Egg fling flan

I think I’ve finally got a handle on the No campaign. A No vote is all that stands between Scotland and a descent into grocery-based anarchy. Jim Murphy went out to give us the message, with the assistance of a loudhailer, a bus and a wee clique of party hingers on. He didn’t go to get the messages in. You’re not supposed to give the messages to Jim Murphy, and certainly not in the form of an egg on his shirt. Listen reverently and eat your cereal instead. Jim has things to shout at you through a megaphone.

I’m certainly not defending ovoid acts of terror. Eggs are evil, you could have someone’s eye out with that ballistic potential chicken. Eggs are razor sharp ophthamological instruments of intimidation. You can’t debate with an egg, although to be fair you’d probably get a more coherent argument from a broken egg than you would from a Labour politician explaining the party’s plans for more devolution.

But it’s full confession time. I’m not greatly moved by Jim’s travails with a flung fowl foetus. Readers, I too am a grocery based terrorist, although I retired a long time ago. Honest, your free range Yes eggs are safe.

Back in 1980 I threw a bag of flour at Michael Heseltine when he came to Glasgow University to make a speech and tell us how fabby Maggie and nuclear missiles were. It was not an organised terror attack. I organised it myself with some self-raising McDougal’s from my maw’s kitchen cupboard. It was disorganised and uncoordinated, a bit like my flinging skills really. He was only 15 feet away, and I missed. I throw like a wee girly. The shame of my crime against grocery-flinging haunts me to this very day. I wondered – if only I had hit Michael Hesiltine with that bag of flour perhaps he’d have had an epiphany and thought “You know, Thatcherism is really bad and I’m going to devote my life and wealth to campaigning for peace and alleviating poverty.” But then I grew up. So. Naaa. Throwing groceries at them just gives them an excuse to harrumph and attempt to claim some moral high ground.

Same goes with Jim Murphy. Standing on a soapbox didn’t work for him, so he stood on an egg instead. Flinging an egg at him is not an attempt to silence him. He’s hardly shut up about it since. It was an attempt to fling an egg at him, in the long and hoary tradition of immature people flinging foodstuffs at politicians that get on their tits, and the politicians dining out on it.

The UK media has naturally reacted with outrage to the foul heartless assault on Jim’s laundry and cooked up an egg fling flan. Yes Scotland has hatched a plot to organise a campaign of egg flinging, Alicsammin must condemn it immediately and call off the eggstremists. Did those caring sharing people in Better Together not warn us that the referendum would create discord and division – and now look what’s happened. Jim Murphy’s got to wash his shirt. Or rather, give it to Patronising BT Lady to wash it for him. Where will it all end? Will no one think of the children? Now eat your cereal. Naw, ye cannae have a fried egg. Your cybernat da took them to fling at Jim Murphy. Men eh, what are they like?

It was only a fecking egg. Grow up for God’s sake. Sometimes I find myself possessed of an irrational urge to herd Westminster politicians and their media hangers on into a room and force them to watch Humpty Dumpty cartoons until they learn to conduct themselves with more maturity than a week old chick and stop with the collective clucking like battery hens. An egg flinging is not symbolic of an intolerant oppressiveness lurking beneath the shiny happy faces of Yes supporters. It’s symbolic of an immature eejit that flung an egg and a No campaign that’s making a meal of it because their substantive arguments, such as they are, have long since been scrambled, scotched, and fried, consumed, crapped out, and flushed.

The hunt for the egg-flinger is boiling. Or rather, Yes campaigners are keen to identify the individual. Jim Murphy doesn’t appear too fussed, because an unidentified egg-flinger could be anyone at all, Alicsammin in a mask, and that means he can continue to claim there’s a coordinated plot to prevent him preaching nawness to a handful of passers-by in Fife. It’s all a big egg-based conspiracy right up until the time that it turns out that the egg-flinger was some random drunk guy who’d just been to Aldi. Patronising BT Lady had sent him out to get some cornflakes, but men eh, can’t get anything right.

Meanwhile there are those in the Yes campaign who are equally keen to prove it’s all a dastardly plot by Jim Murphy himself, mainly on the basis that three quarters of the population would probably agree to the proposition that Jim Murphy seems like the kind of person who’d break a few eggs to make a political omlette.

But the truth is it doesn’t really matter. It’s only an egg. But let us imagine that we are in some dystopian alternate universe – one that’s even more dystopian than the one we inhabit so some alcoholic refreshments may be necessary before you can liberate your imagination sufficiently. It’s a universe where Scotland is having a typical independence campaign. In typical independence campaigns there are disappearances, shootings, bombings, internment camps, civil unrest, and states of emergency. In that universe someone going to work on Jim Murphy with an egg would pass unnoticed. Jim’s wails of oppression would be laughed at, if anyone except Patroning BT Lady paid them any attention at all, and she’s only wondering what powder to use to get the stain out.

Back in the real Scotland, this one we actually live in, not the one on the news, the only reason the media is able to whip up an egging into a souffle of accusations is because Scotland’s independence campaign is peaceful, democratic, good natured, and inclusive. There has been no violence to compare, not even remotely, to the Troubles in Northern Ireland or the violence that has disfigured the Basque Country. This is Scotland, we don’t do terrorism, we don’t do civil unrest, we don’t do riots. We have the occasional nutter who flings an egg.

You only notice a plook on an otherwise unblemished face. Jim Murphy is that plook and the UK media delight in squeezing it.

Vote Yes – it’s a plook cream for Scotland.

46 comments on “Egg fling flan

  1. Bamstick says:


  2. Bamstick says:

    Sorry for that.
    I must confess I’ve been sitting here waiting on your next one. I was feeling a bit worried about you and now I can relax a bit, because you’re on top form.
    I’ve moved into a really nice quite, contemplative place where the referendum is concerned. I’m not so anxious anymore, the blatant press bias doesn’t bother me, I can feel the rising of the people of Scotland and I know we will vote YES.

    • weegingerdug says:

      Thanks for the concern. I’m up and down to be honest, but coping much better than I had feared. I’ll be just fine.

      I’m getting an increasingly good feeling about the referendum too. But I don’t want to jinx it.

  3. liz says:

    Yes – good to hear from you again Paul.

    Unfortunately it looks as though all the hysteria surrounding ‘organised attack dogs throwing eggs’ has possibly lead to a female Yes campaigner being kicked in the stomach by a man from the Scottish version of the BNP today in Glasgow.

    When will these idiots like Murphy realise the harm they are causing or do they care – I think I know the answer to that one myself

    • macart763 says:

      They know precisely what they are about Liz. Its what they’ve been quite deliberately trying to orchestrate from day one, divide and rule through demonisation and intimidation. We cannot rise to it whatever the provocation. People need to remain calm and focussed. The best way to beat this kind of politics is to focus on the prize and win.

    • Is she in hospital? Does she need our help?

  4. The egg skirmish. If Murphy thinks this has the slightest importance in the campaign, then he has lost the plot. There are far greater issues at stake and Murphy’s cavorting just underlines how
    unsuitable he is as a replacement for Johann or for any other position of responsibility. A poster on Wings reported that in the Highlands Nos were turning to Yes, and Yes Berwickshire can’t believe the sudden movement towards Yes. Fingers crossed we’re going to make this.

  5. Rookiescot says:

    Paul, fantastic post as always but please, I thought you were taking a day off? Have a day to yourself. Get pissed. Shout at the telly. Play Albannach loud enough to piss off your next door. Its what I do now and again and I recommend it without hesitation.
    Might want to get some ear muffs for the dug though.
    Take care Paul. Thinking of you and Andy.

  6. Murphy has retreated from the front line after taking this direct eggy hit. Such bravery for the man who voted to send dozens of soldiers to their death in Iraq.

    Despite all the nonsense about it the media I can’t help wishing something a bit harder than an egg was used. I’m not a violent person but I’m prepared to make an exception for Murphy…

    watch for a £200 laundry bill in his next expenses claim.

    Good to see you ‘up and at ’em again, Paul.

  7. A Meringue says:

    Last week we ha a shouty Naw guy prattling on about “Yooz let the tories in” and “The referendum is all about yooz keeping your house prices up” He had an incisive viewpoint that one!

    This week we had a local Labour councilor approach our stand only to come out for Yes! He is backing Labour for Independence. 🙂

    Sadly the bad news about a pregnant Yes campaigner being assaulted by some BNP type Unionist campaigner in Glasgow City Centre kind of spoils the humour in this post. Good news is that the BNP guy (I hear that he is in the Glasgow splinter group “Britannica”) has been arrested. (According to Twitter)

    • macart763 says:

      And of course its not the first time we’ve seen this behaviour throughout the campaign. Murphy gets egged and its an affront to democracy. Yes stalls get assaulted by thugs or closed down and moved on by ‘council’ officials and the silence is deafening. Not a peep in the press, nothing but tumble weed. The reason of course is simple, its because they’re not looking for ‘affronts to democracy’ going in the other direction. Quite appallingly our fourth estate simply looks the other way.

      It hasn’t stopped us from spreading the good word to date and it won’t stop us now. We keep it peaceful and upbeat we’ll take the day. 🙂

  8. macart763 says:

    Nice one Paul.

    Must admit to finding myself a bit open mouthed over this whole fabricated stooshie. I mean, its an egg. When you hear how that eejit Murphy has been pontificating on his brave quest to bring enlightenment to the masses being rudely interrupted, by ballistic farmyard produce, well frankly stifling a belly laugh is the first urge. This is the guy who was shadow defence secretary. I’m sure our service personnel would feel so much more confident knowing that if so much as one egg is on display anywhere out there and Murphy had been their boss, they’ll be deployed to tackle the ‘threat’ and frag the offending chicken. 😀 LOL

  9. The phantom eggflinger of olde Kirkaldy Town.

    There were two eggs involved so, a soufflé was a least possible.

    The first was from his front left when he ducked and then the one caught on camera was placed on his shoulder.

    I have a funny wee feeling in my waters the miscreant could well have been a Naw supporter but also a antisellick one.

    Someone who was there said to me that therewas averbal exchange before between the eggman, coo coo cajoo, and one of Murphy’s minders involving the words holocaust and denier.

    He is well photographed and surely eggtractable for to be skilleted.

  10. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Fantastic post Paul. Like you I think chucking eggs about is pretty childish – unless you are a child of course.
    But to put it in perspective Mr Murphy voted for the Iraq War which killed over a million Iraqi citizens. He also voted against an enquiry into that conflict.
    And he voted to renew a weapons system with the potential to kill 100 million people.
    So why is an egg-stained shirt some kind of national shame?

  11. Jan Cowan says:

    Murphy’s great problem? Fear of Craig Murray’s new web site.

  12. Ha Ha Ha – and humour is the deadliest tool -egg pun dream

  13. Hugh Wallace says:

    Reblogged this on Are We Really Better Together? and commented:
    “This is Scotland, we don’t do terrorism, we don’t do civil unrest, we don’t do riots. We have the occasional nutter who flings an egg.”

  14. katherine hamilton says:

    Be down when you need to be. You’re loved and respected by thousands and thousands of us and we’ll lift you if we can. Was in Glasgow yesterday for the first time in months. Yes stalls everywhere. Lots of happy smiley faces and not a No face to be seen. It’s in ma watter. We will win and I’ll have eggs for (drunken) preemie on the 19th.

  15. Nana says:

    Good to see your wit is razor sharp as ever.

    Patronising BT Lady is going to need a hell of a lot of powder to rid Scotland of the New labour stain.
    Murphy is just one smudge to be wiped away.

    The planned orange order/ukip march is worrisome, the media will be all over it waiting for something to kick off.

    • liz says:

      Agree about the Orange Walk.

      Even if most Yessers keep away, it is a great opportunity for a false flag operation which will try to blow this up into making the indy campaign look like a NI situation.

      We need to be on our guard and hope that the Edinburgh police are well on top of this.

      Personally I think it should have been moved to a less public arena – like let them walk round and round the meadows.

      • jamie macdonald says:

        ..then over the hills and far away….
        seems to me they have had little engagement with many of the public in past years.
        Other than marching- what do they do?
        Now referendum time is coming they beat the same old drum? and we are expected to fall in line and follow?
        I only ever feel intimidated when I see an orange walk, I’ve never understood it and probably never will…

  16. smiling vulture says:

    This egotistic episode,reminds me of stickergate,Ian Murray,Edinburgh South,made the accusation of vandalism,got it out in the press,then he had to pull back on what he originally said.

    Full Circle

  17. We had a couple of attempted intimidations yesterday when out canvassing but it’s easy when you know you are on the winning side. We just laughed and waved.

  18. Morag Frame says:

    why on earth did Jim Murphy choose to tour Scotland, standing on 2 iron bru crates with a megaphone/microphone to prophet doom and gloom to the population, in case we vote YES? Was he endorsed by Barr’s PLC or even the Scottish people? Was he trying to demonstrate an old-fashioned ‘rabble rouse’ to agitate and organise, the fear fallout? oh……..wait……wait, wait,…I’m beginning to get the answer, I’ve made my decision……it was just Jim being Jim Murphy, looking for an great british egg to make a meal out of!

    • …. because he can claim about £100 for the irn bru crates on his next expenses claim and about £60 every time he has to move them. Wee Jim gets virtually everything paid for by us, the taxpayer, that’s whether he’s ‘representing’ his constituents, or encouraging war or out on his tour trying to save his career.

      There are hundreds of compelling arguments to vote YES, but increasingly climbing up that list to the top spot must be the ‘car crash’ tv of watching interviews by Murphy, Ferage, Cameron, Osborne, Blair et all after the YES result is returned.

      In fact, forget democracy and social justice – Vote YES to finish Murphy.

  19. […] I think I've finally got a handle on the No campaign. A No vote is all that stands between Scotland and a descent into grocery-based anarchy. Jim Murphy went out to give us the message, with the as…  […]

  20. Cag-does-thinking says:

    I’m very disappointed that the local council in Yoker haven’t invited Jim to visit for an Irn Bru. I used to think former UK ministers got protection for life (I mean I’d hate to think of IDS having to go and sign on or attend an ATOS interview without at least egg-disabling guards). I mean if there’s an Afghan warlord living in Freuchie he may harbour a grudge against a secretary of state for defence for being stuck in Fife. And a warlord knows there’s no chance of Barron Knights member George Robertson being seen in public There could have been carnage in Kirkcaldy. I mean carnage that doesn’t look like environmental improvement. We might have ended up with TWO Methils and that’s a frightening thought. See it’s not just BT that have the monopoly of fear.

    • Bugger (the Panda) says:


      I used to live in Freuchie, my ex-wife still does in my house, my daughter has just bought a house there and about to to raise the village population by 1 and my best mate owns the Lomond Hills.

      I am the only terrorist likely to hide out in Freuchie and not be spotted. But if it is terrorist cells you want, try ‘Muchty, the Proclaimers and Jimmy Shand are ‘Muchtyiters.

      Freuchie be god, away wae ye an eat mice.

  21. john says:

    Jim Murphy went down to Westminster and every body thought he was dead .He was one of many that stood by when labours ideals in Scotland were being decimated in order to accommodate .His pal Tony Blair and new labour. He should ask himself why labour has lost its support in Scotland .

  22. Laurence says:


  23. setondene says:

    Murphy, he’s a great ould yoke (as they say in Dublin).

  24. George Pottinger says:

    Did the Wee Ginger Dug notice the post on another thread which asked “If flour, as well as eggs, had been thrown, would it have been Batter Together?”

  25. hektorsmum says:

    Had my first visit from BT this afternoon, unfortunately he got a bit of a downer from me, Some how I think he had quite a few given that he wasn’t flinging the printed stuff into my hand. Being a bit on the deaf side and having the dug barking on my good side I had to look for the evidence of who he was. So it was with great joy I was able to say that when asked if I needed information or had I made up my mind to say that I knew how I was voting and it wasn’t better together. He then asked if that was the view of the whole household. I nearly said even the dug was voting YES.

    • Marconatrix says:

      Which reminds me … back in the day, when we had the very first devo referendum, the one where all the dead folks were deemed to have voted ‘No’, well it happened that at least one wee dug somehow got put on the voting roll instead of the owner. So yer man goes down to the polling station wi the wee fellow in tow, and tries tae vote. But their no having it, that’s no your name on the card, it’s the dugs name and dugs cannae vote, see. So he says, can I vote for him by proxy, and their no having that either, and I think mebby the dug wiz under age onyway … True story btw.,

  26. Mammy says:

    The No’s eggaturating again what is the world coming to

  27. Batter together !!! Eggcellent !!!!

  28. Fat Bob says:

    well as they say, if ye flee wi’ the craws ye’ll be shot ‘at.

  29. Use an ostrich egg next time.

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