Jim Murphy has got first dibs on the monkey with the red rosette, which gives him and his Labour colleagues sole monkey poo throwing rights in the referendum. For the duration, they’re turning a blind eye to monkey poo throwing from the other Unionist parties, like the Orange Order. But Jim is very upset that this referendum has unleashed troops of unelected who have discovered how to throw poo without him giving the orders. That’s worse than proper professional monkey poo throwing, it’s unauthorised monkey poo throwing – and to make things worse it’s by amateurs who’ve got a good aim. He’s even more upset that it seems to be panda poo and much of it is directed at him.
According to la Murph’s latest retaliatory, or possibly pre-emptive but we’ve given up counting, poo throw, evil panda poo throwing nationalists are bullying the poor defenceless shrinking violet that is the BBC.
Jim is a rare and delicate flower who gives a drag act suffering a paranoid acid flashback a run for its money in the hysterical overreaction stakes – only without the double entendres, the humour, the glam, or indeed the drug fuelled reveries. Flowers like Jim can only flourish in a carefully cultivated ecosystem which discourages third party competition. Thankfully he is well fertilised with his feet firmly planted in a big pile of rancid monkey poo. Professional monkey poo throwers are so organised, makes you proud to be British doesn’t it? Great British poo is the best poo in the world, they said so on the BBC, and they’re unbiased.
Because he’s bagsied poo throwing rights, Jim struggles with the demo part of democracy. The little people should not be allowed to organise themselves and protest in Jim’s world. Proper protests can only be those which are organised and led by people who spent a decade in student politics and getting censured for “intolerant and dictatorial” methods, before going straight to being a Labour MP and becoming a member of Tony Blair’s government. They’re the only people who’ve earned the right to throw monkey poo. People like Jim, in fact. The rest of us do our poo throwing all wrong, and there’s a very easy test of what’s right and wrong in political poo throwing. It’s whether or not any of it lands on Jim or his pals.
In a state where the two main parties are indistinguishable in their important policies, poo throwing is all that remains. For decades, UK politics have consisted of little else. It’s dreary, depressing and decreasingly relevant to the real lives of real people. The poo throwing is stage managed, and isn’t even entertaining any more. But Jim trained specially as a poo thrower, it’s what he does. Only now him and his pals in the Unionist Wing of a decreasingly united Labour party find that it doesn’t work against a mass movement consisting of a diversity as diverse as Scotland itself. They’re no longer throwing poo at a party, they’re throwing poo at a people.
Jim has been joined in his poo throwing efforts by that doughty campaigner for social inclusion and equality, except if you’re on benefits, Kathy Wiles, the Labour prospective parliamentary candidate for Angus. Kathy charmingly launched a very big jobbie of her own, which sailed all the way across Godwin’s Law and out of contention – which is also a fair description of the trajectory of Kathy’s career in politics. In a not over the top way at all, she didn’t liken a pic of some weans at the BBC demo to the Hitler Youth, it was just a juxtaposition. Because comparing folk to Nazis is something only Yes voters do. Oh look, a flying poo.
The big problem Jim and Kathy face however is that the non-professional political amateurs aren’t really interested in political monkey poo throwing. It’s not that the amateurs of Yes never indulge in a spot of poo throwing of their own, it’s just that being amateurs they do it in their spare time, and so expect their poo throwing to provide at least a modicum of entertainment value. For Jim it’s a soulless and joyless career. And there he is, out-pooed and out-politicked by a bunch of amateurs.
However Yes supporters are not involved in this debate in order to play Jim’s favourite professionalised sport, dominated as it is by over-indulged and spoiled egos who confuse their earnings with their worth and talent. Yes supporters are far more interested in politics as an organic and natural fertiliser which can produce a crop of enthusiastic, engaged and interested voters debating the future possibilities this land presents. Throwing poo at that sort of movement only makes it grow more. It makes more people take notice, and wonder things like how can a peaceful protest featuring weans reading poems and panda power possibly count as bullying a big national broadcaster that puts single mothers in jail for not paying the licence fee?
After all, it must have been a quiet and problem free protest, there wasn’t any rioting on the BBC news. Because the BBC is unbiased isn’t it – a sentence which can by now only be uttered in a Scottish accent if the intonation marks it for sarcasm. And there’s this politician saying the BBC is being bullied because people who aren’t licenced poo throwers have the audacity to point out that the greatest national broadcaster in the wurruld, or the wuld if you’re a BBC presenter, is in fact a bit shite.
And then they think, och that’s Jim Murphy throwing red rosette monkey poo again. Poor quality low grade stuff that. Panda poo makes your garden grow better. It’s the bamboo diet. It might even grow a garden where poo throwing is once again an art form and not a political career. That’s a choice Jim isn’t inclined to give us, because for Jim the whole point of poo throwing is to smooth a nice career path that ends with a cosy seat in the House of Lords Hospice for Intolerant Dictatorial Poo Throwers. And in the process of that chain of thought another undecided has switched to Yes, another No has become undecided. That’s the problem when you combine monkey poo with political spin, it’s very likely to come back at you and hit you in the face.
Meanwhile more and more Labour supporters and members make the journey to Yes. The fearmongering and the demonisation is no longer aimed at dissuading the unconverted from engaging with Yes. It’s now aimed at No supporters, it’s the corraling of the wagons in the hope that their remaining support won’t evaporate like the 20% plus lead in the polls did.
But even they are beginning to ask themselves, if the great British state can be bullied and threatened and brought to its knees by a panda with a poem, it’s not going to be much use when faced with a real bully – like an international corporation that’s not keen on paying taxes, or a bank that’s too big to fail. So what then, exactly, is the point of keeping it? And then they decide to investigate panda poems instead of monkey poo.
An audio version of this post is available at this link, courtesy of 1 of the 99%
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With the increased traffic, I’d like to use this blog as a platform for other voices – to give a small snapshot of the great diversity of a Scotland that says Yes. Plus it gives me a wee bit of time to watch sci-fi and play with trams and commune with my inner geek. So if you would like to share your story, please get in touch.