The oncoming train

According to the Herald, Jim Murphy has promised that if he wins the election for manager of Labour’s Scottish dead meat counter he’s going to wrest power back from the London office. What he really means of course is that he’ll take what powers he can for himself, because this is Jim Murphy we’re talking about here. Whispering Jim’s ego is inversely proportional to the loudness of his voice. Jim Murphy has a vision for Scotland’s future, it’s a picture of him towering about his tiny little minions – the murphoids. Murphoids are small and narrow minded things that cling to Labour like haemorrhoids, only bloodless and drained of anything red. He fancies himself as a supervillain, but he’s sadly bereft of any superpowers, except the powers to schmooze with interviewers on the BBC, and the power to turn socialist policies into Tory ones.

Demoted from his defence brief in the shadow cabinet after the Brownite faction won the succession struggle and Jim had hitched his horse whispering to Tony Blair’s pony, the Smugurphy’s London career has gone the way of Ed Miliband’s re-election prospects, sidelined and forgotten like mention of the deficit in Ed’s keynote conference speech. The answer to what Jim sees as the greatest political crisis so far this century – the crisis of his own career vanishing more quickly than Magrit Curran being faced with an irate East End voter – is to build himself a new power base in Scotland. He’s done this because he still suffers from the delusion that the Labour party has a power base left in Scotland.

However Jim’s move does raise some interesting questions which he has shown no sign of answering and Andrew whitsisface with the prematurely white hair on the BBC’s excuse for a Scottish politics and news show showed no sign of asking. But that’s what happens when you have to work for Ken McQuarrie – you age unnaturally quickly. People born in the 1970s end up looking like they’re channelling the 1950s, which is where the BBC’s concept of news and current affairs in Scotland has remained stuck like a knob on a black and white telly. Or just a knob.

Anyway, there was a review of Labour policy and procedure carried out after the last time the Scottish electorate kicked the empty suits of Labour in the balls, or rather, kicked them where their balls would be if they possessed any balls in the first place. This was a review carried out by Jim Murphy and Sarah Boyack, both of who are now standing for election as branch office manager. The review set up the office of Leader of Scottish Labour (sic – and sick was rarely more appropriate), and gave us the delights of the lovely Johann Lamont and her radiant smile. We were told at the time that the new leader would have all those powers that Jim Murphy now tells us he’s going to wrest from Labour’s London office.

So how come Jim Murphy is the guy to sort the problems in the Labour party in Scotland, when it was the failure of Jim Murphy’s own review that led to the problems that Labour is currently experiencing? Was this review of Jim’s not implemented then? If not, why not, and who is responsible for not implementing it? No one is asking Jim. Probably because Jim is one of those responsible for not implementing it. Jim never had any intention of allowing a Scottish branch of Labour to have any control at all. He’s only interested in the control he wields himself, and that’s why he’s spent the past six months briefing furiously against Johann and then sanctimoniously saying that the party must stop damaging itself. He’s one of the dinosaurs that Johann complained about in her bitter resignation letter. Getting the Smugurph in to sort the party out is like suffering a brain haemorrhage and deciding to treat it by slashing your wrists and leaping in front of an oncoming train.

The train is coming – there’s no light at the end of Labour’s tunnel, it’s the train. The Caledonian Express is going to plaster the Labour party’s electoral hopes in Scotland all over the tracks like the jam they always promised but never delivered. The train is powered by lies and deceit. It’s driven by the engine of deception, the promises that the Clyde yards would only be safe if Scotland voted No, promises delivered amidst po-faced assertions that the Royal Navy would never commission ships from a foreign land. And now the post-referendum reality where the MoD has admitted that it is considering pulling the Clyde contracts and buying French ships instead. The head of angry steam is building. It’s going to explode in a shower of votes in May next year.

A new UK wide poll from IPSOS Mori has shown that the SNP is on 8% – that’s 8% across the entire UK – just 1% behind the UK polling figure for the Lib Dems. There’s some serious rounding issues going on there, because the SNP only stand in Scotland and Scotland makes up just 8.5% of the UK electorate. A more detailed breakdown of the figures shows that in Scotland, the SNP has the support of 59% of voters against – wait for it – just 14% who back the murphoids. That would annihilate Labour in Scotland, and not even the blindly loyal Labour voters of Coatbridge would be left to them. If this latest poll is accurate – and it’s not wildly out of line with recent Scotland only polls – the SNP could easily become the third largest party in the next Westminster Parliament. Now that would be a laff. The SNP could hold the balance of power in the next Westminster Parliament. We might just get that devo max after all.

But what the polls do show is that without any doubt or quibbles about rounding, or the small sizes of Scottish subsample, or any of the other get-out clauses usually trotted out at these times – Labour in Scotland is gubbed. More gubbed than a gobstopper that’s evaded the Heimlich manoeuvre. Now you know why the party appears Tory blue in the face. Choke on that one Jim. Your career is about to hit the buffers. The party leader with no party to lead.



49 comments on “The oncoming train

  1. A Meringue says:

    If it turns out that the type 26 frigates dont get built on the Clyde then their tea is most definitely out. It is out already but that will put the lid on it. Seriously it is becoming a daily event “Lets take the piss out of the porridge wogs” What “promise” will they tear up, use as lavy roll and wave in our faces next?

    Never mind the latest SNP party political broadcast contains a Wee Ginger Dug so all can’t be bad in the world.🙂

  2. Andrea says:

    rubbing my hands gleefully…..

  3. aitchbee says:

    I want to find some no voters so I can ask them if they have taken the red pill and joined the 45% yet🙂

  4. warpsta says:

    We only have to wait 1 calendar month to find out if the murphoid wins his eggshell crown. I wonder if Ed Milliband will last that long?

  5. Hugh Kirk says:

    “The Caledonian Express is going to plaster the Labour party’s electoral hopes in Scotland all over the tracks like the jam they always promised but never delivered.”

    Classy sound bite right there. Sums the present “Labour” party up beautifully.

  6. Sinclair Macleod says:

    Brilliant as always, Paul. One thing, Murphy’s career may hit the buffers in the humiliation express if he doesn’t win the leadership. With the unions lining up against him, he’s not the certainty that the MSM thinks he is. Now that would be perfect way to scramble his eggs.

    • MarkAustin says:

      Actually, no. The best possible result would be for him to win. This then puts him in a cleft stick. In order to lead the Scottish branch office of Labour, he has to win his Westminster seat in 2015—the aforesaid laeder must be either an MP or MSP In order to effictively lead the Scottish branch office of Labour, he has to win a seat at Holyrood in 2016. How’s that going to play with the voters in East Renfrewshire: “vote for me so I can resign for another job in 12 months”.

      So, his Westminster opponent hammers the “vote for Murphy for a part-time MP for 1 year”. Hopefully, he’s beaten. Labour in Scotland immediately has a constitutional crisis. They no longer have a leader What do they do?

      Precipitate a Holyrood bye-election? The electorate generally hates what they see as “unecessary” bye-elections, and he might well lose that too

      Elect a caretaker leader? An open goal for Nicola Sturgeon at FM’s questions. How do you guarantee this stooge stands down. If they did this would mean three Labour in Sctoland leadership elections in three years.

      Elect a real (permanent) leader. Murphy’s either out of politics excpet, perhaps, as a back-bench MSP, or in a perpetual state of rebellion on said back benches.

      The SNP and Scotland cannot lose on this one.

  7. I am convinced 100% that this is the only level of political critique that is relevant and 100%accurate in these farcical times. Fantastic, Paul – a pure antidote to cynicism. I also see that Ed is going down the Tony Bliar ‘I’m the messiah’ route with his ‘i’m driven’ patter. he just comes across like one of those tossers in the apprentice stuck in the 80’s.

  8. diabloandco says:

    Is it time for Mr Murphy to “Fuck off” in triplicate?

    So glad you were in my inbox today ,you express my rage against the machine so well!

  9. Ally Wilson says:

    Paul hope you didn’t mind I posted this on WOS.

    By Wee Ginger Dug

    Jim Murphy has a vision for Scotland’s future, it’s a picture of him towering about his tiny little minions – the MURPHOIDS.

    (Murphoids are small and narrow minded things that cling to Labour like haemorrhoids, only bloodless and drained of anything red.”)

    A BELTER!!

    I suppose the SLAB meetings in East Renfrew will be held in the room above the pub.

    The Bunch “o” Grapes!!!!!!!

    • hektorsmum says:

      Well I am off to an SNP meeting in the Glen in Dunfermline and I do not mean the usual Glen Tavern, had to book as well. I think next year the Eden Theatre will never accommodate the SNP Party Conference, in fact I doubt it is even coming close this year.

  10. annelawrie says:

    If the smurph wins the branch manager position, then loses his seat in WM next year, what happens to the branch manager position? He might stand for Holyrood the following year, but could lose that too. He could end up standing on Irn Bru crates shouting “gies a job, mister”. Such interesting times ahead.

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      Could Murphy be an unseated Leader of a political parliamentary group with no members?

    • hektorsmum says:

      Interesting times indeed, seems the dispossessed have taken over. What ever happened to that Shortbread box, nae putting us back in as Paul so eloquently put it before the Referendum.
      It will serve the lot of them should he be out on his ear, I rather think Mr Miliband would be so delighted to lose another Blairite.

  11. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    I am mad as a panda on smokey bamboo, but could this discussion about building the frigates elsewhere not be anothi GIRFUY from Cameron and Osbourn to Labour, possibly also Murphy.

    More Cayenne pepper into the mix?

    They will be built on the Clyde.

  12. Alex Smith says:

    This is what the No voters didn’t think of – Westmonster’s revenge wouldn’t only affect those naughty Yessers, but would affect them too.

    How many of those shipyard workers were frightened into voting no by the prospect of losing their jobs? they could have been rubbing their hands at the prospect of building Scotland’s little navy by now.

    Hell mend them, they condemned all of us.

    • hektorsmum says:

      My last laugh Alex, I did warn that the NO voters would be those most affected, the Yes votes recognised what the train would feel like coming down the track.

  13. Gordon McAllan says:

    “The time is out of joint./Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right.” You know, it’s indeed all falling apart for the egg-timorous beastie: he’s now 100% committed to his prospective career as a branch manager (he must be – he told us so), but Miliband Minor is on the skids and it looks as if he will soon be asked to demit office, vacating the very billet which Jim must have entertained, over his Westminster-caucus years, as his true vocation. Bad luck, Jim. No way back.

  14. bringiton says:

    However,we musn’t forget the Labour zombie vote effect.
    Those who appear to be brain dead and those that actually are.
    That is what Murphy and friends will be counting on.

  15. A Meringue says:

    I read that in the Telegraph this morning the UK government is denying the story about building the type 26`s in France. Apparently it is just the musings of one of their admirals. Nothing to see move along! Serves them right for having so many admirals. I dont know if it is true or not but it is certainly believable that the Royal Navy has more admirals than ships. So how does that work? Do they take it in turns. Or is it just more jobs for the (over privileged) boys stuff.

    I was half expecting this issue to turn out to be a red herring so that Big, Bad, Mad, Mental, Murphy could come to the rescue and everybody could go back to voting Labour. Hurrah!

  16. faolie says:

    I just heard Andy Burnham on telly and he very definitely said that Labour wasn’t demoralised, oh no, they were actually GALVANISED and were RIGHT BEHIND Ed. And I’m thinking, well, maybe this galvanisation will improve the fortunes of their Scottish branch too and that the Mad Murph won’t lose his seat after all.

    And then I read this and I thought, nah, Andy you’re actually scared shitless. Betcha Murphy is too. Not only no party to lead, but out of a job too. And no one to sponsor him to the parliamentary retirement home either.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Did you hear that Ed Miliband had been discussing low wages and zero hour contracts, must have been whispering because all I have heard is him out torying the tories.

  17. david agnew says:

    Murphy wasn’t sent to Scotland to rescue it’s fortunes. He hasn’t the wit or the wisdom to do that. He was sent here to die with what’s left of Scotlands branch of UK labour. He has been written off, along with the rest, in pretty much the same manner that Cameron effectively ditched his scottish branch of the conservatives. Scottish labour meanwhile, have given up winning in Holyrood and UK labour are getting their excuses ready for not winning the General election in 2015, by stabbing hapless Ed in the back.

  18. macart763 says:

    Stick a fork in them, they’re almost done.

    Whatever is coming their way between now and next May, they brought on themselves. Their arrogance, their sense of entitlement, their condescension, their manipulation and misrepresentation. It didn’t seem to occur to them there’d be a fallout for their actions and behaviour?

    The mindset summed up perfectly by Katy Clark:

  19. gerry parker says:

    ” and not even the blindly loyal Labour voters of Coatbridge would be left to them”

    I await that day with gleeful anticipation, and am doing all I can to hasten it.


  20. INDEPENDENT says:

    As A. Meringue SAYS

    Whoah There!!!!
    I can smell s**te!

    Scotland’s New SAVIOUR newly to be Lord Spud, arrives at the last moment to turn the Blue Tory government’s policy round.
    He makes the announcement in the Clyde Shipyard of how the Red Tory’s were the only ones who could have achieved this.
    Finishes with APPEAL that vote Red SLAB, to beat the Blue Tory’s in May 2015.


  21. Sooz says:

    All these pre-referendum warnings about losing Clyde shipbuilding, no oil left by Tuesday week and banks legging it south in he event of Independence, now proved to be lies and betrayals, are solid gold when we’re out doorstepping for the 2015 election. If it weren’t for me gammy knees I’d be out here right now, guiding disillusioned Labour votes into the fold.

    This piece made me laugh out loud. I haven’t done that for a while, so angry have I been at the way Scotland is being treated. Hell mend them all. As another poster has suggested, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Murph’s resignation from his WM post and his northward dash past Hadria’s Wall haven’t been engineered by Brewers Green, although it’s perfectly possible that he Tories are playing a long game in eradicating Labour from the British political landscape. Nothing would surprise me any more.

  22. Sooz says:

    A few letters appear to have fallen off. T, T, N, T. Must rinse glasses.

  23. handclapping says:

    You can just see the Tories standing back and rubbing the hands with satisfaction at finally having engineered the demise of the Labour Party

    … and being run over by UKIP

    Vote No for the status quo?

  24. hektorsmum says:

    Loved the haemorrhoid bit, just so you Paul, only you have the vision to see what they remind us all of. Bloodless too, and certainly no passion, Angela Constance said that the dispossessed have all the power in Scotland now, let us hope they use it. They came damned close in the Referendum with a lot of work we can finish the job. One thing I do not want if the SNP hold the balance of power is that they prop up any of the other parties. Let them struggle one issue at a time, this is what will bring back democracy. Nobody gave the SNP a hand, continued to govern without any assistance and all the better for it.

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:

      So that is how you spell it.

      I am glad I didn’t have that as a kid and she have needed to write that on the note to the teacher. She had enough problems trying to spell skeets.

  25. Murphy sitting in the Scottish Parliament would worry me – bringing the worst of Westminster politics into a parliament that was supposed to be different, the new politics – what happened to them? So hopefully, between now and whatever election he stands in, hectorsmum’s dispossessed exert some of their power and boot him into neverneverland.

  26. Steve B says:

    Paul any news on the “Wee Ginger Annual” ,that collection of the best bits of WGD you spoke about a while back

    And for what it’s worth I reckon Milibland will be gone by the festive hostilities

  27. Laura Anne Gibson says:

    Yikes! After all that mental imagery of Wee Jimmy wresting things from the evil clutches of, er, the puppet masters of his own party, I think I need a rest! Or copious amounts of peach schnapps. Or both. Preferably both.

  28. seanair says:

    Is anyone really taking note of anything Murphy says, since he does not have the power until 2016 to change anything in Scotland?
    So his claim to changing anti-sectarian laws is pish, and now he has jumped on the Daily Heil bandwagon and he’s going to improve the food served up in NHS hospitals (no indication where the money would come from).
    Another Red Tory who will be found out in due course.

  29. Gavin Barrie says:

    Miliband Minor despatched in the “Ides” of November.

    Murphy reluctantly abandons his Scot Lieber leadership campaign expressing sadly his duty(eh!)in monotonic oratory, to return and assist Westmidden Lieber. And, if necessary accept the mantle of Lieber leader, humbly and reluctantly.

    MSM and the BBC would love it. They would egg Murphy on to return.

  30. john henry says:

    “Whispering Jim”!!! Belter!!!!

  31. liz says:

    ”Murphoids are small and narrow minded things that cling to Labour like haemorrhoids” – harsh but true if only they could see themselves as others see them.

  32. Jan Cowan says:

    “The third largest party” sounds just great to me. An example to them all – that honesty is the best policy.

    Thanks again, Paul, for your work which I thoroughly enjoyed as always.

  33. Morag Frame says:

    Have really missed you WGD, so great to read you again!
    Murph’s career is truly ‘gubbed’ but the thought of him haunting the Scottish parliament for neenaw evermore, as the spectre gurgling the last death throe’s of Scottish Labour, gives me the heebie-jeebies’.

  34. Angelo Greig says:

    Another brilliantly written piece, Paul. Your turn of phrase always makes my day. Come next May, Labour, like the Tories, will most definitely be an endangered species in species in Scotland, and deservedly so.

  35. Luigi says:

    Every time I hear Monotone Murphy, I think of the Rev I.M.Jolly. He would certainly pitch an appropriate “Thought for the day” on GMS.

  36. Michael Housman says:

    This is Cameron talking about Russia and the Ukraine.

    “Earlier, Cameron said: “We have to be clear what we are dealing with here is a large state bullying a smaller state. We have seen the consequences of that in the past and we should learn the lessons of history and make sure we do not let it happen again.”

  37. Lochside says:

    Brilliantly witty and true as ever!

  38. Finnula says:

    It’s beginning to look a lot like Yesmass, everywhere we go!….brilliant as ever wee ginger. X

  39. Clicky Steve says:

    Wise thoughts. The Tories are riding high on their victory with the ‘No’. They have even less reason to care what Scots think now, so it is an easy stick to beat Labour with.

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