Fat-cats and hangdog looks

We’ve been blowed again, because of an opinion poll showing that the gap between Yes and No is within the margin of error, just like the last one that showed the gap between Yes and No was within the margin of error with Yes 1% ahead. Funny thing indypolling error, it only ever errs on the one side. That would be the side of a blow for alicsammin. Rarely have so many been so blown since a Roman emperor last held an orgy.

We got blowed again on the very day that Davie Cameron came to Scotland to do his impression of an abandoned puppy telling us that independence is for life not just for Christmas. Poor Davie with the hangdog eyes told us he was going to be heartbroken and tried to make us feel guilty. Meanwhile Boris Johnson and half the Tory back bench are standing by a canal with a sack, a stack of bricks, and looking impatient. Perhaps they could tempt him over with a bowl of cereal.

It’s not about kicking out the effin Tories, pleaded Davie desperately with a tear in his eye as he thought about his place in the history books. Oh yes it effin is Davie. As he keeps reminding us every time he gets involved, he doesn’t have a vote and so can’t get involved, and I think that means it’s us who get to tell him what this vote is about, and not him tell us. The Tories are going to eff Davie if there’s a Yes. There’s a lovely wee bonus prize.

Ed Miliband was in Glasgow, where he felt it was important that voters in the referendum understood that during WW2 his dad was stationed in Scotland for a few months. Eh, no, I’m not really sure of the relevance either. He mentioned solidarity a lot. And Keir Hardie. The Jarrow March. Fighting the Nazis. And the miners’ strike. Oh. No, not the miners’ strike. Labour opposed that … eh … NHS! Welfare state! Cuddly Toy! And solidarity, lots of that, power to the people as long as they have a politics, philosophy and economics degree from Oxford. Keep that solidarity conveyor belt moving, and try to forget that Labour is a conveyor belt for turning your aspirations into their seats in the Lords. Eat your cereal.

Ed was also keen to tell us that independence is forever. Long time that is. Foreverevereverever. That’s much longer than it will take the Sun to use up all its hydrogen and then expand in a big red firey ball and consume the Earth. It’s much longer than it will take the fabric of the universe to stretch out so far that the very bonds that hold atoms together will dissolve and the universe will die with a whimper in a thin soup of lifeless particles. Forever is even longer than it takes the Labour party to deliver on the abolition of the House of Lords, although not by much. So if you’re waiting on the arrival of a big red firey thing to burn away the disfiguring privilege and self-rewarding patronage of the Westminster system, you’d be better off with the death of the sun than the Labour party. The sun will expand and consume the Earth in about three and a half billion years and is unlikely to be deterred by a Westminster sub-committee and a series of written objections from Baron Warmonger of Safeseatshire. Labour will take some while longer, although to be fair it has already turned into a thin whimpering soup of lifeless particles. Just keep that solidarity subsidy rolling in like a blank cheque.

Nick Clegg was lost in the Borders someplace. He was probably warning that independence is forever too, but no one has listened to Nick since 2010. He’s the one hit wonder who hangs about in the hope that he’ll develop into a minor cult. He’s succeeded richly in this, if you overlook the fact that he’s out by one letter. Nick understands forever. It’s the period of time that will elapse before anyone will ever again believe a word he says.

I’m not entirely clear why the No campaign has suddenly decided to tell us that independence is forever, perhaps they’re trying to appeal to that segment of the electorate which is confused between “national sovereignty and self-determination” and a trial subscription to Woollens Monthly. That’ll be PatronisingBTLady then. Look out for October’s special edition featuring macramé mug cosies, hand knitted currency unions, a sexy tweed thong for Paul, and comfort blankets for distraught MPs.

Most Scottish people have by now grasped the concept that independence is not like a fortnight’s holiday, and for those who have already decided to vote Yes, the foreveriness part of it is one of the major attractions. No more nuclear missiles, forever. No more Etonian Tory Prime Ministers, forever. No more Scottish Labour policies being determined by the need to chase after UKIP voters in Essex, forever. No more governments we didn’t vote for, forever – or at least until the arrival of our alien lizard overlords from Alpha Centauri in the 23rd century. It is true to say that Scotland will not be as prepared for this event as the rest of the UK, which will already have had centuries practising for life under alien lizard overlords, and will scarcely notice the difference. This may be the only positive case for the Union which has any credibility left. After two years of Project Fear, the mass emoting of the Westminster leaders was more than a little creepy, like a bouquet from a stalker.

Project Fear is of course continuing unabated, only more so as Westminster politicians frantically begged for favours from future members of the Lords. There was another blow again after all the banks announced that they are going to leave if we vote Yes because Scotland is the only country on the planet that can’t have any currency at all. And they’ll take all the cash machines, and your credit card, and those wee plastic bags for loose change and all the artificial plants. No one will ever get a mortgage ever again, and you’ll have to stay with your parents and you and your significant other will have to have sex really really quietly. But the annoying recorded message phone calls that tell you you might have a claim for PPI compensation will still disturb you when you’re trying to have very very quiet sex on a Saturday morning when your dad’s a bit hung over and your maw has popped out for the messages – only they’ll call twice as often. But that will only be a problem until your parents’ phone gets cut off because they can’t pay the bill because money won’t exist. And your maw won’t get any messages because there won’t be any money. Then we’ll all starve to death. And Davie’s heart will be broken, because that’s what happens when bankers fear they might have to operate in a country where they could be regulated.

Oh, and the oil companies are all leaving too. Even that wee petrol station on the way to Oban. There’s no oil left and Oban is far too volatile, and no one will want to buy any of the Scottish oil that there isn’t any left of anyway, on account of Scotland not being allowed to have any money at all. So that’s us telt then. It’s all so uncertain and there aren’t any answers to ridiculous questions. Yes, I am so treating you like a grown up. Just eat your cereal and vote No.

The No campaign will be ratcheting up the pressure over the next week, although if the pitch of hysteria gets any higher there won’t be an unshattered windae in the country. Politicians will be calling in favours and making promises to business people and journalists as they attempt to find new ways to scare and intimidate. Don’t be scared by the scaredy fat-cats.

They hope that we’re going to bottle it, and then they can breathe a collective sigh of relief and get back to business as usual – the usual business of ignoring and sidelining us. Keep firm, keep steady, keep your eye on the prize and in a few short days we can neuter the fat-cats and put the politicians on a short leash. They’re already squealing. They’re afraid of what we might do to them. Keep your nerve and let’s keep them squealing.


I won’t be writing anything over the next few days as it’s Andy’s funeral on Saturday.  It’s going to be an emotional day.  I plan to post a wee eulogy for him on the day, but apart from that for the next few days I’ll post some guest posts.  I know Andy would want me to keep posting over the last few days of the campaign, so I will be back with you on Monday.  I’m doing this for Andy.



64 comments on “Fat-cats and hangdog looks

  1. Bamstick says:

    Thanks again
    A breath of hilarious fresh air.
    Look after yourself.

  2. nicolanhs says:

    I just wanted to say that I read your posts all the time and have done for ages.

    You are by far my favourite and you have made me cry more than once.

    I hope you keep going and keep working for Scotland whatever the outcome next week. You have had both a terrible and a great year and I felt awful for you for the loss of Andy.

    That you still manage to post and write in the way that you do will make him very proud – as it does all of those who feel as if they know you from by reading a blog now and again.

    It will be a very hard weekend for you but I wish you strength to cope in the way you want to and laughter with the many friends you both share. He will always be there.



  3. Swinny says:

    Take care.

  4. Margaret Anderson says:

    Brilliant as always. Thanks for keeping our spirits up. Take care of yourself and will be thinking of you on Saturday. x

  5. Andy says:

    Your creativity, and ability to get the point over in such a humourous way is a joy to read after the doom and gloom of the last few days. The end is nigh and it won’t be the end of the world, simply the start of a new one for us. They have tried everything; guilt, media bias, fear, threats, love, extortion, bankruptcy, bombing, isolation, everything except humour. I am sure there is more to come over the next week, possibly even some they have not tried yet. We just have to stand firm and not waver. Laughing at them helps a lot, I just think of the number of changes of underwear they have to bring with them and that cheers me up no end. They must be changing ten times a day, they are shitting themselves.

  6. David M says:

    Thanks for taking the time this week Paul to as always, entertain and inform! I know it can’t be easy. Take care.

  7. macart763 says:

    The best place for dissection on the interwebby bar none.

    Take care Paul and I hope the sun shines on Saturday.

  8. Ach cheeky as ever Wee Dug !!! Great writing Thank you!!

  9. Graeme says:

    Fantastic, truthful and humerous as ever. Keep up the great work, I and many others enjoy it and share it widely. Take care and stay strong.

  10. Top form, WGD, bloody toppers.

  11. hektorsmum says:

    Thank you Paul for bringing relief and a smile. You are Scotland, the best bit. One of her true sons,
    Like all here. may all go well on Saturday, we will be thinking of you.

  12. JimW says:

    “Ed was also keen to tell us that independence is forever”.
    Oh I hope he’s effin’ right in this if in nothing else.

  13. Steve Bowers 74% win says:

    Take care dude.

  14. hiorta says:

    Look after yourself. Thank You.

    Any Scot who votes for these posh-boy millionaires is terminally deluded.

  15. John Duncanson says:

    As always inspiring, and hilarious.( possibly the Yes campaign’s secret weapon?) And, did I read somewhere that the patronising BT woman is an actor who admits she’s voting Yes – can anyone confirm that? Tha gaol mor agad, airson di sathurniadh.

  16. david says:

    Brilliant as always. All of us who love your work will take a moment on Saturday, can I be cheeky and ask what time?

  17. Barbara Reid says:

    I’ve thought many times that one thing the No side is missing is humour. My experience is that they tend to be angry. I’ve been challenged many times on the doorstep, street and in the Info Centre. They should shake off their anger by supporting Yes and playing some Proclaimers music. They’ll soon be smiling.

  18. You made me cry with laughter. Pure Class.

  19. Can someone please, who is going to the Crematorium, contact me


    I would like to be there but can not.

    Maybe we can all be there?


  20. Robert Graham says:

    well done you even with all that’s going on in your life just now you take the time to cheer us up i laughed out loud reading this you really deserve a wider audiance your thoughts have been uplifting and very very funny i hope over the next few days our regard for you helps you as much as you help us be good

  21. erruanne says:

    like Jim Sillars who has had to put his grief on hold, you are a star I think in managing to put together your posts in this frantic historical time. Thank you, and Andy will forever be in your heart.

  22. Clive Pulman says:

    As a Sassenach who is hoping for a Yay for ulterior motives I should like to say how much I have enjoyed your posts since I stumbled upon you from I dunno where, this one in particular gets to the nub which our Lords and Masters just don’t get. You guys are lucky to have a vote for something real, we poor English have to soldier on whatever with the omnishambles of government.

    The upsides of a Yay vote for me are that it should mean no more Labour election wins and that it would in my very humble opinion make it more likely that we should be able in relatively short order be able to throw off the shackles of the EUSSR. I don’t care much about Scotland being independent, what difference do people really think that would make? If, god forbid, I should ever want to go live there I should still be able to so what’s the big issue?

    There are apparently over half a million non Scots with a vote, I am guessing there are many more Scots living abroad that do not have a say, one might ask what that is all about?

    Imvho this is just another boondoggle for Suits of all flavours, I can think of no politician in my life time that has ever done anything much for me or mine, we should I feel probably be better off without them, but that ain’t happening so we may as well just grin and bear it.

    I wish the people of Scotland all the best irrespective of the vote and would like to extend my condolences on your loss.

  23. Jan Cowan says:

    Thank you, Paul. Will be thinking of you on Saturday and look forward to your return. All best wishes.

  24. Mythril says:

    Andy would be very proud of the way you are keeping working. Lots of love.

  25. Hope it goes well on Saturday, Paul. Best wishes from Michael and me and a virtual big hug. @everyone else: I was at the press conference when Nick Robinson got his just dessert from Alex Salmond. Here is my video of it. I wasn’t expecting NR to heckle Eck so I missed that bit but I recorded Alex’s reaction to it. Also, you get to hear the audience challenging NR on his first question and the press and invited guests laughing at NR better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp8gYWUnKCc&list=UUryQU1dVED4DzPLdB9vQcwQ

  26. bloo says:

    Beautifully put as ever. Take care

  27. Carol Jardine says:

    I lurk mostly, and love to come here to read your wonderful ‘musings’. Thinking of you. With love and much respect.

  28. Paul, I’ll also be at a funeral on Saturday, the local postmaster who I’ve known for over 40 years in a small Sutherland village was taken ill suddenly and passed away. Privatising the Royal Mail only made things more difficult for him to retire, as he had wanted to do because of ill health for several years. He wasn’t very old either, I don’t think anyone in their 50’s and 60’s should be considered old! But he kept going because it was the source for pensions and all sorts for anyone with no way to get to the next one. So when I attend that, I’ll keep a wee thought for yourself and your partner Andy….we’ve travelled a ways together on the path to Scotland’s freedom, Ye have my deepest sympathy and I do look forward to more of your writing, because it also inspired me to write more on the same subjects, the fight for our nation! With ye in spirit!
    C uime ‘labhras an righ mu ‘n uaigh?
    Threig a thuar an laoch
    Biodh solas mu anam-sa shuas.

  29. Hugh Wallace says:

    Reblogged this on Are We Really Better Together? and commented:
    They hope that we’re going to bottle it, and then they can breathe a collective sigh of relief and get back to business as usual – the usual business of ignoring and sidelining us. Keep firm, keep steady, keep your eye on the prize and in a few short days we can neuter the fat-cats and put the politicians on a short leash. They’re already squealing. They’re afraid of what we might do to them. Keep your nerve and let’s keep them squealing.

  30. I’m not sure if I’m being presumptuous, I try to offer solace, and I quote from a Gaelic Scholar, another Gillies, on the concept of the parting, as it is inscribed on the face of the Glenfinnan monument, and as a Gael would consider it. ” When the human being dies we always say chaochail e—he has changed—the exact same word that we use when the face of the sky changes or the weather. We also say shiubhail e—he has gone on his journey, just as we say when a man leaves home on a journey.” This would parallel with your planting of the Rowan tree, …Chaochail e…..

  31. J Galt says:

    Lets not beat about the bush – in these last few desperate days the Scottish people are being exposed to the Face of Evil.

    The British Establishment does not expose it’s fangs lightly, prefering more subtle means of oppression. Generally only when it’s in existential struggle is the Evil Face exposed, a perfect example being during the Great Miner’s Strike of 1984.

    These are truly vital hours. God knows you have every right to have time to grieve and also celebrate Andy’s life on Saturday but I also welcome your grim determination to be back in the front line come Monday.


  32. JimnArlene says:

    Fantastic as usual, we are coming on Saturday to show you our support, and help you through this difficult time. Take care mucker.

  33. Nigel Mace says:

    You really are a remarkable man, Paul. Back on top form and that is as fine a tribute to your Andy as any fine eulogy – and it will be a fine one – that you post. The gift to make such mirth possible on such serious matters at such a testing personal time is – well, a stand-out capacity, brilliantly displayed, and all without pretension or puff. I’ve been trying to work out the variation in vocal strangulation between Malcolm Rifkind and Fraser Nelson for years – and you might just be the man to reduce it to an intelligible phonetic system. Lovely stuff.

  34. WRH2 says:

    Sharp and insightful as ever. Great post. Take care on Saturday. I’ll think of you at midday.

  35. Brilliant stuff Paul, hope you can endure Saturday, I can’t possibly know your pain but you havea lot of new friends due to your great blog which I really hope you keep yo regardless of the result on the 19th. Those wo seek to govern us should always be held accountable.
    At least in your life you have known true love.

  36. Aileen says:

    Paul, Andy was lucky to have you, and you him. My thoughts will be with you on Saturday.

  37. A Meringue says:

    Second attempt at posting this. I will try a shorter link.

    Well worth a watch rips the pish right out of the Westminster Labour “flashmob” Very funny!


  38. Uplifting voice of reason, as ever. Thoughts will be with you on Saturday

  39. Charles Lind says:

    Brilliant post …. Again…..

    Robin’s Rowan

    Guardian, gate-keeper, path-protector,
    you ward against the threat of evil
    at the entrance to this house.

    Stream-sentinel, rock-bound,
    above a clefted torrent,
    your tough roots purify the water.

    In the glens, your red fruits
    beckon blackbirds, thrushes,
    to their astringent feast.

    The barren seek your boughs
    to bed beneath, assured conception
    and a safe carriage.

    Beltane sheep jump through rowan hoops,
    and cattle rest, murrain-free,
    with tail-tied twigs, in protected byres.

    Your power, enchantress, is in your leafy shield;
    a berried blessing, sanguine, steadfast.
    Stand so for us, for all your green hands shade.

    Colin Will

    With great respect

  40. purplebadger says:

    And like the rest of us, Paul, Andy will be amazed by your commitment and dedication at such a difficult time.

    Much love for the weekend. x.

  41. There will be many of us out on the streets on Saturday and we’ll all just pause for a moment at 12:00 and quietly say “Take Care”.

  42. My sincere condolences for your loss.

  43. Vestas says:

    Have a good day on Saturday. Have a laugh and a smile when you all talk about him. I’m sure he’d like that.

  44. K1 says:

    Thank you Paul, as ever. Take care, will be thinking of you on Saturday too…blessings.

  45. Marjorie says:

    I am so sorry for your loss Paul, will be thinking of you on Saturday. Thank you for everything.

  46. MoJo says:

    bless you Paul, I hope there will be a saltire in the blue sky on Saturday for Andy….all the best

  47. Denis Milne says:

    Your writing moves and inspires me so much I hope I can return just a modicum of that by sending you my best wishes and condolences.

  48. Justin Ross says:

    You always nail it Paul! Great post. Thinking of you, Andy and your loved ones on Saturday. Thanks and all the best

  49. mo Mhorag says:

    I enjoy your musings immensely Paul. Will be with you in spirit on Saturday. Take care x

  50. steve allan says:

    I will be thinking of you and your family on Saturday Paul. Please don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
    love Steve

  51. Capella says:

    You’re a bright light, dispelling the darkness. Will be thinking of you at midday on Saturday. Look forward to your return.
    Deep peace of the running wave to you.
    Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
    Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
    Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
    Deep peace of the infinite peace to you.

  52. Thomas Canmore says:

    Och man.Love to you.

  53. cuddyback says:

    “He’s out by one letter” had me on the floor once i’d got it, and then “bouquet from a stalker” sent a shiver down my spine. Once again you surpass yourself.

    Midday Saturday I’ll be participating in a demonstration in Santiago de Compostela in support of the many nations demanding their sovereignty (Catalunya, Euskadi, Galiza, Corsica, etc, and of course Scotland showing the way). Needless to say you’ll both be in our thoughts. Força, meu!

  54. naesleep says:

    Thank you for the light relief, Paul; it was sorely needed. You are simply amazing.

    Wish we could do as much for you as you have done for us during this campaign. Thinking about you and the dug. Sending big love x

  55. Elizabeth Buist says:

    Have posted a couple of times Paul when you have helped me look at the campaign with fresh eyes and fresh hope for the future of Scotland. Can I thank you again and send my condolences for you and your family. I too will be thinking of you on Saturday hoping you have a smile on your face remembering the good times. Take care,

  56. Andy would be so proud of you. Take care. You are in our thoughts.

  57. west_lothian_questioner says:

    Thanks again Paul… your spirit seems strong as ever.. may it always be so. Love & peace.

  58. Gar says:

    IRAQ GENOCIDE/WAR based on LIES – I’m hoping that an indie Scotland would avoid such scenarios and that is why I voted YES.

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