Mr Hi Jumpy and the high jump

Jim Murphy has been raising the profile of the Labour party this week, at least according to an interview in the Guardian, a newspaper which sells only a handful of copies in Scotland, most of which are to people who like the crossword. This means that the Labour party’s profile has been successfully raised amongst people who like to do crosswords – but of course people who like to do crosswords also understand that ‘deluded Mr Hi Jumpy is very confused (3, 6)’.

Anyway, Mr Hi Jumpy has a very high opinion of himself and likes to remind everyone how hard it was for him when he was a baba. The Baby Hi Jumpy was born in a cutlery drawer in Arden under a star, or at least a disco ball, and was visited by the three kings from Labour party headquarters who presented him with the gifts of a brass neck, a press office, and an expenses claims form. Mainly in the hope it would make him go away and stop plotting against Ed Miliband.

However the media is determined to blur the distinction in the voter’s mind between Jim Murphy and the Baby Jesus, and over the coming holiday season BBC Scotland has lined up a Christmas special programme called Jim’s Nativity Miracle, during which he’ll be visited by a donkey, an ass, and some shepherds who’ve lost their sheep – that’ll be Ian Davidson and Dougie Alexander together with the management of BBC Scotland. Kezia Dugdale will play the role of an angel in a dufflecoat, who appears in a vision to the Daily Mail and complains about cybernats being nasty to her.

The Christmas message will be that Mr Hi Jumpy has come to redeem Labour from its sins, and seeks to achieve this by hoping that the rest of us will forget what Labour’s many sins are if we’re constantly bombarded with sycophantic interviews which go on about drawers in Arden like it makes Jim something special. It might spoil the infantile narrative to point out that Jim’s hardships largely took place during a time when Labour was in power, and the policies Jim and the rest of his misbegotten party have espoused ever since have done precious little to alleviate them for the rest of the residents of Arden. Labour, let us recall, refused to allow the devolution of minimum wage policy to the Scottish Parliament during the Smith commission negotiations.

Mr Hi Jumpy told the Guardian’s reporter that it was clear from the attacks on him that his opponents think he “isn’t shit”. And this would be true, Jim’s opponents don’t think he’s shit. But just stick an indefinite article in front of that last noun and you’ve got a very accurate assessment of what we do think he is. The chain is going to be pulled in May, and the 45 campaign is lining up to perform the role of the toilet duck of Scottish politics.

In his latest foray into lookitme politics, Mr Hi Jumpy has announced that he wants to end the ban on alcohol at fitba matches. He thinks it’s unfair that middle class yobs at rugby matches can imbibe some swally, but working class yobs at the real fitba can’t. Jim’s teetotal himself, but he’s drunk on the idea of cheap publicity, and he needs all the cheap publicity he can get, because according to the opinion polls Labour continues to look like a down and out alkie in the electoral gutter. The UK media kept telling us that Jim was going to turn around the fortunes of the Labour party, how a big hitter like him was exactly what the party needed to take on the supposedly provincial politicians of Holyrood, but it’s not working out according to plan, despite the hagiographies and near sainthood bestowed on a serial expenses claimant and apologist for Tony Blair’s war crimes.

But Jim is no longer an apologist – he thinks Labour needs to stop apologising and move on. Politicians always say this sort of thing when they desperately hope that the public will overlook their previous lies and misleading statements and will listen enthusiastically to the next lot of lies and misleading statements. Jim might be done apologising, but that certainly doesn’t mean that the public has forgiven him and the rest of his unapologetic elves and dwarves.

A sign that considerably more apologising and crawling will have to be done by Labour came in the latest Scottish opinion poll, fieldwork for which came after Jim was crowed about and crowned. The headline figures can be summarised as : Labour’s going to get a kicking that will make the massed ranks of the Can Can dancers at the Moulin Rouge look like they’re wearing shackles. Labour is going to get kicked from Caithness all the way to Jim’s holy Celtic park and from there to Galloway, then back again. Done apologising? If they had any sense they’d know they’ve not even started – but then when did Labour in Scotland ever have any sense? A sense of entitlement, certainly, common sense, not a bit of it.

In a statement that’s going to come back to haunt him, Mr Hi Jumpy keeps repeating his assertion that Labour won’t lose a single seat to the SNP in the Westminster General Election due in May. He’s almost certainly going to be proven right, Labour won’t lose a single seat to the SNP, it looks set to lose dozens.

But undaunted, Mr Hi Jumpy claims, “[Labour’s opponents] have got to work out how they deal with the argument we’re going to make, which is you can protest against Cameron by voting for the Greens or the Nats, but you can only replace him with one party.”

Well that’s easy isn’t it – we’ll deal with the argument by pointing out that how Scotland votes can’t replace the Tories anyway, as 50 useless Labour MPs have proven repeatedly. If voters in England want a Tory government, they’ll get a Tory government. But in Scotland we can vote SNP or Green and get MPs who won’t support Tory austerity policies and who will not go into coalition with or support the Tories at Westminster. MPs who will vote for what is in the best interests of Scotland. 50 Magrit Currans and Jim Murphies voting for austerity policies and what’s good for the banks – or 50 MPs working for Scotland and Scotland’s interests? Hardly a difficult choice, is it.

Mr Hi Jumpy’s for the high jump.

Well I’m still waiting to hear from The National …  would be a lovely Christmas present to get a weekly column in the paper.  I might have to start annoying them …


54 comments on “Mr Hi Jumpy and the high jump

  1. […] Mr Hi Jumpy and the high jump […]

  2. WRH2 says:

    Never mind “thinking about annoying them” just pester the National until they give you a column. Do they realise I’m waiting for this news before I commit to buying the National every day or signing up to online reading? They could vastly increase their readership just by having a Wee Ginger Dug column.

    • diabloandco says:

      me too!
      I have a cynical view of the National .Let’s face it, it could have fairly aired the independence debate for three years had it been committed enough to exist. To be born after the referendum makes me wonder if the Herald was losing readers and money at an embarrassing level and the owners have allowed a sticking plaster to cover the gaping wound.
      With Paul in full , salaried flow , my cynicism would abate considerably.

      • Elaine gillies says:

        I completely agree with you. I can’t bring myself to buy it. No voters still buying the unionist papers, Yes voters buying the National…how does that take us forward. The Herald are opportunists and I’m afraid I’m not buying into it.

        • Andrew Mott says:

          The point is that it’s a positive headline on the news stand, and hopefully before too long, on the TV newspaper review segments.

    • Ruth Laird says:

      That is exactly how I feel too!

      • bowanarrow says:

        I have never really trusted them. I tried to give them a fair read, but, I don’t see them reporting anything near the truth. You cant say that they have not had the opportunity to prove they really are a different voice in the newspaper market but it is looking more and more like it is just another money spinner. Sorry to say.

  3. Keep up the good work, Jim Murphy charm masks the failure of Labour for Scots and no amount of media manipulation will disguise their previous administration disasters

  4. jimnarlene says:

    “Mr Hi Jumpy”, brilliant, looks as though he’ll be getting the high jump.

    Good luck on the employment front.

  5. Brian Fleming says:

    That crossword clue is a piece of pure genius. ‘deluded Mr Hi Jumpy is very confused (3, 6)’.

  6. jdman says:

    A swift kick in the Gorbals
    that’s what he needs!

  7. Steve Bowers says:

    Brilliant as usual Paul, good luck with the National and have as happy a xmas as you can manage. I hope it’s not too sad for you. S

  8. Iain Hill says:

    Give him a column. It would guarantee ou another reader.

  9. scotsgeoff says:

    Come on The National; if you are serious you NEED Paul!

    If Carlsberg did political blogs WGD would be probably the best in the world.

  10. John Kerr says:

    Annoy the life out of the National until they give you that column. You would be a great asset to them. Meantime, please set up a Crowd-funding, or get someone who knows better than me to do it for you and I’ll chip in – as will many of your faithful readers. I send some money each month by standing order to Wings. If you are happy for any of us to do this just let us know and we will p.m. you at your email address to arrange this.
    Hope you have a good Christmas, we know this will be a difficult time. Also wishing you a fabulous New Year when it comes.
    John and Robert.

  11. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    A Season’s best, this one.

  12. He-hawed aw the way through. Brilliant and if Murphy has any sense he would be leading the rest of the Lemmings, oops Liebour party off the nearest cliff or Arthur’s Seat. Oh wait a minute he already is! Would be great to see you in the National. Those that have followed you will love to share you with those that have never experienced your insightful wit. Many thanks. Best wishes for a brighter 2015 for our beloved Scotland

  13. Jim Arnott says:

    Paul, your writing brightens up my day each time you post. Now get off your arse and find someone to set up Crowd-funding to support you. I for one would support a monthly donation as well. Just think of the possibilities. 500 friends/supporters donating a tenner and you’ve got five grand to be getting on with.

  14. johnmcgurk66 says:

    Paul just brilliant you have set me up for the rest of the day , I do not give a shit about the rain today You have put a big smile on my face .

  15. Wee jock poo-pong mcplop says:

    +1 on the crowd funding idea. A litlte dosh regularly from each of us in exchange for a column both witty and informative…not a bad deal at all.

  16. Lynne says:

    Agreed..if the National won’t have you I’ll happily chuck in a tenner or more to crowd fund your continued existence. Life would be poorer without the WGD!

  17. diabloandco says:

    Crowd fund but remember those of us with a nervous disposition with regard to. putting details on the web and give us a cheque address

  18. arthur thomson says:

    Thank you as always Paul. I too am up for crowd funding and like everyone else would like even more to see your talents being shared by a much wider audience. All the best for Christmas and the New Year.

  19. Red Squirrel says:

    We would happily crowd fund you – we love reading WGD. No pressure but more please!
    Wishing you & Ginger a happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

  20. I suspect the real function of “The National” is to impede the growth of our own indigenous Scottish national media, WGD included.

  21. annelawrie says:

    Got my paper copy of iScot yesterday. It’s a quality magazine, and I’m delighted to see your article. Are you going to be a regular contributor?

  22. Lollysmum says:

    Brilliant as always Paul. Crowdfund? Count me in too. You’re worth it for the smile you put on reader’s faces. Keep up the good work & get that crowdfund done-there you go, New Year’s Resolution for you. We will respond-have faith!

  23. Calgacus says:

    Hi, the National if you are reading this and you should be, give WGD a job or I won’t be buying your lukewarm apology of a Nationalist paper anymore

  24. Gavin Barrie says:

    The National: for two years “we” complained about press bias against independence, and belatedly the Sunday Herald opted to side with Yes. Its editor then placed a proposal to the owners that a pro-Indy daily could be viable commercially. He was given a trial run of a week only. That suggests to me an editor with some spunk. So we now have pro-Indy daily and Sundays newspapers. Why oh why are some of you skeptical? have you read the National? Read yesterday’s truly excellent article by Carolyn Lecke?

    Paul would be an asset to the National. Paul should consider sending this article to the National, maybe with just a little sprinkling of Bearsden/Morningside vernacular, so as not to scare.

  25. Clootie says:

    Thank you😀

  26. Janet says:

    So why are public bodies such as health boards and Lothian Buses permitted to distribute political propaganda in the form of the Metro? After all, this is just a tamed Daily Mail. It hides behind an official editorial line of political impartiality but in reality it serves to skew mass opinion. Ask how many Labour timeservers sit on the committees of public bodies…fancy submitting a few FoI requests anyone?

  27. Robert alexander says:

    I hope you get a column in the National soon,you certainly would sell more copies. Good luck to you.

  28. Mibee,s the posters on here & WOS & other Indy site,s will put pen to paper on your behalf & contact the National,cmon lads n lasses E mail / Write Paul needs a job.

  29. A Meringue says:

    Excellent Christmas message from the Wee Ginger Dug to Mr Hi Jumpy. I look forward to the Easter message when we get to the bit about crucifiction.

    As for the National we can’t spend two years bemoaning the unionist bias in the press and then not support a pro independence newspaper when one comes along. Thats plain daft! (I buy a copy a couple of times per week when I’m in the supermarket and I make a point of passing it on)

  30. macart763 says:

    Superb Paul.

    A very merry Christmas folks and a very good new year. Roll on May.🙂

  31. Maureen says:

    Count me and mine in, regarding crowd funding. Paul you are brilliant. It makes my day reading wgd. May all have a great Christmas. Please Santa, give The National some brains, as giving Paul a job would benefit the paper’s sales.

  32. Brilliant as usual! I laughed my way through the entire piece!
    There’s an online petition to get you a column on the National doing the rounds on Facebook – signed it a few days ago!

  33. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    This is a copy of an e-mail I sent to Richard Walker the Sun Herald and The National Editor in October suggesting WGD as a columnist.

    I never received a reply.

    Dated 07/10/2014

    Dear Mr Walker,

    Assuming this e-mail convention works, you receive this and read it may I borrow some of your time, and pay for it indirectly,

    I have followed the Sunday Herald’s sea change in political direction from here in SW France. So much am I supportive of that, I now purchase an electronic copy every Sunday.

    My guess is that your sales have risen recently and I think by more than fifty percent. A Scottish record?

    All newspapers seem to be more under pressures than they were decades and I do not wish to tell my Granny how to suck eggs. But, and there is always a but, careful reading of the runes will give the seer a better chance of surviving than the others. This you have already done by spotting one gigantic under represented market niche and filling it.

    Can I suggest that you advance into this niche and try to hook into the Blogosphere or at least piggy back on it, rather than let it take from you?

    There is a superb political essayist whose work deserves professional diffusion. He lives in the Blogosphere. His polemic for independence attracts many readers both male and female.

    His wit is razor sharp and rib tickling. His debunking of the unionist position is scalpel like.

    He could attract readers to the Sunday Herald and thus your increase sales even more.

    His name is Paul Kavanagh and if you, by chance, have never read any of his posts I have cut and pasted his latest.


    Garden gnomes and koalas

    Oct6 by weegingerdug


    link to the above article with comments

    Yours faithfully


  34. Gavin Barrie says:

    And another thing: Murphy – we had a visit from him to our town – an insidious creep. He is our enemy, the National and the Sunday Herald are our means to counteract him, the MSM and the BBC.

    We have the means to create real history, ranking with Wallace and Bruce. Tales and history lessons our descendants will study. Cheated and lied to in the Referendum, we regrouped and returned to the field stronger and wiser. We know now our opponents talk of honour but lie and cheat. We have seen off their prominent “knights” – Brown, Darling, who have slunk away in shame to their counting houses.

  35. Laura Norder says:

    You’re a funny wee ginger dug. Born under a disco ball? Surely that’s reserved for fabulous people? Signed petition, will donate to crowd fund, etc x

  36. Maria Sheridan says:

    Brilliant, as always, Paul. I wonder who the new Asst Editor of The National will be and whether the decision to recruit columnists will be within their remit? If they have insight and a finger on the pulse of Yes Movement she or he could hardly fail to offer you a regular slot. If not, then I would have to question their judgement.

  37. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Thanks for this Paul. I hope you have a nice Christmas.
    I am so glad to hear that you will have a regular column in iScot as I just subscribed to it the other day.
    Whatever happened to the petition I signed to get you in the National?

  38. John Thomson says:

    Bril pester away until your heart is content only a matter of time before they realise what a star you are. Mr Hi Jumpy where did you dream that one up absolutely brilliant and suits him down to a tee

  39. mo Mhorag says:

    I also signed that petition on Change. Org.
    Filled in a questionnaire from the National recently and commented – would like to see regular articles by Paul Kavanaugh alias the Wee Ginger Dug.
    Mr High Jumpy – brilliant!
    Have a peaceful Christmas Paul x

  40. diabloandco says:

    I forgot to add my thanks for all you have done to keep us informed , in laughter and in tears !
    Have a merry Christmas and may 2015 bring you the job that you want and the job that wants you just as you are!

  41. morvenm2014 says:

    Merry Christmas to WGD and all his readers xx.

  42. Morag Frame says:

    Barking at yer best wgd! a’keep buying the National tae see when yer published?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s