Skanktimonious sock puppets and the Smugurph bounce

It’s not easy being Saint Dougie the Diminutive, all those party colleagues and Guardian writers looking at you expecting a miracle, and all you’ve got is a box of party tricks that are as transparent as cling film on a mouldy piece and cheese. The poor wee lambie can’t even stand on a box to make himself look more imposing, not since the Smugurph blagged it to go off on his eggy magnetic tour and the Kirk of Scotland hasn’t obliged him with a pulpit for ages. Labour’s very own wee skanktimonious sock puppet has been bouncing up and down excitedly in the columns of the Guardian again – because Severin Carroll is on his holidays and the paper has to mainline Labour press releases instead of cutting it with filler to pretend that they’re publishing their own copy.

The occasion of Dougie’s holier than thou bouncing was the news that during the next General Election the Tories – boo hiss – are set to outspend Labour – boo hiss – by a factor of three to one. This is because the Tories are even more successful at whoring themselves out to big business than Labour is, news which comes as something as a surprise to anyone who has followed Jim Murphy’s career or who has realised why skanktimonious isn’t a typo when it’s applied to Dougie Alexander. But undaunted, St Dougie the Dwaarfie, patron saint of crotchless knickers, is promising that Labour is going to beat the Tories in the ground war and will outnumber Tory activists by the same margin on the streets and chapping on the doors.

To be fair, this will not be hard to achieve in Dougie’s constituency where the Tories can be outnumbered three to one by Dougie, his alter ego as a creeping Jesus, and his sister. That is if his sister is still talking to him, but the knife that he plunged into Wendy’s back does act as a very convenient hanger for election posters. In Dougie’s constituency and across the rest of Scotland, outnumbering the Tories isn’t difficult. Pandas have famously achieved it. The difficulty will be outnumbering the SNP, who have been breeding prodigiously and are to Labour as rabbits are to pandas. The Tory activists are demoralised, says Dougie, who has clearly confused them with his own dwindling band of unhappy Labour campers.

Not that anyone really knows how many activists Labour has in Scotland, since the party refused to release the full voting figures from their coronation of St Jim the Haloed. However what we do know is that there are 475 elected Labour representatives in Scotland – MPs, MSPs, MEPs, and local councillors, so if active party membership is indeed around the 7000 mark as estimated by Stu Campbell on Wings Over Scotland, then 6.8% of Labour’s active members are elected politicians, and a sizeable whack of the remainder are either related to them or are their personal friends. Allowing for each elected representative to have a significant other and at least six relatives or friends – although in the case of Ian Davidson that’s probably stretching it considerably – then 54.4% of the Labour party in Scotland is made up of elected Labour politicians and their personal contacts. No wonder they were too embarrassed to release the actual figures. Labour in Scotland isn’t a party, it’s a private members club. That explains the crotchless knickers then.

Anyway, Dougie is determined that Labour is going to surf the tidal wave of public anger and that’s going to carry them to victory, neglecting to take into account the fact that much of that public anger is directed at Dougie and his pals. So Labour will indeed be surfing the wave, in much the same way that the Titanic surfed that iceberg, straight down to the bottom of a mid-Atlantic trench with no way out.

However Dougie tells us that Labour is “engaging with the anger”, although he’s not actually explained how. As a voter in Magrit Curran’s constituency, I have yet to witness anything that might lead me to believe that Magrit was engaging with the anger of local people – something she could achieve quite easily by being locked into a pillory at Parkhead Cross and having stale yum yums, custard pies, and past their sell by date cream cakes thrown at her. But nothing with jam in it, because Labour would combust spontaneously if it was ever confronted with real jam. Jam and Labour have never been seen together in the same room. Jam is Labour’s kryptonite. Only invisible mythical jam does it for Labour. And definitely not eggs. Eggs are vile and dangerous weapons of hatred and soufle destruction. You could have someone’s eye out with a flan. Just ask Jim Murphy. His entire career is built on egg based aggression.

Meanwhile the Smugurph himself has been touting his inventive auld schtick again. No, not his expenses claims, the claim that we need to vote Labour in order to keep out Davie Cameron. In Coatbridge and Methil – are there any Tories in Coatbridge and Methil? Voting Labour to keep out the Tories worked so well the last time, didn’t it, and Jim wants us to stick with a winning strategy. Winning for him, that is, the rest of us are screwed anyway. I seem to recall that we voted en masse for Labour at the General Election in 2010, Scotland returned 50 odd Labour MPs to Westminster – and in some cases they were extremely odd indeed, Wullie Bain, ’nuff said – and we signally failed to keep out Davie Cameron. However we did give Magrit Curran and the Smugurph some lovely expenses claims and a John Lewis list, so it was all worthwhile really.

Scotland voted Labour all the way through the 1980s and 90s, and we didn’t keep the Tories out. We voted Labour in 2010, and we didn’t keep the Tories out. Vote Labour to keep out the Tories is one of the most pernicious myths of Scottish politics. Apart from the myth that Labour is a left wing party and Jim Murphy is a socialist. Voting for an anti-Tory party like the SNP or the Greens is not going to increase Davie Cameron’s chances of electoral success, it’s not going to make a Tory government more likely. An SNP, or Scottish Green or Scottish Socialist MP (OK, so I can dream) is not going to support a Cameron government. And neither, unlike Jim Murphy’s Labour party, would they support Labour’s Tory austerity with a sad face policies.

Despite the frantic spinning of the likes of Dougie and the Scottish media, Labour has not enjoyed a bounce in the polls following the election of Jim Murphy as branch manager.  We’ve seen Labour’s promises far too often before, and this time we see through the spin and the cant.  2015 looks like it’s going to be a momentous year. It’s going to be the year that Labour finally gets the message that Scottish voters have been sending it for the best part of ten years now. They’ll get the message when we vote the sorry lot of them out of office and replace them with politicians who prioritise the interests of Scotland and Scottish communities, not the City of London, the banks, and the defence industry. And no amount of excited spinning from a skanktimonious intellectual dwarf will change that.  The Smugurph bounce is Labour’s final leap into a well deserved oblivion.

Happy New Year Dougie.


23 comments on “Skanktimonious sock puppets and the Smugurph bounce

  1. mogabee says:

    Good to see you bounce back with such an excellent piece….But Magrit Curran and crotchless knicks?

    Just doesn’t bare(sorry) thinking about. ;D

  2. MorvenM says:

    Happy New Year everybody! I see Labour is now saying we have to vote for them or the Tories will destroy the NHS in the next 5 years. Thought that was just supposed to be an evil Yes scaremongering story.

  3. Tris says:

    Has Jim a different set of policies for a Labour government in London, from those put forward by Ed Miliband? Or is it same old WMDs, wars and austerity for the under £30K a year brigade and bonuses and honours for the bankers…just like England and just as normal?

  4. […] Skanktimonious sock puppets and the Smugurph bounce. […]

  5. Justin Fayre says:

    And then you need to add on all these canny folk who are regulars of the Labour Clubs up and down the country. Signing up to get cheaper booze without realising or not caring that by doing so they’re adding themselves onto Labour’s membership figures

  6. […] Skanktimonious sock puppets and the Smugurph bounce […]

  7. mary says:

    Brilliant WGD, havnae laughed so much for ages AYE
    And a guid new year to you and family

  8. jimnarlene says:

    Skanktimonious now, officially, my favourite word.

  9. Beldie says:

    Was suffering from WGD withdrawal symptoms. Haven’t laughed so much since your last post. Brilliant. All the best for 2015.

  10. diabloandco says:

    Thanks for that wee treat in my inbox!

  11. Capella says:

    Happy New Year to you too!
    GE15 is upon us and the UKOK propaganda machine will be churning out Dougie type drivel full tilt for 5 months. Can the engines take the strain? Hope not.
    Keep on pouring sugar into the tank. It’s a refreshing antidote.

  12. macart763 says:

    Great pick me up. 🙂

  13. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Another cracking piece Paul – welcome to another year. Any luck on the job front yet?

    As I posted recently on Wings, the next four months could be as historically important as the last few twelve. We need to put as much effort in as we did for September 18th.

    If I learned anything from the last year or two it’s these two things: (1) when you really believe in something you never give up because you know it’s going to happen one day and it may not even be in your lifetime but it’s so just and so right it will succeed eventually; (2) anything is possible.

    I don’t know about anyone else but I am really excited about the next four months – onwards and upwards.

  14. Lisa Houston says:

    Brilliant piece …whatever your political stance …happy new year to you and your followers 😇

  15. Michael Housman says:

    Put a smile on my face which can take some doing these days. In The National there is a piece about how Kezia Dugdale seems to be breaking away from the Murphy line about co-operating with the SNP. Interesting times…

  16. hektorsmum says:

    Nice to see you back and to see your piece in the iScot. A lovely magazine and nice to be able to keep your article. As Michael says. Kezia Dugdale has broken cover, just wonder who has agreed to this. Looking at Guido this morning, I doubt London Labour will have.

  17. Betty Craney says:

    A Guid New Year to you and yours!
    What a tonic your posts are .
    I don’t know how many Tories are in Coatbridge ( don’t think I’ve ever met one)- maybe they’re in hiding- but it’ll be a rerr terr trying to get Tom Clarke out as he’s been in with the bricks since early 80s …but never say die …well do our best …Onwards and Upward !

  18. Alabaman says:

    Gid New Year to you Paul, and to each and every one on this site.
    How about copying this, Paul’s latest to the news editor of The National?, if it does not start giving “guest” slots to some of those who fought so hard for a “Yes” vote, (and you can guess the ones I mean), then that paper will miss out on hundreds, if not thousands of extra readers.

    • tony martin says:

      you are so right.about the National. They are far too predictable and so ‘safe’ i expect to wake up any day and find it no more..They need to do a Lidl and have surprises every week. it is a winning formulae. The National is failing to reflect the creativity, diversity and excitement of the wider Yes Campaign which was responsible for at least 15% of the YES vote

  19. arthur thomson says:

    I look in my inbox every day for something from you and it is always a treat when I find it. Thank you and I am still happy to contribute to any crowdfund to support you through the lean times. Who knows what the ge will bring but everyone needs your insight to make sense of the goings on and keep spirits up. Somehow – I don’t know how – the concept of ‘the wee ginger dug’ has to become known to all Scots and be a source of inspiration for our youngsters.

  20. Tatterdemelon says:

    I am writing to the Editor of the National to urge him to give you a column immediately!

  21. macart763 says:

    I see this post is in the National’s Reading LIst.

    Go on National. You know it makes sense. 🙂

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