Spermatazoa and Jim Murphy

What happens when you call an election and no one comes? Labour looks like it may be about to find out as each of those tipped as future pretendy leader of the pretendy “Scottish Labour” branch office rule themselves out the running. It’s like a PE fitba selection in reverse – oh dear God don’t pick me. None of the dinosaurs want the job because they’re staring extinction in the face as it is, and besides, Ian Davidson has issued a statement saying he’s got to stay in and wash his hair. None of the so-called big hitters want the job because they know they’ll only get hit bigger. None of the young hopefuls want the job because they would like to have a career that lasts longer than a tub of lard held up to a hair dryer. At the rate things are going, we’d end up with Jackie Baillie because there’s no one else left. However Jackie has also ruled herself out, on account of the fact that she’d melt.

On Monday Gordie Broon announced doesn’t want the job because it would mean he’d actually have to do some work and attend sessions of Parliament – and then stand for Holyrood and attend there. It would have a serious impact on his career as an after dinner spokes hypnotist, helping businesspersons who can’t switch off to enjoy a good sleep. Gordie has an aversion to being challenged, so he can’t stand as it would mean that he’d be challenged weekly at FMQs. He didn’t spend the entire referendum campaign talking to no one but hand-picked audiences for nothing. Hand picked audiences of Labour supporters don’t answer back.

Anas Sarwar, the interim hereditary leader, announced today that he won’t stand as his daddy won’t let him give up the family heirloom seat in Govan. Holding the seat in Govan is sort of like being the Prince of Wales, it’s occupied by the future Governor of the Punjab. Anas has fond hopes that one day he can pass it on to his own wee Sarwar, who – according to a persistent rumour -Anas sends to a private school because he doesn’t want his children to associate with the kind of scruff that Anas relies on to vote for him.

Anas refusing to stand means that there is a very real likelihood that both the leader and deputy leader of the ahem “Scottish” Labour party will be Westminster MPs – an eventuality which rather proves Johann’s branch office run from London point. Jim Murphy is the only well known name who has not so far ruled himself out. Jim thinks he’d be a great leader because he fancies himself as spunky. Like a spermatazoa, Jim has a one in a billion chance of turning into a real human being. Many in the party think that Jim is ideal for the job as he epitomises all that the moribund modern Labour party stands for – self-serving careerism, bloated expenses claims, a dictatorial nature, a willful failure to listen to or understand what Scottish voters want, a complete lack of principles, and as a bonus he already looks like a cadaver.

The other potential contender is a guy called Neil Findlay, a list MSP for Lothian whose main selling point is that no one outside of Holyrood’s Labour group has ever heard of him, and half of Holyrood’s Labour group haven’t heard of him either. This is a major advantage as it makes Neil one of the very few Labour politicians in Scotland who don’t provoke guffaws and derisory howls from the electorate whenever their name is mentioned. Neil wants to take Labour to the left, and recover the party’s socialist principles, hoping to appeal to that aged and dying off section of the voting public which can actually remember when Labour was supposed to be a left wing party. Which is no one under the age of 90.

The problem with Neil’s prospectus is of course that even if he does succeed in taking the pretendy leadership of a party the doesn’t really exist, the dinosaurs in charge of the branch office will put the kybosh on his leftwards movement in about as long as it takes to say velociraptor. It may be relevant at this juncture to point out that the makers of the Jurassic Park movie took considerable liberties in the depiction of the velociraptor, which in real life was about the size of a turkey. This would make Labour the first organisation in the history of politics to have been culled by an extinct turkey. And it’s not even Christmas.

There’s been some speculation in the media, or at least by Alex Massie, that Jim Murphy represents the only serious threat to the SNP and this is why he’s attracted most attacks from 45ers on social media. This is not true. The reason Jim Murphy is a favourite target of attacks is because he’s Jim Murphy. Why bother attacking someone no one has ever heard of when you can launch a few verbal lobs at the man who sums up in a single individual all that has gone wrong with Labour over the past 20 odd years. What’s the problem with Labour? Jim Murphy. See – that makes sense.

But a new leader – whether it’s the death-head Jim or the guy nobody knows – won’t be able to solve Labour’s problems. Today we’ve had a succession of Labour figures on the telly telling us that Johann was quite mistaken when she said that they were out of touch, and proved it by denying that there were any issue to address at all. David Blunkett was aghast at the very notion that Labour in Scotland might have policies that differ from those of Labour elsewhere in the UK, demonstrating that he hasn’t quite grasped the concept of “Scottish Labour” as anything other than a brand name for Ed Miliband north of the border. This is as much a problem for Labour as Jim Murphy is.

Meanwhile the Smith Commission is working to a strict timetable as Labour tears itself apart. Does anyone know any more what Labour is proposing for our lovely new devolution settlement? Did anyone know before Johann resigned? Answers on a postcard to the Smith Commission.



56 comments on “Spermatazoa and Jim Murphy

  1. Morag says:

    The singular of spermatozoa is spermatozoon. Just saying.

    I know these things because I went to the same school as Anas Sarwar. And I’m beginning to feel a bit hunted, whe way people are going on. Like it’s some sort of political BO.

    Not meaning to sound sniffy, feeling a bit under the weather.

    • hektorsmum says:

      Morag, where ever you went to school is not of your making it is what you make of yourself that counts. Have you got a hereditary seat somewhere? I seriously doubt it.
      Never fear Lass you are one of us and not one of them.

      • Morag says:

        To be fair, where I went to school is of my making. My parents offered me the choice, after letting me sit the entrance test on the advice of my primary school teacher. I was so taken by the atmosphere that I begged to be allowed to go.

        I’ve often wondered if I should have done that. Even though the fees were only about £80 a year then (the school was grant-aided) and after third year I was on a free bursary because my class marks were high enough, it was still a sacrifice for my parents. I still remember my mother saying wistfully that if I’d gone to Hamilton Academy (where my 11-plus results sent me) I’d have had my bus fares paid, whereas going to Hutchie my parents had to stump up rail and bus fares into Glasgow every term. I was only eleven, though, and selfish with it.

        What I never imagined was that people would ostracise me on account of going to a school it was considered a privilege to attend.

        • hektorsmum says:

          I certainly think that as long as you enjoyed the experience then why not. We always said that had we had children we would have struggled to get them the best education we could. I was lucky with my Secondary, I went to Portobello, the Senior Secondary and not the High School as now. It was a solid School. My Husband was not so lucky, he is younger than I am and he started at Leith Academy and finished at Penicuik High School, he does not have fond memories whilst I have.
          I only understood why Edinburgh Council stopped people filling in the name of their School on application forms, strangely after meeting people from the West, it never featured strongly with me, where someone went to school.

    • weegingerdug says:

      I did actually know that – like I also know that the plural of rhinoceros is rhinocerotes. But what’s a classical declension pattern between friends?

      • Rhinocerotes, Gawd, every day is a school day! Ps, the spell check disnie like it.

        • Bugger (the Panda) says:

          Ok, so this is developing into a language class?????

          What is the singular of bacteria?

          What is the treatment for a viral infection?

          What is the treatment for a bacterial infection?


          Antibiotics, so far, do not affect bacterial infections

          What name for more than one viral cell or different strains; viruses or virii?


          (543212 Cue !)

          What is the correct reference for a rise or fall in a mean temperature?

          3 degrees Centigrade?

          Naw, 3 Centigrade degrees is correct. T

          The first is a fixed point on the temperature scale and the second is a temperature difference. Big deal and difference.

          ……and it is Celsius NOT Centigrade!

          Going to my pit now..


          • weegingerdug says:

            I thought the singular of bacteria was “Jim Murphy”

          • Veronica Morrison says:

            Come off it, Jim! Stop showing off, it doesn’t become you! Where are you, anyway?

          • Morag says:

            Point of information, vaccines don’t treat viral infections. Anti-virals, like acyclovir, treat viral infections. Vaccines are of no use after an infection has been contracted. They’re prophylactic, conferring immunity to the pathogen in advance of the pathogen being encountered. Vaccines are available against viruses (influenza), bacteria (whooping cough), parasites (lungworm) and bacterial toxins (tetanus).

            Don’t thank me, merely doing my job….

            (Rhinocerotes? Really? Is that one of the ones nobody really uses, like mycoplasmata?)

  2. […] Spermatazoa and Jim Murphy […]

  3. Morag Frame says:

    whats the singular for snotter Morag? Oh wee dug, your are medicine for the soul!

  4. Absolutely priceless! Medicine for the soul indeed.

  5. scotsgeoff says:

    One of the worries is that, as demonstrated by 55% of our voting population, there are turkeys always more than ready to blindly vote for Christmas.

  6. jimnarlene says:

    The schadenfreude continues, long may it last.

  7. A Meringue says:

    How about a bit of lateral thinking. J.K. Rowling is a big Labour supporter isn’t she. Could they no wrangle her into the job? I hear that she is awfi good at making shit up. A prerequisite surly.

    • David says:

      Good point, if the irn bru case caretaker has to get himself elected ( maybe, eventually ) into the Scottish Paliament why not pluck a random from a Scottish street somewhere and get them fast tracked into the party and the elected as Sottish leader. They might have less of a fight on their hands for a seat in the Scottish Parliament. Of course Jim can get listed so that any incurable dregs of labour support will possibly suffice to get him a shoe in.

  8. macart763 says:

    The title of leader of Scottish Labour is taking on all the baggage of a fart in a lift. There isn’t a corner far enough away in a sealed box you can escape the oncoming sensory assault and someone eventually is going to be singled out to take the responsibility for owning the air biscuit in the first place, whether they want it or not.

    Mind you we’re told Mr Murphy is considering his future and consulting with his family. This of course is fairly unsubtle code for he really, REALLY does not want the job and is either in furious negotiations behind closed doors to dodge the the oncoming train wreck of his ‘career’ or he’s hoping some other mark volunteers for the poison chalice out of the blue.

    That none of those charlatans wants the job tells you all you need to know about Labour. Can anyone see any SNP, Green or SSP candidate hesitating for even an instant for the post of leading their party and representing their electorate in Holyrood? If you’re a Labour starlet however, well you’ve got your eyes set on a ‘higher’ calling don’t you? I mean the call of those soft, comfy leather benches and the extra added of a big goonie, with fur trim to keep you warm in the winter is the real prize. That winter heating allowance in the far north is a pittance and you need something to keep you warm in your retirement. Its a hard enough life getting by on massive self inflicted salaries, expenses claims and broon envelopes from corporate brown nosing/lobbying without actually having to work for a living and representing your actual home grown constituents… at home.

    • hektorsmum says:

      I have always said having seen what has become of Willie Rennie, that once in Holyrood you are much more on view than you need to be at Westminster. I am sure that Mr Murphy if he is stupid enough to take up the Chalice will find out that he better remain in Westminster or his failings will be found out. He can presently become a minister and all that gives, extra money, position, all that he so valiantly fought for over the time he was shouting folk down from his soap box. I do not see him giving it up easily. It will require a lot of flattery but then we know how vain these people are.

      • macart763 says:

        Heh, whoever get the job, will have been telt they’re taking it on. They know what’s coming and they know, surely, by now that they went way too far in their actions during the referendum campaign. Whoever ‘gets’ the job is there to take one for the team, because they are going to be on the receiving end of some well deserved anger and outrage. ‘Course it won’t have occurred to Ed that in a general election format, unlike the referendum, it is all about parties and leaders.

        At the end of the day, this time it’ll be all about telling Ed and his north British proxy, along with his sellout, pretend socialists to sling it and don’t let the door hit them on the arse as they leave.

        • Sooz says:

          “Whoever ‘gets’ the job is there to take one for the team, because they are going to be on the receiving end of some well deserved anger and outrage”

          Absolutely and precisely. The hammering the poor sod gets will be unbearable. Added to which will be the blame they will receive from Labour HQ for the slaughter in 2015 when the indy parties – and the SNP in particular – tear the constituency seats from the cold, nerveless fists of Labour MSPs. He or she will either end up on the Labour backbenches for a lifetime or will throw in the towel, go on a world trip and end up somewhere like Tibet, weaving raffia baskets to cleanse the soul.

          Ian Davidson must be biting his desk right now.

          • macart763 says:

            No doubt they’ll be on a promise of some sort to stand up and take the pummelling. At the end of the day though Ed has to face the fact that its he and British labour who are really about to be slapped for their appalling treatment of the Scottish electorate. They’ve more than earned it.

  9. diabloandco says:

    We need to get you a wider audience – if we all keep rattling our brains we may come up with a solution.

    How’s the unpacking and the nicotine going?

    • weegingerdug says:

      The unpacking is more or less finished now – still a few bits and pieces to get for the new place. Does anyone have a computer table they don’t want? I need a new one. The old one fell apart during the flitting. And Glesca Cooncil have buggered up my council tax payments, so I need to sort that out.

      That’s now 1 week 7 hours and 30 minutes without a fag – I’m not counting, honest. Still getting cravings, but they’re getting fewer and the intensity is lessening.

      • hektorsmum says:

        Glad to hear that Paul, keep at it, I cannot remember the time scale but it is something like the first thing is you get your lung capacity back, and goes on from there. You and Ginger will be able to go on longer an longer walks and Ginger looks to have the capacity to do them.

      • Iain Rough says:

        I’ve got an IKEA computer table. Metal legs, vinyl covered shelves.
        Narrow top shelf, middle table top style, sliding bottom half shelf (I used for printer). Flat pack. Been stored in loft for years and must be more than 10yrs old. Can get it to you in Glasgow if interested.

      • Steve Bowers says:

        Good man, telt ye they wid, now, fan’s the book oot ?

        O/T, finally got scotsoutlook.com sorted, people can now come join in and subscribe for updates.

        well done on the fags, nae easy !

  10. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Flash news

    “Murphy rises to the challenge”

  11. Wasn’t Murphy removed as a failed Scottish Secretary and replaced by Alisdair somebody?

    • David says:

      No Alistair somebody replaced Michael Moore. Crateman stopped being Scottish Secretary when the English electorate pingponged the Tories into power in 2010. It’s important to remember that the chosen ones are not the chosen ones any more in England or Scotland although the media are going to take a few more decades to fully catch on.

      The BT lot sh*t on M Moore but he is, of course, still very grateful that we are now all wallowing the after sh*te of a no vote.

  12. I like the description, death-head Murphy. Remember the character Dorf way back? Date: Mon, 27 Oct 2014 23:19:56 +0000 To: achttag@hotmail.com

  13. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Spot on Paul – the very fact that everyone who is anyone is running away from this chance to show some leadership tells you all you need to know about the state of Labour. They ultimately don’t really care about Scotland – they all have their eyes on a bigger prize and don’t want to blot their copybooks.

  14. linda kilmurray (@lindak1950) says:

    as always ,you say it all

  15. Bill Hume says:

    To the man with the Wee Ginger Dug, from the man with the Big Bernese Dug.

    I was a tad depressed this morning……….until I read this. Thank you.

    p.s. Might I suggest a new sign for your new front door?

    “Ignore the dug, beware of the owner”

  16. david agnew says:

    they’re in a real bind. The party is nothing more than a ponzi scheme built around the dilbert principle, were the least competent, least smart people became MSPs simply because they’re the ones you don’t want to be involved in real policy decisions. You want them waffling on about social justice and yelling at the SNP for being bad – you know, the easy work. Now they need a “leader”. Well it could be an MP, but that MP is a backbencher who answers to the whip. His deputy is a backbencher and so is the assistant deputy leader. So labour will have to invent a 4th tier leadership role for an MSP, who will in effect have no real powers as he answers to backbench MPs for direction, who in turn take their directions from the party whip.

    the real crisis comes from the next holyrood election. The party leader will not be able to take the role of First Minister. So that would have to go the Assistant to the Assistant deputy leader. This would mean a Scottish labour FM who would have no real powers and would take direction from Westminster. That’s not a safe ticket to campaign on.

    At a stroke they show themselves to be exactly what Lamont said they were. They also look as if they hold holyrood in contempt, effectively trying to steer it were they want it to be through westminster.

    labour will still be searching for a leader long after the smith commission makes its recommendations. I suspect labour will try and sneak in the Devo Naw proposals with no changes, hoping like hell no one notices that its nothing like what Brown foolishly promised.

  17. You made me splutter on my porridge. Ha ha. Especially the ref to Alex Massie.

  18. J Galt says:

    Will Jim “Skelator” Murphy no be too busy just now, it being Halloween and that?

  19. faolie says:

    Ha ha, “oh dear God don’t pick me”. About sums it all up Paul. Everyone shuffling about looking at their shoes, while Jim has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, that this really wasn’t supposed to happen.

    Actually, one of the few good interviews to come out of the BBC during the referendum campaign was Hayley Millar’s slicing and dicing of Jim Murphy on GMS. Completely lost, all at sea, calling for his mum, she chewed him up and spat him out.

    It’s here if you want a listen to rare example of a rigorous BBC interview of a BT politician that made it past the political commissar: youtube.com/watch?v=9HWglFLW72c. Enjoy.

  20. J Galt says:

    Eventually somebody will have to be ORDERED to take the fall.

    In the words of the Turkish General to his troops at Gallipoli “I am not Ordering You to Stand and Fight, I am Ordering You to DIE!”

  21. “as a bonus he already looks like a cadaver.” check out @ZombieMurph on Twitter

  22. Laura Anne Gibson says:

    Paul, I’ve spotted an error:

    ‘This is a major advantage as it makes Neil one of the very few Labour politicians in Scotland who don’t provoke guffaws and derisory howls from the electorate whenever their name is mentioned. YET’

    There, I fixed it😀

  23. macart763 says:

    Well, as if there was any doubt about ‘Scotland’s Champion’ before…


    Sit down first and have the natra calm tablets to hand.

  24. James says:

    “what’s wrong with the slp jim murphy”, just about sums it up

  25. Mammy says:

    I know how to get a new leader. Sit the Labour Party in a circle and play pass the party.

  26. And somehow or other John McTiernan in the Telegraph is, in his usual inimitable manner, laying the Labour debacle in the lap of the SNP. It’s all down to those nasty nats that infiltrated the minds of his good Labour folk with their bile and their repetition of London Labour. The guy has a creative bent, you have to admit. Pity he doesn’t use it elsewhere. Vampire movies might prove a suitable home for his talents. As long as they’re made somewhere distant from Scotland.

    • James says:

      I was up all night racking my brains using your “whats wrong with” formula it’s very tricky indeed, I’m sure einstein would have struggled, but I gotta another result. Whats wrong with the labour party ? ed miliband, amazing! that works too. I think we might be on the road to discovering what came first the chicken or the egg.

      I’ll have a wee rest and try ed balls next, wonder how that pans out ?

    • Nigel says:

      John mc whoo??

      Sounds like your typical slabber- uncouth, bully, utterly utterly devoid of any redeeming features- in other words, just the type of cretin we need to forge a modern country out of its present shambolic state- makes one proud to be of the Scottish nation, doesnt it, knowing he will be a fine ambassador for us Scots, wherever he roams….

  27. James says:

    got it, I mean the new leader of the slp , who is more qualified than michael forsyth ? the guy used to lick maggie’s jack boots ffs ed’s balls would be as clean as a whistle

  28. Brian Fleming says:

    What came first, the chicken or the egg? That’s easy. Jim Murphy. He’s the answer to everything, apparently.

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