Monkey poo and panda poems

Jim Murphy has got first dibs on the monkey with the red rosette, which gives him and his Labour colleagues sole monkey poo throwing rights in the referendum. For the duration, they’re turning a blind eye to monkey poo throwing from the other Unionist parties, like the Orange Order. But Jim is very upset that this referendum has unleashed troops of unelected who have discovered how to throw poo without him giving the orders. That’s worse than proper professional monkey poo throwing, it’s unauthorised monkey poo throwing – and to make things worse it’s by amateurs who’ve got a good aim. He’s even more upset that it seems to be panda poo and much of it is directed at him.

According to la Murph’s latest retaliatory, or possibly pre-emptive but we’ve given up counting, poo throw, evil panda poo throwing nationalists are bullying the poor defenceless shrinking violet that is the BBC.

Jim is a rare and delicate flower who gives a drag act suffering a paranoid acid flashback a run for its money in the hysterical overreaction stakes – only without the double entendres, the humour, the glam, or indeed the drug fuelled reveries. Flowers like Jim can only flourish in a carefully cultivated ecosystem which discourages third party competition. Thankfully he is well fertilised with his feet firmly planted in a big pile of rancid monkey poo. Professional monkey poo throwers are so organised, makes you proud to be British doesn’t it? Great British poo is the best poo in the world, they said so on the BBC, and they’re unbiased.

Because he’s bagsied poo throwing rights, Jim struggles with the demo part of democracy. The little people should not be allowed to organise themselves and protest in Jim’s world. Proper protests can only be those which are organised and led by people who spent a decade in student politics and getting censured for “intolerant and dictatorial” methods, before going straight to being a Labour MP and becoming a member of Tony Blair’s government. They’re the only people who’ve earned the right to throw monkey poo. People like Jim, in fact. The rest of us do our poo throwing all wrong, and there’s a very easy test of what’s right and wrong in political poo throwing. It’s whether or not any of it lands on Jim or his pals.

In a state where the two main parties are indistinguishable in their important policies, poo throwing is all that remains. For decades, UK politics have consisted of little else. It’s dreary, depressing and decreasingly relevant to the real lives of real people. The poo throwing is stage managed, and isn’t even entertaining any more. But Jim trained specially as a poo thrower, it’s what he does. Only now him and his pals in the Unionist Wing of a decreasingly united Labour party find that it doesn’t work against a mass movement consisting of a diversity as diverse as Scotland itself. They’re no longer throwing poo at a party, they’re throwing poo at a people.

Jim has been joined in his poo throwing efforts by that doughty campaigner for social inclusion and equality, except if you’re on benefits, Kathy Wiles, the Labour prospective parliamentary candidate for Angus. Kathy charmingly launched a very big jobbie of her own, which sailed all the way across Godwin’s Law and out of contention – which is also a fair description of the trajectory of Kathy’s career in politics. In a not over the top way at all, she didn’t liken a pic of some weans at the BBC demo to the Hitler Youth, it was just a juxtaposition. Because comparing folk to Nazis is something only Yes voters do. Oh look, a flying poo.

The big problem Jim and Kathy face however is that the non-professional political amateurs aren’t really interested in political monkey poo throwing. It’s not that the amateurs of Yes never indulge in a spot of poo throwing of their own, it’s just that being amateurs they do it in their spare time, and so expect their poo throwing to provide at least a modicum of entertainment value. For Jim it’s a soulless and joyless career. And there he is, out-pooed and out-politicked by a bunch of amateurs.

However Yes supporters are not involved in this debate in order to play Jim’s favourite professionalised sport, dominated as it is by over-indulged and spoiled egos who confuse their earnings with their worth and talent. Yes supporters are far more interested in politics as an organic and natural fertiliser which can produce a crop of enthusiastic, engaged and interested voters debating the future possibilities this land presents. Throwing poo at that sort of movement only makes it grow more. It makes more people take notice, and wonder things like how can a peaceful protest featuring weans reading poems and panda power possibly count as bullying a big national broadcaster that puts single mothers in jail for not paying the licence fee?

After all, it must have been a quiet and problem free protest, there wasn’t any rioting on the BBC news. Because the BBC is unbiased isn’t it – a sentence which can by now only be uttered in a Scottish accent if the intonation marks it for sarcasm. And there’s this politician saying the BBC is being bullied because people who aren’t licenced poo throwers have the audacity to point out that the greatest national broadcaster in the wurruld, or the wuld if you’re a BBC presenter, is in fact a bit shite.

And then they think, och that’s Jim Murphy throwing red rosette monkey poo again. Poor quality low grade stuff that. Panda poo makes your garden grow better. It’s the bamboo diet. It might even grow a garden where poo throwing is once again an art form and not a political career. That’s a choice Jim isn’t inclined to give us, because for Jim the whole point of poo throwing is to smooth a nice career path that ends with a cosy seat in the House of Lords Hospice for Intolerant Dictatorial Poo Throwers. And in the process of that chain of thought another undecided has switched to Yes, another No has become undecided. That’s the problem when you combine monkey poo with political spin, it’s very likely to come back at you and hit you in the face.

Meanwhile more and more Labour supporters and members make the journey to Yes. The fearmongering and the demonisation is no longer aimed at dissuading the unconverted from engaging with Yes. It’s now aimed at No supporters, it’s the corraling of the wagons in the hope that their remaining support won’t evaporate like the 20% plus lead in the polls did.

But even they are beginning to ask themselves, if the great British state can be bullied and threatened and brought to its knees by a panda with a poem, it’s not going to be much use when faced with a real bully – like an international corporation that’s not keen on paying taxes, or a bank that’s too big to fail. So what then, exactly, is the point of keeping it? And then they decide to investigate panda poems instead of monkey poo.

An audio version of this post is available at this link, courtesy of 1 of the 99%


Guest posts:

This used to be a quiet wee corner of the interwebbies where I could waffle away in relative peace and obscurity, but of late it’s been getting a lot of traffic. June was another record month with over 150,000 page views and over 36,000 unique visitors – a large increase on the previous month.  Hello to all the new readers.

With the increased traffic, I’d like to use this blog as a platform for other voices – to give a small snapshot of the great diversity of a Scotland that says Yes. Plus it gives me a wee bit of time to watch sci-fi and play with trams and commune with my inner geek. So if you would like to share your story, please get in touch.


43 comments on “Monkey poo and panda poems

  1. daibhidhdeux says:

    The problem for the Unionists is that their arguments for the Union amount to simply poo (and they know it).

    However and as far as Ms Wiles’ Hitler Youth analogy on Twitter is concerned, this goes beyond bog standard poo into the realm of deeply offensive shite which she has smeared herself all over with in her crude and clumsy attempt to smear others, and she now permanently reeks with the stench of it to the point her putative political career has gone down the crapper {at least in Scotland if not in the political sewer of the soon to be rUK which seems to be awash with UKIP excreta).

    • rosa alba says:

      I am astounded at Ms Wiles lack of self-preservation wiles. I am astounded that she has been so off-message (SLP) so vocally and has not been drawn in and “reprogrammed” at the very least. Worse it suggests that she was off-message before she was fully in the fold. And no one checked to see the wily wolf they were taking in.

      It makes clear that not only is Socialism dead – rotting – in terms of Labour (cue calls of “Bring out your dead” so we can bury them, and celebrate new life in the Common Weal ideology) but the SLP (well the LP generally) is in such disarray as they cannot keep their eyes on their various balls (Balls), who continue to balls-up.
      If the Labour Party (SLP or Not) cannot identify and weed out voicers of such extremism before they are selected, the sayings piss up/brewery, (tea in a chocolate tea pot for the t-totallers) come to mind. But now they cannot contain their advocates and representatives within a debate.
      It is not about policies so much, anymore, as competence to run themselves, far less a party. Darling has been a wee pet about self-denotating, of course, and to lose one (own)goal, Mr Worthing… In fact Darling’s delightful foot-shooting could be counted as one self-contained package. But it is not just him…it is Dailly, it is Mrs Darling (at least the one in Peter Pan got her weans back), it is Balls repeating myths we have dusted with already and put in the rubbish. And now a wile-less coyote not just shooting herself in the foot with the shotgun (and boy, was it a blunderbuss) but bringing the whole party into question, in terms of “wid ye want these eejits running a boolin club far less a Great Empire like Great Britain”.

      The Policies… well the policies speak for themselves: and not in a good way.

      But as you said, as Riddoch said: the floodgates are open. People are engaging. This momentum, and momentum of gregarious gatherings to voice a message (and not acrimonious protests fielded by rubber bullets and mounted Police) has to flourish. There was a bloodless revolution in Portugal in April 1974 – symbolised by flowers in the barrels of guns – as Labour continues with self-detonating and waddling visibly on its own bandaged fee flowers of “Sense and Worth” as Burns predicted, are beginning to bud.

      There will be a revolution in Scotland – Scotland will blossom (w apologies to Lesley for pinching her metaphorical flowers).

  2. […] Monkey poo and panda poems […]

  3. Thomas Barrowman says:

    Brilliant stuff!😉

  4. diabloandco says:

    Congratulations on the increased traffic – you most certainly deserve to be read far and wide!

    Might we have a wee update photo on the model trams – only if you have the time mind!

    • weegingerdug says:

      I’ve not done anything at all with the tramway since I last posted pics – just not had any time. I need to get to the art shop to buy some more greyboard so I can finish making the pavements.

      I did get a new tram though, found it on eBay. It’s a model of the only single decker tram that used to run in Glasgow. Before WW2 it used to run between the city centre and the West End, after WW2 it ran between Clydebank and Duntocher. They called it the Wee Baldy tram, because it had nothing on top.

      At the same time I also got a Glasgow Goddess tram, they used to run in Liverpool but in the early 50s Glasgow Corporation bought some from Liverpool Council after the Liverpool trams stopped running. The one I got isn’t working, and is now with the model train shop in Glasgow for repair.

      In November last year I commissioned a model maker in England to make me a Glasgow Coronation tram and a Glasgow Cunarder. They’re costing a fortune but I’d been saving up my loose change for a year and had enough to pay for them. Last I heard they should be ready towards the end of this month.

      I’ve not forgotten my mad plan to get models of the Glasgow Subway trains – but that’s a slow burner and will involve a lot of work which I can’t see myself having time for until after the referendum is over.

  5. MoJo says:

    fantastic – and is that the sound of s*** hitting fan in the No camp I hear…..?

  6. Liz Walker says:

    Accusing the Yes campaign of using children is a bit rich considering that the Bitter Together leaflet which I am ripping up and sending back in many, many envelopes Freepost has those children running down the hill on thecover.

  7. macart763 says:

    Aye, how very we conduct our politics withoot proper party sanctioned procedures in place.😀

    Fur a Labour lad, slim Jim tends to forget that protest gave some of the early Labour movement its greatest victories. Now lads in panda suits, weans and outbreaks of sporadic folk singing on the steps of PQ have this pointless politician running greetin’ to the press. I mean, its a bit pathetic isn’t it? And the thought that the ministry of truth cannae protect itself. Really Jim? Car crash performance from Mr Trident.

    Kathy Wiles though is a different matter altogether. I’m afraid I’m not familiar with this lady at all, but given her performance over that image and basically the usual blatant nazi slurs being cast, I’m not sure I’d like to see such a poisonous individual representing anyone. Anyone who holds their own electorate in such contempt doesn’t deserve office. If they can’t serve and care for all, they shouldn’t be allowed to serve or care for any.

    • rosa alba says:

      The irony – there was an outbreak of Vandalism in Angus last night (Arbroath??? Nae sure) with Swastikas an a’ on the SNP Office. Too timeous – and spot on in location – not to be the influence of these coyote posts. Then there is the Clarkson-Carer viciousness – which really underlines her view of the dispossessed (see my public post on FB).

      In fairness there was also graffitti in Aberdeen from the Yes Camp. A builder’s sign was sprayed w a Yes slogan. And the house next door, whose owner (the original article in the P&J said) would leave the graffitti up till after the Ref (she said no one had an idea of her allegiance).

      We do not need to spray-can, please. The way forward is the party-panda protests and not sinking to theCyde Sludge Boat levels (on oh so many fronts and in so many forms) of the Naw Camp.

      • macart763 says:

        “We do not need to spray-can, please.”


        Far prefer laughter, pandas and sporadic outbreaks of music.😀

        That and the simple application of common sense to anything W1 and BT have to say. We don’t need anger or acrimony, just cool heads.

  8. […] Monkey poo and panda poems. […]

  9. arthur thomson says:

    Brilliant and thank you. I would just like to make the point that I think we should always differentiate between ‘earnings’ and unearned income. Earnings are what workers get paid for hard graft. Unearned income is what people like Murphy manage to get their nasty hands on. The world is awash with people like him, misappropriating the lions share of our collective wealth and claiming that it is ‘earnings’.

    • weegingerdug says:

      In retrospect, “income” would have been a better word for me to use in that phrase than “earnings”. But that’s what comes with blogging – it’s not a style of writing that allows for much reflection and editing and re-editing before publication.

  10. Illy says:

    The Grassroots Yes Campaign is becoming that thing that all career politicians fear: An informed and active electorate.

    Now, I’m trying to remember a line, something about people, their governments and fear…

  11. Paul, what you’ve done here is to construct a loom bracelet out of poop metaphors. Brilliant!

  12. mary vasey says:

    Flipping BRILLIANT Paul. Just how I feel though could never put it into words as you do. To be honest I am slightly envious of those great folk who went on Sundays demo I would love to have been with them, tho my daughter did go in my place. It’s way past time us ‘ ordinary peeps’ throw shite at our supposedly political representatives and show them we are heartedly sickened of their ‘representation’. This is one auld wifie who would love to throw shite at these hypocritical doomladen naysayers. I want a better Scotland for my friends and family

  13. anne says:

    Thank you for that Paul. No wonder they expect us to help pay for new London sewers. WM has become a giant cesspit! I was at the demo on Sunday. As far as I could see the polis pulled out all the stops to keep us rowdies in order; I saw 4 police and two of them were armed with bicycles. They kept chatting & smiling. Do you think they may have been trying to infiltrate?

  14. davidmccann24 says:

    50,000 people marched in London recently as a protest at the austerity cuts. I suspect that the majority were actually Labour supporters.
    Was not so sunny Jim pleased that this went unreported by the BBC?
    Great blog Paul, as always

    Great vid of the march on Craig Murray’s blog BTW.

  15. Helena Brown says:

    Great post and one which I dearly hope someone points Jim Murphy at. Time our “ahem” representatives heard what we ALL think of them. None in the three main, oh sorry four parties, as heard on Radio $ the other morning, we have David Cameron and the other three leaders so I thought they must be including Farage. Well none of them have a piece of toilet paper between them so the poop analogy is jut perfect.
    I think that given your increased traffic, the traffic on other blogs I am sure have increased also, surely means we are winning.

  16. David Agnew says:

    Tis a simple thing in the end. Compare and contrast all the good that was done to all the things that have been badly done. Pay attention to what is said by the parties and what they plan. Then ask yourself this one question.

    Is there anything on balance, makes the Union worthwhile keeping. If you can by all means don’t keep it secret shout it from the rooftops and make your case. If you can’t then you should not be considering a no vote.

    The union in the last 50 years has become a hollowed out shell. There is only the symbolism, the substance has long gone. The no campaign are arguing for the continuation for the decline of the UK and demanding that it is right and proper for Scotland to tag along for the ride. Because of our shared “history” and common values. The French call this argument a canard. The Americans call it a self licking snow cone. In Scotland its the most successful union in the world.

    Its lasted this long, because no one was allowed to question it. Now it is being questioned and quelle surprise, they haven’t actually got any reasons for it to continue. So we have spent the last 3 years to a large cross section of Scotland talk utter bollocks to the other half. If they were even cognisant of how much damage they’re doing, they would have stopped by now.

    But you realise, that weegingerdug is right on the money. The message isn’t for us. It was for themselves and the undecided and easily scared. the polls are narrowing, and possibly have been breached. They are shitting themselves. The moderates are promising powers. The nabobs of negativity that make up, BT, United with labour, No borders, and No thanks – have decided to vomit up as much bile and hatred in a last ditch attempt to make all debate impossible and scare their own side shitless.

    The truth is, that regardless of the result. The union loses

  17. While I try to read all of the indy supporting websites, your’s, and Derek Bateman’s , are the ones I enjoy the most. I’ve said this before Paul, but once again, absulutely brilliant.

  18. wendy smillie says:

    “over-indulged and spoiled egos who confuse their earnings with their worth and talent”- hit the nail right on the head with this one. Gotta love your way with words.

  19. The Unionists, Labour in particular, have long forgotten the meaning of democracy, desperate to keep the electorate uniformed and therefore unquestioning. Now they are facing their worst nightmare, with the grassroots not only clued-up and questioning them, but making fun of them and their utterances. Definitely not cricket, chaps.

    As for Ms Wiles, whom I had never heard of until yesterday evening, I think she has let the enthusiasm of the chase blind her, although in her ‘defence’ she was only taking the same line of rhetoric that Alastair Darling and other Labourites have been pursuing of late. So it looks as if an order has gone out from the Labour high command to use the nazi slur whenever possible.

    For someone who is a woman, a lawyer, and an educator, she has put herself into a very questionable situation. I hope her law firm are content for her to deal with cases where children are involved, for I’m sure many parents would not be happy with such a situation.

  20. BigBill says:

    Paul….been following WGD for a wee while – you bring a ray of sunshine into many ‘crap’ media stories/situations.

    Love this one about Murphay et al…laughed out loud.

    Brought to mind General Melchett talking to Blackadder.

    “You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from being in the Army, it’s never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! ‘Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed… by pooh-pooh!”

    SLAB destroyed by poo-poo? now there is a thought!

    • Eilean says:

      Wonderful news. And well done to all in the indi campaign for showing a united front against this obnoxious woman. She has enjoyed one of the shortest careers in Scottish politics for some considerable time.

      Things like this will piss off One Nation Labour in Scotland (There is no such entity as “Scottish Labour” it is a myth. Check with the electoral commision if you are in any doubt) I can imagine the frustration and fury at the humiliation that this has caused within the ranks of the monkey shit throwers alliance. Long may it last.

      • macart763 says:

        Worse yet for them Eilean, its set a very public precedent.

        They went too far and got slapped. That should serve as a warning to their heid bummers.

        No more.

  21. smiling vulture says:

    If You Gov are as accurate as 2011 poll,they are in the poo

  22. Capella says:

    She has resigned and Jim Murphy should resign but won’t (yet). I didn’t catch the name of the brave woman who sang the “Freedom Come All Ye” unaccompanied at the Pacific Quay demo which Ms Wiles was smearing, But here’s a link to a version which is a great antidote ito all the poo being flung around.

    • Capella says:

      Apologies – didn’t mean to embed. The site seems to do it automatically when pasting a link.

      • weegingerdug says:

        WordPress does that with Youtube links unless you remove the http bit. I only bother about it if lots of people leave video embeds on one thread, which makes the thread slow to load. A handful of embeds doesn’t seem to make a huge difference though.

        Anyway, I aim for an atmosphere of cosy nattering – both in my posts and in the comments. So I’m usually cool with most things.

  23. Nana says:

    Superb as always…

  24. […] Jim Murphy has got first dibs on the monkey with the red rosette, which gives him and his Labour colleagues sole monkey poo throwing rights in the referendum. For the duration, they're turning a bl…  […]

  25. J. R. Tomlin says:

    “Jim is a rare and delicate flower who gives a drag act suffering a paranoid acid flashback a run for its money in the hysterical overreaction stakes…”

    You almost choked me to death, I laughed so hard. Maybe I’ve seen one too many such drag acts. LOL

  26. Paul, that was a whole load of poo….

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