I was going to blog something about the Lib Dem conference which was held in Glasgow this weekend, but what’s the point? Does anyone actually give a toss what Vince Cable thinks? Even the rest of the Lib Dems don’t care. You do better blogging about the minutes of the last meeting of the Auchterarder Market Gardens and Allotments Association summer outing subcommittee, which unlike the Lib Dems has a purpose and is at least going somewhere. Other than serving as enablers so one or other of the twin Tory parties can continue to take buggin’s turn as the government of the day, the Lib Dems have no purpose, and most likely no future either.
But since the Auchterarder Market Gardens and Allotments Association are far too important and weighty and Scotland voted No so we aren’t allowed to talk about important stuff, the Lib Dems will have to do. Their conference can be summed up in three sentences: What a pointless waste of time. Can I get the last 48 hours of Danny’s Alexander’s life back please. I’d like to do something inventive with them.
The Lib Dems vie with Gordie Broon for the title of Biggest Suckers in British Politics. It is only Gordie’s recent masterclass performance in being taken for a mug that has pushed them out of pole position in the rankings. They can’t even win at being losers. Gordie has been vowed the trophy, which he achieved during the final days of the referendum campaign by turning the word ego into a verb, only to discover that he’d been strung along like an overpuffed balloon and then burst by Davie Cameron’s wee prick. It was the biggest explosion of a bag of noxious gas since Gordie mistakenly chose the beans during that fateful dinner with Tony Blair.
However Lib Dem party strategists have clearly decided to fight the General Election campaign on a platform of: We really hate the Tories too. No honestly. They’re beastly. We said so all along, under our breath while Michael Gove wasn’t listening. They bullied us into supporting them, they really did. It wasn’t our fault. We’ll support Labour if you like.
Despite the delusional nature of their self belief, the Lib Dems maintain a cheerful disposition, founded entirely upon the proposition that come 2015 everyone will forget that Danny Alexander has spent the past five years as George Osborne’s suppository. Danny has found his calling as the greasy slime which permits the smooth passage of Osborne’s parliamentary motions. And then there’s that vow that a lot of people are itching to pay them back for. No, not the Scottish one. The tuition fees one that lasted as long as it took to say ministerial motor. Though that wasn’t a vow, if memory serves it was only a solemn pledge signed in blood. Or in Menzies Campell’s case, formaldehyde.
But even the harshest critic would have to admit that the situation is not entirely dire. The Lib Dems have escaped most of the blame for Gordie’s disemvowment, but that’s only because we already have Nick Clegg’s tea oot for the student loans thing and being a second rate Tory when the original version was third rate to begin with.
Yesterday saw Wee Wullie Rennie and Alistair Carmichael launch into a fearsome attack on the SNP, like being savaged by an elderly and toothless Yorkie and its chew toy.
Wullie has given the SNP a wee test, because he’s learned how to do them after someone showed him how to put a wee tick in the multiple choice box. And if he got it right he got a smartie. That’s how he got the job as Lib Dem leader in Holyrood – well that and the fact there was no one else left.
Wullie said that the SNP and independence were like Gollum and his preciousssss, which he would know a lot about, since he had a non-speaking part in the fillum as a garden gnome. I always thought he was wasted in politics. Wullie has a face that you usually see in a DC Thompson cartoon, like the offspring of Daphne and Desperate Dan, and he could have a weekly series of misadventures and homespun philosophy with his pal Alistair the prissy Koala in the pull out section of the Sunday Post. It would at least add to the sum total of human happiness in a small but significant way.
Instead he’s wasting his enormous natural talent on making up a test for the SNP before he’ll let them play with the Smith Commission on further devolution. He’s helpfully provided only one option for the tick box, which is helpfully labelled ‘wrong answer’. Wullie thinks this is a cunning ruse and he’s set a very clever trap. Awwwww. Someone give him a smartie.
The test consists of a vow, there’s a lot of those going around just now. People must catch them in lifts, like Yes voters with a cold and other viruses of nationalism. The SNP have got to vow not to tell the Smith Commission they want an unstable form of devolution that will only lead to independence. Wullie doesn’t actually know what an unstable form of devolution is, seeing as how no one is very sure what a stable variety would look like, but he does know that unstable will be what the Lib Dems call absolutely any proposal put forward by the SNP.
Meanwhile the Koalamichael is getting agitated about another referendum, and wants the SNP to rule it out forever. Because if the people of Scotland are not told once and for all that they can never change their minds ever, not even if circumstances change, then it will be just like Quebec where they keep having new referendums. Then Edinburgh will turn into Montreal and this will be very bad for the banks because all the ATMs will be in French. The thrust of the argument being that the self-interest of the finance industry is more important than silly little things like democracy, or vows not being kept by balloons.
And this pretty much sums up the attitude of the Westminster parties, whether it’s the Blue Tories, the Red Tories, the Purple Raving Nigel Fan Club Tories, or the Yellow Greasy Enabling Tories – all of them believe that it’s only the populace which should be held to any sort of commitment, never their own party. All that’s left for us is to be lectured by a garden gnome and a stuffed toy koala on an entitlement kick.
Let’s kick them out.