A guest post by Andy Nimmo
You know, I always thought of myself as a nice, even tempered, over thinking kind of guy. If someone was to punch me in the face, I’d probably spend two days trying to analyze why they’d done it before finally getting angry.
Not any more though. Oh no. No sirree. No more Mr Perkin Nice Guy. You see folks I now have to admit it. I’m a …(gulp)… cybernat.
Before I explain as to when and why I came to that conclusion. Does anyone else out there remember the good old Perkin? That amazing ginger and oatmeal biscuit your granny used to bake. Yeah it’s true what they say. Nostalgia ain’t wot it used to be. Whatever happened to them? Try as I might, I can’t seem to find them anywhere.
Guess they’ve gone the same way as these other quaint, old fashioned things. Fondly remembered but no longer used in these ‘more enlightened’ times under Westminster rule.
Things like threepenny, tanner, florin, common sense, decency and morality.
All is not lost however. I’ve found a new use for the word Perkin. Yep you can use it just like me as a means of emphasis. A way of swearing but not swearing, if you catch my drift.
And it feels good too.
So no more Mr Perkin Nice Guy. I’m Perkin Mr Angry and yes I’m a Perkin Cybernat and Perkin proud of it too.
Just as they say you’ll always remember where you were and the exact time you heard about the assassination of JFK, then I’ll always remember the exact time and place I went from mild mannered to Perkin raging.
I for one, was a bit fed up of finding myself all fired up with hope and enthusiasm by the works of Wings, Bella, Tommy Sheridan, Robin McAlpine, Alan Bissett and especially the Wee Ginger Dug to name but nine. Yeah I know I’ve only put up six names but you really need to see Alan Bissets’s alter-egos. Phenomental so they are. Yeah I know phenomental’s no a word but it Perkin well should be. Then to have that air of hope and optimism driven out by some of the lacklustre performances by our elected politicians is just, well it’s just not Perkin fair.
C’mon guys, I know you think you’re doing the correct thing by being diplomatic and all that but sometimes you need to know the difference between doing the correct thing and doing the Perkin right thing.
Like a volcano reaching ‘erupting point’, everything built up.
“What’s your Plan B?”
Imagine please, in the days when Sir Alex Ferguson was in charge of Manchester United and a football match against Liverpool was looming. What would have been his response if the manager of Liverpool had asked him what his tactics for the match were? Or if one of the representatives of the fair and unbiased media had come away with. “C’mon Alex tell the people of Manchester what your tactics are going to be. They have a right to know. What”s your Plan B if Liverpool score first? C’mon Alex tell us. The people of Manchester have a right to know. C’mon Alex tell the good people of Manchester, or do you not have a Plan B
Any suggestions as to what his response would be? Don’t think he’d have used the word Perkin somehow although it would have been quite similar.
Who gives a flying Perk what currency we use. We’ve got more important things to concern us. There was the woman who had to miss her regular interrogation by Job Centre staff about her struggles to find a job because her child had been badly bitten by a neighbour’s dog and she had to take her to hospital. She found time to phone the office with this news. But when she reported there a few days later, her interrogator denied having received this message and told her that her benefits had been cut off. Appealing this decision, she eventually got them reinstated, but only after waiting many months for a hearing.
But if you insist on talking about finance.
So all the banks are going to shut up shop and Perk Off south of the border faster than Osborne fleeing from Bernard Ponsonby are they?
Wait up what’s this in the Financial Times of all places? US banks already readying themselves to quit UK for Ireland ahead of the planned ‘EU In/Out Referendum”….
Yes Ireland. You remember Ireland don’t you. That’s the Perkin basket case of a country that poor wee stupid Scotland could end up like if we’re stupid enough to think that we can run oor ain wee place better than the Eton Mess.
What’s your Perkin Plan B for that then?
They used to say you could divide this Perkin country into the ‘Haves’ and ‘Have Nots’. Not any more it’s not. It’s now ‘Those that Rip Off’ and ‘Those that get Ripped Off’ and in some cases, as in Bank Call Centres, you get the Rip-Offers forcing the Rip-Offees to Rip Off other Rip-Offees or end up as one of the Really Really Rip-Offees , on the dole queue suffering the sanctions as outlined above.
Building faster. Reaching critical point
Independence Will Mean the loss of British National Treasures like ‘Dr Who’ and ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and most important of all THE NATIONAL LOTTERY.
C’mon get serious will you. Dr Who and Strictly Come Dancing are of more concern than Trident, Food Banks, Benefit Sanctions etc etc.
Hey hang on there. You might have hit on something. Is subliminal advertising not an urban myth after all? Are there brainwashing waves crashing across the airwaves in time to ‘Twinkle-Toes’ Brucie’s dance moves. Maybe we could carry out a really important survey for once and determine the percentage of Better Together supporters versus Yes supporters that actually watch these programmes and their kindred spirits such as the Jeremy Kyle show or the Great British Bake Off. Put your left leg in for Yes and your right leg out for No. You could even start up a brand new reality show and call it the Great British Rip Off.
Talking about reality shows. I hear there’s yet another one in the pipeline. They’re gonny be getting Z list celebrities to carry out their own plastic surgery and call it ‘Scars in Your Eyes’…Awright Sorry.
Thinking about that old favourite – Stars in Your Eyes. Isn’t it amazing how once an idea takes hold, no matter how Perkin far fetched your conscious mind tells you it is. it just won’t go away. With me it’s the notion that somehow there’s some sort of brain altering contraption deep in the portals of 10 Downing Street, just like the contraption used in ‘Stars in Your Eyes’.
You know what I mean:-
Yesterday Matthew I was Margaret, simple grocer’s daughter from Grantham. Today Matthew I’m Thatcher, scourge of the working class…or
Yesterday Matthew I was Gordon, intelligent but slightly dull politician. Today Matthew I’m Brown, simpering fool on You Tube and betrayer of the Scottish People…or
Yesterday Matthew I was Tone, simpering fool. Today Matthew I’m Blair, obscenely wealthy war criminal…or
Yesterday Matthew I was David, just an ordinary, everyday Eton schoolboy. Today Matthew I’m Call Me Dave, sycophant to the right wing media..or
Yeterday Matthew I was Boris….Aaaaaaaaaargh!
And that just leaves good old Lotto. The treasure chest that keeps on giving, if you believe the propaganda. Keeps on giving to Westminster coffers if you don’t
What about the fiasco the other week. Three numbers correct and you win a bumper £25. Four numbers, harder to predict, paid £15. No that canny be right or fair, I hear you say. Yeah that was my reaction when I heard. My wee elderly mammy was so so chuffed when she phoned to tell me she’d scooped four numbers. You can imagine how she felt when she went to pick up her ‘winnings’ and how Perkin pissed off I was when she told me.
Building. Past critical point and further into the red than my bank account.
So I waited for the justifiable outrage from the media, expecting the front page headlines – ‘Lottery giant fraudulently fleeces loyal customers’ or ‘No Lotto money for winners’ from the Sun. And I waited, and I waited and…then it dawned on me. Not the done thing to investigate a giant conglomerate for fraud. Oh no. Not when you’ve previously praised it to the rafters as a National Treasure that your own Scottish people would sorely miss if they had the temerity to want to decide things for themselves right
Then… screech…. that folks was the sound of my mental brakes being applied. You see I’d just sailed past a link to an old article from the Daily Wail, as you do if you’re a reasonably sane well balanced type, when something caught my eye. ‘ Lottery Giant Accused of Tax Evasion’ cried the headline’. And then I checked further on Google and more Perkin accusations appeared before my eyes. ‘Lottery giant blames human error on £150.000 jackpot shortfall’ and more and more.
The thing is, if Camelot had done the decent thing and used even a fraction of the loyal customers’ money,that they avoided paying tax on, to do the morally and ethically correct thing and raise the prize for four numbers to even £30 it would have saved them money in a relatively short time, as now they will face a horde of angry people resolved never to play the Perkin thing again.
That was it I’m afraid. Arrogance I can just about stomach. Incompetence Ditto. Put them together and you light the blue touchpaper. It’s like the story of the scorpion and the frog. “Why did you insist on ripping these poor but loyal customers off Camelot, even though you must know it’s going to cost you money in lost future revenue.” Because that’s just what we do”.
Kaboom. The volcano exploded and Mr Angry appeared as if out of nowhere.
And that about sums it up. I’m now like the Incredible Hulk. The next Better Together supporter who stares straight ahead, hacket face set in stone after I kindly pull over to let her go swanning by in the opposite direction is going to be the subject of Perkin Road Rage. The next time some shrieking interviewer persists on going on about Perkin Plan B is going to result in a brick threw the TV screen (save the cost of a levy to an organisation I detest with all of my being, I suppose).
One final point as I realise I’ve waffled on for too long. I am loath to say this but I strongly feel that if Ian Gray had done the right thing and talked to that protester instead of doing what his advisers advised was the correct thing and running a mile then chances are we might not have the Government we have. Nothing pisses off the Scottish people like signs of weakness.
So on Monday Alex, while I appreciate the desire to do the correct thing and be statesmanlike with the eyes of the world on you, please think about doing the right thing and tell the people how it really is. And do it with Perkin Strength and Perkin Passion.
For more commentary and articles by Andy, visit his blog site at Justin Fayre’s Weekly Rant http://justinfayresweeklyrant.wordpress.com/