Alicsammin’s part in Alan Cochrane’s downfall

How many Alan Cochranes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  He doesn’t have to, he just holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him.  Alan has a very high conceit of himself, and indeed the man is remarkable as the field of journalism is indeed crowded with exceedingly large egos balanced precariously upon very little talent.  Competing against contenders like Piers Morgan and Kelvin Mackenzie, the Telegraph’s Scottish editor easily wins the prize for inflating oneself greater than a whoopee cushion designed for an elephantine backside, a feat previously managed only by Gordie Broon.  Never in the history of newspaper opinionists has such a small mind occupied such a big head.

Alan’s just published his memoirs, coming to a remainder bin near you very soon.  To save you the bother of reading them, they essentially boil down to the claim that anyone who’s anyone in Scottish Unionist politics, or UK politics, or the Pope, never does anything without first consulting Alan and benefitting from his words of wisdom.  For yeah verily, seekers of union look unto the cockring, the sayer of sooths and the fount of all that is good and true,or at least Ruth Davidson.  And this is why the Unionist parties are doing so terribly well these days in the affections of the Scottish electorate.  No really. Alan said so.

Having won the referendum, mostly by making desperate last minute promises of vague and unspecified devomaxiness, the holiest prediction of the gaping cockring has perplexingly failed to come to pass.  Alicsammin remains resolutely undownfallen.  However much the cockring throws himself likes hoops in a fairground side show, the bobbing ducks of alicsammin just keep dodging the devastation that is wrought in the pages of a Tory newspaper that no one reads outside of the Morningside Endangered Species Reservation for David Mundells and Abseilers.  Alan can’t understand why this should be, when all the really important people hang onto his every word like unpleasant berries on a bottom.   Yet the plebby people with clean shiny bums continue to ignore him.

Far from downfalling, the Alicsammin promises to continue to be a trapped bawhair in the cockring for quite some time to come.  It’s a passion killer for any warring couples thinking of conjugating in a loveless union, a guarantee of eventual divorce which is even more effective than waking up of a morning and having to look at Alan’s mug.  In what was the perhaps the worst kept secret in Scottish politics since it was revealed that the Labour party isn’t socialist after all, Alicsammin has announced that he’s going to stand for the Westminster Parlie at the next General Election.

So we’ve now been told officially that the lubricant for the cockring’s outpourings is going to thrust himself into the seat of Gordon.  Which is a sentence you wouldn’t otherwise get to read outside a gay porn mag.  Sadly Alicsammin is not going to stand for election as the new MP for Kirkcaldy which is an immense pity because it would be so funny and dripping with ironic karma that no would be satirist would have to think of anything smart arsed to say for several months.  All you’d have to do would be to say “Kirkcaldy”, and guffaw.   Alicsammin is instead going to stand for the constituency of Gordon in Aberdeenshire, whose current MP, Malcolm Bruce, is a Lib Dem who’s retiring citing extreme old age and decreptitude.  And he’s still only a third as old as Ming Campbell and with considerably less dry rot.

Malcolm Bruce’s would be Lib Dem successor, Christine Jardine, is fair beelin that the Alicsammin is blythely wandering in to shove her political career even further into oblivion than Danny Alexander’s.   Ms Jardine does not appear to be an avid devotee of Twitter, but on her Twitter feed the vast majority of her tweets or retweets have been attacks on the SNP, or Alicsammin, or Wings Over Scotland and / or its readers rather than any positive comments on what she or her party might have done.  Although to be fair that runs the risk of reminding people that Danny Alexander exists.   Instead Ms Jardine has gone full out for the Labour strategy of being unable to open their gob without criticising the SNP about something.   She is perhaps hoping that voters might mistake her for Magrit Curran, although it truly is a sign of the deep and indeed hopeless desperation of the Lib Dems that Magrit has become something to aspire to.

Not that things look any better for Labour.  Magrit Curran’s latest master stroke is to give a speech to a bunch of Labour hacks during which she will attack the SNP for not being progressive enough.  Because Labour have used this tactic before and it’s been working out so well for them.  In case you were wondering, “progressive” apparently means : supporting the Iraq war, bailing out banks with public money, creating a culture of poorly paid casual jobs in which low pay and big employers are subsidised while the poor are penalised, privatisation, PPI, ATOS contracts, sooking up to defence contractors and schmoozing with nuclear weapons, and being in favour of even fewer powers being devolved to Holyrood than the Conservatives are willing to countenance.  So that’s progressive in the sense of progressing ever closer to the definition of “Tory”.

The opinion polls continue to look dire for all the Unionist parties.  With every new Scottish poll, the outlook is bleaker.  It’s highly probable that Alicsammin will be the new MP for Gordon, and it’s highly probable that the SNP will take a majority of Scottish seats.  They may very well end up with more seats than the despised Lib Dems, who are about to receive a kicking south of the Border commensurate only with the kicking they are about to receive north of it.  And that could see whoever wants to form the next government of the UK – we’re looking at you, Eds Miliband and Balls – being dependent upon the goodwill and grace of Alicsammin.  There’s that ironic karma again.

It’s highly probable that Alan Cochrane will live to see the Tory party, the Labour party, and the Lib Dems reduced to electoral insignificance and Alicsammin will achieve his goal of Scottish independence – not because it is the expressed and settled will of the Scottish people, but because all those Unionist party elites whom Alan fondly believes hang on to his every word are short termist idiots following moronic advice from whoopee cushions with beards.  Still, at least he can commiserate with Alistair Darling over a lovely home made lasagne.


45 comments on “Alicsammin’s part in Alan Cochrane’s downfall

  1. Eric Abercrombie says:

    Thank you for that. Smug, ignorant toadies like Cochrane need every reminder possible that some of us live in the real world.

  2. […] Alicsammin’s part in Alan Cochrane’s downfall […]

  3. daibhidhdeux says:

    I wonder what Cochrane will do with himself should the SNP romp the next UK General Election?

    Him, Brian Wilson, Murphy, Curran, and the whole shootin’ match of bile spewing, blood and soil, neo-Thatcherite British Nationalists? De-camp en masse to Mother Albion there to foam and plot a coup and snipe sans the elan of the Irish BritNat, Conor Cruise O’Brien?

    The problem may be that Mother Albion may not want them, and may cast them from her perfidious teats to mewl and bawl where (?) given their subaltern isolationism and copy-cat British chauvinism.

    Will they wander the earth like the White Russians seeking succour from other reactionary regimes after the Tsar fell; or, do the contemporary variation of finding sinecured positions at establishment-oriented NGOs and Neo-Con institutions as per Broon and Darling, yet?

    However, this option may also prove to be problematic given their pipsqueak status in the greater scheme of things – hell mend them, then, if their final destination turns out to be an historically-reviled, Toom Tabard-like oblivion and dependency on the associated kind of mass food-bank poverty they have helped to create and foist on folk.

    I trust that the settled will of the people of Scotland will be to ensure that the coming festive season will be this cabal’s last one good-time troughing inside the anti-democratic piggery that is Westminster and its slurry-filled offshoots throughout these islands.

  4. punklin says:

    Your best yet! Thank you.

  5. Kenzie says:

    An excellent piece, as usual, but I can’t see beyond the fact that if the SNP does well at the next GE and holds the balance of power at WM, Labour will form a coalition with the Tories, so deep-seated is their hatred of the SNP. Irrational, I know, but when was the Labour Party ever noted for its common sense?

  6. jimnarlene says:

    I need to gouge my minds eye out now, a few mental pictures that I could do without.
    Great post.

  7. That Lab-Tory coalition would surely be the last foam flecked death convulsion of both parties in Scotland. No need to even consider the Limp Dems who would be limited to drifting about like the last whisps of one of Charlie Kennedy’s beer farts.

    • Kenzie says:

      Indeed, that may well be the case, but consider the wholesale damage they could wreak before they collapse in a putrid heap.

      • Keith Hynd says:

        Frightening prospect although I have mused over a Con/Lab pact before, I came to the ominous conclusion that the unionists would burn everything just to be king of the ashes (game of thrones) 😉

    • yesguy says:

      fantastic piece Paul.

      Always leave with a smile . Thank you. 🙂


      A lab/con coalition would be the end of the union. No amount of spin would change the fact that Labour ARE torys in disguise

      Who won the ref again……?


  8. Sharon Gathercole says:

    Funny stuff for a grim Sunday morning.
    Incidentally, living in Broon’s constituency, I would have peed my pants with excitement if Alicsammin had stood for the snp here! Wish he had.
    Thankyou WGD for cheering me up once again:)

    • Keith Hynd says:

      Broon steps doon Rowley takes his place and Smugmurphy has the cowdenbeath seat to sit in all wrapped up with a red white and blue bow. Shivers doon the spine yet?

  9. diabloandco says:

    You’d think I would have learned by now not to be eating or drinking while reading WGD but I am a sad , slow learner.
    You do realise you may cause the early demise of slow folk like myself?
    And that would reduce the YES vote!

  10. hektorsmum says:

    Oh I am glad I came back and read that all again. Please pretty please Mr Cockers and your so lovely (gag) wife, Please come and read what Paul thinks of you and please also do not limit yourself to the piece, but find out how much you are cared and loved by those you abused. I have to say you make his sound so delightful Paul, fun even, the evil little toad and his equally toad like wife.

  11. Robert Louis says:

    Often see Cockers around Edinburgh. Last year saw him strutting doon the High Street, and I thought to myself, ‘all he’s missing is some white gloves, a bowler hat, and a collarette’.

    No doubt he was on his way to single handedly solve the global debt crisis or something. Frankly ridiculous.

  12. handclapping says:

    the Morningside Endangered Species Reservation … beautiful description. Another belter Paul.

    If Alicsammin is going to stand for Kirkcaldy our 1100 members will probably go up 10 fold and we’ll get him in!

  13. Steve Bowers says:

    Stop mucking about Paul and tell us what you really think of Cockers, loved it, cheers

  14. Lollysmum says:

    No one could ever accuse you of mincing your words Paul. Absolutely spot on & well done. This one is a belter-can’t stop laughing because it’s so true.

  15. stevenroy27 says:

    If Cochrane is responsible for the referendum win we should be able to look forward to him falling on his sword and taking sole responsibility for the general election disaster when Alicsammin wipes the floor with the unionists.

  16. Jan Cowan says:

    Horribly dreich day – wintry shower after wintry shower – but having read your post, Paul, bright and happy now.

  17. I don’t know about anybody else but any time I hear Auld Cochers I think of this.

  18. johnmcgurk66 says:

    Well done Paul , I really enjoyed your blog , I think the yes and the no camps can and should be able to come together for the good of all the people in Scotland. First of all it was the oil now its fracking TTIP. Its time the people in Scotland woke up and took their future in to their own hands
    lets step out of the shadow of Westminster get off our bloody knees and take pride in who we are .

  19. Capella says:

    He really did call his book “Alex Salmond: My Part in His Downfall” !
    He should look up the word “hubris”.
    “Hubris is not the requital of past injuries—that is revenge. As for the pleasure in hubris, its cause is the following: People think that by ill-treating others they make their own superiority the greater.”

    He’ll be looking forward to Alex arriving in Westminster.!

  20. James Coleman says:

    You have really picked the bones out of Cocky (henceforth to be called the Cockring) with that piece. Your joke:

    “How many Alan Cochranes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? He doesn’t have to, he just holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him.”

    describes very aptly the deluded madness of the Cockring, the ‘journalist’ with a circulation of 15,000 in Scotland, most of which are giveaways, or English transients passing through, or natives who are as deluded as the Cockring

  21. Susan says:

    Cockring is missing embarrassement gene. 😀

  22. Gie that man a cigar! Right on the money, IMHO. God, your good.

  23. J. Galt says:

    Cockers looks as though he might enjoy the odd wee refreshment – after a few snifters would that make him a tight cockring?

  24. Laura Anne Gibson says:

    Wait, This Cochrane person thinks he’s relevant enough to publish his memoirs?

    I didn’t realise he was into comedy…..

  25. mogabee says:

    Hilarious! Every time he drools on tv from now on Cockring it shall be.😙

  26. “.. devomaxiness…” Love your way with words Paul…..

  27. Valerie says:

    Oh, thank you Wee Ginger, a fitting tribute to he, that be, Cockring. Yes, his bonce is overly large, for the small grey matter that resides therein, but it holds the large reservoir of unmitigated bile, which fuels his fevered ranting on the object of his hatred. How else would he and others of his ilk get up in the morning, if not fuelled by the vitriol they nurse and grow. They lack any imagination, bar bigging themselves up, and Cockring is, truly a legend in his own lunch time.

  28. Noo only if that cockring wuld fit over his heid tae his neck,wan less hack drawin breath.Mair power tae yer pen Paul.

  29. Cag-does-thinking says:

    You are a man inspired Paul. As funny a column as you have done but you might never get a column in the Telegraph after this. Small mind in a big head quote of the year.

  30. Clootie says:

    How many Telegraph journalists does it take to replace a lightbulb?
    A: Three.
    One to report it as an inspired Tory program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical SNP plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Alec Salmond hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

  31. STEVE CAMERON says:

    Wee(kly) Ginger Dug?

  32. Rab Urquhart says:

    Great craic! shnorting and chuckling…

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