Garden gnomes and koalas

I was going to blog something about the Lib Dem conference which was held in Glasgow this weekend, but what’s the point? Does anyone actually give a toss what Vince Cable thinks? Even the rest of the Lib Dems don’t care. You do better blogging about the minutes of the last meeting of the Auchterarder Market Gardens and Allotments Association summer outing subcommittee, which unlike the Lib Dems has a purpose and is at least going somewhere. Other than serving as enablers so one or other of the twin Tory parties can continue to take buggin’s turn as the government of the day, the Lib Dems have no purpose, and most likely no future either.

But since the Auchterarder Market Gardens and Allotments Association are far too important and weighty and Scotland voted No so we aren’t allowed to talk about important stuff, the Lib Dems will have to do. Their conference can be summed up in three sentences: What a pointless waste of time. Can I get the last 48 hours of Danny’s Alexander’s life back please. I’d like to do something inventive with them.

The Lib Dems vie with Gordie Broon for the title of Biggest Suckers in British Politics. It is only Gordie’s recent masterclass performance in being taken for a mug that has pushed them out of pole position in the rankings. They can’t even win at being losers. Gordie has been vowed the trophy, which he achieved during the final days of the referendum campaign by turning the word ego into a verb, only to discover that he’d been strung along like an overpuffed balloon and then burst by Davie Cameron’s wee prick. It was the biggest explosion of a bag of noxious gas since Gordie mistakenly chose the beans during that fateful dinner with Tony Blair.

However Lib Dem party strategists have clearly decided to fight the General Election campaign on a platform of: We really hate the Tories too. No honestly. They’re beastly. We said so all along, under our breath while Michael Gove wasn’t listening. They bullied us into supporting them, they really did. It wasn’t our fault. We’ll support Labour if you like.

Despite the delusional nature of their self belief, the Lib Dems maintain a cheerful disposition, founded entirely upon the proposition that come 2015 everyone will forget that Danny Alexander has spent the past five years as George Osborne’s suppository. Danny has found his calling as the greasy slime which permits the smooth passage of Osborne’s parliamentary motions. And then there’s that vow that a lot of people are itching to pay them back for. No, not the Scottish one. The tuition fees one that lasted as long as it took to say ministerial motor. Though that wasn’t a vow, if memory serves it was only a solemn pledge signed in blood. Or in Menzies Campell’s case, formaldehyde.

But even the harshest critic would have to admit that the situation is not entirely dire. The Lib Dems have escaped most of the blame for Gordie’s disemvowment, but that’s only because we already have Nick Clegg’s tea oot for the student loans thing and being a second rate Tory when the original version was third rate to begin with.

Yesterday saw Wee Wullie Rennie and Alistair Carmichael launch into a fearsome attack on the SNP, like being savaged by an elderly and toothless Yorkie and its chew toy.

Wullie has given the SNP a wee test, because he’s learned how to do them after someone showed him how to put a wee tick in the multiple choice box. And if he got it right he got a smartie. That’s how he got the job as Lib Dem leader in Holyrood – well that and the fact there was no one else left.

Wullie said that the SNP and independence were like Gollum and his preciousssss, which he would know a lot about, since he had a non-speaking part in the fillum as a garden gnome. I always thought he was wasted in politics. Wullie has a face that you usually see in a DC Thompson cartoon, like the offspring of Daphne and Desperate Dan, and he could have a weekly series of misadventures and homespun philosophy with his pal Alistair the prissy Koala in the pull out section of the Sunday Post. It would at least add to the sum total of human happiness in a small but significant way.

Instead he’s wasting his enormous natural talent on making up a test for the SNP before he’ll let them play with the Smith Commission on further devolution. He’s helpfully provided only one option for the tick box, which is helpfully labelled ‘wrong answer’. Wullie thinks this is a cunning ruse and he’s set a very clever trap. Awwwww. Someone give him a smartie.

The test consists of a vow, there’s a lot of those going around just now. People must catch them in lifts, like Yes voters with a cold and other viruses of nationalism. The SNP have got to vow not to tell the Smith Commission they want an unstable form of devolution that will only lead to independence. Wullie doesn’t actually know what an unstable form of devolution is, seeing as how no one is very sure what a stable variety would look like, but he does know that unstable will be what the Lib Dems call absolutely any proposal put forward by the SNP.

Meanwhile the Koalamichael is getting agitated about another referendum, and wants the SNP to rule it out forever. Because if the people of Scotland are not told once and for all that they can never change their minds ever, not even if circumstances change, then it will be just like Quebec where they keep having new referendums. Then Edinburgh will turn into Montreal and this will be very bad for the banks because all the ATMs will be in French. The thrust of the argument being that the self-interest of the finance industry is more important than silly little things like democracy, or vows not being kept by balloons.

And this pretty much sums up the attitude of the Westminster parties, whether it’s the Blue Tories, the Red Tories, the Purple Raving Nigel Fan Club Tories, or the Yellow Greasy Enabling Tories – all of them believe that it’s only the populace which should be held to any sort of commitment, never their own party. All that’s left for us is to be lectured by a garden gnome and a stuffed toy koala on an entitlement kick.

Let’s kick them out.



66 comments on “Garden gnomes and koalas

  1. Andy says:

    “Let’s kick them out.”

    Happy to oblige, but can we do it now before they do any more damage to the padded cell. We’ll need it for Johann.

  2. Gonzologist says:

    “Danny Alexander has spent the past five years as George Osborne’s suppository. Danny has found his calling as the greasy slime which permits the smooth passage of Osborne’s parliamentary motions.”

    Awesome, just awesome.

  3. Sheila Rae says:

    Come back Guy Fawkes all is forgiven

  4. Ruth Laird says:

    Thank you for that I needed a laugh!

  5. fatbob says:

    Great really great, still laughing! The suppository analogy is brilliant!

    • Fat boab says:

      Totally agree, fatbob. By the way, are we related? Are you, perchance, my long-lost Da, Granpa, uncle? or am I your wean, grandson, nephew?

  6. pa_broon74 says:

    Not wishing to lower the tone, but suppositories at least have some medicinal, hopefully beneficial purpose – Danny Alexander can make no such claims. There-for, he’s probably a butt plug.

    My mind is now set on a course of thought best left unexplored. Gerry Seinfeld said on his show; sometimes the road less traveled, is less traveled for a reason.

    Other than that, all these Westminster parties are on their way out in Scotland. The Tories have gone along with the Lib Dems who’ve shown themselves to be Tory whipping boys. And now Labour, something we all knew but didn’t want to countenance, their absolute hypocrisy and stultifying double standards – they all need kicked out.

  7. As a Yes supporter I would like to say to Willie Rennie that we all (even the SNP) are more like good elves (I’m not a big Orlando Bloom fan though) and at the end of the day, all our efforts we will get what we want: full Scottish independence. And Paul, thank you for this, it’s therapy 😉

    • John Duncanson says:

      Therapy indeed! Like many other ‘Yessers’, I am very much in need of a good (or preferably “Bad”) laugh in these troubling times, so is it possible to get WGB on prescription? Oh, and home delivery would be good!

  8. jimnarlene says:

    You’ve done it, what I assumed was the impossible, you’ve found a reason for the yellow Tories existence. To be the eternal whipping boy, to have the pish well and truly ripped.
    Gonzologist says:
    October 6, 2014 at 1:59 pm
    “Danny Alexander has spent the past five years as George Osborne’s suppository. Danny has found his calling as the greasy slime which permits the smooth passage of Osborne’s parliamentary motions.”

    Awesome, just awesome.

    Couldn’t agree more.

  9. macart763 says:

    Laugh out loud brilliant Paul.

    Something I didn’t think I’d be doing this side of New Years. 😀

  10. Fordie says:

    Masterpiece, as always.

  11. mary says:

    Flipping great, boy was I in said need o’ a laugh
    Thank you WGD AYE 😎

  12. Jan Cowan says:

    Haven’t been too well for the last few days. However this last piece of yours has been an amazing tonic – best prescription ever! Every time I think of “savaged by an elderly and toothless Yorkie” not to mention “its chew toy” my health improves rapidly.

    Thank you, Paul and long may you continue to provide us with health-giving laughter.

  13. Helena Brown says:

    Thanks Paul fair cheered me up. Spent a little time this afternoon on the New Scottish Statesman where some pillock and I cannot be milder than that voted No because we were going to have a currency union, forgetting we actually are in a currency union in which we have no input. NO voters and stupidity really.

  14. mo Mhorag says:

    I cannot get Fanny Alexander’s raison d’etre out of my head!

  15. Nana says:

    Oh my aching sides. Danny the greasy slime for Gideon’s smooth passage. Glad I wasn’t eating or drinking while reading this.

  16. cirsium says:

    That’s a cracker, Paul. “Savaged by an elderly and toothless Yorkie and its chew toy” still has me chortling.

  17. maybolebuddie says:

    Sides sore from laughing, simply superb Paul!!

  18. yesguy says:

    Bravo Paul.

    We need to get you national.

    Therapy for the depressed YESSERS.

    And it works

    thanks WGD

  19. […] Garden gnomes and koalas. […]

  20. Ach if ye dinnae laugh…Cheers Wee Dug !!!

  21. WRH2 says:

    Brilliant Paul! Do you think someone will set up a retreat for unwanted and entirely useless LibDems after next May’s election? Can just picture them in an open grassy field just like you see old donkeys finally enjoying a stress free but essentially pointless life. So very little for them will change.

  22. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Brilliant as always.
    Can I go seriously off topic please? Today I made my submission to the Smith Commission via their website. I am on my phone and rubbish at posting links from it so just Google it.
    But please ask all your family, friends, organisations you are part of, your local Yes groups, your local voluntary groups, etc. to make their submissions too.
    The time to do so is short so please do it now and spread the word.

  23. MBC says:

    The link to the Smith Commission is here:

    I would be interested to know what you put in your submission.

    • Steve Asaneilean says:

      Hi MBC – basically an abbreviated version of the post I did here a while back re. inequality and suggesting that I believed that only by having full fiscal autonomy could we tackle the problems of inequality and all that follows on from that.
      But I am sure other folks on here and posters at Bella and Wings and Derek Bateman could put even more convincing arguments than mine and ones which more closely match the criteria for submissions detailed on the link above.
      Thanks for posting the link by the way.

      • MBC says:

        Bit concerned that the SNP have appointed Linda Fabiani to be one of their two representatives on this important commission. Not exactly an intellectual heavyweight, is she? John Swinney is the other. OK, so he understands finance and revenues, that’s fine. But Fabiani? No idea how that woman has got as far as she has. The Conservatives have chosen Annabel Goldie (she’s a lawyer) and Adam Tomkins (a prat, but another lawyer) so they have some serious firepower which will easily outgun the SNP. Labour have appointed the hapless Iain Gray, not much to be hoped for there, and Lib Dems have appointed Tavish Scott and Michael Moore.

        Really despairing now. We are going to get Devo Minnow. This could all go really badly wrong, we could end up, perhaps more by haplessness than design, getting into a far worse pickle in future than we are at present.

        • MBC says:


          • david agnew says:

            they are not inept, they are simply facing a 307 year old edifice that props up so many vested interests, engaged in repressing inconvenient facts, facts which certain groups find necessary to maintain their legitimacy and social acceptance. It was confronted with a extraordinarily hostile press, yet despite this managed to win the support of almost 45% of the electorate. So despite all the fear and all the negativity, they only managed to kick the ball down the road, and not put it to rest for a generation. I think the SNP did pretty good and since this is process, the next time this comes around, we are starting from a higher baseline.

            As for this commission: Lets get down to brass tacks. It is a pointless exercise designed to trap the SNP to sign up for something, that will deliver nothing and only cost the SNP its reason for existence. The answer to this is “not going to happen”. This commission will only achieve one thing. get the SNP to resign it and leave the huffers and puffers to it. It won’t have any legitimacy whatsoever. without the support of the SNP its nothing more than hot air.

            As for the “heavy hitters” Annabel Goldie was leader of the scottish tories who oversaw its vote shrink. far from detoxing it, she was simply managing its decline. She also was unable to directly speak to Cameron after 2010 and could only do so through his secretary. She may pleasant and she may even have once been a lawyer, but Lamont was supposedly a teacher. Past jobs do not an effective politician make. She’s room meat.

            Adam Tomkins is more than a prat, he is room meat.

            iain Gray – room meat

            Michael Moore, room meat

            tavish scott – room meat.

            Seriously this is all they had? To me this commission is dead before it got announced. The selection of SNP candidates reflects how seriously the SNP take it. ie: Not very.

            Its as meaningless as petition to have a vow to discuss a plan for having a plan. Which is what sadly a lot of Scots voted No, for.

            • RenateJ says:

              Remember Eck’s red line issue.

            • yesguy says:

              Superbly put Dave.

              I can’t see the SNP worrying too much. Nichola Sturgeon has brought up the vows as a trap. Wait till they have finished the votes for leader and we will get a better view of whats happening and planned.

  24. mogabee says:

    Och Paul, you’re such a tinker! Don’t those two, Rennie and carmichael, just love boasting of saving us from ourselves…

    Brilliantly put.

  25. David says:

    The reference to “People must catch them in lifts” reminded me of this from Wings:

    It’s about how the glorious leader of the Labour Party in Scotland isn’t important enough to get into a lift with Sarwar Jr and Magrit Curran! LOL

  26. Political Tourist says:

    Saddest part of this, is these characters are holding their meeting in Glasgow.
    How they must laugh at us.

  27. A Meringue says:

    Ah! Auchterarder described to me once by a local as “Two miles of misery” It has a good chip shop all the same. Still more relevant than the Lib Dems though!

  28. smiling vulture says:

    It is only Gordie’s recent masterclass performance in being taken for a mug


  29. antimodean says:

    Paul, I have to take issue with you on the following: “…Alistair the prissy Koala …”. I live in a leafy suburb of Brisbane, Australia and I can assure you that you have alienated this sensitive species. They are mortified that they have been likened to a character whose only claim to fame is being a phanny and not a very good one at that. They (Koalas) are essentially surrogate Scots – they just want enough freedom to live their lives in dignity and peace and have the right to choose their own diet – without help from a foodbank.

  30. Sashadistel says:

    Have I got this right Paul? The Libdems are actually saying?We hate the Tories, we hate their policies, what they’ve done but we were happy to campaign alongside them for two years to ask you to stay and maintain that same system?
    In 8 months time we will ask you to vote for us so WE can stay and maintain that same system?
    It would be interesting to see (but I don’t think it would be available ) an FOI to see how much each party contributed to the Better Together Campaign and how much they benefited? I don’t suppose you can put a price on ‘connections and handshakes’ with big business?
    Wullie Rennie for different reasons is as exposed and inept as Johann Lamont, while the sham , where the position of the Secretary of State for Scotland actually working against the people of Scotland ( as those pro was only clarified after 2 yrs of campaigning) really needs to be reviewed.
    The three conferences have shown how stage managed and empty of genuine progressive ideas the 3 parties are at Westminster . The trouble is 2. odd million folk have voted for us all to have suffer this kidology of governance.

  31. macart763 says:

    Aye, Libdems, gotta love em… or mibbies no.

    As for Carmichael’s demands, here’s a wee hint to Labour, Liberal and Tory parliamentarians alike and don’t say we’re no bein’ helpful. Its pointless you bleating to the SNP about promises not to hold another referendum. The SNP aren’t in control of public opinion, they reflect public opinion, which in any democracy is as it should be. They represent, they do not control. Kinda the polar opposite of what the ‘big three’ have been practising for decades.

    If we want another referendum, either consultative or by S30, we’ll bloody well have one because its what we want and we’ll vote for whoever offers it. If we disagree strongly enough with the travel of Westminster policy and we want to vote into power a party which in its manifesto states it will move for immediate settlement and independence we’ll do that too. Its kinda the way politics is meant to work. If you’re not doing a good enough job or we the public, strongly disagree with how we are being served, then we reserve the bloody right to kick your smug, overpaid, over privileged arses out of a job and put in place those who will listen to us and reflect our desires and aspirations. All you have to do is deliver on your pledges. If you don’t (and I don’t think there’s a hope in hell you will), then it’ll be cheerie bye Westminster regardless.

    That folks is why it needn’t be a twenty year wait, because if you want it, you can still have it as and when you, the electorate, say so.

    • Helena Brown says:

      Much I agree with Mac, but it will do no good if we are going to get the same answer. Other trouble is International approval,, look at Catalonia, they are more likely to vote yes, but without assistance from the International Community they might as well not bother. They need someone like the UN, just as we do, not helped by the Governments of Spain and Westminster and their machinations.

      • macart763 says:

        Nothing will have changed between now and say a popular UDI vote in terms of realpolitik Helena. All the things which made Scotland attractive to the international community as part of the campaign will still be there whether its UDI, a consultative referendum or another S30 referendum. There may be some more grumping from the likes of Spain, but the reasons they would have eventually fallen into line won’t have changed and that goes for the rest of the international community.

        On the home front we won’t need to do much. All we need to do is let Westminster be Westminster (they can’t help themselves) and be prepared to repeat to any and all… we told you this would happen. There will be no stopping a call for independence from the public as wave after wave of austerity measures bite and IDS launches round two of welfare reforms. The first budget cut alone to the block grant will see services bite the dust. After 3-5 years trust me, better together won’t feel so good to those who balked on the day. This time though we’re starting from a much higher, far more politically aware and motivated baseline. Westminster have pledges to keep we already know they can’t possibly fulfil, and that’s even if they felt the need to do so, which they don’t. We need to be there and be ready for I’d say the 2020 GE (maybe earlier).

  32. Pam McMahon says:

    Maybe we need a new party – The Scottish Independence Party, which will not prat around in the Devo-God-Only-Knows-What mire? Could encompass all those of us who have joined the SNP as a desperate last resort for desperate people, looking for an independent Scotland before we actually drop dead, disillusioned Socialists who despair of the current Labour party, Greens/Lib Dems, academics and innovators who want a forward-thinking and compassionate society.
    There is a lot of support out there at the minute and we really need a party which will represent ALL our views.
    Maybe time at last to take back control of the country which has had independent sovereignty for almost 1,000 years.

  33. John Munro says:

    The 5th paragraph of this had me retching with laughter. As someone who suffers from piles I wondered about the therapeutic effects of sticking Danny Alexander, up my arse, head first.

    • Meaban Beag says:

      Dont know about therapeutic, but do please post the video, he will have plenty diary time available after the election

  34. I always laugh at the whole ‘financial markets fled Montreal’ thing. Do you know what they did? They replaced them with other less cowardly businesses thanks to the comprehensive tax powers they have. Something which the unionist parties are falling over themselves to rule out. All the ‘uncertainty’ is created by their irresponsibility and utter stupidity of the unionist parties.

  35. Great laugh, Paul.

    I have to agree with Steve Asaneilean. There’s no use slagging off devo whatever. We now need to fight to achieve the maximum powers possible. Otherwise the Scottish Parliament will be neutered and Westminster will allow Scotland to sink down their list of priorities.

    Get your submissions in — that includes you too, Paul — demand what Brown promised, make the case for a federal system. If the commission receives thousands of submissions demanding this then it will be difficult to ignore. And if they do, then it’s more ammunition against the Westminster system.

  36. David Agnew says:

    I feel that we should treat this process with the contempt it deserves. It is clear that they intend to offer us nothing, that does not first have the condition of giving up our claim to independence as the price of admission. There is no point arguing for more powers, we won’t get them. Browns promise was hot air. He is a back bench MP with no influence. Same with Darling, same with wee Ruthie, the same with Lamont, who incidentally just called for is to bend the knee accept heehaw and get on with voting labour again. Ah yes labour, with the numbing inevitability of a B movie villain they are once again saying only they can prevent a Tory government. The only institution who can give us more powers is Westminster – they not going to do it and no “petition” is going to make a difference. The SNP & the Greens, now need to look to formulating a strategy for winning both large number of Westminster seats and holyrood seats. – we need to start thinking of how we start from the higher baseline of 45% and win this thing for good.

    Commission for powers with the punters being asked for the ideas, reminds me of Tony Blair’s Big Conversation. Utterly pointless except it kept people distracted from what was really going on. And that is all this commission is – a distraction.

  37. Surely the best way of putting forward recommendations (ie supported by a large number of voters) is for someone like yourself to ask ordinary folk to sign up to a petition supporting your proposals.
    Then submit that/those to Smith
    Anyone good quality blogger with a large ‘readership’ could do this?
    You could achieve this in a heartbeat?

  38. carthannas says:

    Reading this, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I ended up doing both. Dìreach sgoinneil Paul!

  39. […] Garden gnomes and koalas […]

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