Upstaged by an autocue

I’ve been watching parts of the Tory party conference. Not much of it, as the human body is only so strong and watching the entire proceedings would take at least four packets of immodium and a ball gag to stop me screaming swerry wurds. Even, I’m ashamed to say, the one starting with c and ending with t. But that doesn’t feel strong enough, and Scottish lefty viewers of Conservative conferences are left with the appalling realisation that the English language is inadequate to the task. Davie Cameron is a fracking oleaginous clapped out bellend, and the only reason he’s not a wanker as well is because he’s so useless he’s incapable of doing anything for himself.

OK. I’ve got that out my system now. A detox session is vital after watching a selfishness of Tories – that’s the proper collective noun in case you were wondering. You get George Osborne announcing tax breaks for better off pensioners – Tory voters – telling us with his narrow lips that individuals are the best judges of how to spend their money. Vote for me, peasants. And then you get Iain Duncan Smith, the man who makes Lex Luthor seem like Mahatma Gandhi, saying that the poorest families on benefits will no longer get all their income in cash that they can be the best judges of how to spend. They’ll get prepaid cards that can only be used to purchase set items. Poor people who aren’t a core Tory voting group need to have their spending decisions made for them by Iain Duncan Smith.  Iain Duncan Smith is an anagram of ‘dun in maniac shit’. That’s probably significant.

On Wednesday we had Davie’s keynote speech. They’re called keynote because yer average Westminster politician could just sing through the musical scales repeatedly and impart the same information content. Conference pledges have the same relationship to reality as Gordie Broon. But what he did vow, because they’re all very keen on vows these days, was ‘English votes for English laws’. This is also a vow to unvow the vow that he vowed to Scotland, but vows made to non-Conservative voters don’t count, and no one is going to lose any sleep over losing the parliamentary support of David Mundell. It’s like the Rebel army losing an Ewok, only not as cutesy.

English votes for English laws is a slogan which has caught the headlines in a way its logical partner – Scottish votes for Scottish laws – never could. The prono papers have never troubled themselves over much with Scotland getting what it votes for. However England must always get what it votes for at all times and under all circumstances. This is only democratic. Scotland doesn’t get the same consideration. But hey, we voted No. So we get what we’re given and we lump it now that the option of leaving it has been taken off the table along with the cereal.

Labour has taken the humph, not so much because Davie’s entirely predictable move screws over the expectations of Scotland, but because it screws over the British Labour party. British Labour is not going to stand for that kind of affront, not to their own power and influence. What’s really bugging them is that a legal prohibition on Scottish MPs voting on English laws in effect creates two tiers of MP. Scottish MPs who cannot vote on key government policies which only affect England would be unlikely to hold any major offices of state. No more Scottish prime ministers. Anything that gets in the way of a British Labour MP and a career opportunity is terribly bad for democracy.

The worst of it is that one or other of this sorry bunch of shiny egos are going to be the next government.

The Sarah Smith Stardust Show had a detailed and incisive forensic examination of what all this means for the vow, which consisted of some shots of the Action Krankie at the Tory party conference looking smug because she got to sit next to Davie’s missus, followed by Jackson Carlaw assuring us that it was all just fine and not to worry our silly wee heids because the Conservatives are utterly committed to delivering loads and loads of devolution goodies. All of which was uttered with the same conviction and self belief as US Civil War general John Sedgewick, whose last words were allegedly an attempt to rouse his beleaguered troops into action by shouting “The Confederates couldn’t shoot an elephant from this dist…. ”

It was that subatomic exploration of the issues that we’ve come to know and love from BBC Scotland. Like when scientists looked very closely at the structure of the atom and discovered that what seems to be solid consists largely of empty space and very little matter. So it was quite appropriate really. No wonder Pacific Quay management is so pleased with its referendum coverage.

This was followed by Newsnight for Grownups with a package from political editor Allegra Stratton giving a summary of all the important points to be taken from Davie’s speech. Allegra is concerned with the Big Picture, not that parochial subatomic stuff. She mentioned the UKIP problem, she mentioned the EU problem, she mentioned the promise to protect NHS spending, she spent an inordinate amount of time talking about Davie’s latest tax cut wheeze, and she even found time to point out the importance of the autocue and how Davie used it to avoid the oops I forgot that £1.5 trillion deficit faux pas Ed Miliband committed when he gave his keynote conference speech – the one with the bum notes. There was nae mention of any tartan related vow in wedding font lettering. Not even the English votes for English laws one never mind the Scottish one. And Gordie Broon’s petition doesn’t rate a mention anywhere, and neither does Gordie.

So it’s official. Scotland has less importance for UK party politics than an autocue. Probably that’s because autocues only say what they’re told to and someone else writes their script.

But here’s an ironic wee factoid. In 2007 when Gordie Broon launched his leadership campaign at the British Labour party conference, he managed to deliver the entire speech with the autocue obscuring his face. They do say history repeats itself, and for the second time in his life Gordie has been upstaged by an autocue.

70 comments on “Upstaged by an autocue

  1. cuddyback says:

    Cameron = jeremy hunt
    Brown = media stunt

    Nothing we didn’t know already.

    Next step? 59 yessers in Westminster in 2015?

  2. bjsalba says:

    I prefer looking at the autocue to looking at GB.

  3. JimnArlene says:

    You’re a better man than I, there’s no way I could watch the smarmy gits.

  4. diabloandco says:

    Thanks for watching the hideous ,saves me the bother.

    I’m sure with your grasp of languages you could come up with a devastating description – “bellend” doesn’t do it for me ,partly because I don’t understand the reference.

  5. maczinzan says:

    Labour No voters should be made to watch the Tory party conference on a loop to make them realise the damage they’ve done!

  6. For s dancer says:

    Did you miss the bit where Boris, after stating that London was still the capital of four countries, invited Tories to purr!!!!!!!

    • Jim IVY Morris says:

      Boris Mocking the PM and poor David having to grin and bare it! Did we witness the hand over of leadership of the Party and the countries?

  7. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    I am glad somebody watched that for me. I would think a holiday crowdfund would be in order along with some counselling.

  8. Thank for your sacrifice, sir. Extra garlic bread for you tonight!

  9. Mosstrooper says:

    @diadloand co

    Helpful factoid.

    Shh! not knowing what a bellend is and announcing said fact rather points to one being a belllend.

  10. Mosstrooper says:

    or even a bellend.

  11. Nana says:

    I’m happy to say I do not watch tv any more. My blood pressure was under far too much strain and stress so tv got the heave-ho.

    The last thing I want to see is the ugly face of a tory or a labour politician and as for Gordy Broon may he rot in hell.

  12. Sashadistel says:

    I watched the headlines and checked the newspaper headlines for today and got the impression alls well in media land Engerland. The same impression I got last week here in Scotland now that Gordon was on the case.
    I saw one headline saying The Herald and Scotsman are to reduce their staff, which may cause some sub -editing from out with Scotland.
    Do they seriously think anyone will notice?
    Altogether now- we’re not listening anymore , we’re not listening anymore…

  13. I’ve now had enough…you are right Paul, there is no real collective noun for a tory gathering, I don’t particularly like to use the C word and prefer to keep it for those very rare occasions where I am just at a total loss to describe the depraved dressed up as decent. I despair instead. despair. I forget that I lived through all the Thatcher years too with all those bell enders like Cecil Parkinson or John Selwyn Gummer and his ilk of those who were born and bred to rule. So fuck Great Britain. Just fuck it. There – I feel better now. Thanks.

  14. I have reduced my meds since stopping to read the MSM and watch BBC.

    That is honestly the truth.

  15. For the Tories, collectively; how about

    An Ordure
    A Coven
    A Tea party (Brooke Bond Chimps version) the old ones are the best

    soon to be

    An Irrelevance

    I’ll need to go back on the booze to get better inspiration.

  16. macart763 says:

    Yeah, you can see what’s coming like a dark cloud on the horizon.

    Maybe its just me but I’m still having fits of rage swiftly followed by periods of despair and sympathy for all Scots up to and including those who voted no from fear and ignorance.

    In one breath I’m cursing them black and blue and in the next I’m damn near in tears for what we’re all going to go through in the interim between now and inevitable independence. It didn’t have to be this way, that was kind of the whole point of a mutually agreed, legal democratic vote. Now its going to be the hard road with a lot of people going through some very tough times and getting increasingly more angry as they see their vote of loyalty to the union chucked back in their faces with scorn and hardship.

    In the past couple of weeks I’ve already met people who regretted their choice, I’ve also met those who crowed about their victory as if they’d won something worth having. War, austerity, a cold class split and uncaring society, economic carnage and a governance of liars and users. Well, big whoop.

    Most especially down my way in the south west where the Borders returned their big no vote, well they really are in for a shock come the EU referendum. All those rural and farming communities who voted no and who are so heavily reliant on the EU for a plethora of subsidies really didn’t think through the consequences of their actions. They never thought to ask themselves just what happens if the ever right wing middle England vote in the EU referendum takes them out of Europe and access to those funds? Do they fondly think WM will make up the difference? Do they think their loyalty will be repaid? The only folk who will give a damn will be those with no power to help.

    On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I think, who gives a toss? Where were they when the rest of Scotland needed them? On every other day I’m wondering how we can help them when the other shoe drops and farming communities go through an economic grinder?

    But mostly I reserve nothing but rage and contempt for those Tory parties (CONLABLIB), who have brought about all of our current situation to pass.

    • A Meringue says:

      When it comes to No voters I have given up all pretext of politeness and call them for the spineless f*****g parasites that they are.

      • macart763 says:

        Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays. Especially the arse I met just yesterday crowing about it all. I could happily have planted him on his arse, but I can wait. I’m a patient guy when it comes to repaying people in kind and I intend to rub his kisser right in it as his Labour ‘heroes’ get their arses handed to them in the very near future. 😉

      • Well A Meringue, at least you are no Jelly?

        • hornygoloch says:

          My mother voted no. Her reasons were her own and not mine. But I guess that in your view, Meringue, that makes her a “spineless f***ing parasite”. Thanks for that. But I guess that if I pointed out your comment she’d just say that it proves to her yet again that the yes campaign too often relies on abuse rather than argument. This is no way to win her over.

          • Don’t put words in my mouth, thank you.

            You are a concern troll with a bit of inventive lying diversion and I claim my £50.00

            Bugger off please.

            • hornygoloch says:

              Bugger (the Panda): I’m uncertain – were your remarks directed at me? If so, I’m sorry if you felt I was putting words into your mouth. My remarks were directed towards Meringue’s post, not at you, and I apologise if I didn’t make that sufficiently clear.

        • A Meringue says:

          Honestly there is a family near me Mum and Dad are in their sixties with two grown up sons one married with a couple of kids and one divorced and a part time dad. Mostly decent folk. None of them have been in long term employment for years. the sons get occasional laboring jobs. All of them rely on benefits. Now despite me warning them about what Osbourne and IDS had in store for them and they accepted my warning as fact. And yet they all voted no. Why? For it wasn’t loyalty to their country and not even to their own families but to a stupid f*****g football team. I ask you what do you do with that kind of mentality?

          • macart763 says:

            Nothing ma friend, not a damn thing. With what’s coming they will be brought to face a harsh reality. The football team won’t pay the bills, feed the family or provide care when somebody falls ill. For some its going to take real hardship before being faced with the inescapable fact that their ‘heroes’ won’t be there to return the favour of blind loyalty and that they will be no replacement for a system governance that actually gives a shit.

            • A Meringue says:

              Aye Mac I could give more examples of blind loyalty. Another No voter that I am acquainted with. On the saturday before the vote He approached me at the street stall and claimed that he had studied economics and in his opinion independence was financial suicide. I asked him where he got his data from. He told me he got his “facts” from the IFS. I told him that like all computations if you put shite in you will get shite out!

              The same guy makes his living playing the (bag)pipes He gets most of his work from the British Legion. He is always going off to Normandy and playing at war memorials etc. He proudly informed me that “no one is more Scottish than himself” WTF! I asked him if he ever played the pipes at the annual commemorations of Wallace Day, Bannockburn, Culloden, Sheriffmuir or Stirling Brig? If he did I didn’t see him there. He couldn’t even tell me the dates of the above events. The epitome of a “Proud Scot”

              I just cant get my head around these idiots way of thinking.

              • macart763 says:

                Its the one fucking phrase I never want to hear uttered in my presence – a proud Scot but…

                I’m not proud of a country that apparently values a system of privilege, patronage, corporate and political nepotism, wars historical and current, greed and graft. A country that apparently likes to encourage an unhealthy dose of political and corporate intimidation mixed with its democratic processes. A country that is willing to let the poor, dispossessed and disenfranchised act as scapegoats for the actions of the privileged few and starve where they live on our streets.

                No, I’m NOT a proud Scot.

                • Macart 763

                  I am a Proud Scot but, I am not proud of too many of my fellow Scots.


                  • A Meringue says:

                    On the subject of “Proud Scots”. My stint as a polling agent at my local primary school was from 6pm till 8pm. I made the effort and put on my best kilt along with a charcoal grey tweed argyle jacket and matching hose. (Every little helps!) An elderly couple (80`s?) that live near me commented on how smart I looked before they went into a huddle with the No polling agent shaking hands etc.

                    Unusually I met up with the same couple on the friday after the vote. “Have you no got your kilt on the day son?” one of them croaked. I replied that “today of all days for the first time in my life I am ashamed to be Scottish!” To be honest I think that it went right over their heads.

                  • macart763 says:

                    Just Mac is fine BtP. A good distinction and maybe I’ll feel better after we get some distance away from it all. The meeja especially have somewhat spoilt the phrase for me just now.

  17. mary says:

    Yes a right shower of basterts but then we always kent that grrrrrrr

  18. Your’e a martyr to the cause !! I tried three shots at it each lasting less than fifteen seconds even tried with the sound off … the leary faces would have frightened the craws !!!

  19. Jan Cowan says:

    I love the implied combination of Mundell and cutsey. It’s so good to be able to laugh and not dwell too much on the crazy result for we must focus on plans for the future. Let’s hope the feardie gowks have learned their lesson. And let’s hope our own TV channel is up and running soon. It will be great to watch the box again!

  20. seanair says:

    Current Labour MPs for Scottish constituencies must be shitting themselves. Every chance that they will lose their seat in the next election, but if elected then unable to vote on English matters, and not able to do anything about devolved matters. Hardly worth one day a week in London, so what will they do with themselves? Ultimate horror is for Some Tory MP to put forward a Bill to cut their salaries by half in recognition that they are not full-time Members.

  21. faolie says:

    “No one is going to lose any sleep over losing the parliamentary support of David Mundell.” Exactimon. Quite why Cameron included anything at all about Scotland in his speech was beyond me really. I mean, what was the point? He doesn’t need us to win the GE and if he reneges on ‘the vow’ then we can’t hate him and his types any more than we do already.

    His target is UKIP and the Labour party, whereas Ed needs to fight UKIP, the tories, AND the evil nationalists. In fact, if Davie does renege on the Vow, it would just impact Scottish Labour MPs….oh, wait, whaahahaha

  22. Duties cut, salaries cut, no chance at any of the top, big money making jobs, wonder if that will make any Labour hopefuls change their minds about indy. Indy would give them full time jobs, good salaries, and a much better chance of a turn at the top. What’s not to like!

  23. The Earthshaker says:

    Excellent as always, the best description of the Tories i’ve heard is that they are like Victorian undertakers looking forward to a cold winter and in case you haven’t seen it here a mashup of David Cameron’s speech, it does contain sweary words so be warned

    I loved your ’15 mins of relevance’ line from the previous post as well, i might steal it.

  24. arthur thomson says:

    Thank you Paul. Monitoring the unwatchable is a vital service to the rest of us. If no-one else will, I will apologise for the misrepresentation of hornygoloch’s mum. It’s hard not to generalise when one is feeling livid. Let’s try – I just mean try – to get back to Margo’s thought that some people are slower learners than others, often just because of their life experience. Easy for me to say in this moment peace. I am just as likely to get livid any time soon.

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