Snap, crackle, pop

And lo it was prophesied. On Tuesday St Dougie the Diminutive manifested his wee Holy Wulliness in the pages of the Guardian to preach the gospel of damage limitation. We still don’t know what currency we’re going to use, he bleateth. It’s the pound Dougie son, were you not listening to your pal Alistair last night?

But the Pharisees of Labour weren’t listening either, and told St Dougie in a vision that repeating Plan B ad nauseam was the only plan they’d got. So get out there and preach to the people that absolutely anything an independent Scotland might choose will be even shitier than having Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, share the revelation just in case anyone might think differently. Those weren’t boos from the audience when Plan B was called for, oh no, they were appreciative moans of love. Up is down and black is white and the Labour red isn’t Tory blue.

The debate came as a bit of a shock to them after the last time, when even people outside Sky Press reviews said Alistair had won and Be’Yesbezub had been sent back to the dark pit of perdition, which is just outside Paisley. Depite this, Yessatan obstinately refused to be exorcised, and before you knew it people in Arbroath were chanting verses from the wee blue book of the prophet Stu and Yes Shettleston was sacrificing chickens for a barbecue. Well OK, they were frozen drumsticks from Aldi – but that’s still evil and satanic. Anyway, in a flash of miraculous inspiration, like Johann Lamont constructing a grammatical sentence, it all became clear to the Divine Dougie. Debates don’t make any difference at all. So that’s alright then.

Go unto the Guardian and preach the word, the Archangels Ed and Ed told him. It’s all based on emotion, not at all like Project Fear. Tell them that you’re pure affrontit that some people on Twitter called you a Quisling and a Judas, and how that proves the evil divisiveness of the separatists. You’re even more oleaginous than Jim Murphy, so you’re perfect for the gig. Show them that you’re really a wee creeping Jesus and spread the numbing balm of the true word of Gord like vaseline on the bleeding haemorrhoids of the Labour party. It’s the only redistribution that Labour practises, and it can be claimed on expenses.

So Dougie tells the tiny readership of the Guardian that Scotland is in need of family therapy counselling and it’s all the fault of the nasty nationalists. After a No vote he is willing to offer his services as an emollient between the tender cheeks of a well skelpt Scottish arse and the hard and shiny lavvy paper of Westminster.

The social division is so bad that the Patronising BT Lady from the advert last night is already receiving trauma counselling from people who aren’t related to former Labour Lord Provosts of Glasgow. She doesn’t do politics because she’s a girly. No voting women only think about little things in the kitchen, little things like pencils and Paul’s leadless pencil. The No campaign wants it to stay that way. Patronising BT Lady can’t stay long though, she has to touch up the lippy and get back home to make Paul’s tea. He’s just so clueless you know, men what are they like girls – before he infects the kids with the virus of nationalism and gets rice crispies caught in his beard. Explaining independence at the same time as having his breakfast – everyone knows men can’t multi-task and weans are too stupid to think for themselves. Now everyone stop thinking. Eat your cereal.

Don’t think that the Tories believe that they can teach the poor to stand on their own two feet by cutting their legs off. And don’t think that when Labour gets into power it acts exactly the same, because the only way it can get into power is by persuading Tory leaning voters to vote for it. These are your only choices, don’t think there can be others.

Don’t think that with its limited powers, the Scottish Parliament is the clinic which is left with the victims, but all they’ve got are some bandages and plasters. Dougie wants us to complain that the doctor’s still got a packet of plasters that she’s not used, and not to do anything about the bastards with the axe. Stop thinking. St Dougie and the Patronising BT Lady want us to eat our cereal.

There are other choices. We could choose cornflakes, or Weetabix. We could choose to have a Labour party that can only get elected if it attracts the votes of SNP supporters, or Socialists or Greens, or even the last Lib Dem. A different Labour party from the one that Dougie offers. One that when it promised to help create opportunities for the poor to get out of poverty actually did that when in power. Or suffer the consequences of a Scottish electorate. Snap, crackle, pop.

We can choose an end to the tribal politics that Dougie offers. Westminster rules make that gemme a bogey. We can have a new game, a more consensual game, a fairer game. Dougie doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want reconciliation, he wants obedience to the old rules that constrict our choices. Some people say they want peace when what they mean is that they want victory.

It’s crunchy. There’s fruity bits. More jam than you’ll ever get from a Labour government. Eating cereal and thinking. Thinking it’s about power. It always is. We get spoken down to and told what we can’t do because we have no power. Holyrood is the regional branch of a subcontracted Westminster sovereignty. It gets told what to do. Dougie and Patronising BT Lady think that will still be the case if Scotland votes Yes. That’s why Dougie has no vision of the future, only fear and calls for Plan B. Dougie’s Scotland is at the mercy of Westminster’s elements and always will be.

But that will change with a Yes vote. With a Yes vote there are suddenly two sovereign bodies in the UK. The Westminster Parliament and the people of Scotland. We will have taken back the power of decision making. The power of control. The power of self-determination. Westminster tells us that means we’d become foreign. Oh right – so like an equal sovereign state that Westminster has to treat with mutual respect? Now there’s a big strawberry in the muesli.

If Scotland votes Yes, the balance of power radically shifts towards the people of Scotland. There will be independence negotiations, and Westminster is woefully unprepared for them. Who’ll be patronising who then.

Patronising BT Lady nods in agreement as she makes the tea. We’re eating our cereal and thinking.

The mental chains go snap, crackle, pop.

38 comments on “Snap, crackle, pop

  1. Rory says:

    Totally o/t but i saw this and thought of you,

    How to build holywood minature cities.

  2. Before we all get too excited about the debate it’s worth remembering how unimportant it is,
    it’s not even worth giving up a wee bit of your holiday for………

  3. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Who would of thought that breakfast cereal could offer such a visceral analogy. Brilliant piece of writing Paul (bet you’re glad you’re not THAT Paul) – complete filleting of what BT? NT has to offer (which is, of course, tantamount to nothing)

  4. macart763 says:

    Parliamentary Labour epitomised by the likes of Douglas Alexander, Davidson, Curran, Murphy et al. There isn’t a socialist amongst them. Power for powers sake, career before party and party before people. Their aim? Ermine and lecture tours. The method? Shitting on their constituencies from a great height and treating people as numbers, as electoral currency in a rigged power share ponzi scheme.

    These people betrayed their party’s founding ideology and their constituents. They and others just like them hijacked the party of the people by stealth and transformed it into a soulless husk, devoid of humanity or empathy. Power corrupts and by fuck it really did corrupt absolutely in their case.

    The Labour I knew as a boy had giants. It had people who stood shoulder to shoulder with workers at the head of work ins. It had leaders that marched arm in arm with mothers and children at anti nuclear rallies. They stood on picket lines and fought for jobs, some even meant it when they fought their own colleagues to try and bring about a Scottish parliament. Even though I may have disagreed with their constitutional aims, I could at least respect them for their efforts.

    This lot? They are not fit to stand in the same room as the poorest amongst us. Douglas Alexander and the rest of them can take their ‘plan B’ mantra and stick it where their pet squirrel hides its nuts. We have better things to do with OUR sovereignty, OUR country and OUR future. The greatest asset of a country isn’t fucking currency and it never was.

    PEOPLE are the greatest, most precious asset of any nation. People of great heart and humanity. People willing to work side by side to a society that is fair, peaceful and prosperous. By that standard we have wealth beyond measure.

    • Bamstick says:

      The Labour party I knew as a girl had giants. My parents and all my pals parents voted for them, They had vision then and looked after people. By the time I was old enough to vote they had seriously diminished and now they all look the same. Labour, LibDems, Tories: who can tell them apart? Until recently I thought AD was a Tory, he sure acts and talks like one.

      • macart763 says:

        As I noted in a post of my own a few weeks back, its my own roots, how I grew up. They betrayed us all, the people who gave them power. That power, those responsibilities WE gave them were with the sole purpose of improving our lives and the lives of our communities. They didn’t just fail in their charge, that implies effort. No, they betrayed it in exchange for what? Near as I can tell a pretty good salary, some excellent restaurant perks in Westminster and the ‘privilege’ of writing crap articles for the Guardian.

      • Dr JM Mackintosh says:

        Lib Dems too – Danny Alexander and Alistair Carmichael are more Tory than the Tories. Seeing them gleefully supporting the Tories from the front benches turns my stomach. Time to rid WM of them in 2015 after a Yes.

    • Fairliered says:

      I remember that Labour Party. How did allow itself to be corrupted by the likes of Alexander and Murphy?
      There is still a party with those principles. It’s called the SSP.

      • macart763 says:

        They are then the Labour party, not that pack of sharks in suits inhabiting Westminster. Those people haven’t earned the right to represent anyone, they bought their posts with lies and patronage.

        • Flipper Murphy-Curran says:

          Yes, I remember the Labour Party in the good old days – Ramsay MacDonald, Harold Wilson, Jim Callaghan, Neil Kinnock – heroes one and all.

          • macart763 says:

            Heh, not quite the names I had in mind. Reid, Brotherston, Foot, Benn even laterly Smith and Dewar. I may not have seen eye to eye with a couple of those, but I could at least, respect them.

  5. I have come to the bread and butter thought that the naysayers don’t believe in what they are parroting anymore and that what we are listening to is the linguistic equivalent of watching some poor people slevering and dribbling at the mouth. They can’t help it. Caught in the headlights of a juggernaut they are desperately peeing themselves to save their own skin and their mortgage payments. Poor souls. They are politicians. Now how many metaphors was that? and I didn’t even mention the frothing at the mouth madman and pigs of Gerasene.

  6. WRH2 says:

    Paul is absolutely spot on. Darling and insulting BT lady epitomise the whole of the Naesayers campaign, if you can call it that. Its sugary breakfast cereal instead of substantial porridge. You don’t know exactly what is in the stuff because its been changed to a degree that it’s not recognisable as anything natural. When you look at porridge oats you can see what they have come from and then you cook it to your own taste. Add whatever you like to the finished article and enjoy because you know what it’s made of and more to the point, you achieved the “difficult” task of making it yourself. Bit like having our own government in an independent Scotland really!

  7. Nana says:

    “the tender cheeks of a well skelpt Scottish arse”

  8. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Sat down and read Jim Sillars’ In Place Of Fear II – what Scottish Labour could and should have been instead of the Farrow and Ball whiewash it is now.

  9. Steve Asaneilean says:

    Whitewash! (my stupid stubby fat fingers)

  10. Jan Cowan says:

    Once an MP gets that polished look – acquired through spending a great deal of money on their outward appearance – empathy seems to vanish.

    Margaret Curran, incredibly, managed a speedy transformation. Douglas Alexander was perhaps half-way there from the start.

  11. Andy Nimmo says:

    My fear now is that the mainstream media will switch their widespread lying to the people of Scotland to the widespread lying to the people of the RUK and hammer home the message that the Scottish People have been totally brainwashed by the evil dictator and need ‘help’ to save us from ourselves.
    Quite scary actually.
    Fox Media used that tactic in Venezuela when they ran a convincing story that Chavez had been defeated in an election. By creative editing, they even transformed a victory celebration into a riot of looting etc.
    Totally false story. Chavez remained president until his death in March 2013

  12. Iain says:

    I thought Douglas the Good and Patronising BT Lady were the same person. How did I get that wrong?

    • Flipper Murphy-Curran says:

      They are. You didn’t. Doulas the Good is the 21st century’s answer to Teddy Taylor, and Patronising BT Lady is the new Molly Weir. Teddy Taylor and Molly Weird were the same person too.

  13. Bill Dale says:

    A friend of mine challenged Jim Murphy at one of his “events” recently and afterwards in talking to Murphy, realised that the likes of Murphy regard this as a game, they do not really believe what they are presenting.

    Another contact, a lady from Labour for Independence had a similar experience with one Margaret Curran, who actually stated that “it is only a game”.

    Well, if they believe that, then the game’s a bogey, certainly from their point of view anyway.

  14. Steve Bowers 74% win says:

    Excellent stuff yet again Paul. This referendum has been an amazing journey for me, keep going guys, not long to go.

  15. J Galt says:

    When is the first Labour MSP goannie break ranks and come out for YES?

    Even if they don’t I’m sure a few of them in the privacy of the voting booth will do the right thing!

  16. liz says:

    I believe the Scots Labour lot like Murphy, Curren and Danny Alexander, Lib Dem chose to join these parties as they knew it was the only way they would get voted in where they lived.

    They don’t believe in any of the ideologies of their respective parties, they care about one thing and one thing only, their own personal advancement.

    Unfortunately too many folk in the West of Scotland still believe they are old Labour.

    • Iain says:

      Spot on. It’s the only reason Darling joined Labour, apart from a bit of Rich Boy teen rebellion to shock the neighbours. What a scamp!

  17. Andy. Most people I come into contact with down here already believe that. When you encounter it, it feels like your trapped in a country that is at war with yours. It’s kinda uncomfortable.

  18. Hortense says:

    Just brilliant. That’s what the Yes campaign should play to over the next couple of weeks – the outrage of being told we can’t take away their power.

  19. The patronising BT lady is dire, a product of people who want to live in the past, or at least in a BBC costume drama version of it. Mind you, it also has undertones of Downton, or Upstairs Downstairs. The cook quaffing a quick cuppa before she rolls up her sleeves and makes the pastry for the pigeon pie for lunch.

    BT obviously believes women are stupid, so stupid they believe uncritically what they hear on TV, so stupid they’re unable to find information for themselves, so stupid they can’t actually think for themselves. Pigeon pie or steak pie? We’ll have the pigeon today. Apple mousse or ice cream? The ice cream for a change. Vote Yes or No? Let’s just go for No. Now, about those grouse in the larder…

  20. […] And lo it was prophesied. On Tuesday St Dougie the Diminutive manifested his wee Holy Wulliness in the pages of the Guardian to preach the gospel of damage limitation. We still don't know what curr…  […]

  21. macart763 says:

    Share and get this out there.

  22. Formartine Bill says:

    Wonderful, wonderful post. One which has encouraged me in fact to make a political comment online for the first time.
    Just back from a visit to Torry Lidl and a spell in Archie Simpsons, where I may have convinced a waverer of the justness of our cause. Anyway, what got me going was me describing my regular babysitting of a 2 year old warrior, whose whole being centres around self – my daddy, my babybel, my train, my (puckered lip) digger! And it dawned on his grandad (65) that maybe these attitudes had been transferred down the ages. Because I (degrees and all) am equally possessive – It has taken me a long time to realise that this is MY country, MY country. It may have been sidelined as I was being educated but it is still MY country
    For years I believed that GB was my country until my loyalty started to wane over 20 years ago. I made the break only 4 years ago after much soul searching and there will be no going back
    We will win. These are exciting times. I look forward to doing my bit to create a new country
    Well done, Paul. You are a genius.

  23. smiling vulture says:

    jim murphy restarting his 100 street tour


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