sayers says:

    who would have thought labour would be using the Telegraph to get stuff out. I can hardy beieve that I ever supported Them.

  8. mogabee says:

    Labour no longer have anything we need or want. Especially with those nasties in it.

  9. Jan Cowan says:

    Yes, Paul, Murphy/McTernan is a sickening combination but makes it all the more obvious to original Labour supporters that their turn to independence was a wise turn. Surely many more will follow.

  10. diabloandco says:

    Well they’ve used Godwin’s law against us now they’re using (sniggery ,sniggery) Murphy’s – I wonder if that will be more successful?
    There are ,apparently, lots of different “laws ” perhaps they will use the full gamut.

    I support your last statement wholeheartedly.

  11. Gavin Barrie says:

    Whit, no mention of Kezia Dugdale, deputy leader? McTiernan’s – step one away, from being his boss.She’s not long out of school, eight years or thereabouts she said at FM Question Time. She’ll have to grow up pretty quick in the “man’s world” of McTiernan.

    Eat your cereal McTiernan?

  12. macart763 says:

    Labour’s entire narrative is about hatred and division. They learnt their lessons well from the masters – divide and conquer. Spread hatred, spread otherness, between family, friends and neighbours. Oh and then project. Project this narrative onto those others and make of them the source of all the public’s woes.

    When you consider the need which brought about the birth of the Labour movement, it would make you weep.

    The need is still there and its time to give others the responsibility of answering that need. Labour lost its way and won’t find it again any time soon on current evidence.

  13. gillie says:

    If you hate the Tories, Lib Dems, UKIP, SNP or Labour vote Labour

    If you hate Cameron, Clegg, Farage, Salmond or Miliband vote Labour.

    If you hate the English, Irish, Welsh, Poles or Scots vote Labour.

    If you hate Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Muslims or atheists vote Labour.

    If you hate royalists, republicans, separatists or unionists vote Labour.

    If you hate socialists, liberals, conservatives or racists vote Labour.

    If you hate feminists, misogynists, homosexuals, heterosexuals or yourself vote Labour.

    Come home to hate, come home to Labour.

  14. Marian says:

    What Labour in Scotland and their buddies in the MSM have in abundance is basic animal cunning which they believe trumps brains every time.

  15. Ian says:

    The Vauxhall Nova story reminds me of seeing a Mitsubishi Pajero in a small town in Andalucía. How they sold that one I’ve no idea.

    • Fat boab says:

      Aye but what about the Czechs calling a car they make a “Škoda”? which, I’m told, is Czech for “What a pity”?

      • jdman says:

        When I saw the header at the side of the page
        Fat Boab on mortuary slab,
        I thoucht ye were deed
        fair gave me a richt turn ah’ll tell ye.

    • jdman says:

      Ha ha ha ha ha
      Pajero. Spanish slang word meaning ‘He who fiddles with himself for sexual gratification’

  16. Morag Frame says:

    Another Labour egotistical thug enlisted to bully the gullible into voting for them! McTernan fancies himself as the new Campbell at the arse end of Smurphs pantomime trojan horse.

  17. Albawoman says:

    Somewhere a voice crying in the wilderness what about Glasgow Women you lovely SLAB guys?

  18. Campbell macgregor says:

    Well said by all

  19. They are risible but they’re not daft. Problem for SNP is the ‘incumbency effect’ Smurfnsmearman know that they only need to engineer a 2 or 3 point swing in seats where they hold large majoritys ,to hold on to maybe half the seats. They can present this as a victory – especially when they can play it off against the current hyperbole about ‘wipe-outs’ ..

  20. Well done, Paul. But as we all know, the “elephant in the room” is the M.S.M, led by their cheerleader, the B.B.C. So no matter what ideas McTernan, Murphy, or any of their acolytes come up with, it will still be hailed as “the greatest thing since sliced bread” by these outlets, and, whatever we think of them, they still have the greatest influence on the voting public. That is why we “lost” the referendum, and why our victory in the coming G.E won’t be as decisive as it would be, if we had a level playing field, as far as the media is concerned.

  21. arthur thomson says:

    Thank you Paul. SLAB are pursuing their usual line in cynicism. How do we counteract it? I don’t see a way of persuading the Brit Scots to rethink their position that involves being ‘nice’. On the other hand, women voters in particular seem put off by arguments that are perceived to be aggressive. I am sure that there are many Scots who feel, as I do, a sense of impotent rage in the face of the odds that are stacked against us. My gut feeling is that we need to get much more assertive – but how? I would be particularly interested to know how women who support our goals think we can be more assertive without undermining our case.

    • Campbell macgregor says:

      We are ment to be frustrated . By shutting us down they control so called democracy” when or if people clame freedom and democracy they will at first apose then use force .to shut it down . It won’t just be given up .

  22. Les Wilson says:

    “Much as I criticise the Labour party in Scotland, I had assumed that they had an organ approximating a brain which permitted them to engage in a modicum of strategic planning.”

    Very true Paul, but how is it that they know very well how to organise postal votes, they are experts at that. Just like a guy who can’t read, but knows every penny he is owed, er, somehow!

    • Brian Fleming says:

      Les, perhaps someone fixes the postal votes for them. I mean, MI5, 6 or whatever have to do something to fill their days, I imagine.

  23. johnmcgurk66 says:

    This has made my morning Paul , I have been out all morning in this bloody weather and reading this cheered me up no end . THANK YOU

  24. mary docherty says:

    Arthur Thompson …Ifind being awfy cheery and telling lies works wonders. There’s a bus queue in the East End that are lookin forward to the referendum in 2017 !!

  25. Wee Jonny says:

    Ha – “the slimy tentacles of the cataclysmic Robertson monster with its remarkably small mouth.”
    I used to impersonate Doad R when he was a big beastie back in t’ day by speaking while pursing my lips. All the while saying the man’s puss looks like an ersehole.
    Ace again Paul.

    • Liz Quinn says:

      I once heard someone say that Lord George has “a mooth like a cat’s erse”. Perfect description.

  26. Brian Fleming says:

    Paul, that’s the best (and most honest) comment I’ve yet read on the Paris killings. Thank you.

  27. ronaldtar says:

    Paul the Bella awards, you’ll walk it mind take the Dug along.
    As I say on many occasions Wee Ginger Dug will make the reader Laugh / Greet /Piss Themselves, all in one story ( thats piss as in laughter).

    Is that coffee table finnished yit or will I ask Lesley Hinds tae pay you a visit (she,s a Tram expert) LoL.

  28. Glad to find you still at your best..respect.

  29. MoJo says:

    voted – and you are still ahead by at least 100 votes! Keep voting folks and spread the word…..we want to see the Dug walk down the red carpet!

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