I’ve been at the hospital most of the day. Andy’s having another crisis. They’re getting more frequent. He seems to have stabilised somewhat, but he’s on oxygen now and his swallowing difficulties are much worse. He’s hardly eating at all. His breathing is laboured, shallow, gurgling. It’s 3.30 am and I’ve just got back home as he’s sleeping, the hospital will phone if there is any change in his condition. But we’re reaching the end of the road now.
I am afraid. Afraid that he might suffer. Afraid of my grief. Afraid of being alone. The fear nests inside in the depths of the soul, but it is mine, a part of me. I own it and acknowledge it. And when you do that you realise that you are bigger than your fear. Fear is small but the soul is infinite.
I stopped my claim for Carers Allowance yesterday. I still care but am no longer a carer. I feel like I’ve started to inch over the dark valley between our life together and life alone. The other side is in sight. Getting there is the difficult bit. The short term is painful and full of grief, but in the distance, hazy beyond a veil of tears, there are bright lights ahead that speak of a new future, a new life. There is hope despite everything. As I look down into the chasm it’s hope that keeps me afloat, hope that keeps me going. Cling onto hope, trust in your own inner strength, in your family and friends, and all will be well.
Getting home, news of a new poll brightened my mood somewhat. Comfort must be taken where you can find it, and YouGov’s latest poll is very comforting indeed. 47% Yes, 53% No – a 3% swing is all that is required to put Yes ahead. It’s within margin of error. This poll is highly significant, both for its large swing to Yes, but more importantly because YouGov has always been the polling company which returns the worst result for Yes. YouGov applies the infamous ‘Kellner correction’ which reduces the Yes result to account for the ‘shy No’ factor. We are on our way, we are inching over the chasm and the bright lights are ahead. Only this time there are no tears.
Scotland has looked into its soul and found the fear placed there by nay-sayers and doubters, by careerists and opportunists. We’ve looked at it, examined it. And we’ve come to realise our fear is as small as their horizons are limited. We are bigger than our fears, we are a people of infinite potential. And we will flourish.