We’ve been blowed again, because of an opinion poll showing that the gap between Yes and No is within the margin of error, just like the last one that showed the gap between Yes and No was within the margin of error with Yes 1% ahead. Funny thing indypolling error, it only ever errs on the one side. That would be the side of a blow for alicsammin. Rarely have so many been so blown since a Roman emperor last held an orgy.
We got blowed again on the very day that Davie Cameron came to Scotland to do his impression of an abandoned puppy telling us that independence is for life not just for Christmas. Poor Davie with the hangdog eyes told us he was going to be heartbroken and tried to make us feel guilty. Meanwhile Boris Johnson and half the Tory back bench are standing by a canal with a sack, a stack of bricks, and looking impatient. Perhaps they could tempt him over with a bowl of cereal.
It’s not about kicking out the effin Tories, pleaded Davie desperately with a tear in his eye as he thought about his place in the history books. Oh yes it effin is Davie. As he keeps reminding us every time he gets involved, he doesn’t have a vote and so can’t get involved, and I think that means it’s us who get to tell him what this vote is about, and not him tell us. The Tories are going to eff Davie if there’s a Yes. There’s a lovely wee bonus prize.
Ed Miliband was in Glasgow, where he felt it was important that voters in the referendum understood that during WW2 his dad was stationed in Scotland for a few months. Eh, no, I’m not really sure of the relevance either. He mentioned solidarity a lot. And Keir Hardie. The Jarrow March. Fighting the Nazis. And the miners’ strike. Oh. No, not the miners’ strike. Labour opposed that … eh … NHS! Welfare state! Cuddly Toy! And solidarity, lots of that, power to the people as long as they have a politics, philosophy and economics degree from Oxford. Keep that solidarity conveyor belt moving, and try to forget that Labour is a conveyor belt for turning your aspirations into their seats in the Lords. Eat your cereal.
Ed was also keen to tell us that independence is forever. Long time that is. Foreverevereverever. That’s much longer than it will take the Sun to use up all its hydrogen and then expand in a big red firey ball and consume the Earth. It’s much longer than it will take the fabric of the universe to stretch out so far that the very bonds that hold atoms together will dissolve and the universe will die with a whimper in a thin soup of lifeless particles. Forever is even longer than it takes the Labour party to deliver on the abolition of the House of Lords, although not by much. So if you’re waiting on the arrival of a big red firey thing to burn away the disfiguring privilege and self-rewarding patronage of the Westminster system, you’d be better off with the death of the sun than the Labour party. The sun will expand and consume the Earth in about three and a half billion years and is unlikely to be deterred by a Westminster sub-committee and a series of written objections from Baron Warmonger of Safeseatshire. Labour will take some while longer, although to be fair it has already turned into a thin whimpering soup of lifeless particles. Just keep that solidarity subsidy rolling in like a blank cheque.
Nick Clegg was lost in the Borders someplace. He was probably warning that independence is forever too, but no one has listened to Nick since 2010. He’s the one hit wonder who hangs about in the hope that he’ll develop into a minor cult. He’s succeeded richly in this, if you overlook the fact that he’s out by one letter. Nick understands forever. It’s the period of time that will elapse before anyone will ever again believe a word he says.
I’m not entirely clear why the No campaign has suddenly decided to tell us that independence is forever, perhaps they’re trying to appeal to that segment of the electorate which is confused between “national sovereignty and self-determination” and a trial subscription to Woollens Monthly. That’ll be PatronisingBTLady then. Look out for October’s special edition featuring macramé mug cosies, hand knitted currency unions, a sexy tweed thong for Paul, and comfort blankets for distraught MPs.
Most Scottish people have by now grasped the concept that independence is not like a fortnight’s holiday, and for those who have already decided to vote Yes, the foreveriness part of it is one of the major attractions. No more nuclear missiles, forever. No more Etonian Tory Prime Ministers, forever. No more Scottish Labour policies being determined by the need to chase after UKIP voters in Essex, forever. No more governments we didn’t vote for, forever – or at least until the arrival of our alien lizard overlords from Alpha Centauri in the 23rd century. It is true to say that Scotland will not be as prepared for this event as the rest of the UK, which will already have had centuries practising for life under alien lizard overlords, and will scarcely notice the difference. This may be the only positive case for the Union which has any credibility left. After two years of Project Fear, the mass emoting of the Westminster leaders was more than a little creepy, like a bouquet from a stalker.
Project Fear is of course continuing unabated, only more so as Westminster politicians frantically begged for favours from future members of the Lords. There was another blow again after all the banks announced that they are going to leave if we vote Yes because Scotland is the only country on the planet that can’t have any currency at all. And they’ll take all the cash machines, and your credit card, and those wee plastic bags for loose change and all the artificial plants. No one will ever get a mortgage ever again, and you’ll have to stay with your parents and you and your significant other will have to have sex really really quietly. But the annoying recorded message phone calls that tell you you might have a claim for PPI compensation will still disturb you when you’re trying to have very very quiet sex on a Saturday morning when your dad’s a bit hung over and your maw has popped out for the messages – only they’ll call twice as often. But that will only be a problem until your parents’ phone gets cut off because they can’t pay the bill because money won’t exist. And your maw won’t get any messages because there won’t be any money. Then we’ll all starve to death. And Davie’s heart will be broken, because that’s what happens when bankers fear they might have to operate in a country where they could be regulated.
Oh, and the oil companies are all leaving too. Even that wee petrol station on the way to Oban. There’s no oil left and Oban is far too volatile, and no one will want to buy any of the Scottish oil that there isn’t any left of anyway, on account of Scotland not being allowed to have any money at all. So that’s us telt then. It’s all so uncertain and there aren’t any answers to ridiculous questions. Yes, I am so treating you like a grown up. Just eat your cereal and vote No.
The No campaign will be ratcheting up the pressure over the next week, although if the pitch of hysteria gets any higher there won’t be an unshattered windae in the country. Politicians will be calling in favours and making promises to business people and journalists as they attempt to find new ways to scare and intimidate. Don’t be scared by the scaredy fat-cats.
They hope that we’re going to bottle it, and then they can breathe a collective sigh of relief and get back to business as usual – the usual business of ignoring and sidelining us. Keep firm, keep steady, keep your eye on the prize and in a few short days we can neuter the fat-cats and put the politicians on a short leash. They’re already squealing. They’re afraid of what we might do to them. Keep your nerve and let’s keep them squealing.
I won’t be writing anything over the next few days as it’s Andy’s funeral on Saturday. It’s going to be an emotional day. I plan to post a wee eulogy for him on the day, but apart from that for the next few days I’ll post some guest posts. I know Andy would want me to keep posting over the last few days of the campaign, so I will be back with you on Monday. I’m doing this for Andy.