Running down Shettleston Road naked with a red rose up my bum

I’ve come over all Labour party this week, scabby, lazy, and only interested in my own comfort.  I’ve got an excuse – my psoriasis has flared up again – but the Labour party’s condition is terminal.  I decided we need to make labourparty a word – it describes self-absorbed selfish people who only do what suits themselves but who hypocritically make out that what suits them just so happens to be in the interests of everyone else and we ought to be grateful to them.  But then I remembered there’s already a word for that – and that word is jimmurphy.

I’ve been asked to do some public speaking and campaigning during the run up to the General Election.  A friend who’s involved with the SNP branch in Glasgow East has asked me to give a few speeches in support of their candidate – who has yet to be selected.  Glasgow East is where I live and while I’m not an SNP member, it’s only the SNP which has any chance of taking the seat from the inbumbent – no that’s not a typo – the fragrant Magrit Curran (she reeks of complacency and entitlement).  An imbumbent is a careerist seat-warmer, in case you were wondering.  I’m not that keen on public speaking, but I agreed, because if it would help to separate Magrit from her expenses claims I’d run down Shettleston Road naked with a red rose up my bum while towing a life sized cardboard effigy of Jim Murphy and asking everyone I pass the only question of any relevance about the Smugurph – battery or free range?

My friend said she thought it might be wiser if I did a wee speech instead though.

Another Labour imbumbent is Frank Doran, MP for Aiberdeen North, or at least for the men.  Frank is a byword for pomposity and entitlement, having pissed off the staff of the House of Commons some years ago when a committee he chaired ruled that MPs have the right to jump the queue in the canteen.  Scottish Labour MPs are busy and important people, those expenses forms take ages to fill in you know.

Frank’s in a spot of bother after he said in the Commons that the post of Fisheries Minister was not a job for a woman.  He was clearly confused by the meaning of the feminist slogan: a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.  Mind you, a Scottish Westminster constituency without a Labour MP is like an intestine without a tapeworm.  Anyway, in a botched attempt to get his foot out of his gob, Frank claimed that his remark wasn’t sexist because he “knows the fishing industry” – so in other words it’s the people who work in the fishing industry who are the sexist neanderthals, not him.  Frank’s not sexist, he just thinks his constituents are.  Well saved there then Frankie boy.  Perhaps he could discuss it with the Norwegian Minister for Fisheries, Elisabeth Aspaker.

Of course the duties of the Fisheries Minister are not solely concerned with representing men on boats, the minister represents the entire fishing industry.  There are many jobs within the industry which were traditionally filled by women – like filletting and gutting fish, shellfish, and molluscs like the Labour MP for Aiberdeen North.

But of course the big imbumbent news is the election of the Smugurph and Keezha the Daily Mail’s Overcoat Pin Up as branch manager and deputy branch manager.  Jim got 55.77% according to a press release which conveniently neglects to tell us what he got 55.77% of.  In Labour’s Byzantine system of voting where some people get three votes, this is by no means clear.  55.77% of apologists for Tony Blair?  55.77% of people whose brains have been surgically removed and replaced with a banana mush?

To make things a bit simpler, so that the likes of Magrit Curran or Frank Doran can understand them, it was also reported somewhere or other – I did have a link but the dug ate it – that 60.4% of Labour members voted for the Smugurph.  This is not much better.  60.4% of what number?   When you don’t give a detailed breakdown of total votes cast, you are not reporting on a democratic election, you’re reporting the result of a farce.  60.4% is meaningless unless we’re told what it’s 60.4% of.  But then the Labour party in Scotland has been a meaningless farce for a very long time now, so I suppose it’s appropriate.

So just how many people did actually vote for Jim Murphy?  Labour doesn’t want to tell us.  No detailed breakdown of the votes has been published for the very good reason that it would reveal that the party Jim is leading most probably has fewer members than the number of employees of Scotmid.  Scotmid employs over 5000 people in Scotland – how many active members does Labour have?  This means that Scotmid branch managers are leaders in a bigger and far more influential organisation.

It is clear to everyone that a party only goes to such lengths to hide its membership figures if its membership figures are an embarrassment.  Why else be so coy?  If Labour had enjoyed a massive boost in membership following the referendum campaign that we are told Jim acquited himself and free range hens so well in, the party would have been sure to tell us.  It’s equally an embarrassment that the supine Scottish media does not pursue them on this peculiar omission of information which is vital to the proper functioning of any supposedly democratic election.  But fearlessly investigating how long it takes to turn a Labour press release into published copy by changing the intro and adding a couple of words at the end then accusing the SNP of something – that’s the extent of the investigation that the Scottish media subjects Labour to.  And they think we’re impressed by this.

Labour’s great hope for saving itself from the kicking they’re about to receive for allowing the party to be taken over by right wing Westminster based careerists who are bereft of anything that can be described as a political priniciple is to choose as party branch manager a right wing Westminster based careerist who is bereft of anything that can be described as a political principle.  A careerist who has received the support of an embarrassingly small number of people, the few who have yet to resign in disgust from a party which long ago lost anything that might pass for self-respect and replaced it with Magrit Curran.  But the Smugurph is the darling of the BBC and will be the subject of glowing reports from gushing reporters, and that’s all that matters.


41 comments on “Running down Shettleston Road naked with a red rose up my bum

  1. morag says:

    hello there, just signed up for direct mailings of the blog that cheers without fail. Here’s a wee smile for you. best wishes Morag

  2. Yes, and that is our real problem Paul. It matters very little who the Labour Party elected, they will still be made out to be the “greatest thing since sliced bread” by the M.S.M, led by their cheerleader, the B.B.C.

  3. Thepnr says:

    So, all is revealed. Jim Murphy will lead what is left of the Labour party in Scotland to the promised land. Victory of course in 2015 and 2016.

    You don’t believe me, do you? Neither does Jim Murphy, he wishes he wasn’t handed this gig but had no choice other than to take it.

    Many more will leave the Labour party after this anointment. Those that he will lead are the wasters and rump of the party, the rest if sensible will bail out now.

  4. A Meringue says:

    Disappointed that you are not in fact running down Shettleston road naked with a red rose up your bum. Some folks including myself would have paid good money to see that!

    Meanwhile the Lalland Peat Worrier made me laugh with his tweet regarding big bad mad mental Murphs election “Portents of doom in Glasgow this morning. The veil of the semmit was rent in twain. Weasels trod the streets. The dead walk, and cast votes.”

    • macart763 says:

      It is Christmas and we were due a pressie or two. 🙂

      • A Meringue says:

        Time to get your baubles out Mac!

        Talking of which I have resurrected my Yesmas tree this year.A bog standard artificial job but all the tinsel, baubles and lights are exclusively blue and white, looks cool. Best bit is that it annoys the crap out of the bluenosed nawbags across the street. Ho Ho Ho merry christmas.

        • macart763 says:

          Got all ma badges (including yours), on a wee Chrissy display in the bedroom.

          Helps me sleep well. 😀

          We’re still on the side of angels and its that time of year.

  5. cearc says:

    I canvassed my hens and they all assured me that any self-respecting hen confronted by Murphy would be straight off into the woods. Only battery hens that had lost the will to live would hang around.

    Oh, and stop scratching! (that’s you, Paul not the hens.

  6. rya says:

    Falkirk. The idea that a few hastily enrolled people could hold the balance in a candidate selection told us everything we needed to know about the numbers of Labour members in Scotland. They’ve been at it for years, packing rooms with acolytes and dynasties. How did Michael & Siobhan McMahon vote in the leadership election? No surprise that they voted identically and they voted for the winner, ie the person who will make sure, Murphy willing, that they stay where they are.

    The SNP faces a different challenge, one that the media will start running a bit faster with soon. I was at a local branch meeting when nominations for the constituency candidate were being sought. Despite being a member since 2010, this was my first ever branch meeting (I’m not a committee-type person). It was clear that there were good, young, keen members who wanted to blood themselves as nominees, but also one local councillor who I rate highly. There was also a new party member who had been prominent and effective in the Yes campaign, in a non party role.

    I only hope that new members make the right choice for the right reasons, whatever “right reasons” means 😉

    • A Meringue says:

      Michael McMahon is my MSP. His majority at the last Holyrood election was about 700.

      “Taxi for McMahon” 🙂

  7. Good luck with the public speaking, it will be brilliant to get Curran out.

    The gushing love-in of the Murph on the BBC today is a further reminder that they are no longer fit for purpose as the state broadcast ‘service’ in Scotland. The shift to the right the Murph’s election represents, at least deserves a mention.

    Murph voted for war in Iraq and against the proposed enquiry.
    Murph screwed his expenses which was, in effect, the theft of public money.
    Murph has been guilty of some shocking anti – Palestinian rhetoric.
    Murph is a founder member and current vice president of the neo-con think tank, the Henry Jackson Society ( which refuses to condemn torture ).

    There are still a lamentable number of decent people sticking with the Labour Party. Surely the election of this right wing, careerist, warmongering, apologist for the CIA, to the role of Scottish Branch Manager is the last straw for them.

    I look forward to May and watching the Murph try to put a positive spin on the certain electoral collapse that awaits them.

    • Capella says:

      Excellent points. No decent person could vote for Murphy if they are aware of that history – even if they do live in East Renfrewshire. Westminster will try to keep a lid on the rendition issue. Our job will be to get the information out there bypassing the MSM on the way. Looking forward to WGD’s starring role in the campaign!

    • Archie says:

      Gordon Brewer and Jim Murphy seem to be best buddies… not that surprising I suppose.

  8. handclapping says:

    You have got to admire the brass neck of the Slabbers criticising Nicola’s “annointment” by self selected hordes of SNP when we, the 73% of voters who don’t support Slab, have been subject to the coverage the BBC normally gives to Jubilees, State funerals and coronations.

    One night in the 12,000 Hydro versus every News on BBC for a month. Well done Jim, your media-savvy 100 days paid off.

  9. seanair says:

    It would be interesting to get a FOI answer from the Scottish Labour Party on who voted for the smurph.
    But wait a minute, there is no such organisation as the Scottish Labour Party so who would you ask for the information?
    In the interests of democracy and transparency however I’m sure the smurph will be willing to supply the necessary information.

  10. Steve Asaneilean says:

    It really says it all that Labour won’t give us the number of Scottish members it has. One can only assume it might be less than the 12, 000 guesstimate which means that if every member went to the Hydro to see Jim and Kez in action they still couldn’t match the numbers who attended Nicola’s soiree. What more do you need to know?
    Labour is just another part of the long-established machine designed to protect the interests of the aristocracy, the noveau rich and the finance, business and media barons. They put the interests of everyone else – us – a very poor second on the list.

  11. Jan Cowan says:

    Imagine being an MSP and having to listen to Murphy’s dreary voice day after day. They’ll deserve a pay rise for that alone. Either that or he’ll empty the chamber.(No sleeping as in the HoL.)
    Good to know you’ve agreed to entertain and convert during the run-up to the GE in May. You’ll do well. Magrit must be gnashing her white teeth.

    Hope that clever wee Ginger is OK and settled in his new home.

  12. The still unanswered question in all this is “Who is going to give up their pension so that Murphy can get into Holyrood.” The List is not what the leader of any party should have to go for….

    BTW I thought that 55.7% was a figure reserved for Bitter Together…?

  13. Dinna_fash says:

    BBC quoted 14,000 members in Slab this afternoon.

  14. aitchbee says:

    Can anyone explain to me why Kezia Dugdale is regarded as the best and brightest new talent that Labour (Scottish branch) has? I can only go by what I saw in the referendum and her (sub-Katie Hopkins) articles on the Daily Record, and I can’t say I was impressed.

  15. johnmcgurk66 says:

    I think Jim murphy is the right man for the job any one with a brain at all will clearly understand what a state the labour party in Scotland is in .This guy has more twists than a snake.

  16. arthur thomson says:

    was delighted to find your post in my inbox Paul. Thank you,

  17. MoJo says:

    so glad you are back to celebrate this auspicious day with the invective that it deserves – Labour in Scotland are certainly going down in history and for all the wrong reasons
    I cannot believe that I campaigned for that man Doran to unseat a Tory in Aberdeen all those years ago when Labour were still a credible and well organised party which could be clearly distinguished from the Tories…..mind you that was before Tony Blair got into power and the rot set in……

  18. Muscleguy says:

    Over on one of the Grauniad Murphy anointing articles with comments someone said they had voted for Murphy with the express intention of helping SLAB on the way to their grave. I do so hope there was a whole slew of such people in that election.

  19. Alasdair Macdonald says:

    A witty and scatological piece, Small Rubicund Canine. However, I think we need to bear in mind that Mr Murphy is a formidable campaigner, who will get full and uncritical coverage in all of the print and broadcast media, except the Sunday Herald and the National. We can also expect much more emphasis on the thuggish conduct of opponents, as we saw with the egging. Anyone who was President of the NUS, knows every low political tactic in the book. He will not try to win over YES voters. He will make his pitch at those who voted NO and stoke their prejudices I had lunch with a couple of former colleagues on Friday – well-informed, decent, fair-minded people – who were NO voters and who live in the massive NO turnout areas of East Renfrewshire and East Dunbartonshire. people from the affluent areas of Scotland turned out in unprecedentedly high numbers to protect what they saw as their country. They were looking forward to Mr Murphy’s election and saw him as a doughty fighter who took on the independence supporters despite the harassment he experienced. Although SNP and Greens are very buoyant in polls at present, a lot can happen and will happen in the election run-up. And, with FPTP, it is quite difficult to unseat incumbents at a general election and most Labour MPs have significant majorities. It is important not to assume there will be a mass rejection of Labour. To unseat Labour, there will have to be a big turnout AND offensive remarks aimed at Mr Murphy, Mrs Curran, Ms Dugdale, et al will not cause NO voters to change their minds. Many former Labour voters might well be susceptible to the ‘one more heave’ argument. Let us campaign cannily and avoid nastiness. We are mere amateurs beside the public school educated and the class warriors of the Mail, Express, Telegraph, Times, etc.

    • clashcityrocker says:

      Alasdair, I hear what you say, and I too am cautious. However, I do think that at least some of the 55 will feel that they already had their “one last heave” on September 18th, and will feel disenchanted by Smith, and even further disenchanted by the events of today.

      • Alasdair Macdonald says:

        Clashcityrocker, I think you are right to be cautious and I hope you are tight that 18 September was the sunset of the “last heave”. We just need to keep the heid and keep our eyes on the prize.

    • jdman says:

      I agree with every word as shown by my post on Wings in response to a request to Craig Murray (by wingers)to stand as SNP candidate in East Renfrewshire.

    • gordonkennedy9 says:

      We do need to get pertinent information into the public domain. For example the granny heckler’s alleged membership of the Henry Jackson Society.

  20. I hope you get better soon. Good luck in getting rid of Glasgow`s answer to
    Cruella de Vil.
    As always, Mr Kavanagh, I enjoyed your post.

  21. imacg says:

    Brilliant man, keep em coming, it is good to laugh and it is totally laughable..

  22. Pam McMahon says:

    I wish somebody would kindly tell me why the Labour party in Scotland has elected a man who sat in the cabinet of the Labour party government at a time when they were complicit in receiving “intelligence” from CIA torture, and sacked Craig Murray when he tried to disclose this?
    He knew about this, but did not disclose his complicity to the people who just elected him.
    I hope Craig Murray stands and wins in E Renfrewshire. Ultimate hubris.

  23. Political Tourist says:

    Less than six months to the GE.
    Can we seriously manage to unseat Maggie C in Glasgow East?
    2 leaflets from her since September,
    “we’re listening”.
    Btw, Murphy vote was in the Emirates Stadium next to Celtic Park.
    Less than 10% of trade unionists voted.
    Wonder why.

  24. Whitburnsfinest says:

    Paul, we need to have words. I read the title of this post and thought ‘well, that’s good that he’s got plans for the weekend!’ Then I kept reading and was forced to calm down. Damnit.

    Heh, anyone else think that Frank’s not-sexism is a bit like ‘I’m not racist, I know a black person!’

    Also, let me know when and where you’re speaking and I’ll turn up in my official capacity as WGD Groupie 😀

  25. kat hamilton says:

    murphy is the consumate pro, knows every tactic, distortion and outright falsehoods..his whole demeanor is unsettling. felt sorry if its possible that is, for neil findlay..seemed nice enough guy and had cnd credentials to his credit, but wastemonster would never let his type progress. machine politics is all that matters. blood ran cold when he mentioned ambitions of being first minster…suggestions, ideas please to halt this wannabee..

  26. […] made to the Scottish electorate. The Scottish people are ready to bite the Establishment on the bum, and yet, yet again with a mind numbing arrogance, the English politicians are not taking the […]

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